SurvivingInfidelity.com® > New Beginnings

CurseBreaker posted 1/29/2019 11:30 AM

Seriously, how have y’all dealt with crushes during the rebound period? I’m separated, D in progress, and I’m finding myself attracted to men again. I’m even mildly crushing on some, and I don’t want to! Why... I know it’s wayyyy to early for me to date (don’t want to fall into old patterns), and since I’m still technically married I can’t allow myself to act. It’s driving me batty, as this internal battle between desire and logic plays out in the back of my mind. I’m praying for clarity and logic to prevail, but it’s not easy...

So, I really need some distraction techniques to keep my head on straight. I want to be secure and content in my singleness (& legally divorced) before I embark on dating again. What helped y’all refocus? How did you cope with being single while your friends and family were coupled up? Help!

[This message edited by CurseBreaker at 2:00 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

HappyTree posted 1/29/2019 12:23 PM

I am no help here. I had a friends with benefits before my divorce went totally through.

So, while I am giving very unpopular advice, I would just say to keep things casual. I've had a few casual relationships at this point. Whats good about it is that I have someone to talk to but I'm keeping a safe distance and not getting attached to anyone right now.

deena04 posted 1/29/2019 16:16 PM

Sometimes after the dust settles and you are on the way to divorce, you start to realize that men can be excessively attractive again. Hormones can just go on fire. It is OK. Figure out what works for you and when you are ready.

Phoenix1 posted 1/29/2019 17:01 PM

I was honestly so busy with the D process itself, completely redecorating my house, dealing with usual house maintenance/seasonal issues, and up to my armpits in teenage kid issues/activities that I didn't have time to even *think* of the opposite sex! Heavy distraction doing other things works wonders! But then, I was very much in the camp that it wasn't an option until the D was final so I never let the thought take hold and blossom.

After the D was final I took myself on a Vegas weekend getaway to celebrate and feasted on the eye candy in the Thunder from Down Under show! I was divorced, not dead!

babayaga posted 1/30/2019 16:22 PM

It’s good you recognize the crushes for what they are - rebound crushes. You can daydream or fantasize a bit, then cheucklenat yourself and move on to the next thing you need to do.

GraceLove posted 1/30/2019 20:47 PM

Throughout my D I basically was clinging on for dear life. I had little energy to do much else except deal with the PS and D. Then as the year dragged on, I went away for awhile to regroup. When I got back (and the D and PS were coming to an end) I couldn't WAIT to date. The hormones went crazy. It was all I could think about. I made a decision to not date (super challenging to stick to) and to wait until the D was done.
In the 2 months after D I am not as interested because I have a lot of other distractions and goals. I also have alot of healing to do. I don't online date: just can't do it. Lots of fear around it and it's not my cup of tea. I am being patient about it all.
I waffle between fear and desire. I'm trying not to put too much emphasis on dating and keep things in balance (not my forte).
I hope my patience pays off. There are days and moments that all I can think of is how amazing it would be to meet someone deserving. Then I play it out in my head (the reality of a relationship) and decide, I'd rather wait cause it may cost me way too much, on all levels.

barcher144 posted 1/31/2019 09:51 AM

I'll give my weird perspective. Just my opinion, remember. You are free to form your own opinion. Above all else...

Given that they are crushes and not legitimate affection/feelings...

1. I see nothing wrong with going out on dates with guys, even if you are not legally divorced yet. Be honest about your situation.

2. I see nothing wrong with having sex with the guys that you date, even one night stands. You should be careful with respect to STDs and pregnancy though. You're an adult: be responsible.

3. I would limit the number of times that you see any one person. Enjoy the crushes... but don't confuse a crush with genuine feelings.

If you are truly uncomfortable with dating anyone... there's always B.O.B.

cancuncrushed posted 1/31/2019 11:17 AM

Im dealing with the same...I never thought I would ever date....Then I met handsome...

I did nothing....but I cant stop thinking about him...I will never have the chance to act on it...it showed me I am still alive...

Im not a casual dater...I never have been...I have to be attracted to you , to even have dinner...or I don't go...its trouble..

Im not ready...I still believe I will never date...its painful for me..too many people, aren't nice people...Just don't need more of the same...

I do struggle...I do think about it.. STXWH has been dating our entire marriage...I cant seem to be like that..

I keep thinking things will change...it will be better...I remember feeling this same way at 25... don't really like dating ...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:19 AM, January 31st (Thursday)]

CatsEye posted 2/1/2019 01:00 AM

Haven't had any rebound crushes yet. Maybe it's my age, but I didn't even want to think about dating while going through my divorce. Today I gave it a thought and decided, "Nah! I just don't wanna." I don't know if I will ever want to date again.

I would say be very cautious.

