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2 years married & headed for divorce

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free2016 posted 12/13/2019 03:42 AM

BB, he is resentful of you because the reality finally has hit him and he is getting more and more aware of what people around think of him, including his own family.
Initially, in excitement of the new relationship, he was able to compartmentalize and ignore, but as things settle, it becomes more obvious that his social status suffered an irreversible blow.
He also recognizes that coming back to you is not an option given the devastation he caused. Even if he managed to convince you to attempt R, which will be a very humiliating step for him, he would be looking for years of healing and the betrayal will still be a lingering pain in your relationship.
Cheaters are quite conscious of what they do and what their actions means for the current relationship. He might not had given it a thorough thought at the time but he definitely had an idea and made his choice accordingly. The way he treated you following DDay shows that he meant to leave forever. A cheater who doubts new relationship usually strings the spouse alone, your WH turned his back on you and did everything to hurt you as mush as possible so you would quickly disappeared from his life.
I would not respond to his email. He begins to hurt and it is about time ...

The1stWife posted 12/13/2019 06:39 AM

I’m going to make a suggestion.

Please have a trusted friend or relative or attorney contact him with a very firm “do not contact broken bride again or there will be legal consequences”.

I do not suggest that you do this. He will view it as a continued opportunity to engage.

Get him to go away and leave you alone. Permanently.

He is mentally unbalanced based on his actions. You have walked away and not made his life a living hell - he’s done that on his own. He cannot try to resurrect your marriage. He killed it. He needs to move on and stop looking to you for anything.

He sent that email out of guilt. Nothing more unfortunately. It appeared he tried to apologize but it was more of a “please don’t hate me” type of communication to you.

HE needs to be told to take a hike. Permanently!

brokenbride8 posted 12/13/2019 19:51 PM

I’m sorry...I’m resisting the urge to respond to him. I’m doing so, I crafted a response and am posting it here for some emotional peace.

Sorry for the rant, ramble and typos...just had to get it off my chest

——————

I guess I’ll start by saying I’m very surprised to hear from you, especially after all this time and the fact that you made the decision to end our marriage and pursue a relationship with your mistress.

I think the most disappointing thing about your note is your lack of accountability beyond the simple acknowledgement of “hurting me in the worst way”. That unfortunately doesn’t fully capture the magnitude of pain you’ve caused and just how deeply you’ve hurt so many through your selfishness and chasing the allure of what’s possible.

God gives us free will as his children. You used your free will to break not only our covenant with an extramarital affair, but intentionally ruined 12+ years of what I mistakenly believed was an unbreakable and unshakeable bond. You allowed temptation to get into your spirit and chose to blame it on love lost and a host of other reasons why you felt it was okay to break my heart. You used your free will to water the grass on the other side vs. tending to your own. Make no mistake, the only thing that is God ordained about the last year and a half is Him saving me from a lifetime of pain by being 110% committed to a one-sided partnership. Marriage to me meant forever and getting through the seasons of life together. I grew up with the understanding that everything wasn’t always going to be butterflies, giggles and excitement. But, you don’t intentionally choose to hurt the someone who loves you.

In lieu of praying for me and my well-being, I ask that you pray for yourself and your spirit. Pray and ask God to help you understand why you did the things you did and said so many hurtful things on top of it. No matter how much you pray or how in love you feel, I hope you understand that God will never bless a relationship borne out of sin and infidelity. I also fully trust and believe that God has better in store for me because you reap what you sow. I’m far from perfect, but I’ve never (and would never) do half of what you’ve done to anyone. Your choice is a direct reflection of your morals, standards and you.

At the end of the day, you reached out for you. What you’ve done is simply a testament of your true character and representative of who you are. The irony is that one of the biggest reasons I admired you was because of your drive and passion to pursue whatever you set your mind to, no matter the obstacles. Little did I know that one day I/our marriage would become the next obstacle you’d push past.

Thank you for breaking my heart and showing me what rock bottom looks like. Through it, I found self love, strength and most importantly myself again.

P.S.

“It's a shame that the very people who you protect are the first ones to turn there backs on you.”
Autumn Kohler

You’re “best friend” kept me well informed of your wrong-doings, jealous episodes and lies throughout this entire process. Through our almost daily communication about you, he eventually realized just how amazing I am and even came on to me - hard. What’s funny is I still felt the urge to tell you about his sex proposal even though you betrayed me. But I quickly realized birds of a feather flock together so it all started to make sense. If I was the same woman as [other woman’s name], I would’ve cheated. Imagine that as a plot twist.

EllieKMAS posted 12/14/2019 00:34 AM

BB honey, just leave that response right here. The only purpose it would serve for you to respond to his ridiculous 'apology' is to give him ego kibbles and add to his already over-inflated sense of grandeur about himself. I know part of you knows that, but you need to see it in black and white.

