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2 years married & headed for divorce

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Crushed7 posted 12/29/2018 13:18 PM

My WS had an affair about 2 years into our marriage as well, but I made ALL the mistakes that others have been warning your about. I believed it was somehow my fault, I thought that I could save our marriage, I thought that my WS had just made a mistake/that she was under the AP's spell, etc. In my case, we didn't get divorced, moved forward with having kids and the years together ended up exposing affair after affair. My point in telling you this is that while what you are experiencing is absolutely gut wrenching, you are being wise and are taking a path that will help you heal and avoid future pain.

Just to reinforce some key things, many of which others have already mentioned...

1. Your WH has a character gap deep inside. As a result, he pursued getting "ego kibbles" in an attempt to make himself feel better. On the outside, it may look like the AP has him under a spell or that he is on drugs, because he is pursuing the affair despite what it will do to his marriage, his family and, potentially, even his job. In effect, he is pursuing his next "high" over and over, but, the real issue lies deep within. One way to sum it up simply is that he is self-centered and unempathetic pursuing only what he wants. Until he comes to a point of realizing the problem is within AND wants to do something about it, he will remain a self-centered person who is an unsafe partner for anyone.

2. Seeing one's faults and taking responsibility is a very difficult thing. Some people avoid doing so their entire lives. Your WH doesn't want to take responsibility and, as a result, will do anything and everything to avoid seeing that he is being a self-centered, manipulative, destructive cheater. That is why he has tried to rewrite the history of your relationship, why he is trying to blame you for everything and why he doesn't want the news of his affair to get out.

3. You can't fix him. Only he can do that.

4. The insidious lies that many betrayed spouses believe are (1) that the affair was somehow their fault in some way and (2) that they weren't good enough/worthwhile. I can't say this strongly enough -- the affair was NOT your fault in ANY way.

5. Step back to let your head clear a bit. The FAQ for Betrayed Spouses can help, especially the 180 (https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11). The truth is that your WH is currently emotionally, psychologically and financially abusing you. Being able to see that will help you in choosing your words and actions wisely.

From a practical standpoint, what I'd suggest is...

- Let your lawyer advise and handle things for you. Your WH has effectively kicked you out of the house and cut you off from any ties to it. While the home might be in his name, you are still married and that gives you certain rights.

- Since divorce appears inevitable, take your lawyer's advice about exposing the affair, especially at work -- loss of his job could have an impact on your divorce settlement. Once things are finalized, you are free to allow consequences to occur by letting out some information if you wish.

- You've grown to love his family and there is no reason to sever those relationships just because he is trying to avoid exposure and responsibility. All they need to know that that he has asked for a divorce and wants you to cut all ties with his family, but that you wanted them to know that you love them and would like to continue the relationship if they are willing.

- The fact that his family is trying to point out the destructive path he is on is called love. The uncomfortable feeling he gets due to that is called consequences. Don't let his lies tell you otherwise.

- If you also choose to share with his family that the divorce is due to him pursuing the OW, that is your choice, but you'll need to think through whether you then need to tell them about how the information getting to his work could be detrimental to you and consider whether you can trust them to (1) not mess things up or (2) not mention it to him.

- As far as his "best friend" goes, he sounds like a real weasel both from the likelihood that he knew about the affair and that he now is trying to take advantage of your pain to make a pass at you. While the information he has been funneling you is likely insightful, you'll want to seriously consider putting some distance there or end the relationship altogether.

- Finally (and most importantly), take care of yourself. You are going through an enormous emotional trauma. If that was a physical trauma, you'd be in the ICU right now. It is really, really important to find your own emotional ICU -- family, friends, counsellors and even this site -- to help you grapple with the grief over losing the marriage and future you dreamed that you'd have along with dealing with the betrayal, manipulation and outright assault that your WH is subjecting yourself to.

I'm so sorry that you are here, but I'm glad you found us. Feel free to vent, ask questions or seek encouragement as part of the long healing path that lies in front of you.

brokenbride8 posted 12/30/2018 07:14 AM

You all wonít believe what happened last night....

