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2 years married & headed for divorce

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Rustylife posted 5/22/2019 14:24 PM

Good to hear from you ((brokenbride8)). Are you planning on living on your own soon? I think dating can wait till you settle at your own place. Or maybe you find someone you connect with when you're not looking. The world is full of possibilities.

Social Media isn't all truth. My ex was gushing on me for my birthday on her Instagram and Facebook. Long "heartfelt" messages. While actively cheating on me and planning to dump me. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Edie posted 5/22/2019 15:52 PM

Iíd grey rock the snake.

Sounds like youíve done brilliantly, supporting and being happy for your friends in their special moments whilst also being so sad. Their events were bound to be incredibly triggery, but you still went and you coped- well done and a big hug for your sadness. Maybe recent events have set you back a little, hopefully the run of such things has let up for now.

Choose a couple of close friends as confidantes for your healing journey. The rest - fake it til you make it.

pureheartkit posted 5/22/2019 16:58 PM

Good for you. I wouldn't go to a strange man's place either. Snake can slither off already. He's trying too hard to draw you in.

AbandonedGuy posted 5/22/2019 20:46 PM

BB8, youre the only reason I pop into JFO anymore. We both got to experience that specific "12 years then abandoned" thing. Don't trust social media. Don't think all those other couples are happy. Don't think your kid options are gone.

I've found that most couples, no matter how happy on social media, no matter how many nice public things they say and do, are still unhappy. Sometimes deeply. Plus coveting is bad. You lose sight of improving who you yourself are when you're so hung up on others' lives. Your situation is probably very enviable to others.

You're still here, still doing well. Keep moving. Keep striving. Keep ignoring snake dude. Stop considering the status of your soon to be ex piece of shit to be worthy of your consideration. Get a tan, read a book, whatever floats your boat. Distractions bb8!

paboy posted 5/22/2019 22:36 PM

Just keep moving forward in faith. You'll look back on these times with a knowledge that your a special person of strength, character and quality.

And there will be a lot of people who will acknowledge it.

Your doing great.

[This message edited by paboy at 10:38 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

pureheartkit posted 5/24/2019 10:58 AM

My sister's high school friend said she had to date so many people before she found a new husband. Her first husband was a soldier and turned to drinking. She tried to help him but he was on a destructive path. Also, she wanted kids as you do and didn't want to raise them in a home with a cheating, drinking father.

She said she often felt like there were no good ones left (bolded because it was so strong in her mind) and all her friends were living the life she wanted. Of course it wasn't true. Now she found her love and they are happy. Good people are out there who want a happy family life.

Make some grand summer plans. Let your hair blow in the breeze and go to concerts. Bask by the sea. These times of complete freedom in life are rare so enjoy it.

FEEL posted 5/24/2019 11:46 AM

Nothing is perfect, but our relationship was close to it because of the friendship we had formed and the experiences we cultivated over the years
Friends don't do this thing to friends.

As for advice. Walk away and do the 180. Don't try and convince him of anything. If this has any chance he needs to see what HE IS doing and the best way for him to see that is by you making you a priority.

brokenbride8 posted 5/27/2019 21:51 PM

@The1stWife ĖItís so incredibly hard and itís true. Iím so grateful that the people on here understand my painÖwhile my family and friends love me, they are over it for sure. I surely donít feel like Iím winning right now.

@Hurtmyheart Ė Sometimes I wish God would just come down and look me square in the face and tell me whatís what and what to do. If only I wish this would all become a distant memory like now. Right now. I know thatís impossible. Some days Iím truly scared Iíll never get over this and Iíll be damaged goods. Thereís still a tiny part of me that wants to know more from the Snake, but I know itís not in my best interest. Thank you for the wishes! I need every bit.

@Lp0725 Ė I think the first part could be true, but the only thing that makes me feel like my STBXH has no clue the Snake is in contact is because of the ďtypesĒ of messages he sends. I donít think my selfish, prideful STBXH would like my to know shit isnít going his way. I also have to believe that even though he threw our marriage away, he would feel pretty salty knowing is ďbest friendĒ and ďbrotherĒ so desperately misses our ďfriendshipĒ ((vomit)). I believe his attorneys have his paperwork, but our case is such small potatoes, they havenít prioritized it enough to turn them over to my attorney (at least thatís what we are thinking). Itís even past the amount of days the judge granted us to exchange financials. Itís so annoying being at a standstill. My attorney has been practically stalking them and although he hates to do this, will provide mine first so thereís documentation at least that we are following process. I donít see why my STBXH isnít putting pressure on his attorney to get this done and over with. The only thing I can think of is he isnít so much in a hurry to spend more money as it sounds like they are still on the same retainerÖI really like your analogy Ė empty suit. This is exactly what he turned out to be and I too believe thereís something wrong with him. Iíve admittedly been a little snippy at my family and then felt bad about it. I just donít know how to get a grip some days. Itís becoming increasingly hard to hold on to hope. Not sure why anymore.

