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Long Term Affairs Part 39

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Tallgirl posted 8/3/2019 07:36 AM

WAWH

Enjoy! You deserve pampering

Tallgirl posted 8/3/2019 08:14 AM

I have a question for all of those whose WS had an LTA.

My husband cheated for 10 years, 5 was with a woman he fell passionately in love with. His last contact with her was over a year ago - so I am told.

Now I am the person who he wants to grow old with. He did plan to grow old with the AP as late as last year. But now itís me.

I think it is likely that he is lying to both of us. I think this is a knee jerk reaction to FINALLY realizing that what he did was wrong. It is- Fear. Shame. Duty. Selfishness. Delusion.

I donít know him anymore. He is good looking I guess, but the attraction is gone. And half of the time I hate him because he left for 10 years (figuratively) and didnít have the human decency to tell me.

So, logically staying married is the stupid thing to do. Logically he doesnít love me, heís being selfish. After telling the AP that ďI want to be with you babesĒ, ďI love youĒ for 5 years (and meaning it) you simply donít love your wife a few months later.

So after the YEARS of cheating, can those WSs truly love you again because they did not love you during the A.

Logic says no. Did/do you believe them? Even if they work on themselves.

northeasternarea posted 8/3/2019 09:15 AM

He says he loves me, his actions match up with his words. I love him, but not like before. At this point in my life, it makes more sense to stay than to go. I have much more life behind me than I have ahead of me. Life is good.

Thomas11 posted 8/3/2019 09:33 AM

Tallgirl,
Iím struggling with this myself, have the same thoughts daily, and wish I had an answer. After 6 years of concealing and lying itís hard to know what to believe. If only we knew what they were really thinking, and if that thinking has changed. My WW says I love you everyday, but who knows.

I think I believe it when she says it, but even after a year with 2 DDays it seems very much about her in my own situation. Does not like to talk about it, refuses to get into any details, rarely says sorry because of how it makes her feel bad, etc, etc. I think it depends on if the person can curb the selfishness that hinders true communication and growth.

I feel you...married 25 years here too and just want to live carefree and happy again. At least some of the time.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 8/5/2019 09:32 AM

Tallgirl, I feel like he stays with me because its convenient, and we have a nice life together. We never talk about her, even though in my mind she is always there. I am convinced the affair is on-going, and always will be.

gmc94 posted 8/5/2019 10:07 AM

TallGirl - I believe that a WS can change and learn to love properly.

The question (I suspect for both of us) is if our WS can/will make those changes. For me, every day that goes by w/o progress tells me the answer is a resounding "no".

Chaos posted 8/5/2019 10:11 AM

I never doubted Mr. Chaos' love for me. Even now I don't doubt it. Even when he was donuts deep in his 4.5 year LTA I felt it and looking back I still see it there.

That being said - can I ever TRUST it? To be continued...

gmc94 posted 8/5/2019 11:24 AM

Not to get back into the can you love during an A debate - I also did not and do not doubt that my WH loves me as completely as he knows.
Personally, I think the problem is he has no real (? true? complete? healthy? fill in the blank) love for anyone - especially himself.

I think his self preservation and (unexplored) selfishness is huge.
AND
I think the man would take a bullet for me

I guess taking the bullet would fit his own self image (the nice guy, KISA, martyr, etc).
But being honest with himself or ANYONE else about his demons? At this point, no fucking way.

go figure.

Which brings me back to: I believe that anyone (short of a psycho/socio path) can learn to love fully, completely, honestly, authentically, with vulnerability and trust.
and
Until that happens, his kind of "love" for me is not healthy FOR ME (and frankly, I don't believe it's really healthy for him either).

Tallgirl posted 8/5/2019 12:27 PM

This weekend we talked.

He canít go sideways anymore. He canít do this anymore. He has answered all the questions before. He does not want to talk about the A anymore.Which means he canít do the fighting about the affair anymore. To be frank we had very little Fighting. I have screamed at him say three times in 15 months. Poor guy.

She ripped his face off every week. But no, with me he canít take it. Me being upset about his affair

.He wants us to move forward and get past this. That phrase speaks for itself.