So apparently my husband is now hell bent on being a jerk to me. I get to our home and the screen door is locked (we never lock this bc I lost my key). I had to ring the door bell to my own home - blow 1. My father escorts me to help me carry my groceries in for my girls night Iím having. He sits down on the couch next to my husband waiting for my sister to come over with my niece & nephew to take them to my cousins party. Meanwhile, Iím in the kitchen cooking and my husband proceeds to ask my father why he is still there!! Saying he feels itís unnecessary for him to be there. My dad is keeping his cool and ignoring him.

Fast forward 20 min, in walks my husbands uncle. For what??! Just to have another male present to antagonize the situation. Fast forward 30 min, my guests are starting to arrive (Spanish tapas & sangria girls night). Now, my husband decided to call even MORE of his male friends over to intrude on my girls night. He couldíve left, went to a sports bar or hung out at a friends house like he has in the past, but nooooooo tonight he thought it would be best to invite HIS family & friends over impromptu. I can not make this shit up...

So what was supposed to be a calm, supportive and fun night for me turned into a nightmare on elm street. Of course my friends are aware at this point of what is happening (asshole treatment on top of divorce). My husband walks up to our bedroom door and unlocks it with a KEY. Wtf! He changed the knob. I say ďyou know that you arenít legally able to keep me out of our bedroom right?Ē My husband goes ďoh thatís your room nowĒ and points to our spare room that just had a futon and TV. I go to that room and noticed that while I was away, he moved ALL of my shit out of our master bed into the spare bedroom!!!! So he cheats, I find out and now he resentments me enough to move MY belongings without asking to another room and try to force me to sleep there on the futon!?! What kind of evil am I dealing with here!!

I am so hurt and livid that he is adding insult to injury and I havenít done anything to deserve this treatment. Fast forward a bit more and now the males in the house are arguing and swearing at each other bc of this.

I am mortified...I get a text my from husbands mom basically to check on me bc my husbands uncles told her it was getting ďwildĒ at our home and she needed to get there to support her son. I am close to his mom so I gave her the truth about what was going and she continues to be baffled by my husbands behavior saying this just isnít her son.

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 7:15 AM, December 30th (Sunday)]

goalong posted 12/30/2018 08:53 AM

good that you raise his blood pressure a little. Keep taking the higher road. You could have called police and WH would have been out of the house. But it may be you have to keep the sanity and good name with the in laws who are apparently shocked and dismayed like you. But eventually they have to side with the jerk. However he cannot keep you away from the house and you can weigh the pros and cons of calling the police.
I think he is in a confused clueless state controlled by his lust which will lead to self destruction. Do not be surprised if the company is already aware of the situation. Even if he lose the job you are not in for support as he has the potential to find another job. Hope you are emotionally detaching from the situation and focusing on the new future forced upon you

[This message edited by goalong at 9:01 AM, December 30th (Sunday)]

Cicinsajn posted 12/30/2018 09:04 AM

Im so so sory for bad stuff he do to you..please don't talk to him any more, don't ask any questions any more..he is not your friend any more..he is your enemy now..he see just his ass now..don't enable him to hurt you any more..word's can be painful for long time after..take care of you and don't engage whit him without lawyer..i know you have 10 000 question's..but you have to realize that you don't get that awnsers from him..he is lying to him self and than to you for a l9ng time..cheaters can be very cruel and arrogant after you caut them in cheating..

ChamomileTea posted 12/30/2018 09:19 AM

You need an attorney. Just because your WH owns the house doesn't necessarily mean you have no financial claim. You've only been married for 2 years, but you've been together for 10 more. So, depending on what monies you've put into household bills, he might owe you quite a lot. It sounds to me like you're at a point where you really do need sound legal advice. Certainly, you should be gathering up all financial and marital documentation and keeping it in a safe place.

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't go along with these immature games he's playing. Instead, implement the 180 (you'll find more info in the Healing Library) and create some emotional distance from him. Then, document every incident. And make sure you call the police if you ever feel truly threatened. Last night was all about inconveniencing and embarrassing you, so it seems harmless enough, but you're sitting on a powder keg nevertheless. Make sure you're safe and that you're always the adult in the room.


brokenbride8 posted 12/30/2018 09:52 AM

@Crushed7 - Thank you so much for the response and the highlights. Itís all so crazy and certainly feels like he is chasing a ďhighĒ. Unfortunately, he does not have a single positive male influence in his life. My father was the only person who could be that for him. His ďcircle of friendsĒ are anything but that. Full of cheaters and asshole. It was amazing to me how different my husband was from them...guess birds of a feather flock together. But in all seriousness, the 180 in my husband is insane.