@nothisfriend Ė Working on it. I think so many have seen glimpses of the old me come back and even a new, positive me that they forget that the trauma is still very much alive. Iím so glad to hear that you are in a better relationship than your M post-divorce!! I PRAY for this to be true to me. I think I idolized my relationship with my STBXH so much it seems impossible (because I wasnít unhappy).

@MamaDragon Ė Iím not so sure he is keeping tabs. Since (see note to @Lp0725). I so want to tell him that I looked DAMN FINE too!!! But I know all it will do is get him to think all he has to do is keep messaging me and Iíll eventually respond. He wonít even care what the response is Iím sure. I do want to know whatís falling apart as well, but try not to think about it because if I end up seeing a pic of him and her or some evidence that they are still together, it would send me in a downward spiralÖI just know it.

@Rustylife Ė I was originally planning to move ASAP. Although Iím extremely grateful to have both my parents here for moral support, I feel a sense of failure/embarrassment in living back with my parents. I decided that even though it hurts my pride, itís probably better for me to continue my healing journey a bit more here, save as much as I can and wait until the divorce is over to get my maiden name back so my new place will be in that. Iím not truly dating just yet. Iíve given my number out a handful of times and just went to happy hour once (with the guy that turned out to be a dud). I know social media isnít all truth, but I think what bothers me is when I used to gush like that about my STBXWH, I meant ever word of it. I feel like it would be jaded of me not to believe that at least half or some of that is real without crazy issues going on in the background. I feel like some are simply just living the dream Iíve been denied.

@Edie Ė Thank you! Itís been one of the hardest things Iíve ever had to doÖbe happy and support everyone else experience the dreams Iíve been denied. I think Iím officially faking it till I make it for sure.

@pureheartkit Ė Thank you! I may be emotionally unstable and at times, craving affection and attention but THAT I simply wonít do!! I must admit there is a part of me that feels like there no good ones left eitherÖIím so glad your sisterís friend found a true love. Gives me a tiny grain of hope. Working on making a summer bucketlist!

@AbandonGuy Ė good to hear from you! Trying real hard not to on the social media front, but I swear itís like whack-a-mole. A pregnancy update here. A gushing anniversary post there. A family trip here. Iím ashamed that I havenít been strong enough to just absorb it and just been ďmutingĒ and ďsnoozingĒ certain people for 30 days I know I canít run from it, but some days it feel like Iím pouring alcohol in an open woundÖthat I thought was more healed. I need to up my distraction game. I think Iím losing momentumÖ

@paboy Ė Thanks so much! I truly hope there comes a day where this will be equivalent to the relationship I had with my first love/HS sweetheart Ė not even on the radar. Not sure thatís realistic though.

@FEEL Ė Youíre right. Itís been months of NC so thereís a part of me thatís trying to accept that he actually loves the grave he dug.

Itís been a rough couple of days. I went to a party Saturday and had a blast! Had too much to drink and vaguely remember telling this attractive guy who came over to talk to me I was getting divorced. BLAH! We exchanged numbers but needless to say I havenít heard from him. I know I shouldn't have mentioned it, but with liquor involved and how heavy it's weighing on me, it just came out when the guy mentioned how he couldn't believe I was single. Iím not really datingÖor trying to date. I donít know what Iím doing. If Iím honest, I almost feel like Iím TOO open and free. While I thought Iíd be man-hating and closed off, itís like Iím experiencing the opposite. As a married woman, I would block men left and rightÖcarried myself with a ďIím married to a wonderful man you canít hold a candle to*insert hair flip* donít even look my wayĒ attitude. Now Iím flirty and feel somewhat of a clinginess waiting in the wings. I miss intimacy and feeling special - but have never really felt comfortable with casual sex. I am trying really hard to focus on self-love and not needing validation from someone else. I feel a slight bit of desperation to hurry and move on and find my true loveÖto continue living my life and not ďloseĒ too much time. I donít know what twist or turn Iím at on this rollercoaster, but needless to say I donít like it.