I would also echo what barcher144 said. It is essential that you be honest and aboveboard about your situation BEFORE the date. Don't go on a date with a guy who might be looking for someone with whom he can have a family and build a life, only to learn that you're still married and only interested in casual sex/dating.

The only other thing I want to comment on is the idea of coping with being single while your friends and family are coupled up. Who cares? Why do you feel a need to be in a couple just because other people are? You can have a beautiful, fun, meaningful life without a boyfriend or husband. You shouldn't be wanting a boyfriend or husband until you find someone who is worth giving up singlehood for.

CurseBreaker posted 2/2/2019 08:43 AM

Thanks for the responses y’all. I’m going to clarify a bit more, because I realize my OP was pretty vague on some points.

My dilemma with the being around couples is more about being excluded from things b/c I’m not coupled up, or being made to feel like the black sheep or being pitied b/c I’m the only one flying solo at a gathering. Dealing with the stereotypical “she’ll steal your man” or “poor wittle woman” attitudes towards a divorcée. Obviously people won’t come out and say this... so how do you handle the subconscious feelings that lead to these exclusions or pity.

As for dating, I’m ok with developing friendships, but NO causal dating/sex. I am very much a “monogamous relationship first, then sex” person. I know that’s not a popular attitude today, but I need to protect my heart. Its the want and desire that I’ll never pursue that I need distraction techniques for. I’m D-ing my XH, and there is zero chance for R, but getting involved with someone so soon is the worst option for me. I know myself, it will lead to a rebound relationship, and probably another XH in a few years. (That’s how I met XH, right after leaving LTBF- took the commitment plunge too soon).

Really, I’m bored. I need a social outlet, and I live in a relatively small suburb, with no singles groups or ministry. So, what venues, events have y’all gone to to increase your circle of friends or activities?

[This message edited by CurseBreaker at 9:02 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)]

CatsEye posted 2/2/2019 11:01 AM

If your friends exclude you or make you feel bad because you're not in a couple, then it might be time to make new friends. Are you sure you aren't projecting your own insecurities on them? Have you tried talking to them about this, one-on-one? It's possible that they excluded you in the mistaken belief that it would be too painful for you to be in a group of couples - which wouldn't be that unreasonable because I've read people talk about that very thing on this site.

Look for groups or clubs that have to do with something that interests you. What I don't like about singles groups is that the entire focus is on something the group sees as a negative.

I would pick a group or club for a hobby or activity that you like. If you like sports, see if there is a team you can join or look for a tennis or golf partner or join a women's bowling league. Join a book club. Join a hiking group. If you can't find a group or club for your favorite hobby or activity, try to start one yourself. If all else fails, work on your hobby alone and use the Internet to find people who share your hobby and connect online.

Consider charity work. Even if the divorce has left you broke, if you're bored and looking for distractions, you can give your time. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Volunteer at an old folks home. Join a meals with wheels program. Check with your church to see where you can help the most.

Do your relatives have annual family reunions? If so, maybe you should get involved with planning and hosting. If not, consider starting one. Or get involved with planning school reunions.

I would think that the best way to become secure and content in singleness is to learn to enjoy doing things as a single woman. The busier you are, the less time you will have to fret about not dating. The happier you are as a single woman, the less you will care what anyone else thinks, and the less likely they are to pity you or worry about you chasing their men.

Best of luck.

[This message edited by CatsEye at 11:03 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)]

CatsEye posted 2/2/2019 11:29 AM

Something else to consider is seeing what inexpensive classes are available. Don't forget to check with the nearest universities.

Look for a self-defense class. Look for DIY or home repair classes. Maybe a class on specialty cooking. Whatever sparks your interest or would be of benefit in rebuilding your life.

honesttoafault posted 2/2/2019 17:15 PM

It's good that you are recognizing these feelings as crushes. It's better that you heal first before you date, as you said, a rebound romance, which, like you I had with stbxWH#2 can be disastrous.

There are a lot of meetup groups online that you could check out. These are NOT singles groups (although they have them), but more for people with similar interests to get together. If you like painting, dogs, going for walks, cooking, going to museums, etc etc, there's a group for that. You can meet new PEOPLE, men and women who share the things you are interested in. Your local library may also have groups like a book club, game night, trips, etc that you could check out.

I know it's hard while friends and family are coupled up, but I'm sure that you could suggest a time with just the girls, whether it's game night, etc.

In time, you'll know when you are ready to date again.

tiredofcrying59 posted 2/8/2019 19:12 PM

I totally agree with Barcher. It's a rebound, you know it is, you already said it.

I also don't see why you're waiting for your D to be final if you know you're not going to reconcile. HE certainly didn't wait.

I had a FWB 2 months after H moved out. And it helped me move on. Granted, this doesn't work for everyone, but it helped me realize I didn't HAVE to be alone, I had plenty of options. That realization alone was helpful to me. Just be safe.