He has even said he doesnít see how he is being a jerk. Itís so crazy...I still struggle with replaying the last few months and what maybe I could have done to help or ďsaveĒ him. I hate that I feel that way especially since he has been a complete ass to me. A lot of folks recommended the 180, so Iím going to check that out.

The snake of a best friend actually gave his number to a girlfriend of one of my friends who attended what was supposed to be our girls night. She of course hadnít been debriefed on the personal drama, so she didnít know he was a snake. This man is also married and has two kids. Thereís a part of me that wants to expose him to my husband just to prove 1: I know more than he thinks I know so the lie she has been telling are evident and 2: he needs new friends who wonít turn their back on him or encourage his wrongdoings

@Cicinsajn - itís unreal. This man was the love of my life for 12 years and is truly now the enemy. I think the arrogance on top of it all is whatís most jarring about the situation...

twisted posted 12/30/2018 09:59 AM

Bb8,
He's beginning to sound like my neighbors ex, completely obsessed and deranged to pull a stunt like that. Again, go legal, but always know he is trying to keep control of you. Check for cameras and other surveillance, change you password and authorized users on all accounts, he's watching.
Want to play the game? Tell him to ask his "friends" how many have already made passes at you. That will mess with his trust of them.

Cooley2here posted 12/30/2018 10:21 AM

Now you know who he really is. It is scary when the mask comes off. It reminds me of a horror movie. Get a lawyer ASAP and get the law involved if he continues to be this aggressive.

Freeme posted 12/30/2018 10:57 AM

He want's a fight. He want's you so mad you will do something stupid and he can tell everyone how unstable you are. He want's you to feel so uncomfortable going to the house that he can have the OW and her kids move in...and begin his "new life." He want's you to start yelling and throwing fits, hating him so he can feel superior. You can't reason with him right now. He has a goal and he is going to keep pushing buttons until he reaches that goal. Your best bet is to 180 him and further expose his behavior to everyone. He is going to start rewriting history and might even lie and say it was you that cheated. Do not try to protect him by thinking he will see the light eventually. His head is so full of hate and revenge that YOU are not going to get through.
I really think exposing his affair to the OW baby Daddy will help. I would not try to make him jelious by talking about his friends hitting on you. He will only use this to make you sound trashy, or as evidence of you having an affair. You can't reason with him. Maybe his Mom can or some other relative but you can't. You need to do a full 180 and expose the affair as much as possible.

If he does anything threatening you need to call the police. This includes blocking your way into the house, or out of rooms with his body.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

[This message edited by Freeme at 11:00 AM, December 30th (Sunday)]

Catwoman posted 12/30/2018 11:20 AM

Have you seen an attorney? I think that's very important right now. You need to know what your legal rights are. Knowledge is power.

Secondly, 180 his entitled ass. Don't react to him, don't give him a reason to react to you. Some very helpful things to say are:

I'm sorry you feel that way.

No.

Do not JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. He isn't in a position where he can listen.

Look, affairs are like a three-legged stool. You can sit pretty comfortably on a three-legged stool.

Take one of the legs away (you) and it becomes a LOT less comfortable. A LOT.

He wants to be divorced? Show him exactly what that is like. You come and go on YOUR schedule. You do not do his laundry, cook for him or do anything for him. Nada. You don't converse with him or ask him how his day went. You just do your own thing and ignore him.

But please, see an attorney right away. Seeing an attorney doesn't mean you're going to get divorced (although I don't see this man as marriage material right now at all), and even filing doesn't mean you will be divorced. If I were in your position, knowing what I know now, I'd file (and if you can use adultery as grounds and your attorney agrees, I would), petition for exclusive use of the house and a rapid settlement of the marital estate.

After all, that's what he wants, right?