He will always love me. He does not feel that zing anymore. He hopes it can come back with time spent.

I guess heís willing to rug sweep and continue the marriage. He could live with me forever. Itís a choice of rug sweep or divorce.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 12:28 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

Chaos posted 8/5/2019 12:45 PM

Tallgirl

So the poor muffin is hiding under his blankie with his hands over his ears crying "stop it stop it stop it". And getting angrier by the minute when he peeks out of said blankie and he doesn't see fairies and rainbows right? And if only you'd pretend this never happened you could both just be happy right? And he loves you but that guilded pile of poop that is AP just keeps blinding him and he can't resist that shiny foil covering that steaming pile of dung? And yeah, she was mean to him - but shiny wrapper?!?!

Pause while I roll my eyes and drink my coffee.

[This message edited by Chaos at 12:46 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 8/5/2019 14:21 PM

Chaos, I know you were responding to TG, but damn! You nailed my situation perfectly. Don't talk about it, pretend its all fine. Why get upset...blah blah blah.

Tallgirl posted 8/6/2019 19:19 PM

I have trouble reconciling the duration of the cheating - 3 flavours for 10 years, all flat out cheating for a full five.

-42% of my marriage. That's a choker.
-3,950 days of lying
-Let's average 5 lies a day, so say 20,000 lies in 10 years

It makes me sick, and yes my brain thinks this way. Totally know this is TERRIBLE for me, but this fact.

Don't they say if to become an expert you have to invest 10,000 hours in something.

I have an expert.

This is why I have trouble looking at him. And no trust.

And yes, he wonders why I can't get past it. That is a massive pile of deceit to climb over or wade through to a "happy" marriage.

So, anyone else struggle with the basic facts of the LTA infidelity. Do you wonder why you even consider reconciliation? How they can ask for so much when they have selfishly stolen years of your life and happiness?

Makes for a long healing journey, and certainly explains the broken feeling.

My suggestion, don't do math, it sucks. :)

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:54 AM, August 9th (Friday)]

notoverit posted 8/10/2019 01:08 AM

TG,
6year lta. Understand your math (impressive), understand your pain. Don't know how to address your question about LTA & R.

My WH has an amazing ability to compartmentalize, and a shocking lack of empathy.

I no longer give a shit about the M and can barely tolerate my H. We have this weird relationship, we work well together doing farmwork which is very physical,and often dangerous, but I just can't stand him. As my IC says, we present very well and even my closest friends tell me we look and sound completely happy.

He is remorseful, except when he's telling me f-u when I bring up his A "to hurt him". He literally runs and hides if I try to explain my latest revelation of his A, then emerges to tell me he's sorry for the A but that was a long time ago and he's trying everyday.

He and the kids are planning a surprise birthday party for me. The last thing I need are more surprises and thanks to my honed investigative skills figured it out weeks ago.
Ignoring the question of love, I question if it possible to reconcile with someone you don't 100 percent respect?

gmc94 posted 8/10/2019 10:03 AM

Tallgirl - I think the same way. Did all that math pretty early on -I may have even calculated the hours in those first couple of weeks (yeah, I know - don't do the math). Once WH told me they'd met WAY back in 1993 (before we M) and he didn't bother to tell me, it kind of blew those stats out the window. I think this is why dates may be the final frontier on the trigger front - my brain immediately begins the calculations whenever I hear a date prior to Jan 2018. It totally sucks bc my brain goes to what HE was doing at that point, and not what I was doing. I think it's kind of a "what was REALLY happening in my life at that point" kind of thing.

Yesterday I realized that he was balls deep when my last grandma was sick and died. I remember the trips to visit her, the funeral, etc. I wonder how long those "clicks" in my brain will last - how long to cover all the years of deceit? Will there EVER be a time when the word "lunch" doesn't send a rush of adrenaline through my body? I dunno.

I struggle with the same concepts of R when so much was taken. But try to refocus to the usual 'I can't change the past, but I can decide how to view my present, and make my own decisions about the future' .

Right now, it doesn't really matter much to me. My WH is not "R material", so I don't have to think about R. I do think a lot about D.

