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2 years married & headed for divorce

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The1stWife posted 11/21/2019 08:55 AM

I see the opposite of a doormat.

I see a strong woman’s who stood up to a selfish narcissistic lying cheating H. I see a strong woman with morals and integrity who did the right thing. I see a strong woman who refused to be pushed to remain in a marriage that was corrupt - despite the family pressure and “shame” a D will bring to his family.

That is not and never will be a person who is a doormat.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:59 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

thatbpguy posted 11/21/2019 09:24 AM

The1stWife: "This speaks volumes. His whole life is one big lie!!"

And always will be.

Think his new relationship will last very long? Nor will the many that follow. Proverbs 26:11 speaks of this type of person- As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.

MamaDragon posted 11/21/2019 09:46 AM

I have to admit, when my FWH cheated I lashed out pretty darn bad. It was not pretty - felt awesome but was definitely not one of my finer moments.

If you feel like lashing out at him, no one will blame you. He would probably be surprised too.

Most folks will just tell you to stay crickets, and that is probably the classier way to go but I'm one of those that if it makes you feel better and it is not illegal - go for it. Just be prepared for the back lash.

(hugs) you got this though, you will come out looking like the better person in the long run.

steadychevy posted 11/21/2019 11:45 AM

brokenbride, you're one year from DDay. That seems like more than enough time to "get over it" to those who have never needed to get over it. It's the start of a longer journey for those that actually have to get over it. Remember 2 to 5 years? Hopefully it will be closer to the 2 years for you because it seems to me you're doing pretty well.

I'm a born again Christian. I was agonizing over the things I did and the things I didn't do from time to time. I spoke to my IC (a born again Christian) about that. She asked me something that was very useful to me. She asked if I had forgiven myself for the things I did and didn't do. That really made me think. I hadn't.

We prayed at the end on my session about me forgiving myself. It made a huge difference for me. I still, occasionally, go there but I can get out of it quite quickly and the effect isn't any where close to the same and the frequency, while not often before, is quite infrequent now.

I still think you're doing very well even if it doesn't feel like it to you. I think we're often harder on ourselves than others are.

Bladerunner2054 posted 11/21/2019 17:27 PM

Brokenbride, if it’s any consolation, if a guy marries a woman who f’s around, he marries a woman who f’s around.

Karma will get your STBX. I guarantee it.

CatsNTats posted 11/22/2019 12:40 PM

Brokenbride, people that jump directly into a "new" relationship when they haven't had the time to heal or process their last one typically wind up in the same position they were in before - unhappy.

This won't work out for him.

Everything in life is temporary.

You are on higher ground.

As someone else on here said on another thread SHAME is a beast of a burden to carry (something along these lines anyway). It is will eat a person alive. He's living in his own shit - and you are not a part of that. Be glad.

Also - you are still young. Be glad you found out who he was now rather than much later. You can still have a family and all the things you want - you just have to let go of him and this havoc and wreckage he has wreaked on your life and let yourself find happiness again.

It sounds like you've made amazing progress.

I've never seen your thread/posts before now, but I will say I am proud of you.

I'm working through my own grief right now - but mine is dead.

There is going to be a light at the end of this tunnel.

Keep moving forward - keep doing you.

NoOptTo posted 11/22/2019 16:12 PM

BB,

In years to come, you will be able to say that you dealt with your XH in a dignified manner. You showed him more respect then he showed you. That in its self shows your class as a person. He is still hiding his side piece from family, showing his lack of character. In time you will see the strength you have garnered from this experience and see how you have grown as a person. It's ok to feel your feelings of what if and not doing trivial back at you with your STBXWH. But in the end, the goal is to get out of infidelity and begin enjoying life again.

Hurtmyheart posted 11/22/2019 16:27 PM

Brokenbride, you are in mourning. Your heart has been broken by this man you loved so deeply. It's okay to still feel your sadness, anger and disappointment for this person you thought you knew.

I am so sorry and sad for you, Brokenbride. Take a couple more years to mourn and cry and to come to some kind of acceptance that your marriage was not meant to be. Your DD was not that long ago. Have you thought about going back to re-read your post?

You are so young still. Work on focusing on yourself for awhile. Go jogging, work out at the gym, do some reflection on your life and who you are and make goals for yourself, take up jogging, hang out with friends and family, stay on SI for awhile. Try reading other's posts and maybe offer some insight into what you have learned from this journey. This can be very soothing and I have found for me reading here on SI has helped me to overcome some emotional pain and helped me to deal with my own issues. I know there are others on here who could benefit well from your support. I've learned a lot from all the different perspectives.

