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2 years married & headed for divorce

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WS is an Addict posted 1/1/2019 21:37 PM

My story is different in many ways, but I do remember being your age, newly married after an LTR, and just beginning to think about kids when shit hit the fan. We separated for awhile before ultimately reconciling, but I didn’t feel anger until three years after dday and only then with the help of a good therapist and women’s processing group. Until then, just sadness, shock, depression, hopelessness, shame, confusion, despair, etc. Anger is a good thing, but it doesn’t always come easy for everyone. For me, I realized I had been taught that anger was not very “womanly,” and I had to embrace the idea that anger was an okay and appropriate response. Anger moves us to action. Anger helps us with self-preservation.

As for dating, don’t worry about that now. You’ll need at least a year just to get your brain chemistry calmed down after the trauma, and it is a trauma. That’s why no big decisions in the first year is generally the advice. However, in your case, he is not remorseful, and so the decision is being made for you. I can’t imagine what that must feel like - on one hand, powerlessness as to the future but on the other hand, relief that it is out of your hands? All you can control is your own body, so take care of it and be gentle with yourself as you heal. Get rest. Drink water. Go for walks. Eat vegetables. There will be good days and bad days, but with time, the good will start to outnumber the bad. Just take it one day at a time. Breathe. Cry. Stare into space. If rage comes, embrace it. If not, no biggie. It’s all okay.

So sorry you’re here, but glad you found us.

ibonnie posted 1/1/2019 23:46 PM

Although...I still have this urge to expose him to my husband, but at this point he probably wouldn’t care.

You never know... my WS was living with his AP, and I saw him when he was coming to pickup our kids. I mentioned that I had plans to hang out with friends -- a couple we double dated with for years, and I knew both people for longer than I knew my WS.

This was (I think?) the second or third time he was picking up the kids, so I hadn't blocked bis number yet or made arrangements to have someone else wait for pickup/dropoff.

Anyways, he sent me a barrage of unhinged texts that night accusing me of cheating on him ( ) with our male friend.

I found out later that he got into a huge fight with his AP that night because he tried to talk to her about it and she didn't want to hear that he was jealous and worried what I was doing.

And when I went to drop off our other child to him the following day, he was furious and wouldn't even look at me.

All because I mentioned I would be hanging out with a mutual male friend. With his LTGF present. And somehow, my WS who was still legally married to me but living with another woman accused ME of cheating?

The1stWife posted 1/2/2019 06:54 AM

Gee ibonnie yiur H was a prize!!!

I guess there are different “rules” for cheaters. I assume the Betrayed spouse cannot have friends the cheating spouse is jealous of

How are things going Betrayedbride?

ibonnie posted 1/2/2019 07:33 AM

Gee ibonnie yiur H was a prize!!!

There were other mental issues at play during my WS's A. It was pretty impossible to have any sort of logical/sane discussion with him during that time period.

brokenbride8 posted 1/2/2019 11:28 AM

@ibonnie - WOW! He sounds like a real dream for that. SMH. The things that they do and how they react when they are really in the wrong to begin with is mind boggling.

@WS is an Addict - Still waiting for the anger to kick in. You perfectly described all of the emotions I feel and honestly it feels like I experience them all daily...My husband has began to remove pictures and memories from us off social media on top of trying to stake his claim in our house, so safe to say there’s no reconciling. It’s amazing to me how made up his mind is. So irrational...Trauma is exactly what this is. I do feel very powerless in all of this and it hurts.

@The1stWife - No communication from the husband other than the posit it note he left telling me he gathered all my belongings and established that I would have to sleep on the futon if I stayed there...I doubt I will be hearing from him any time soon.

This is my first day back at work from
the holiday break. Im not ready to share or have questions asked by my coworkers. I also don’t want anyone to judge me or my work because they know I’m going through a divorce. I hate it, but I am still wearing my wedding band to work. It feels so fake. The toughest part is my close work friend is pregnant with her first child (just announced it to the team), so she gushes to me all day and gives me tips for “my turn”. Naturally we had been talking about it before all of this happened, so she has no clue my world just got turned upside down. I don’t want to say anything bc I don’t want to rain on her parade or kill her joy by making her feel like she can’t talk about it

The1stWife posted 1/2/2019 11:54 AM

Betrayedbride

Your H is behaving like a classic cheater. Remove photos and rewrite the marital history. Wow!!!!! Also the post it note is only something a coward does.