Itís been a long time since I had one of those days where I could barely get out of bed and stayed curled up most of the day in PJsÖcrying on and offÖsurfing the internet and googling stuff like ďlove after divorceĒ or things to remind myself that I couldnít have prevented this. All the progress Iíve been making and I end up back in this space. Iím so damn mad at myself. Even my dad came and knocked on my door and make a comment about how he hopes Iím not in a funk because of the assholeÖit triggered me. I said no, but Iím sure he knew I was lying. This situation is the only thing that has the ability to suck so much of the life from me I lay in bed all day.

Sometimes I wonder if Iím truly healingÖor just avoidingÖor compartmentalizing until a trigger opens the box. I was on my way to the grocery store yesterday and waiting at the stoplight. I look up in my mirror and see my STBXWH is in the car behind the car directly next to me!!! I donít know if he recognized my car or not, but that fucked me up a little. All I kept thinking was I have to hurry and shop because what if he was on his way to the store as well and we ran into each other. But, there was a tiny part of me that wanted to as wellÖI fantasized about just how I would ignore him if I did.

I'm still with my parents with 25% being because I don't feel emotionally stable and got used to the company, 25% being I want to ensure the divorce is finalized and i can start over with my maiden name and 50% because I now feel like I need to save a better cushion now that I don't have the extra support of a spouse (in case of job loss and needing money). This is also not a great feeling as I do meet new people and the topic of where I live comes up.

According to FB, this time a year ago we were on vacay in Cali...this time 6 years ago we were in the Iím going through a divorce

I feel like a hot mess right now

Sorry to word vomit here, but I know I won't be judged here for "backsliding" a bit

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 9:58 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

Echo86 posted 5/28/2019 18:01 PM

Iíve written here before but itís been a long time since Iíve been back. Every word you write - itís like itís coming out of my brain. 12 year relationship, 2.5 yr marriage (now 3 years, by law). The desperation, the urgency to find love, to not ďwasteĒ time, to have children... I understand you so much. Itís been 6 months and Iím still a wreck - separated but havenít filed yet. Friends canít fathom how I feel. Theyíre popping out babies and Iím here not having a clue on how to move forward. At least youíve given out your number... I havenít done any of that yet. I just get you, girl. I get it so much.

Hurtmyheart posted 6/1/2019 22:54 PM

Hey Brokenbride, I just read your current post. I feel sad for you but I also want you to understand all of this is very new to you. You are in mourning and it takes time before you will feel good again.

I find it so odd that your WH was behind you when you were driving. This is the second time this has happened to you. I almost wonder how many times he's seen you when you didn't see him?

When my WH and I were in the process of breaking up and divorcing, I made a commitment to myself to heal me and to get past all the pain and baggage before I would even consider dating again (if that is what I was going to choose). I didn't want to bring the negativity into my next relationship. I wanted to be sure it was all behind me and in my past. My goal was to give myself at least three years before I would even consider dating again and I was like 50ish! Lol

You are so young right now, 31? You have so much time ahead of you in life. I don't mean any disrespect to you but I almost feel like this marriage was almost like a high school breakup on your WH part. The way he just dumped you was so rude and emotionally immature! I know no breakup is easy but I do believe that there comes a point in life where a mature man would have had some decency and treat you who was supposed to be his best friend in life with some dignity and respect! And he didn't. IMO, he treated you like some high school girlfriend who decided he was going to break up with you and oh yeah, forget tell you. His behavior has been so rediculous.

One thing I do hope for you to see is that your pitiful WH traded down for another pitiful classless woman. And I know you also are embarrassed by the person he chose to be his new mate in life. But if you think about his choice in this women, why would you be surprised? No woman who steals another man's women is a prize. Keep remembering this and try not to put your WH on a pedestal. He does not belong there!

My suggestion is to allow all of this to go away, the divorce and the pain and allow this to become a distant memory. Take care of yourself and in time you will heal and the sun will shine bright again, the skies will be blue again, the birds will be singing again and life will look good to you again. I promise you this. And this is when you can open yourself up to dating and finding a real man who can love you properly. I guarantee that once you get to this point that if your WH should ever crawl back to you again, that you will see him for who he is, a pathetic, pitiful poor excuse of a man.

On a side note, my 31 year old niece who is getting married next Saturday for the first time ever texted me and said, how did I ever get so lucky to have found such a nice man? I told her because she wouldn't settle for anything less because she deserves the best which is a kind, faithful and true man. And she said, yes, yes, yes! So cute.

This is how I see you. I don't know you personally but I feel that I am getting to know your soul and your soul is beautiful! And I feel this is what you deserve also!