Just take great care of yourself for awhile, it's a great idea. It's okay to do this, you know. Allow yourself lots of time to heal your broken heart and soul. Sorry for your struggles.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 4:58 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]

EllieKMAS posted 11/22/2019 22:35 PM

BB - I am damn lucky, that's why I know about my D date. As far as divorces go, mine was remarkable anti-climactic. Good thing for me my xshitbag is a lazy fucker, so I did all the paperwork and just flagged where he needed to sign. Then made him go to courthouse with me to turn everything in. We have no kids and don't share titles on anything, so had a pretty easy time after all was said and done. Was sweating it for a while, cus technically I could have winded up owing him alimony (yeah, how fucked up is that?), but thankfully his laziness helped there too. In CO, for my type of D, there is an email address you can contact for status updates, so I did and heard back about it being final on Dec 13.

And boy do I hear you about wishing I had lashed out more. After all the dust settles I will be glad I didn't, but I do wish I had at least slapped the shit out of him or kicked him in the bits or something. Oh well.

Pics - yes ma'am. Delete delete delete. I did that the day I filed for my D. Like I said, have not regretted it once.

brokenbride8 posted 12/11/2019 15:09 PM

***BREAKING NEWS***

My STBXH reached out via email....after 10/11 months....

Let me tell you how I found out. So earlier this year I bailed his email, marked to have them go straight to the trash. At first, I was admittedly checking the trash right after I did it (stupid I know), but eventually stopped doing this probably before summer hit. My email said my storage was full so I went to delete emails from my trash. And there it was... an email from November. The day he proposed 5 years ago...

I saw this at the worst time (before going into a work meeting to present), but read it anyway.

I couldn’t believe it...he started by explaining how it took him a while to write this email but he wanted to get his thoughts out with no hostility. Said he doesn’t expect a reply and doesn’t think one is needed...

He confessed that the “things that have transpired” between us the past year and half has been the hardest part of his life so far. Says he knows that him and I “will never recover from this and don’t expect to.” Goes on to say how “only God knows why these circumstances have transpired” and how things will play out when it’s all said an done.

“I am deeply sorry for the hurt that I have caused you and it will always be attached to me. I just want you to know that the person you are is 10x bigger than what you and I had.”

Now this next part is confusing and I’m trying to analyze too much... he says “I want you to know that even though you and I aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean we need to go through some dramatic life change or feel that was need to inspire ourselves to be a version of ourselves that never existed.” Huh!? What does this even mean...

He goes on to tell me how amazing I am and how I’m able to shine regardless of who I’m with. Then says he hopes this is making sense as he know I felt that life would never be the same but it will. Believe it or not he “prays for me and my well being and really hopes I get everything I deserve and be the person I’ve always been.” Then calls out how all we can do in life is learn from our mistakes and get better. Ended it by saying he thought I deserved to hear something and prays I’m well...

I literally feel like I might explode with mixed emotions...is this guilt finally setting in!? How when he is bf/gf with that other woman (or did they break up...)? What are the odds that I would even see his email right before deleting it forever?? He confessed to hurting me...but didn’t use the word “betrayal”...Could things truly be that hard for him when he has/had the OW!? I wish he apologized for hurting my family as well...they loved him too and still can’t get past it.

Is he just trying to soothe his guilt and check the box to say “I reached out and apologized”....or did he swallow his pride enough to be honest. Why do I kind of feel sorry for him...ugh none of this had to happen!!!

I’m all over the place. Don’t plan on telling any of my friends/family yet....

The1stWife posted 12/11/2019 18:00 PM

Well well well. The coward of a cheating STBXH sent you an email. Almost one year later.

Let’s assume he meant it as an apology. Whatever.

He’s concerned about you and your well being. His actions have not showed that.

He thinks you deserve the best. Quite honestly no one cares what he thinks.

He prays for you. How very thoughtful. Maybe he should take some of that energy and focus on himself and his own issues.

Sounds to me like reality has set in and the affair fog has lifted. It may be his attempt to fish to see if you are interested or maybe still available.

In the real world he’s not a catch. He’s a catch and release.

