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Long Term Affairs Part 39

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Chaos posted 4/30/2019 14:21 PM

Rosie Rotten Crotch

Marz you crack me up.

That could be a fabulous thread. Unique nicknames we gave the LTAPs

Tallgirl posted 4/30/2019 17:29 PM

I like Rosie Rotten Crotch, but I also have get that sense of "the name fits" from whore bitch.

Both have a nice ring.

Marz posted 4/30/2019 23:05 PM

Hmmmm. Got it !!!!!

whore bitch with the rosie rotten crotch. (No caps) she's not that important (dime a dozen)

We'll need to work on your imagination somewhat.

You just aren't up to par yet.

Just as an adder you could put a warning out

"Loose Lips Sink Ships"

[This message edited by Marz at 11:07 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

hardtomove posted 5/5/2019 15:44 PM

I am a recipient of a LTA of 10 years. I think we don't want to believe it is happening. I would ask my WH if he was cheating and he would respond I am a man and I would tell you. In therapy his excuse was when I asked him about it at those times they weren't seeing each other. What a bastard. Od course I told him I guess he was never a real man after all. I have been pretty rough because I have wanted him to feel my pain. I have finally realized that is just not possible. No matter what I inflict on him it will never amount to the effect his LTA has had on me. I am trying to stop making him pay for it.

PurpleHaze posted 5/5/2019 17:00 PM

CaliforniaNative thanks for your words. I haven't posted here in a long time. My H had an affair with ex gf/body buddy for at least 18 years out of a 23 year marriage. I know their phone contact was sooner. The pain and devastation is immense. My first H was a cheater and after I divorced I was happy on my own. It was a struggle, but I got through it, found a lovely house in the country and was happy. My H was a blind date and I now realized he love bombed me. He soon moved me accross the state where I knew no one. I had two teenage boys and a new baby and he was sent back to the coast and started an affair. I felt the distance, the anger, the pain but denied it because I didn't want to feel that much pain again. I eventually just put myself into my children although every chance I had went out of town with him, he had a travel trailer. That is where they first started having sex. When I found the first text from her it was July 2017. I was dumb enough to tell him I was going to download a program to find other texts. All I found was one from the night before "I am here for your nibbling pleasure, if you get back into town, I will be up late, took my vitamins. XOXO Right then I knew he was lying as the first text was inviting him to her hotel room. After weeks of bull, I lied to him for the first time in my life and told him my dad hired a PI, I was to meet with him the following day. He finally grabbed my hand, had me sit down and told me he had an affair with her for years. Of course he lied about the time frame. I eventually found out they communicated via texts, sexts and messages years before he told me and the first time they had sex was about 1-2 years before he told me. I had to play detective and hated myself for that, I will never do that again as I think it breaks our soul. I am still here but will never be the same. I will never love him as I once did and am trying to figure out if I can love him at all. He does go to IC as well as MC which I never thought he would do. At times he treats me like a princess, at others he is defensive and gaslights like he did for years. There are no easy answers with and LTA. I have no advice for others here, I feel the pain of an LTA is immeasurable. I have been changed profoundly but in a good way. I trust my gut and always will from now on. If someone lies to me, I will call them out. I no longer tolerate people who treated me like I was less then. I have learned a lot. I know the pain of an LTA and to me at least it is beyond measure. I wish us all the best and most of all, healing. Hugs to everyone here. The pain is intense, the questions never end and the trust is so hard to regain.

Tallgirl posted 5/6/2019 17:03 PM

Hardtomove, I get wanting to hurt your WH. They crushed our souls, hope and future. And man, am I angry. You too I see.

What is your story?

I find I vacillate between the desire for destruction and the desire to move on and find peace.

Admittedly I am starting to feel the effects of the stress since DDay 1which was a year ago today. So, for me I know I have to move through the anger and hurt and find some sort of peace.

I am currently Day 2 of a trial separation. Not feeling the peace but the quiet is here for sure.

Big hug

Tallgirl posted 5/6/2019 17:14 PM

Hugs purplehaze

You sound like you are well on your way to healing. I am sorry your WH is so inconsistent. You deserve way more.

What is your plan? To keep in R or to D? Or are you in Limbo.