Hold out like my niece did and don't be in such a hurry to find anyone new. Gain your inner strength back and allow that kind, faithful and true man to come into your life at the right time. He is out there but you have some business to take care of first.

I hope this helps you. You will get through this. Promise.

Keep posting and give us updates.

I also want to say one more thing, R is not an easy process. I don't think that you will ever be able to get past the betrayal your WH has done against your soul. I would almost say it's unforgivable for what he did to you, your family and his family. What he's done is a disgrace. Try to keep these thoughts in your mind.

Hurtmyheart posted 6/1/2019 23:10 PM

Oh, I wanted to tell you that my niece works as a flight attendant for the airlines. They are hiring! Lol There is a big world out there waiting for you. Now you need to go and find it! I'm sure a change in scenery could end up helping you immensely. You don't need to stay stuck in your small town that is a constant reminder of your past life. And a bonus is that you still can live at your parents house while being a flight attendant. And you could end up traveling all over the world. Imagine that! That is what my niece did. She traveled a lot, made new friends to sight see with at each destination and had lots of fun during it. She also lived in Chicago for awhile and in Washington.

I just thought I would tell you because I know how much you love to travel. If you are interested in which airlines it is, just let me know. Lots of opportunities out there in this big world, you know?

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 11:16 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

brokenbride8 posted 7/10/2019 21:30 PM

Hi SI fam,

Itís been a while since I posted on here. I was feeling a little down today and decided Iíd swing back around to my safety net and share some updates...

I am doing much better more consistently. Iím not ďhealedĒ by any means, but never saw myself even remotely feeling the contentment and even happiness somethings that I do now. I thank you all, my family, friends, God, books, my therapist - the list goes on and on - for helping me get to this point

The divorce is still in progress, you heard me right!! Found out that my STBXWH hasnít even paid his full retainer. He turned in his financials but WTF did he think they would do with them with no money?? There were talks of them withdrawing from representing him and I really really hope they donít because that means starting all over... Jesus. If he wanted this so badly, he should have proceeded full steam ahead!! Guess he is too busy paying for his new lifestyle

I wiped him clean from my IG. FB is a work in progress. It was scary for me because it was officially a level of exposure and a red flag to the world that we are not together. A girl I went to HS with (donít talk just social media friends) even asked one our mutual friends if my STBXWH and I were divorced. Itís out there and word is spreading. Even told my mentor @ work (finally I had been dodging her) and my last 2 coworkers that matter. They noticed I stopped talking about him and wasnít wearing my ring so they assumed something. This is a level of acceptance for me. But admittedly, thereís a part of me that wishes I didnít always have the urge to ďtell the storyĒ - ugh. I donít kno why I do that then feel bad about it afterwards like Iíve ďsaid too muchĒ.

Took a family vacation. First one without him Iím 10 years. It was hard. I did have a great time, took some great photos and enjoyed my family, but had to refocus every now and then not to get sad. We ended up going to a beach that both his family and I went together on our last joint vacation. It was bitter sweet...glad to make new memories there though. The first couple of days felt that way then it got better. His mom saw my vacation picture and texted me telling me how gorgeous I looked, hope I had a great time and she loves me. She doesnít reach out often anymore and I no longer feel my stomach drop like I used to when I see her name pop up. In a weird way Iím able to separate my relationship with her from my STBXWH now.

People are noticing a change in me. Iíve been really focusing on self love and taking care of myself in ways I hadnít before. Iím attending events, concerts, happy hours, etc. Iím saying ďyesĒ to a lot more vs. opting to stay at home. Oddly enough so many people are coming out of the woodworks...ppl I cut off in the past are checking me out on social media (male AND female). Itís almost like I have a new glow and ppl are drawn to me!!

Iím still @ my parents. Saving money, helping out where I can and planning to move into my first home (Lord willing) next Spring. In the meantime Iím also taking advantage of traveling and planning my first solo international trip this year :)

The snake has finally disappeared! Itís officially been 1 month since Iíve heard from him. I think he is officially done.

Our wedding anniversary is in a few weeks and Iím starting to feel a sense of panic even though Iíve been doing so well. Iím afraid to receive happy anniversaries from ppl who donít know
and spiral downward...we spent 2 years engaged and saving for the wedding of my dreams. We are not rich and neither are our families but we literally changed our lifestyles for the wedding to pull it off without accumulating any debt. All for it to end this way...heartbreaking. Ppl still comment on how expensive and elaborate it was...Not sure what to do on the anniversary...maybe I should take off work...

