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2 years married & headed for divorce

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brokenbride8 posted 8/5/2019 21:10 PM

Hi SI fam,

I’m not gone yet…. Reaching out for a little support and to vent a little…tomorrow is my wedding anniversary…3 years. I’ve been doing so well until today, this anniversary eve. I felt super triggered by literally everything today and had a hard time focusing at work.

I’m trying to remain strong, but I feel this sense of doom as tomorrow approaches. It’s supposed to rain here as well, so I’m sure that will be the cherry on top as I feel depressed all day.

I didn’t want to appear “weak” or hurt, so I decided to remain active on social media vs. deactivating my page. A friend suggested I just turn off comments/posts to avoid any random “happy anniversary” posts from those that may not know still (most have pieced it together by now, but there are some).

A girlfriend came into town last weekend. She comes to town every summer to visit since she used to live here. Last summer, her, her then boyfriend (now fiancé), my XH and I went to brunch. This summer I had to break my awful, terrible news to her alone over happy hour. She couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe what happened after explaining some of the details to her…We were her “favorite couple”.

Another girlfriend (the one who was on a similar track) just had her baby. I’m happy for her, but seeing the pure joy and bliss they feel is so painful. That was supposed to be me.

I’ve been going out and enjoying life a lot more often. My social life is blossoming. I’ve made conversation with different men in social settings, given 1 or 2 my phone number, but I literally can’t help but judge them right away. None of them measure up to my XH even in initial conversations and I absolutely hate it. How is it that someone who literally felt like they were made for me, do something SO terrible TO ME!? And infidelity and awfulness aside, why does he still blow everyone out of the water?! I hate it so much. I’m not actually dating yet, but I feel like no one will ever compare to the good parts of him.

Guess who made an appearance? The SNAKE – sent me a text yesterday…”Hi”. I don’t even understand why he still has my number. I did consider responding to him to ask him to tell my X he needs to quit dragging his ass on the divorce and get on with it already!! My attorney is filing a motion because his attorney is still dodging him. My attorney even made it seem like we wanted to draft up an offer/settlement to get this over with. No dice. I even called the law office MYSELF and she said since I have representation, they can’t talk to me. I basically told them that I’m aware of the phone tag and asked if they could at least reach out to my attorney because he hasn’t heard from them!! Good grief. When will this nightmare be over????

P.S. I booked all of my arrangements for my first, solo international trip next month!! I’m scared AF, but soooooo very excited!! I was hoping the divorce would be over by now and this would be the official start to my new life…but I guess not.

I'm sure this is riddled with typos and I don't have the energy to fix them. I hope it all makes sense. Forgive me

k8la posted 8/5/2019 21:25 PM

What if you reclaimed the day as your declaration of independence day?

What if you openly posted that instead of the usual "happy anniversary" wishes, you'd really appreciate love and light as you step into your new life as a woman content with her life and the adventure that awaits her? That you appreciate every single friend you have who wants to be a part of that adventure with no looking back. No questions asked.

Plan a party at a restaurant you haven't tried with a few friends; steering clear of the bar scene. Do anything new you never tried with him. Like go to a ropes course or a mystery escape room with those friends followed by a picnic party after. If you live closer to mountain communities, you can usually find them popping up. Escape rooms are easier to find. Just pick something that physically makes you concentrate on something other than old memories. And make sure it's embedding new memories so this is your true celebration of life.

fareast posted 8/5/2019 22:22 PM

I really like what k81a had to offer. Reclaim the day for you and celebrate you. Make new memories. Do something you totally enjoy. Have some fun. Good luck.

The1stWife posted 8/6/2019 03:56 AM

I can tell you that each year the day before DDay was worse than the actual DDay. Maybe the same will hold true for your anniversary as well.

Regarding “no man measuring up to the STBXH” - it takes time. It takes patience. It takes a different mindset. Maybe you are not ready right now. It may be too soon.

But one day you will realize your STBXH ain’t all that! And you will stop comparing potential dates to him. Given a chance they may be better - but right now your just not over him in some ways. It takes TIME to heal.

You will survive this. You will move on. Unfortunately it just doesn’t happen as quickly as you’d like. I have a family member widowed rather young. It’s taken 5 years to even consider “hanging out” with someone - and it’s not a date lol.

Give yourself space and time.