18 years is a long LTA. My WH had a five year LTA with 5 years online cheating and visiting a massage parlour. So 10 years of getting sex and love from NOT his wife.

I am working on healing. DDay 1 was a year ago today. So today I have wine. It’ll numb a bit and I can celebrate that I survived so far.

And it is Day 2 of our trial separation. I guess I can celebrate that too.

I am starting a program called Heart Math. Helps to manage stress. It may be garbage but if it works I will sing it’s praises.

I wish you the best. Big hug and cheers to the strong woman you are.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:30 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

Beachwalker posted 5/11/2019 14:23 PM

NorthernMSB: I just read some of your posts and can directly relate to how you feel and what you are going through. I discovered my wife of 30 years had an A with one guy which lasted 21 years. She had other relationships, too, which lasted for over a year. One went on for at least 11 years, and this is concurrent with the other boyfriends.

As far as him not having sex with the OW, I would also call him a liar. Regardless, he should not have been in that woman’s bed, he shouldn’t have been in her home, and he shouldn’t have gone to see her. The same goes for the other woman. He shouldn’t have his hands on her hips, they shouldn’t be making out, shouldn’t be communicating at all! ALL of these things are out of bounds once you marry, and he knows that. Since he cheated on his EX and now you, I believe he has a serious problem and needs to see an IC. Until he does that, he will not change. So, let’s focus on you!

I would recommend you, as well, see an IC, if you aren’t already. You have been through a traumatic event and I can tell you this will not go away any time soon. Let him seek the help he needs or maybe you could suggest that you two go together for MC. If so, find a counselor who is trained in sex addiction. If your husband has been with at least 2 women that you know of (despite his testimony to the contrary, I don’t believe him about the no sex), he probably has been with more.

My counselor right away told me to have myself and my wife checked for STI’s and HIV, plus withhold from intercourse until the results are back. He’s not going to like it, but you need to look out for yourself. He certainly looked out for himself with no regard for your safety or health – extremely selfish.

Once a week do something just for you. Maybe one week get a manicure, the next have coffee with a friend, whatever you like to do. I have decided to put my golf clubs in the back of the car and stop at the driving range once in a while.

You are going on a long road, whether it leads to R or D is irrelevant. You will need to keep your mental health in good shape while you tackle all the emotions and side effects of what you have been handed.

I’m sorry you’re in this club, but know you’re not alone!

gmc94 posted 5/12/2019 01:11 AM

Anyone know of any WS in LTAs of 5+ year’s that Post on SI?

I can’t think of any, ut maybe one of you can....

Thanksgiving2016 posted 5/12/2019 18:31 PM

Me. Sorry no my husband had a long term affair. He won’t post either. Weird I never thought about you the fact none do. Seems like a red flag.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 6:34 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

Hurt7178 posted 5/13/2019 15:27 PM

I haven't posted much, but I read here a lot. I need to reach out because I don't know what to do anymore. As a background: My husband and I have been together since age 15. We had such a wonderful marriage for the first 28 years until I went through bad issues and he felt neglected.
An old friend of ours emailed him at this vulnerable time and it turned into a 9 year affair with her. She has had a crush on him since we were teenagers. He was 50 when he began the affair and stopped it when I found out accidentally on 8/1/17. At first I thought it was just phone calls for 1 year, then on 11/15/17, I found out it was sex, then a week later found out it was sex multiple times. As she lives 500 miles away, it was mostly phone calls, emails, and texts, but she came in town to see him three-to-four days a year when they had all-day sex. The day I found out, my husband stopped the affair immediately and even said he was relieved because she was starting to "subtly" press him to leave me and marry HER. He was a cake eater, never planning to leave me. But he "thought" he loved her (what's the difference if he now says he wasn't love--at the time he thought it WAS). So, it was a nine year EA/PA. My problem is that I am STUCK. It is coming up on two years and I think about it ALL THE TIME. My husband is remorseful and doing everything to prove he is "not that person anymore." I really couldn't ask for much better. So WHY am I STILL in SO MUCH PAIN????? I loved him unconditionally and, truth be told, we fell back together three days after I found out. He says he had been so blind, that everything he ever wanted or needed was right there with me. So, WHY oh WHY am I such a basketcase? I still can't believe he did this. I've known him forever!!! We raised a wonderful son together (we even called our family the Three Muskateers--because we were so close). I blame myself for the affair because I pushed him away for so long due to personal issues. I am in IC. It obviously isn't working. My husband says I have improved, but I don't see it. I was a basket case on Mother's Day because he called his AP EVERY DAY FOR NINE YEARS including ALL holidays. I apologize for my rambling here. I desperately need help. Can anyone tell me that any of this is normal or am I doomed to this devastation forever?

northeasternarea posted 5/13/2019 15:53 PM

I blame myself for the affair because I pushed him away for so long due to personal issues.