@Echo86 - Iím so sorry you are feeling this same pain. I truly hope youíve seen a little light and hope since you last wrote. Thereís got to be more out there for us...hang in there

@Hurtmyheart - If you are still there, I wanted to say you are absolutely right. He totally treated the ending of our marriage like a high school breakup!!! Certainly more like a teenage girlfriend that a loving wife who deserves respect and maturity. I hope your niece had a wonderful wedding!! <3

fareast posted 7/10/2019 21:41 PM

Great update:

Keep doing what youíre doing. Stay active and involved. The firstís of everything will be painful, but it gets better after the first time. You are on the right track. Have a great international trip. Good luck.

Freeme posted 7/11/2019 06:12 AM

thanks for the update. It sounds like you've got this. Things are only going to get better for you.

The divorce is still in progress, you heard me right!! Found out that my STBXWH hasnít even paid his full retainer.
What an Ass! You would think that the ONE thing he could do after what he has put your through is give you a quick easy divorce. While you were together forever the marriage was only 2.5 years and you have already separated most of/all of your stuff. This should be fairly simple. Have you considered sending his Mom an email and asking her to intervene? He could be telling everyone that it's you that wont let go.

Not sure what to do on the anniversary...maybe I should take off work...
Everyone is different, but staying busy works best for me. I'd go to work and then plan to be busy with friends afterwards. Sitting at home alone would make things harder for me.

A great update! Love that you are taking a solo trip, staying at your folks and saving money, and not checking his social media. Youve got this!

steadychevy posted 7/11/2019 06:26 AM

Thanks for the update, broken. You're making good progress it seems. I find staying busy helps on those "memory" days.

ibonnie posted 7/11/2019 07:12 AM

I wiped him clean from my IG. FB is a work in progress. It was scary for me because it was officially a level of exposure and a red flag to the world that we are not together. A girl I went to HS with (donít talk just social media friends) even asked one our mutual friends if my STBXWH and I were divorced. Itís out there and word is spreading.

Iím afraid to receive happy anniversaries from ppl who donít know†
and spiral downward...we spent 2 years engaged and saving for the wedding of my dreams.

Why don't you post a status update saying something like, "Some of you have noticed and reached out. Yes, John and I are in the process of a divorce. Marriages only work when both people want them to (or marriages only work when two people are involved in them, not three). Anyways, now you know what's going on in my life, not just the happy sanitized version most people choose to share on social media. I am sad, but I'm doing fine."

I posted something similar and found a lot of support from friends. I especially appreciated the people I was facebook friends with, but not really close to (like friends or friends, or people I had gone to college with but hadn't seen in a few years) that reached out to me and shared their own stories and advice of divorce, and offers to call them up to hang out if I needed to vent to someone that's been there. Turns out a lot more people I knew than I realized have been through this, but most kind of hide it (or at least don't announce it) on social media.

Rustylife posted 7/11/2019 13:06 PM

Great to see that you're coming out of it. Honestly, the worst part is over. You were so proactive in getting the paperwork done so kudos to you. Otherwise that shit just hangs on your head like a black cloud. Short marriage, so expect the courts to get it finalised fast.

On the separation announcement, maybe change your relationship status to "separated" and keep the visibility of that change to public. It's more lowkey than a status update but the message does get across. Shows up on others' timeline. Otherwise, ibonnie's template is good too. Might brew up some unnecessary drama but yeah, you don't need to hide it.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 1:07 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 7/11/2019 16:03 PM

Brokenbride, I'm so happy to read your update! You are beginning to heal!

I have so much hope for you and your future! I think as this chapter of your life closes, new beginnings are around the corner. I believe good things are coming your way. As one door closes, more doors will open. People are beginning to notice you because you are opening up to new possibilities.

I truly believe God has a plan for you! Hang in there, continue taking care of your needs and soon enough the sun will shine brightly for you again!

Thank you for sharing your journey with us! It will get better! Promise!

AbandonedGuy posted 7/16/2019 21:08 PM

bb8, I just wanted to say that I'm very happy for you. Congrats on reaching this point! You've made so many giant steps toward full blown healing, and finding some kind of stable "peace" with the situation isn't very far off. Once the legal stuff is taken care of, you're going to feel most of the remaining weight on your shoulders disappear. All signs point to "bb8's going to do just fine". It may not feel that way for a long time, but one day you'll look around amd realize how much better your life is without him. Keep kicking ass!

paboy posted 7/16/2019 23:22 PM

Proud for you BB. Keep up faith. Blessings await.

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