And please start blocking the SNAKE. In every way you can.

brokenbride8 posted 11/14/2019 00:25 AM

Hi SI fam!

Found my way back here tonight for some words of encouragement...

Just to recap, aside from going through one of the worst times in my life, 2019 has been incredible! My social life/activities exploded over the summer. I got to attend so many events, parties and take a family vacation. I started partaking in some true self love and really focused on my healing (prayer, pampering myself, setting goals, going to reiki, etc). For those that have followed my story, I even took my first solo international trip!!! It was amazing and incredibly liberating! I felt like a new woman <3 People have even commented on how beautiful I look and how much I’ve been glowing lately. So many ppl have expressed how proud they are of me...

But, I’m ashamed to say I am crawling back here due to a relapse. Early on I was heavily stalking the internet to get any info on my ex and his mistress. Most times I found something...I dont know if it’s the weather or the fact that my DDay is approaching this month...but I relapsed...I went digging and found out that my ex took his “girlfriend” on vacation for her birthday. How? He left a review on TripAdvisor about how wonderful and great the resort was and how great the staff was to him and his “girlfriend”...he actually typed that.

After seeing that, I managed to die all over again. I think it hurt for several reasons...one he knows I loved to travel and literally took her on vacation for her birthday. He never did that for me. Two, it was an adult only resort, that kind of place we went on our honeymoon. It truly disgusts me to think about how all they probably did was have sex. Three, he complained about how my passion for travel was one of the reasons he fell out of love, but took her on a trip. BTW she is officially 12 years older than him now.

I texted my sister. Upset my family. Told my closest friends. Even texted his mother. He told his mother he was going on vacation with friends...I showed her the review to show he is still a liar. He has not mentioned her to anyone. I’m so ashamed that I even went digging and cried my eyes out about it. He still has me all over his social media page which makes me feel like he is using me as a cover so ppl won’t ask questions. He posted a new profile picture and looks awful! My friend’s husband said to her that he looks “rough” and like something is going on (from male perspective). But clearly him and the OW are still “going strong” and traveling together now. One of my friends said I was doing so well and it’s like it’s all going down the drain ....I feel like I just climbed a mountain this year and one little misstep sent me tumbling back down.

It’s not fair. We JUST received all his paperwork but apparently my attorney had to issue some subpoenas...should get those back soon. I feel like he is going to propose to her and marry as soon as the divorce is final. She might even get pregnant. I don’t think I can mentally prepare for that news either...this divorce has gone on almost a full year and now I have to decide if it’s worth fighting at this point (for assets, dissipation, etc.) since so much time is lost now...will I seem like the bitter ex wife who “can’t let go” likely furthering his narrative? Should I just get my name/freedom back and move on?

Why is it so hard to completely accept and move on? I shouldn’t be in shock anymore but I am still...it’s not fair. He has the house, still has his job and a love life. And here I am too damaged to even consider dating...

How do I get through this!?! I thought I knew...I truly felt hopeful and excited for my future...it’s almost like I had convinced myself that karma was starting for him and test results show that is a lie!!!!

P.S. I finally blocked the snake in September. He texted me and I FINALLY responded basically telling him to get his friend to hurry up and quit stalling the divorce. He said his attorney had “just” given him papers to fill out and it’s “overwhelming”. The snake said he is lonely as hell and he thinks he sees the grass is not greener but it’s too late to turn back now. This was a couple of weeks before the trip, so he must not be that damn lonely ugh. Then the snake started rambling about missing “his friend” blah blah blah. He text me saying my ex was coming over to watch football so I was more than welcome to come by and force him to do paperwork while there...once he said that shady, messy shit to me I BLOCKED him like I should have a long time ago.

The1stWife posted 11/14/2019 04:49 AM

Brokenbride. Thank you for the update. I think of you often and always hope you are doing well.

I hope my observations help you through this period. Here goes.

First you know the STBXH has serious issues. Lying and cheating are just the top two. So you understand what you are dealing with is someone who is pretending to be something he is not.

No one is ever going to put on social media that they are miserable and unhappy and made some bad decisions. Quite the opposite. So just because he posts about a fabulous trip he took, doesn’t mean he is happy. He can fill up his life with women and vacations and so many things. Doesn’t prove a darn thing. Deep down he could be miserable.

The old saying - don’t judge a book by its cover. Or things are not always what they appear to be.