Stop it. You are not to blame. What has your husband done to figure out his whys? Do you think your IC is helping you? If not, perhaps you should consider a change.

Svon posted 5/13/2019 18:13 PM

I have a similar story only affair partner lived in the same town so he saw her often. I am 11 months out and although it still hurts, I am doing much better. It helps me to realize that I had nothing to do with it and it’s HIS problem. I loved and lived honorably and plan to continue to do so. As long as husband stays committed to change and worthy of remaining in my life, I have no incentive to leave. Perhaps your hurdle is the fact that you blame yourself when you did nothing wrong. And I believe your husband did not not love her. Why the hell would he have stayed with you if he wanted her? And if he had loved her, dropping her would not have been so easy. No way it was love. He was just a cake eater. Loved the extra attention.

gmc94 posted 5/13/2019 20:49 PM

Hurt - I'm sorry this happened.

My story is on my profile, but 15yr EA then 10yr PA - also old girlfriend who lived out of town. This week is 16 months from dday (his girlfriend contacted me, but I was already on the verge of figuring it out- long story for another time).

I can only say what helped me get through a lot is just plain old finding joy. When I finally switched from infidelity books to finding my own resilience, things got better. Realizing that I didn't have to be joined at the hips with my WH and his bullsh*t.

Books that helped were:
Brene Brown - just about anything. I went Daring Greatly, then Rising Strong, then Gifts of Imperfection.
Rick Hanson's Resilience. You can google his HEAL steps and find joy today :)
Bessell Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score (long - but helps understand the trauma)
Melodie Beatty's Codependence No More and the New Codependence (I view CoD as a spectrum, some farther than others, but the books are also just a good guideline on how to detach and think of yourself instead of your WH and the M).

Good luck to you.


AND - back to my post from a few days ago:

ANYONE know of any WS that had an LTA who post on SI?

And Thanksgiving, I agree - it's a big red flag that they can't open up and be vulnerable - even on a website of strangers.
sigh.


Beachwalker posted 5/14/2019 15:54 PM

HURT: I understand where you are and you seem to be on the exact same path as I am on, just a few steps back. I am sorry you have had this thrust upon you, but am glad you found us here.

As others have said, NONE of this is your fault. Your husband could have chosen a better means to deal with the “lull” in your marriage. Instead, he chose the worst option available. This was 100% his decision and is 100% his fault. NOTHING you did or didn’t do gave him permission to violate the trust between you and hurt you this badly.

I, like you, am the BS in our relationship and the first IC I went to helped me a great deal. Eventually, I reached a point where he could no longer help me, so I looked around for another IC. I called Focus on the Family and talked with one of their counselors. He gave me 1 ½ hours of his time at no charge. I’m not saying they will give you the same amount of time, but they can guide you to someone in your area who can help. They certainly did me. Perhaps if you ask your husband to go with you to see the new counselor, he might say “yes”. My wife did. Now, she sees her own IC to deal with the issues of why she did what she did. So you may want to find a counselor who deals with WS’s.

Kevin Jackson put out a series of e-books which helped me a lot, but they are geared toward men. It did help me understand all the pain I was going through and all the pain yet to come (sorry to give your that type of news). He, though, encouraged me by saying that it will get better, and it has. The first book I bought was entitled “So Your Wife Cheated On You”, and even though it’s geared toward men, it may be of benefit to you. I can honestly say that for me it was worth every penny.

It is good to hear that your WH is “remorseful”. WS’s usually are when they first get caught and for a while afterward. Only you can tell over time if he is remorseful of what he did or if he’s remorseful that he got caught.