He devastated and betrayed you. He needs to move on and leave you alone. You need to have no further contact b/c this is a game to him. He’s not a man who has owned up to the truth of what he did.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:01 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Walkingthewire posted 12/11/2019 19:03 PM

Sounds like guilt is setting in and he is realized that the grass isn't always greener and he should have watered his grass instead of looking for someone else to water instead. I hope that makes sense. lol

As for you relapsing previously, it happens. I did it today. Shit happens and we move forward.

NEWPERSON posted 12/12/2019 00:03 AM

@brokenbride 8, so let me give you my 2 cents on why he wrote the email.The supply may no longer make him feel like he is everything under the sun and so he needs you to pick him up.

if he really wanted to apologized he would have requested a face to face meeting and man-up and look at you in the face.

the reason why I am telling you this is because my DD1 was last December 2018 , I stuck around and this week specifically from Sunday to Saturday my husband is away supposedly work but i made investigation and he is with the same woman he was with last December(she is his employee by the way so always at his disposal).....now I am not as gutted as I was last year because I started saving money in May and devising an exit plan(2 years is what I could come up with-financially I am not strong) but my point is in August he was singing a different tune that family is everything to him and if we don't make it he would like to keep the friendship and i then relapsed and got intimate with him several times up until November and guess WHAt? In November he went back to his ways -this time blatantly with no shame...left 2 days in a row and the following week.
I have requested my pension savings to be paid out so I can move out in Jan.

My point is remorse for these people is only when they don't have an upper hand on you, so do not doubt yourself ,keep your head up you have done well so far.I have two sons and one of them keeps asking are you going to divorce and it breaks my heart that my son keeps worrying about two adults.I definitely would have left early if I had no kids, to think i have to deal with him for the rest of my life just makes me sad.

you are human and caring and that is why you feel sorry for him but do not be fooled he is the same person he was even with insight to their behaviors they still find a way to say if you had done this and that we would not have been in this situation-so again its you and not their inability to be mature and address their unhappiness without seeking outside supply,they never change!

NEWPERSON posted 12/12/2019 00:03 AM

@brokenbride 8, so let me give you my 2 cents on why he wrote the email.The supply may no longer make him feel like he is everything under the sun and so he needs you to pick him up.

if he really wanted to apologized he would have requested a face to face meeting and man-up and look at you in the face.

the reason why I am telling you this is because my DD1 was last December 2018 , I stuck around and this week specifically from Sunday to Saturday my husband is away supposedly work but i made investigation and he is with the same woman he was with last December(she is his employee by the way so always at his disposal).....now I am not as gutted as I was last year because I started saving money in May and devising an exit plan(2 years is what I could come up with-financially I am not strong) but my point is in August he was singing a different tune that family is everything to him and if we don't make it he would like to keep the friendship and i then relapsed and got intimate with him several times up until November and guess WHAt? In November he went back to his ways -this time blatantly with no shame...left 2 days in a row and the following week.
I have requested my pension savings to be paid out so I can move out in Jan.

My point is remorse for these people is only when they don't have an upper hand on you, so do not doubt yourself ,keep your head up you have done well so far.I have two sons and one of them keeps asking are you going to divorce and it breaks my heart that my son keeps worrying about two adults.I definitely would have left early if I had no kids, to think i have to deal with him for the rest of my life just makes me sad.

you are human and caring and that is why you feel sorry for him but do not be fooled he is the same person he was even with insight to their behaviors they still find a way to say if you had done this and that we would not have been in this situation-so again its you and not their inability to be mature and address their unhappiness without seeking outside supply,they never change!

The1stWife posted 12/12/2019 04:58 AM

Well put NEWPERSON.

steadychevy posted 12/12/2019 05:50 AM

He did this for himself and not for you, IMO, brokenbride. He can now pat himself on the back and convince himself that he's not a bad person. Why he even prays for you.

If he spent so much time drafting this message he sure ended up talking in riddles. There's nothing there. Oh, and you should have sympathy for him because it's been so hard on him and it was God ordained. No it wasn't.

steadychevy posted 12/12/2019 05:50 AM

He did this for himself and not for you, IMO, brokenbride. He can now pat himself on the back and convince himself that he's not a bad person. Why he even prays for you.

If he spent so much time drafting this message he sure ended up talking in riddles. There's nothing there. Oh, and you should have sympathy for him because it's been so hard on him and it was God ordained. No it wasn't.

Freeme posted 12/12/2019 07:13 AM

What a lame apology.

Goes on to say how “only God knows why these circumstances have transpired” and how things will play out when it’s all said an done.
hate this line the most. Sounds like he is telling you that God made him treat you like S---.