And at one point he was begging you to come back to him and making all kinds of promises. Hmmmmm - it’s quite possible he still has feelings for you but is hiding his pain and shame. You just don’t know. His ego may not allow him to be real.

His ego would not let him face his issues and work to stay married. He’s lazy. He’s willing to lose a marriage to satisfy his own selfish behavior. Look at his choices. They show you who he really is. A selfish coward is at the top of the list.

Next observation. He has a girlfriend he keeps hidden from his family. What does that tell you? He’s living a lie. He’s a grown man living a life where he hides his GF. How sad and pathetic.

He’s not dating. He’s filling a void in his life. It appears he cannot he alone. That is an issue. He’s a grown man who must have a woman in his life. He’s so afraid to be single and alone. What does that tell you? Another serious issue.

When someone jumps from a marriage into a relationship like he did - that is a huge red flag to me. So while it appears he is “dating” - doesn’t mean he’s happy. And if he’s hiding her from his family then he has even more issues than you originally suspected. If he cannot stand up to his family then he’s living a life filled with issues and unhappiness (to name a few).

When you realize he was never the guy you thought he was - you will move in and he will fade from your life. You won’t care what he does. Or who he does it with. You will not cyber-track him. Because you won’t care.

This is temporary - how you feel and what you do is just right now. One day you will move on from him completely. You will realize you are wasting your time and energy on him.

Next time you want to google him or something like that - force yourself not to. Do something else. Distract yourself. Volunteer for a local charity or organization. Go for a run or yoga or call a friend. Read a book. Consciously avoid looking him up. Once you stop 🛑 that you will not have these feelings.

Realize you won - you won your self respect and integrity to living an authentic life. You stood up to his family. You refused to live a lie and stay in a marriage that would be a nightmare for you. You stood up for YOU. Rock on!!!

Be proud of you!!!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:00 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Lalagirl posted 11/14/2019 06:47 AM

Excellent post, The1stWife! I echo every single word.

(((((brokenbride))))))

Dust yourself off, go do something for you today, and get back on that happy train - don't let that "man" take away one more ounce of your life and happiness.

MamaDragon posted 11/14/2019 08:48 AM

Everything 1stwife said!!!!

He is not living a high life, he is hiding his shame.

I still say Snake guy was his way of keeping tabs on you - and if you ever find a boyfriend, your stbxh will be beside himself.

You are a beautiful, strong woman - who will come through this with an amazing grace.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/14/2019 10:24 AM

BrokenBride,

You’re going to have slip ups. This is still a new learning curve for you.

Keep on keeping on.

Each time you post, your increasing strength radiates off the screen!

You’re doing great!

Marz posted 11/14/2019 11:06 AM

No contact means no contact. Stalking is contact. As you've seen it gets you nothing but a setback.

Hopefully you learned a good lesson.

fareast posted 11/14/2019 11:44 AM

Everything 1stwife said. You are going to be fine. Just get back on that No Contact horse and keep riding. We’ve all fallen off at one point or another.

Hurtmyheart posted 11/14/2019 14:17 PM

Agree with The1stwife also! An emotionally healthy man does not behave the way your WH has been behaving. He has major issues.

You're on a good path, Brokenbride! You've had a setback. It's okay! Pick yourself back up and continue towards the light. And keep posting and reading here. Glad you overall are doing better.

Hurtmyheart posted 11/14/2019 14:24 PM

He still has me all over his social media page which makes me feel like he is using me as a cover so ppl won’t ask questions


This part is disturbing. Not sure if I would accept this if it were me.

The1stWife posted 11/14/2019 15:12 PM

He still has me all over his social media page which makes me feel like he is using me as a cover so ppl won’t ask questions.

This speaks volumes. His whole life is one big lie!!

Rustylife posted 11/14/2019 15:55 PM

Great to hear from you. And the slow progress is alright. Two steps forward, one step back. It's unrealistic if you think you're going to get over a 12 years relationship in such a small time. If the flame had diminished on your side, it could be done, but you were blindsided. It will take time.

BUT,next time you relapse, stop yourself from calling up HIS family or anyone on his side. Venting to your friends is okay but anyone who you think can add to the fire, assume that they will do so. Try to make peace with the fact that this relationship has ended. Conclusively. There shouldn't be any back and forth via third parties. You must discourage this from happening.