The most important thing you need to remember is that to pathetic little people like him, NO response IS a response, and a powerful one at that.

My advice? Delete that email and send his words right to the garbage going forward. Best place for them really. I also wouldn't bother getting anyone else to threaten legal action - again, that only feeds his stupid ego.

The hardest part about getting through something like this is accepting the fact that 'closure' is never gonna happen in any way that matters. It sucks.

The1stWife posted 12/14/2019 07:18 AM

I think what you wrote was well put and very mature.

IMO he will stop reading after the first few sentences.

People like him never take accountability for their actions so he wound never read the entire email. In his mind he’s done nothing wrong and the fact that he tries to use “God” as his rationale says it all.

Again very well written but the message will never be received by him. Even if you did send it. He won’t read it with more than a cursory glance at it. He lives in a delusional state whereby the reality of his choices are buried so deep he couldn’t find them if he tried.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:20 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 12/14/2019 08:51 AM

BB, as someone who experienced a similar 12 year surprise abandonment, all I gotta say is this: fuck that guy.

Don't pay any attention to the email. Get this crap out of your head. I'm fully healed a year later because I ran out of fucks to give. Deplete your reserves, immediately. Whats done is done. He showed you who he is. Dont believe his lies. Dont get wrapped up in his bullshit drama. Ignore ignore ignore. Stop seeking complications. Eyes ahead, BB. Youre doing you now. Its The BB Show now. Forget that asshole.

NEWPERSON posted 12/17/2019 13:43 PM

My husband also showed signs of remorse in August -September and I poured my heart out about how he made me feel and the pain I felt and he was super understanding of everything he did and even said he will move out the house to give me and kids space ...blah blah blah- when he was suppose to leave in October he refused ,said I will not kick him out of his house when we had had an understanding ....just last week he went away with his mistress so I tend to agree these people are all about making themselves feel good, no remorse ,no empathy and self-serving.

Rustylife posted 12/17/2019 14:36 PM

Good job posting the reply here and not responding. You are too charitable to this dipshit. Even if I buy this whole falling in love with someone else while married charade, you must remember, he treated you like trash in the weeks before and after the discovery. So much so that you had to abandon your home. Made your life miserable, locked you out, moved your belongings around.

No matter how noble he acts now in his apology and wishing you the best and depicts this shitshow as a gradual fading out, his true character is came out during then. This vermin is not worth a reply.

brokenbride8 posted 12/17/2019 21:13 PM

@EllieKMAS – you’re right…I think I’ve come to my senses. I just don’t know where this over-inflated sense of self-worth came from. He is an only child and he did NOT grow up spoiled…quite the opposite down to feeling some resentment towards both parents for different reasons. For once I’m standing on the “no response” side. I hope he is waiting by his email and hitting refresh like an addict (much how I was when we first separated). Definitely feeling like I’ll have to somehow create my own closure if I want it

@The1stWife – Thank you…I definitely shed some tears crafting it but I guess better out than in. I still SMDH at the fact he thinks God had his hand in his indiscretions… what a fool.

@AbandonedGuy – good to hear from you! I definitely remember our stories being very similar! I’m so glad to hear you feel fully healed. I inching towards that day still unfortunately. I’m mad at myself for reading it so many times and dissecting it like a detective. Working on pretending like I didn’t get it.

@NEWPERSON – Ugh…I’m sorry to hear this…I guess me sending my response and pouring out my emotions would end up the same way. I’m a little ashamed to say I honestly, briefly questioned if this should be my “last hooray” at expressing the pain he caused but I know that it’s pointless at the end of day.


@Rustylife – thank you…trying to refrain from reaching out to him any way I can. You’re right…so very right. It’s not just the infidelity and destruction of the marriage, he really did treat me like crap in the midst of it all. Painful, but necessarily reminder. Fuck him

UPDATE

I have a meeting with my attorney tomorrow, but he called me to give me a brief run down “in preparation” so I could “wrap my mind around things” before we meet….

Apparently my X has a crazy spending problem, has managed to accumulate thousands of dollars in credit card debt and has only a couple of hundred dollars in savings. Although he is “single” with no kids with a mortgage that’s super cheap, he is basically well on his way to bankruptcy. Six figure income, but eating out every single day (I cooked dinners AFTER coming home from my 9-5…), frivolous spending and pretty much living paycheck to paycheck. I’m basically coming out on top by a long shot….IF I don’t fight (i.e., dissipation, equity in the house which is not much, etc.). Looks like if I try to get anything out of him, there’s a big chance I’d be responsible for some of his debt

I’m slightly disappointed there isn’t anything available for me to truly gain (other than half the things out of the house – which at this point may not be worth it), but also feel a bit of a confidence boost that his life is continuing to spiral out of control and he hasn’t suddenly turned into a “better man” for the OW. I’ve been using the opportunity of staying with my family to reset (financially and emotionally). I dunno…kind of makes me sad as well...