Cat

brokenbride8 posted 12/30/2018 11:37 AM

@Catwoman & @Cooley2here - I have retained a lawyer. Event told him Iíd like to have my girlfriends over and he said itís completely in my right to do so because itís our marital home. My husband has filed already, but he apparently is working with a large firm so it seems like our case is small potatoes as the paperwork has not circulated with the courts yet to make it ďofficialĒ. Once my attorney receives the papers, I am going to counter file on the grounds of adultery. Unfortunately in my state (Illinois), it sounds like marital misconduct does not play into how the judge divides assets. In 2016 they also got rid of ďAlienation of affectionĒ or else I would come for the OW!

Adultery is illegal in IL, but most people never really sue for it because everyone is a damn cheater these days. Part of me still wants to sue him because I have substantial evidence on my own already of the affair. Just not sure if itís worth it. My heart is becoming petty dealing with his shenanigans.

He has been trying everything to keep me out of the house. Iíve been staying with my parents day to day to avoid interaction with him. He now feels like because Iím doing that I shouldnít have access to the house. My attorney says I can come and go as I please legally.

Catwoman posted 12/30/2018 11:45 AM

Document every interaction where he attempts to prevent you from normal use of the marital domicile. Some people suggest a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder), but I would check with your attorney whether or not that would be deemed illegal in your state.

So if I'm reading this right, he has filed, but you have yet to be served? Is that the case?

Since there are no children, the only issue would be the division of marital assets and debt. You are legally entitled in most states to recover 50% of what he spent on the OW. I would definitely do this. Depending on the laws of your state, you may be entitled to a larger portion of the marital estate due to his philandering. It is worth a shot.

I wouldn't stay with my parents--I would come and go at the marital residence as I saw fit (otherwise he could petition you "abandoned" it and he could be entitled to exclusive use).

Time to unleash the inner tiger and castrate him (legally) with a blunt and rusty saw. I don't EVER regret doing that--I hired a pitbull in heels and she eviscerated him in court.

Cat

fareast posted 12/30/2018 14:00 PM

I agree with catwoman. Itís your home. You should come and go as you please. Get a VAR and wear it to get evidence of his harassment and intimidation. The system is to protect you from this abuse. Donít be afraid to contact a domestic abuse hotline for advice if he tries to keep you out of your home. Donít be bullied but donít engage either. If he gets extreme call law enforcement. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 2:01 PM, December 30th (Sunday)]

Krieger posted 12/30/2018 14:30 PM

What he is doing is re-writing history, so as to not make him the bad guy. Somebody has to be at fault for this situation and he has decided it has to be you. Well you don't expect him to accept responsibility do you?

If you have not already do so, seek legal advise. Be careful not to share that information with your in-laws, remember he is still their son. Exercising is good, physical and mental health go hand in hand.

I don't know this man, but he don't seem real smart to me. He is letting an older woman manipulate him. She may seem great now as he is getting his freak on, but if they move in together the kids will be an issue, and she is going to be old fast. Unfortunately by then it will be too late. I would take inventory of ALL property and protect your money.

Fortunately you didn't have children as his selfishness would have come to the surface sooner or late, better to not involve children. There are many men that would love to have a family with a loving caring partner.

brokenbride8 posted 12/30/2018 18:07 PM

@Catwoman - right! He has retained an attorney & filed, but my attorney said the papers havenít been processed/received likely because of the holiday and them being a large firm. He contacted them directly so I wonít be served at work and further embarrassed. Iím wiping the tears and ready for that blunt, rusty saw!

@fareast - he is absolutely trying to bully me and in all honesty, I have no clue where such huge balls to do so came from. Everyone knew him as so sweet and kind so this ďnewĒ version of him is like the devil himself.

@Krieger - thatís EXACTLY it!!! The re-writing is so very true. We had a great marriage regardless of what he says and what has transpired over the past 3 months. Now that he is starting to expose things to his uncles, I def feel like he is painting this to be my fault. This man told me Iíve ďbeen an absolute amazing wifeĒ, yet he cheated on me, and is now extra resentful. The only thing I can think of is that I reached out to the OW (no response) which Iím sure rocked their boat and the coming & going at the house. The scariest part is he told someone he does not feel like he is being a jerk...