I’m sorry for you. I went through the same thing. Only difference was every time my H blamed me for his unhappiness I shot him down. Didn’t have any impact though.

Unfortunately your H now views you as weak and he thinks he is going to bulldoze his way out of your marriage. Get a shark of an attorney and don’t make it easy on him.

If one cent of money for the home came from you then he cannot force you out if your name is in the deed.

brokenbride8 posted 1/2/2019 20:10 PM

Today was a very tough day...It's official. A court case number has been established and my attorney contacted me to tell me he filed an appearance. I knew this was coming, but it most certainly knocked the wind out of me today. I was doing ok (first day back at work), then this hit me like a ton of bricks.

I know this sounds so stupid to say given where I am, but I just can't believe this is happening to me. I should be angry because of all the shitty things my husband has done to me over the past couple of months, but I feel mostly sad and desperate to figure out what's next.

It's 2019 and I should be using the new year to fuel my goals, dreams, etc. and just have something to look forward to, but it's so hard.

The1stWife posted 1/2/2019 22:17 PM

Brokenbride

I am so sorry for you. We all understand your pain.

I hope you have a good counselor to support you through this difficult time. And that you have a good support team right now.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/2/2019 23:24 PM

Sorry, Brokenbride8. I know your world is shattered right now but in time the light will shine through again.

We are here supporting you.

sassylee posted 1/3/2019 13:13 PM

Brokenbride - you’re experiencing cognitive dissonance. The difference between the man you thought you were married to and the man you see now is so huge, your mind is struggling to understand your reality - then and now. It’s a shock and while many of us experienced this after dday (the cognitive dissonance), yours seems that much more difficult to reconcile because of the sheer cruelty he’s demonstrating. I had to deal with the faithful man preA vs the cheater - but he was sad, scared, regretful...He was treating me kindly. But your WH is just being such an incredible ass. He’s not even pretending to be sorry...I’m actually worried for you. This disparity is such a switch.

Keep yourself safe at all costs. Continue to bring your support system with you when you must return to the house. I too believe you’ll be entitled to some part of the marital home’s equity. I hope your lawyer is a shark and will help deliver a bit of karma in the divorce proceedings.

A couple of things about work. If your work performance is suffering, consider telling your immediate supervisor, if you have a good relationship with them. Also look into EAP programs and/or stress leave if that’s something you have available to you. Also, my Dr prescribed some Ativan for panic attacks and sleep. It stopped my body from reacting to the thoughts. I was still able to think about the betrayal but stay on an even keel. I used it mostly at night before bed when my racing brain wouldn’t let me sleep, but it came in handy while working as well.

You so don’t deserve this treatment...I hope your WS gets everything coming to him. Stay strong. (((Brokenbride)))

brokenbride8 posted 1/3/2019 14:20 PM

@The1stWife – Thank you...I just reached out to my therapist today to try to get another session on the books. I feel so damn needy right now and I hate it. I feel like I’m starting to call/text my family and friends who know about it too much just to rehash the same story, disbelief, things he said, etc.

@Hurtmyheart – I honestly wouldn’t wish this level of grief and brokenness on my worst enemy. I really appreciate all the support I can get.

@sassylee – I truly am having a hard time reconciling this all. The 180 on top of the suddenness of it all is making me feel crazy. My husband was so nice and kind to everyone, literally everyone. When I first told the story and things he’s said to my friends/family no one could believe it. Even his own family was like “omg he said THAT?!” No one knows who he is now. We’ve only be married 2 years and in Illinois the other 10 years of dating doesn’t matter unfortunately. I too pray that my lawyer can help on the karma part for me too… The sucky part is I don’t feel close enough to my boss to tell her and fear begin judged. I actually work on a team of all women and I kid you not, every single one of them is married/married w/kids or engaged. That in itself makes it challenging.

I know I shouldn’t be reminiscing, but I just don’t understand. This man literally had me on a pedestal. Writing on social media for anniversaries, birthday’s, etc. proclaiming how blessed he is to have me in his life for forever and looks forward to all of the years/memories to come. This was just in August… He had a really good relationship with my dad as he is not close to his. It was to the point where they would do things without me! His mother and my mother would also hang and do things together. He threw me a surprise 30th birthday party in January last year, now I won’t even hear from him on my birthday on Tuesday…

We’ve been on joint family cruises together, traveled to Europe and had a 1-year wedding anniversary photoshoot in Paris!! We went to Italy in 2017 and saw the Pope up close by chance. People always said we were their “favorite couple”. And it wasn’t all for show. We rarely argued and had a solid friendship. My niece and nephew loved him so much and always Facetimed him/us. It was heartbreaking when my niece had her Christmas pageant and she said to my sister “I’m sad (husband’s name) won’t be here”. He was around before they were even born (now 8 & 10). I should've noticed when he stopped checking in on them...he was getting his "fix" from playing with the OW's children (a bit younger thinking 6-7).