The1stWife posted 12/18/2019 03:09 AM

I know this is bittersweet but whatever is going on with him, you are lucky you found out before you had children. Financially he is a train wreck. Emotionally he is a man-child.

It is so hard to watch someone you love on a downward spiral. Your first instinct is to help them. Your second instinct is to stand by them. And you do it until you get to a point where you need to save yourself and/or they throw you away.

It is possible he has some mental health issues now. They may require some serious attention. But if he’s not willing to address it then there is nothing anyone can do except watch it unfold How sad b/c he sounded like a good guy. Just win red what changed that caused him to make such poor choices.

BigMammaJamma posted 12/18/2019 08:47 AM

Man, BB. I have been following your thread since your first post and your transformation has been just incredible. This is certainly not a game, but if it were, you wiped the floor with your stbxwh. What an absolute badass.

MamaDragon posted 12/18/2019 08:57 AM

The best revenge is to live a well, successful and happy life. You are well on your way - you are successful, you are healthy and beautiful - and you will have the $$ to live a comfortable life - where he will be living pay check to pay check. It is evident that you were his moral compass, and his AP was an enabler...who was looking for a sugar daddy.

She will leave him when he is unable to borrow from peter to pay paul any longer, and from what you have said - that won't be long now. I wouldn't be surprised if you don't start hearing from him more often because now he realizes his shipping is sinking fast. Don't throw him a life raft.

Take the advice your lawyer gives you, and live life to the fullest.

KatieKat posted 12/18/2019 09:04 AM

BB that convo with the attorney was the cherry on top! He is aLOSER. You are a true, loving, brave, smart WINNER! Merry Christmas & A great 2020 to you. ❤️❤️❤️

NEWPERSON posted 12/18/2019 13:16 PM

The1stWife.....Lol I love the word man-child, this describes my husband .He throws tantrums every change he gets.

He is now mad that I am not going to Durban for New Year after i found out he was gone with his mistress for a week away.....

I sometimes feel sorry for him because I realize he will never grow up and will always go around in circle ,I will heal one day and he will be a distant memory while he will always ruin good relationship and possible end alone.

nekonamida posted 12/18/2019 14:44 PM

I’m slightly disappointed there isn’t anything available for me to truly gain (other than half the things out of the house – which at this point may not be worth it), but also feel a bit of a confidence boost that his life is continuing to spiral out of control and he hasn’t suddenly turned into a “better man” for the OW.

They NEVER do. Their problems and selfishness always follow them because change is hard and why bother doing that when you have a shiny new toy who hasn't figured out how much of a low life you really are yet.

Whatever you thought you might get from him that you won't due to the debt - chalk it up to the asshole tax. It's a small price to pay to be free of him.

EllieKMAS posted 12/18/2019 16:26 PM

What an absolute badass.
Hellz yeah BB! You totally are!

I’m slightly disappointed there isn’t anything available for me to truly gain (other than half the things out of the house – which at this point may not be worth it), but also feel a bit of a confidence boost that his life is continuing to spiral out of control and he hasn’t suddenly turned into a “better man” for the OW.
Look at it this way... You might not be gaining financially or materially, but you are gaining peace. And freedom. And honor. And honesty. And all the incredibly hard lessons you have learned along the way in dealing with this. Hard to put a price on those things, so yeah - I would definitely say you are coming out ahead!

As to the second part. Someone on SI once posted "Changing who they are WITH does not change who they ARE." Say it again, read it again. I know for me, that was def a kind of subconscious worry - that we would break up and all of a sudden he would magically be the man I had wanted him to be. Pffffft. That is a completely false worry. Cus my xdouche is still a man-child, and a loser with no job and no prospects, and will still always be looking for the person that can "fix" him, while remaining stuck in his self-destructive harmful patterns. Thank the heavens that it's not my job anymore to give a fuck about that!! And yeah, you are seeing first-hand just how beneficial you were to your xwh, cus he is crashing and burning bigtime. It's a shame, but thank goodness it is not your job anymore to prop him up!

You got this BB. You SO got this.

brokenbride8 posted 12/18/2019 21:58 PM

@The1stWife – I am starting to feel saved which is a long way from where I was. I was absolutely ripped apart about not having kids yet and having to start over at 31. I definitely think there’s something mental to play here, especially after the meeting with my attorney. I can’t believe I would’ve given this man a kidney if he needed it…so tragic

@Bigmammajamma – Thank you so much! It honestly means a lot for ppl to see my growth, especially on here but this is the only place I feel I can be 110% raw/real. Even talking to a therapist, I feel like I am putting on a filter sometimes and so focused on trying to communicate clearly. Thank you thank you.