Live and learn. A setback is alright. Just don't let it get too out of control. Again, good to hear from you.

EllieKMAS posted 11/14/2019 16:42 PM

Our DDays are pretty darn close (mine was 11/07/18). This is the first I have ever read of your thread and can I just say... you are pretty fuckin amazing as far as I can see!!

Don't have much advice for you - my D will be final in 29 days. Hopefully yours gets moving soon and gets completed.

Reading through this inspired me to finally unfriend my in-laws. I had already unfriended blocked the xshitbag and all his whores that I knew of, but have been hesitating on the in-laws. Finally did it. I'm at work at the moment so can't have a breakdown, but I honestly think I may not cry about it.

It's ok that you relapsed, but let me just tell you - unfriending/blocking/and deleting every single photo of him on FB and off my phone... I haven't regretted that not once.

BB8 you are an amazing woman and your strength and faith and humor shine through all of this, even when you were falling apart. You are gonna be just fine!

pureheartkit posted 11/15/2019 18:47 PM

Nothing to be down on yourself about. Nobody here is perfect. We all take our own paths.

Why is snakey still checking in? Give him the shove off and don't think twice about it.

It takes time to get to know someone. If somebody looks perfect from the start, sometimes it's an idealised person they are showing you. Love grows. Sometimes we get infatuated, sure and don't see the imperfections. Real people have imperfections. Loving, true people have imperfections. It's ok if someone isn't everything he was to you. That's ok.
It's only some fun and dates, not the rest of your days. Go and meet people. Find out what interests them. Let them tell you who they are.

You love to travel and you will travel. Someone who loves you will take you here there and everywhere because they adore you. Then all these sad thoughts will be *poof* because you'll be traveling with your sweetie. Too busy having fun to think of whatthey did.

I'm glad to hear from you. Keep your health up and enjoy this time in your life. You are learning so much and becoming strong. You'll have that all your life. Strong is sexy!

hopefullife posted 11/16/2019 03:53 AM

Wow, I just went through your whole thread and felt like you're speaking on behalf of me. Very similar story.

Just want to say, you inspire me brokenbride!

They may look happy, blessed or whatever and it hurts to see that. But we will never know the reality of all that's happening on the other side of the fence. Let's continue to heal ourselves and hope that we'll soon get to the day when we no longer care. Stay strong.

steadychevy posted 11/16/2019 11:37 AM

Nothing is in a straight line, brokenbride. You slipped up. Okay. Dust off and continue. To have success is to get up more often than you fall down. You are already successful with this. Keep your faith. You will find strength there. You are doing amazing.

brokenbride8 posted 11/20/2019 21:26 PM

@The1stWife
Thank you for the response. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I know he is a liar and a cheater, but it’s almost like our history/track records in our relationship won’t let me accept that that is who he is vs. some sort of midlife crisis that he will one wake up from.

He keeps his gf hidden from the family because I exposed her in the thick of things (and told her in an email that I exposed her to everyone so good luck being seen as anything else besides the mistress). I asked his mom out of curiosity if he has said anything or introduced her and her response was “oh no he knows better than to bring her around me!”. Clearly the OTW doesn’t care and neither does my ex. What kind of woman does that?? He’ll just stay in a secret relationship with her I guess and say F everyone.

I was starting to think about how (although it’s tough), I get to evolve in my singlehood. He went straight into another relationship that started off with infidelity with a woman that’s 11 years older than him….

Everyone says a day will come where I will feel nothing, but it’s so hard to see that as possible. I do recognize that I’m in a much, much better space than a year ago, but I feel like I’ve hit a wall and got sucked back in.

@Lalagirl
Thank you! I went ahead and booked myself a facial, went to the gym yesterday and relaxed with some candles. Trying to shift my focus back to me

@MamaDragon
I try to tell myself he is hiding in shame, but the fact that he is still with her and their relationship is seemingly “progressing”, makes me feel like he is more so “protecting” her. Thank you so much for the kind words. Fighting the good fight over here..

@20yrsagoBS
Thank you so much! It really means a lot that you can see progress in my posts. I haven’t re-read my story and sometimes I feel so stagnant I question if I’m getting stronger or just suppressing it.