I just want you to know that the person you are is 10x bigger than what you and I had.”

I hate this line too. It's like he is saying you are better without me... the martyr breaking up with you without letting you talk/explain.

The only sense I can make out of this line -

“I want you to know that even though you and I aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean we need to go through some dramatic life change or feel that was need to inspire ourselves to be a version of ourselves that never existed.”
Would depend on what he might have heard happened in November/around November. Let me explain. Let's say he heard you had a one night stand with someone. He knows he has no say in what is going on in your life but wants you to know that you shouldn't change your being because you two are no longer together.

Of course if I'm right about that it means that he is keeping close tabs on you and is bothered by something he heard.

So the gist of the letter is a lame apology that he doesn't really mean. Fishing to see if you would reply without him admitting guilt. And... he is really bothered by something he heard about you.

And there it was... an email from November. The day he proposed 5 years ago
...Did he note this in the letter or could it have been a coincidence?

Cooley2here posted 12/12/2019 08:11 AM

He is trying to assuage his guilt. He is still with the OW. He knows he hurt you but he was too chickenshit to apologize. Now he has enough distance from you that he can check that off his to do list and move on. Don’t read more than that into the message. I know a few cheaters who left for their AP and they all felt guilty. Only one tried to apologize. The rest didn’t know how so they just stored the guilt away and moved on. Please take care of yourself.

brokenbride8 posted 12/12/2019 22:40 PM

Well...I successfully didn’t get any sleep last night thinking about that email. 😞 I’m leaning towards the idea that he wanted to check “reaching out to apologize” off his list, which brings to the surface a new type of pain and further shows his selfishness.

How could I love and marry someone who turned out to be the most selfish person Ive ever met...

I also get from the letter than he is resentful towards me, but I can’t figure out why. HE destroyed our marriage by steppin out and then creating “reasons” to get out and pursue the OW. I simply reacted to the heartbreak and pain he caused.

I’m pretty analytical (to a fault sometimes) and I feel like it’s a bunch of mumbo jumbo (disappointingly so). The good news is about 85% of me doesn’t feel the need to respond. Him saying “I wonder what life is like with out you” is something I will never forget and me not responding is fulfilling that further. My sister says he knows me well enough to think I may respond (which I have in the past when he said I didn’t need to), but just knowing that as well makes me want to switch it up and stay silent.

@freemee - I’ve been trying to live my best life, but haven’t don’t anything out of character (unless he found out about my solo international trip, but I’ve talked about doing that before while with him). No dates...no one night stands...no getting craY drunk...no drugs etc. I’ve done a ton of fun activities this year, but don’t know wth he meant by this comment. I don’t know why I feel like he isn’t keeping tabs on me/checking my social media. Could be naive about this but I feel he had tunnel vision on himself. I also think the day was just a coincidence.

@steadychevy - I think you’re right...my first reaction was one of “finally! Ha! guilt!” But the more I analyzed it, it seems pointless and self-serving. It could’ve came off as a genuine apology if he actually admitted to the betrayal and infidelity...God didn’t make him treat me like shit and pull us a part. I believe God saved me because he knew he was no good.

@NEWPERSON - I’m so sorry to hear this!! I literally can’t imagine going through this and having to be a parent at the same time. I guess I couldn’t really expect a face to face meeting out of him anyway bc of the destruction he caused - he is too ashamed and quite frankly probably scared someone may pop up and give him a good old fashion ass whoopin. Just sad about it all...

@walkingthewire - yes totally makes sense! I hope the grass turns out to be rotten to the root. He deserves ever bit of it too. Hang in there!!

@The1stWife - there’s a part of me that wants to believe this was his attempt at an apology but can’t help but see it as driven by his need to lessen his own guilt. The fact that he prays for me vs. praying for God to help him see why he made the decisions he made and how to become a better person...not that kind of admission would’ve been something! I also wonder if he owns up to what he did privately and his email was just a brain dump....or could it be he doesn’t truly understand the magnitude of what he’s done based on his FOO and the fact that no one has ever loved him like me...I’ll never know I guess

@cooley2here - that’s awful...how can one just treat someone so poorly and bottle up the guilt/pretend like they didn’t do it. I sometimes think my STBXH has actually convinced himself in the most delusional way that what he did wasn’t that bad because he “followed his heart” and is now living in his truth.

I think I need to get back in therapy....feeling that desperation to talk about it again

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