@MamaDragon – This sounds about right. I’m trying not to be mad at myself for marrying someone who even had the capacity to become this corrupt. Trying to focus on the idea that I’ve been given a second chance at life sort of vs. all the time lost. It’s hard to do.

@KatieKat – Thank you so very much!! Still trying to figure out how he was able to hide his loserness from me for so long lol. Those damn rose-colored glasses are something I guess. Merry Christmas to you too and cheers to 2020!

@NEWPERSON – Isn’t that crazy? The nerve to get mad about ANYTHING really given what they’ve done. I’ve dabbled in and out of remorse but leaning more towards him just being an awful person now sighs

@nekonamida – I love this – asshole tax!! Going to use this for sure! He is on his way to financial ruin and he deserves it. There’s a part of me that feels like he probably doesn’t even realize how shitty his spending/lifestyle is.

@EllieKMAS – Thank you!! This means a lot because I feel like my family and friends are just continuously pushing for more progress without really acknowledging how far I’ve come. And you’re right…there is something about having my integrity and knowing in my heart of hearts I did right by him that gives me comfort. Also thank you for the reminder – I hope he stays the same shitty person he has become. The greatest glory would be for him to lose his job AND get his heart broken, and honestly, that may not even be enough or equivalent to the destruction he caused. Just trying to push through, I clearly still have some emotional work to do though.


**UPDATE**
Finally got to go through his financials…not surprised to see that he sent money to the OW several times, saw the birthday trip to the Bahamas and even a few other “getaways” to Wisconsin and places like the Sybaris around Valentine’s Day . He’s sent her flowers several times and even took her to MY FAVORITE restaurant I introduced him to – this pissed me off but also in a weird way made me detach a bit more bc of just how much of a dick he is just smacked me in the face. There was one particular restaurant him and I used to frequent (the waitress even knew our order – that frequent). I have not gone to the place in MONTHs because it’s a trigger for me, even when I crave it….now for him? He’s been several fucking times…..wow, just wow.

I made my final decision tonight to let it go. I’m not fighting for dissipation, equity in the house or any assets in the house. It was a very, very tough situation, but after seeing his stuff and talking with my attorney I came to the hard realization that I can’t vindicate myself by getting anything out of him because it would hurt me more in the long run (financially in terms of attorney fees and taking on some of his debt and mentally to still have to deal with this case into a new decade). I am just praying and trying to focus on continued healing and believe that because I have been a good/honest/true person that I will eventually be granted so much more than I can even imagine.

NEWPERSON posted 12/20/2019 00:22 AM

@brokenbride8

You are a good person and God has something bigger and better for you in store. Everything happens for a reason .Just because our partners do not appreciate us -it does not mean our value decreases, they did not make us so we remain who we are because we are blessed to be real, caring and loving people.

I am happy you are going forward with D ,I am planning to leave our home early next year....its the 2nd December I let this man hurt me.I now will pull the plug and hurt my heart to heal my soul-I deserve better than a husband who can take another mans wife for a week while leaving his family behind. My husband is a narcissist and whether I like it or not he will always find a way to hurt me...I just have to save my self. I hope one day I too meet a decent human being who can treat me with respect I deserve, until then I need time to heal and focus on my children who deserve a healthy mother

Freeme posted 12/20/2019 13:01 PM

Hate to bring up the past since you are doing so well but it kills me that out of the 5 lame reasons he gave you for the break-up - 3 had to do with money and yet He is the one that ....

Apparently my X has a crazy spending problem, has managed to accumulate thousands of dollars in credit card debt and has only a couple of hundred dollars in savings.

... and you have been able to go on vacations and save.
You are going to be fine. You are going to meet someone that is so much better than him.

EllieKMAS posted 12/20/2019 23:28 PM

(((BB)))

I get along really well with my family. And my mom and I are real close too. But most of them don't 'get it'. I have gotten to a point where I don't take it personally. If they haven't walked in my shoes, then they just don't know. And I know they mean well, just like yours do. Just take the support you can from them. Post here when you need to. (Also just a suggestion, but it helped me mentally to start posting in S&D)

Don't worry - he will get himself in plenty of trouble. And whatever bullshit he gets into is no longer something you have to deal with. Keep your eyes on that prize cus trust me when I tell you it is WORTH IT.

As fucking irritating as I am sure it is to let go of getting stuff from the D, you are looking at the bigger picture and that is awesome! The quicker you can get away from his anchor ass, the higher you will float.

Merry Christmas honey! Hope your holidays are as amazing as you and that the new year brings you so much happy you can't even handle it!

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