I question if it possible to reconcile with someone you don't 100 percent respect?
Me too.

Lately I've thought what is my fantasy of R? What is my fantasy of a "new" M? or M 2.0? Obviously an emotional connection and intimacy. But one thought / vision (?) that keeps recurring is the idea of wanting to do something FOR him, even if I don't like doing whatever it is. Right now, that desire is about zero. Part of me worries that is COD. But another part thinks that is what M is - that we do stuff we don't like bc we love our spouse, and it makes our spouse happy. There's a line at the end of "High Fidelity" where the Cusack character says he's making a mixed tape for his ex/reconciled GF, "something SHE would like" . And he has this kind of knowing grin when he says it. I've always loved that moment - his realization that being 100% selfish won't work in a relationship and that doing something that she likes can also bring him happiness.

But when a WS does so much damage, then keeps their head up their arse, it's hard to want to do anything nice for him. A couple of months ago I was putting away laundry. And as I put his stuff in the drawer, this wave of sadness and grief came over me. So I paid a bit 'o attention to it. I felt so sad about how I used to feel good about myself when I would put his clothes away. I would want to smooth the shirts out as I put them in the drawer, so they wouldn't be so wrinkled. Try to make sure the white and black socks were appropriately segregated. This sense of comfort from "wifely duties" kind of thing. But now, when I put his shit away I wonder if he ever wore THAT shirt or THOSE underwear when he'd go to meet her. I wonder about the amount of fancying himself up that would happen when he'd dress in the morning on the days they would meet (they didn't meet often - she lived 1000s of miles away until the final 6 months). The excitement and anticipation he'd have getting "ready" for his side piece, while I was snoring away in bed. I now feel resentful when I put his laundry away - and double resentful that he has no clue how much his f*cked up choices to have an A / LTA impact even those simple moments of my day. How it can just creep up and wash over me with such feelings of grief over the million "little things" that he threw away without a second thought and still can't seem to grasp why the are gone for me.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 8/16/2019 13:16 PM

Is anyone else still in the situation where the LTA is still active?

steph posted 8/17/2019 11:37 AM

Yes. OW is out of the picture but he has continued contact with her adult daughter in her early twenties. She is NOT his child. He seems to be The knight in shining armor. I thought all contact was stopped almost two years ago when I was prepared to divorce and he convinced me and our marriage counselors that it was done.

In March I found a phone two weeks after my mother passed away unexpectedly. He claimed to get rid of it then sent me a selfie with the phone in his pocket about five weeks later. He then smashed the phone and gave it to me. He sat in our kitchen and cried, begged and made promises.

A week later I discovered a bank account he opened for her. She was in jail for six months and had just gotten out. He closed the account.

I donít believe a word he says or a promise he makes. He breaks them all. At this point I have to keep a close eye on all accounts and protect myself. He has a problem and this is not my fault. I have given him chances over and over. Heís never given me 5he truth I needed to make a fair decision for me.

At this stage in our lives I donít want to split finances and sell the house. I make more than him and I donít want to have to give him money. We get along ok. I have no hope of ever regaining what we once had, or, what I thought we once had. Iím also mourning my mother and I think thatís I the front of my brain. Iíve dealt with his shit for years and except for his brothers who donít support his behavior but support him if I leave but donít know heís continued, nobody knows. Itís our dirty secret.

Tallgirl posted 8/17/2019 21:17 PM

Not that I know. But that doesnít mean much.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 8/19/2019 09:04 AM

@steph

Mine is still in an active affair, and I think always will be. But I love my home and I can't imagine living anywhere else. We get along, all though we never have sex and we live more like companions.

Some days its good enough. Some days its not.

Chaos posted 8/19/2019 10:25 AM

Not to my knowledge. Outing AP to OBS ended that.

WH in intensive IC which started in the spring.

I'm just hoping in 10 years I don't find myself posting a relapse story. So many of them recently. It is scary.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 8/19/2019 10:32 AM

I naively believed him back years ago when he said it was a one time thing, that they just happened to be in the same place. Now I know better. He will never give her up. Yet he and I stay together.

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