@Marz & @farest
You’re right…I used to pain shop soooooooo much early on. Once I felt like I was passed that stage, I celebrated. It’s almost like my curiosity (i.e., of what he is doing and to see how much I’ve healed) got the best of me. I thought I was “testing” myself but clearly I just picked at the scab

@Hurtmyheart
I’ve had so many mixed feelings about this too. I struggled with wanting to somehow tell him to take me down because I feel used as a cover to keep up appearances. But he doesn’t wear his ring and I’m sure he’s told people at work, so I don’t think that’s it. I struggled with maybe he is just simply too lazy too and honestly it’s not that the OW cares anyway. Then I thought maybe it’s a sign he is regretful and is struggling with deleting the memories…that was until I found out he went to the Bahamas with the OW and had a grand ole time. I’ve slowly but surely started deleting him (even including pictures of me where you can clearly see my ring). I’ve also struggled with keeping up the tagged pictures of him that show up on his page almost as a way to remind him of what we had and how shameful he is. So.many.emotions.

@Rustylife
You’re right…I keep telling myself 12 years vs. 1 of separation (not even officially divorced yet) is not enough. I get conflicted and feel pressure to hurry and heal so I can hurry and start over. I will be 32 in a couple of months and just feel so “behind”. When I think I’m making great progress, I question myself (progress vs. suppression). I’ve watched so many videos and articles that said you have to make sure you truly “feel” the pain and I wonder sometimes if I’m hurting myself by purposely shifting my focus to other things (ass backwards I know). I felt a little embarrassed that I even reached out to his mom. It was like I was tattle-telling in a way. But she has no power over him and he doesn’t value her opinion anyway so I guess I just wanted her to know her son is STILL a shady, lying ass MF.

@EllieKMAS
Thank you thank you thank you! I really appreciate your kind words! I’m sorry to hear you share a “holiday season” D-Day too. Out of curiosity, how do you know your divorce will be final in 29 days? Is there a final court date where you sign papers and it’s official? I’m so behind in the process I don’t even truly know those steps. I’m supposed to be meeting with my attorney in a couple of weeks to review his financials and “decide” what I want to do (aka fight or just get it over with). I’ve been slowly deleting pictures off my phone…but admittedly I haven’t deep dived into that just yet. Maybe I’ll grab a bottle of wine, sit down and get it done.

@pureheartkit
I think I’ve officially rid myself of the Snake (at least by phone). I didn’t block him on social media (we were never friends), but he hasn’t reach out to me since Sept. Sometimes I wonder if he created another fake page to watch my stories on IG or view my posts…I may start to entertain the idea of at least going on dates some time in 2020 (TBD). I go back and forth between feeling pressured to hurry up & heal and get back out there vs. taking my time and letting the right person find me. I’m just so jaded from this and from reading stats on divorce rates for second marriages UGH I just can’t wait until this “chapter” in my life is over.

@hopefullife
I’m so glad you were able to find some inspiration in my thread, especially because I always thought of it as mostly a vent session with me rambling and dumping my emotions. It’s true we don’t know what’s really going on, but it’s just that nagging thought of what if the grass really IS greener (at least in my ex’s eyes…cue insecurities). Stay strong my friend! I have good days and some not so good, but one thing is certain – life goes on.

@steadychevy
Thank you for this. I think my family and some of my friends are “over it” or can’t understand why I’m still hung up on this, especially with having such an amazing year. I get mad at myself sometimes because of this as I don’t want to seem ungrateful for all of the blessings I’ve received this year.

Update 11.20

I feel better after my discovery (Bahamas trip), but still hurting from it. That piece of info triggered the start of “mind movies” again UGH! Literally envisioning how it all came together…he probably picked her up from her house to go to the airport, parked at the lot he always parks at when we used to go on family vacations…she probably laid her head on his shoulder during the flight and fell sleep…etc etc etc. I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! I feel like I literally need hypnosis or something to stop it.

I also still struggle with being okay with how I handled things. I sometimes regret NOT lashing out (slashing tires, sugar in tank, telling his job, busing a window, etc.). I know it wouldn’t have changed anything, but I regret not even getting that temporary satisfaction. All I did was cry a lot, send him emails back and forth, starve myself, miss work and snoop around the house when he wasn’t there to find “evidence” – feel like I let him off too easy. I question sometimes if I truly bowed out gracefully (or as gracefully as possible anyway) or if I came off as a doormat that just let him wreak havoc and steamroll me. Guess it really doesn’t matter anyway…

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