All of the pictures, funny stories, memories are what I thought we’d show our children one day. He’s been there when I lost all of my grandparents and event my aunt suddenly. We kissed and said our “I love you’s” every single day. We even had our weekly routine down where we would alternate cooking to save money. Friend double dates, strategizing to pay off our debt and save together, etc. etc. all down the drain. I can't lie, my life revolved around my husband. Sure I had friends and would do things with them or family, but he was my everything. Many of my goals, dreams involved him to some capacity.

It was like our relationship was truly blessed and unique so I nor anyone else can fathom why in the heck you would purposely ruin it to get out. It’s almost like it was “too perfect” for him.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/3/2019 15:01 PM

I agree with Sassylee! Your WH's behavior is shockingly brutal!!!

I am going to tell you my situation was brutal also. My WH turned into someone I didn't recognize either. And his drinking was over the top!

In my darkest hours around six and a half years ago, my husband started by allowing a women continue to message him for around 7 months. In that time, my mom passed and I was in charge of the trust. So, I was not only dealing with several of my brothers and sisters behavior but my husbands cruel behavior.

Something in my husband changed and I couldn't stand being around him, so I asked him to leave. Turns out that he was having an emotional affair with a COW and had sex with another COW. On top of that, he was constantly staring at and flirting with other women. I didn't know the person I called the love of my life anymore. Crazy making for sure.

This went on for several months and finally he wanted a divorce and like you, I was in total shock. He said it was me going out on him and blamed me for our issues. I never in my life cheated on him.

I had a heavy burden of working my mom's trust out, selling her house, going through a divorce, cleaning out my home. I was in complete shock and the panic attacks were unbelievably one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. In this time, I also lost two of my brothers to alcoholism and my dog died from cancer and my son moved out.

I don't know how but we did get through this and my husband is a changed man and has been sober for over three years. But the quiting drinking didn't stop the madness, it took a couple more years of hard work on my husbands part and I also had to do my work.

My husband still cries often at how poorly he treated me, esp when I still go into trama mode and relive his brutality.

Brokenbride, you can get through this! It's one day at a time. It's going to take time to move forward and begin to feel better and maybe sooner than you think!

Keep yourself surrounded by those who love you, try to take care of yourself. I didn't have this site to lean on in my darkness and I certainly felt alone.

I lost my appetite completely and I found the protein drinks because I wasn't eating and lost a lot of weight. I also took a lot of walks and went to the gym. I even began to feel better. I was so bad off for awhile that people were beginning to comment on how thin I was.

Today, I am a very strong person and refuse to live in lies or mistreatment anymore. I was and am done with abuse. Your husband is being extremely abusive to you. Who needs that?? He is not as great as he thinks he is, in the moment. My husband also promoted in his job. Talk about ego trip.

Brokenbride, you are so much better off without him. You don't need his abusive treatment. In time, your life will become bright again and you will find your happiness again. Promise! You are so young! Way better days are ahead of you! Hang in there!

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 4:48 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

beauchateaux posted 1/3/2019 15:17 PM

My stomach is in a knot for you right now - I'm so sorry. This shouldn't have happened to you, and it's NOT your fault that it did. I know we keep saying that, but it's because we really, truly want you to absorb it and believe it.

The truth is, you won't be able to force it to make sense in your head because it just doesn't. Everything you're describing about the life you two had sounds absolutely lovely, and he has either reframed it or else is willfully ignoring it in order to allow him to carry on with this personality crisis.

I truly do believe it sounds like he snapped under the threat of looming adult responsibility (first your marriage, then kids talk) and it sent him into some kind of mental health crisis, and he's handling it in the worst way possible. The suddenness strikes me, too, and the fact that all the other people in his life are equally stunned.

Whatever happened - it's not your job to fix it, nor could you if you tried. I don't know what the future will bring for him or you - he may wake up tomorrow in a cold sweat, horrified at the mess he's made of his life, or he may never snap out of it and will remain this new, callous and cruel version of himself forever. The point is, at this moment, he is unreachable to you and as hard as that is to accept, you must accept it for your own health and sanity.