After last nightís tension, I havenít been back to the house yet. Iím honestly a little scared based on the way he acted yesterday and how he called himself playing hard ball. He literally told my father ďyou donít have to be here. She can always call the police if she needs toĒ. Wth...

Just to think...all this drama and the damn ink on the paperwork isnít even dry. Attorney says this could take until MAY. I donít know how I will survive that long

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 6:10 PM, December 30th (Sunday)]

fareast posted 12/30/2018 18:23 PM

You will survive and get to a much better place! Please read in the healing library. Donít engage him especially if he tries to bait you into doing something rash. What a class act! Not! He considers being incredibly cruel to his faithful wife ďhardballĒ. This guy is a joke.

You are young, successful, and have been a faithful spouse. As soon as you are rid of this loser, and when you have had time to heal, my guess is you wonít have to wait long to find a partner worthy of you. Meanwhile, I know it hurts but do the best you can to detach and heal. But donít be bullied.

Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:31 PM, December 30th (Sunday)]

Smillie posted 12/30/2018 20:16 PM

Use the threat of workplace exposure or inform his workplace. 2 year marriage,no kids etc,so it won't affect alimony. Personally I think you should create a massive stink at his workplace under the pretense that you want to save the marriage. Have you contacted her ex and told him everything? If not you should.

He sounds very petty and he is pretending to play hardball but his actions are very small minded and pathetic. Don't trade bitch-slaps with him, if you act then deliver knockout blows

[This message edited by Smillie at 9:04 PM, December 30th (Sunday)]

TooOldforDrama posted 12/31/2018 03:21 AM

A lot of states are dropping the whole Alienation of Affection thing and I don't get it. I understand it sort of takes away part of the WS's responsibility for wrecking the marriage but Betrayed Spouses deserve a pound of flesh from everyone responsible in my opinion.

Divorce court is a huge rigged money scam ran by judges and lawyers. If you haven't seen the documentary Divorce Corp...give it a watch. Might help you temporarily distract you from you problems and make you glad you didn't have kids.

I'm not sure I could stay in the house with how he is treating you and I'm also not sure how anyone (uncle, mom, ect) could support him with what he is doing.

Good job fighting for yourself tho! He will probably either have to sell the house in the end or write you a big fat check for your half. I don't think OW knows what she has gotten herself into. I hope both of them get what's coming to them.

ShutterHappy posted 12/31/2018 06:16 AM

brokenbride8,

This is very difficult because one day you are happy in a loving relationship and the next, you learn that your spouse didnít really love you after all.

Most posters here have been through the same thing. I went through the same thing. We know.

I will reiterate what a lot of smart SI posters here said: no, itís not your fault, no he didnít cheat because you forgot to bring the milk, or turn off the light. He cheated because he a broken human being.

Having said that, I find your last posts worrying. You lawyer is right that you should have access to the marital home, but is it safe?

Tell your attorney that you donít feel safe in that house and ask how to proceed.

You should have a plan and follow it. I suggest:
- cut all communication with your WH friends, they are toxic.
- stay at your mom and cut all communication with your ďhusbandĒ. I say that because I worry about your safety (unless your lawyer can get your WH kicked out of your house?). Be safe.
- just do the 180 and detach from him, heís no longer your problem. The 180 is for you to detach, not to manipulate him.
- cut ties with your WH family at least for now. You donít want to know whatís happening to him, right now, he doesnít exist. What husband? Who?
- donít expose him at work. Like your laywer said, you would have to pay him alimony. Yuck. You want revenge? Let him have his relationship with that OW and divorce him. You are the prize.
- seek support from your friends and family. Tell all your friends.
- focus on you. You need to detach and heal.

If it makes you feel better your WH new relationship wonít work. But you shouldnít care at this point. What husband?

And finally, the good news: youíll be just fine

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:23 AM, December 31st (Monday)]

twisted posted 12/31/2018 09:01 AM

Document every interaction where he attempts to prevent you from normal use of the marital domicile.

Like Catwoman said, document everything, times, dates, witnesses, events. Do this everyday. In court, it means nothing if you don;t have a record or proof of some sort.

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