What you’re going through is absolutely normal. You have been through a traumatic experience. Notice I did not say a bad, or terrible, or awful experience. This is on the level of a trauma, as if you have lost your left arm in comparison to getting a small cut. Many of us in this situation have many of the same symptoms of those going through PTSD – it is that significant. Don’t sell yourself short on the importance of what he did to you. He lied to you, probably gaslighted you, deceived you, and worst of all, violated the trust you had in him. Add to that took the risk of bringing home an STI to the one he loves. He was to be your safe space in this world and he turned around and abused you. You have every right to hurt, get mad, mistrust, and anything else you want to throw in there. He needs help, and so do you.

I would suggest that you (at least you) and he get yourself tested for any STI’s and HIV. If this girl was with your husband, she possibly was with other men and you have no idea what may have been transmitted along the way. If you ask her if she’s been with other men, do you think she’d tell the truth? So don’t trust, get tested.

You are doing the right thing by seeing an IC. Don’t forget to take care of yourself during this process. Do something you like to do every week. Something special just for you. You need to keep your mental health up for this very long journey ahead of you. It has been said that working through this trauma takes 2 to 5 years, so take care of you!!

Just remember that here we want to help you, and that you are not alone.

Tallgirl posted 5/16/2019 05:57 AM

Hurt, I am sorry that you are in such pain. I understand. This is trauma as Beachwalker says.

It is normal. You had what appears to be a good marriage, a best friend and a tight family unit. You think you know this person inside out and then you realize that you didn’t. The betrayal is to your essence.

Your husband chose to cheat. He broke your trust.

It is NOT your fault. It was his choice.

I am glad you are in IC. You were also betrayed by your “Friend” which adds to the pain.

Be kind to yourself. There are couples recovery retreats. I saw them on the beyond affairs web site and I am sure there are many others. Maybe this is something that would be helpful for you.

Hugs.

Thomas11 posted 5/22/2019 15:55 PM

Bless you all. This LTA crap is especially tough because it touches every part of your life and leaves almost nothing sacred. For me, the area, events, and community are spoiled. Even if things work out, is it possible to stay in a small community and area where you are likely to interact with AP, or their friends or co-workers at some point? Too unfair, but it is what it is now. Seems like too much stress from now on looking at the same places, wondering who POSOM showed pictures to, bragged about exploits to, the high probability our kids will participate at athletic events at the same time. Time to figure it out and work to be happy. Sucks getting angry every time I drive through town. The heartlessness is astounding.

steadychevy posted 5/22/2019 20:12 PM

You are right, Thomas. So much time to taint so much. We moved almost 3 hours away from where we lived during the LTA 7 years before I found out. Unfortunately, WW and her AP travelled for business a lot and the whole province is tainted because they've been there. His place is visible from the major north south highway in Alberta so when I drive to see my youngest daughter or on business I see his place. I could take another route but then the trigger would be about why am I taking an inconvenient and longer route and going through other places they've been, too.

What my WW didn't seem to realize and probably other WWs, too, is that these guys like to brag. They need to for their ego. I've been around some of them and have heard them. They don't talk about being smitten and in love. Typically they are quite derogatory.

Fortunately for me and not so for you is that it's unlikely I'll ever run into him anywhere or be in interactions with people he also interacts with. That has to be hard to take. Wondering if he's going to be around the corner or who he's told, bragged to, etc. I've separated from my WW and have filed for D. Whether you can stay or stay in the same community I can't answer. I do believe it's possible to R - difficult but possible. It depends an awful lot about the actions of the WW after DDay, too. It's also a viable alternative to D.

Tallgirl posted 5/23/2019 06:24 AM

Hi Thomas

Yes dealing with infidelity is All consuming
It does seem to touch everything. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

I grew up in a small town. Everyone seems to know everything. All I can say is - hold your head high. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If people do know it is likely that they support you. I thought that i read that the ap
was a cop. All I am gonna say is so what. As a public facing figure he should be ashamed. I grew up around cops - they put their pants on one leg at a time too.

Take care.

Chaos posted 5/23/2019 06:36 AM

Thomas11

I hear and understand. It sucks.

Hold your head high. Walk through that town and everywhere like you freaking own it. Because you own yourself. Your self esteem is not theirs to take.

Yes, it is hard. Yes, it takes practice. Yes, I do it in sheer defiance of it all.

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