Your job is to take care of you now.

I have to tell you that, as hollow as it may feel to hear right now, you sound like a wonderful person. Warm, caring, fun, spontaneous, loving - and you're young. You probably don't feel it right now, but you've got your life ahead of you and not behind you. If there's one thing I've learned while being forced to eat my own shit sandwiches, it's that a life can change completely in the space of a single year - or less. And that goes both ways - it can completely fall apart (as you are feeling now), but it can also transform into something new and unexpected and beautiful.

If this truly is the end, then he is the one who has lost something here. And it's something that, no matter what the future brings, he can never get back. This is the bitter pill that even remorseful WSes who have reconciled with their BSes must swallow. One day, one way or another, he'll have to taste his medicine.

But again - not your circus, not your monkeys. Not anymore. He doesn't get to have you at his side anymore, and damned if that isn't HIS tragedy even more than it is yours. Even if he doesn't yet realize it.

You'll make it through this, and you WILL be happy again. You can't fathom it now, but one day, you will.

I'll light a candle in my mind's eye for you, and I wish you every bit of good karma the world has to offer.

Cooley2here posted 1/3/2019 16:28 PM

I wish I believed that he snapped. I think this has always been him. He love bombed you. A huge red flag. This is what people like him do. Love bomb, devalue, discard. People like him use people because you are a thing to him. He does not value other people. When you talked about having children he was looking at being responsible for another person for 18 years. He does not have the ability to love deeply enough to be a parent.
I think in another few years you will be so thankful you did not get pregnant. You will someone else worthy of your love.

brokenbride8 posted 1/3/2019 17:19 PM

@Hurtmyheart - Yea I don’t know what’s worst. What he has done or how he has decided to treat me in the midst of it all. You would think I’m the one who had the affair!!! I am so very sorry that you had to endure all of those traumatic events around the same time. Have mercy...bless your heart... I don’t know how you got through all of that and still are kind of enough to give me some encouraging words. Everyone says I’m young, but it’s so terrifying to start over. I feel like I’m now behind in life. Worst part is he told a friend that he really does not see or feel he is being an asshole to me. That’s the shocking and crazy part....HOW is that even possible!? Who is this man :(

He won’t admit it, but my husband has a big head sometimes...I feel like I helped get him to where he is today (prepping for interviews, reviewing/writing his resume, etc.). He does not have a college degree but has now surpassed me in title and pay. When I got promoted he jokingly made comments about how he can’t let me make more than him. When he got promoted in October he texted me all excited and had already increased his contributions to our joint savings, said he was going to buy me something too and we could go to dinner to celebrate both of us (which we did).

@Cooley2here - Someone else said that as well...that he has always has this deep inside.

I hate to come up with excuses, but I often wonder now if the red flag was his upbringing. He does not have the typical close mother/son relationship and grew up closer to his grandmother. When his mother asked about what was going on he flipped on her and said he feels like she treats him more like a brother than a son. Just like that...out of the blue and bluntly off top. He dodged her questioning about it and said he thinks it’s unfair of her to be talking to me while going through a divorce and literally asks her is she loves ME more than him!!!! I can’t make this stuff up. He also has like 7 uncles and honestly non of them are worth a damn when it comes to support or mentorship. His dad wasn’t around growing up as his relationship with his mother was short lived. He also accused his mother of being the OW (he has half siblings) in the middle of her trying to find out what was going on with him and this older woman. Then he called his grandma crying to her and complaining that his mother doesn’t “support”. I’ve talked to her and she expresses point blank that she loves him and supports him, she just not support infidelity period. He lost it. The only person he has “let in” is one uncle who has been divorced before. Even he said that he feels my husband is going through something but it’s his choice.

He was honestly a lot closer to my family. They loved him and accepted him in. For his birthday, no one in his family even got him a birthday card. We stop by my parents house and they bought him a cake, wine and my niece and nephew made him cards. He nearly cried.

Yet, all of this still happened.

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 5:28 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

brokenbride8 posted 1/3/2019 17:27 PM

@ beauchateaux - don’t worry, as crazy as it sounds I feel like I still need the reminder. Sometimes when I’m alone with my thoughts I start to dig and wonder if I had of did this, or had of done more of that if it would’ve changed things. Stupid I know :( We have so many good moments and memories. More good in our 12 years than bad and that’s tough to say when being with someone so long. I just don’t understand HOW he could block them out and ignore any triggers (songs, restaurants, FB memories, etc). I dedicated so much of myself to taking care of him and making sure our relationship was good that I’m struggling to navigate being alone and what taking care of myself truly means besides eating and sleeping. I knew things could drastically change in a year (based on deaths and illnesses in my family), but never ever ever ever imagined this. My dad has literally said “he fooled us all” and he is one of those tough, hard to please men.

Also, my husband has never lost anyone (literally no deaths in his family). I sometimes wonder if him not experiencing that level of grief makes it easier for him to be so cold...when my grandma had a stroke when I was in college, I would come home on the weekends and help my mother take care of her and feed her through a tube in her stomach. In a lot of ways I feel life has matured me faster than him

Hurtmyheart posted 1/3/2019 18:52 PM

Brokenbride, I have a lot of hope for you and your future! You and your WH were together since 20, I gather? Someone posted recently that your WH wants to be free, I am beginning to think the same. But he didn't take care of his business in a mature way. Very immature and hurtful.

People change quickly in the younger years and with his new management position and his inflated ego, he feels on top of his game and his world. Don't worry about it though, eventually his world will come crashing down. And think about it, he started a new relationship based around infidility.

My bigger concern is how you are handling it. It's important you make yourself stronger and stand up to this poor excuse of a pussy called a man. See him for who he is today. Take control and quit allowing him to push you around. Stand your ground. Start taking care of yourself. Go to the gym, try to eat healthy, dress nicely for work, go out with a girlfriend and get your hair done, seek individual counseling. Read SI. There is another poster's story that is very similar to your situation.

You can and will get through this and your life is going to blossom. Promise! But you need to wrap up this part of your life first.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 12:29 AM, January 4th (Friday)]

ShutterHappy posted 1/3/2019 19:02 PM

brokenbride8,

My story happened a long time ago and the main reason I joined SI is to tell other BS that it gets better.

It WILL get better for you. You will find somebody more deserving and have children

So when is your next trip to Europe again?

brokenbride8 posted 1/3/2019 20:32 PM

@Hurtmyheart - We’ve been together 12 years as of Oct (8 dating 2 engaged 2 married). I agree... I guess I don’t know what it is about marriage that all of a sudden made me feel so trapped. Our relationship had not changed except for the better (living together 5 years). It’s like he’s never really been presented with the opportunity to cheat and now he just wants to back track and sow his oats. It’s crazy to me that I reached out to her (email) and she only pretended to care so he would beg her back and to hang in there. I know I can’t trust his “friend” wholeheartedly, but he told me he thinks he is “following his heart” and thinks the divorce will solidify things for her. I was under his gym membership (he removed me of course), but I am thinking of getting my own. Tried making a “self improvement” list (minor stuff like whiten teeth, gym, drink more water). Now I just need the will & motivation to do it. It’s embarrassing facing the world and saying your relationship failed. I feel the urge to tell everyone the real story bc I just know he won’t!

@ShutterHappy - thank you <3 I thought about maybe planning my first solo trip for when all of this is over/final. But I realized part of the enjoyment I got out of planning the trips was finding fun activities and cool restaurants that both of us would enjoy. We truly had fun together which makes it harder to accept. Think of it like the equivalent of someone buying flowers for someone and being excited to give them to them & for them to enjoy them.

Ugh! I clearly was lost in the sauce with my husband.

The1stWife posted 1/3/2019 20:40 PM

Brokenbride

It’s interesting that most often the Betrayed spouse is the one trying to figure out “why” the A or Divorce happened. The cheaters don’t really care except to come up with some lame excuses that point the finger to the betrayed spouse.

I honestly believe my H had an affair b/c he was so mad at me for something that he did - and he knew he was wrong. I spoke to him one time about it. No yelling. Calm rational discussion.

Funny how three weeks later he meets the OW and in less than 2 months they are having an EA.

And not long after that he is planning to D me. Everything is my fault. I can literally feel his anger at me from across the room.

To this day I believe his anger at me “propelled” him into the A. He denies it 100%. He says one has nothing to do with the other.

Then I guess he started acting like a jerk towards me before the A and then it just continued.

The point is I read your post that you tried to figure out what happened and when. Me too. And so do most loving caring spouses. We try to figure out what happened because we live our H or W and we care.

Unfortunately the cheater deeply resents it. It is viewed as either controlling behavior or being weak. SMH

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:41 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

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