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Long Term Affairs Part 39

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ShatteredSakura posted 2/5/2020 09:15 AM

It's a horrible norm. I lived in outright fear for that other shoe to drop (and have it drop multiple times).

This morning I woke up angry, so bloody angry thinking about how outright abusive LTA's are. I thought I found someone who could be a life companion and someone to lean on, and instead I got raked over coals for my commitment and love for her. She did to me her own worst fears, like being alone...she made me be alone. I wanted to live in peace, and instead I got f-ing trauma because that wasn't enough for her!!

For whatever reason I was thinking about the times we've vacationed in the tropics (perhaps because I watched the Mel Gibson version of Mutiny on the Bounty last night!). She would wear a single piece bathing suit (technically a 2 piece, but it covered everything) and was too insecure to wear a bikini. I always wanted to see her in a bikini actually, and I would always tell her she'd look great in one.

At some point over the summer last year, she went shopping with him and got a bikini and wore it to some places. Of course I didn't get to enjoy her in it, HE did. The irony is she's put on a few extra pounds than the times I described from a few years ago (but still looks great, to my eyes at least).

And that made me think about all the times I'd find out - after the fact - she went clothes shopping with the AP before he was the AP, when they were "just friends". There was an after-work women's group she'd sometimes go to near her office, and often she'd need a ride and an hour or two to kill...so she'd call him up. And when would I find out about it? When I'd pick her up later that night (40 mins down, 40 mins back on a week night! It was like a whole 2nd commute).

It took SO MANY arguments for her to finally stop with that and ask OTHER people for rides or to kill time with before the event (she ended up getting close to one of the other participants, so they'd get together before).

Oh yeah, now I remember what triggered these thoughts this morning - I was reading some random article about Jessica Simpson's love life years ago how she ruined her relationship with the man she was with because there was another guy who would come in-and-out of her life and had a hold over her that she couldn't resist. Obviously made me think of my WW.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 9:23 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/5/2020 09:25 AM

It amazes me how she is EVERYTHING he says he didn't want in a woman. I'm a tall, big boned pale redhead. She lives on the beach and is always tan. Supposedly he hated that...She is very feminine, always in dresses, full make up and petite. Another lie told to me, that he wasn't into girly women.

I'm not against that kind of thing, if he wanted more of that, I would have done it. But to be so obsessed with someone who is so opposite of me...I don't get it.

She hates movies, he loves them. She doesn't listen to music, he is an audiophile. All the things we have in common, they do not. Yet, given the opportunity, he jumps at her command.

Your post hit home Shattered, with the things they will do for the AP. WHAT.THE.HELL.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/5/2020 10:33 AM

There was some of that too, I thought WW and I shared more in common than she did with him. But we don't really know, do we? There may be stuff they share in common we are completely unaware about.

Ironically with looks...I have a full beard which she *loved*. The AP looks like a dog with mange. He's so ugly looking.

Or it can be as simple as the AP doesn't say no.

WW's AP doesn't say no to her, and I don't think complains as much. He just does whatever she wants. Perhaps what he wants usually aligns with what she wants though (e.g. she is definitely more outgoing/social than I am, and wants to go to all these parties and events...it's his social group so him going is a given. I didn't go to many because he would be there). They also have the same background and upbringing, both Jews from brooklyn and have similar dysfunctional families.

And as for something like the bikini? I bet he didn't wait for her to make the decision, he just took her shopping and convinced her. Or something. Once WW told me that he was a lot more "forceful" than I am, not entirely sure the scope of that though. And she seemed to like that sometimes, no doubt because of how indecisive she is.

I am not forceful. I communicate when *I'm* not comfortable with something or don't want to do something or go somewhere and will say no, but I made it clear she was always free to make her own decisions or do it by herself. Ironically one of her douchey friends and her mother accused me of being controlling... you know, for not being a complete doormat. She used to criticize her ex for not being communicative and loved how communicative I was

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 1:14 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/10/2020 13:43 PM

Its just a no win situation, isn't it? You try to be the partner they want, and they change the rules of the game on you.

I've tried talking to him this week. I've asked him if he's happy with our life together. Some friends are getting divorced and I brought them up too. I got non answers.

Oh, and all my Valentines Day plans? Changed. He invited a couple to come with us. He works with the guy, and I can't stand his wife. Lucky me.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/10/2020 19:30 PM

Yeah no kidding. Makes me doubt wanting future relationships where someone can one day say they love you and the next day say never mind. Bleh.

Inviting another couple out for Valentines day? Weird. Sounds like he doesn't want to be alone with you.

gmc94 posted 2/10/2020 21:51 PM

There may be stuff they share in common we are completely unaware about.
And this is one of the harshest rubs of an LTA that is, after dday, fraught with all the "I don't recall" and "I don't remember" and "I'm not sure" bullshit - or at least it is for me. I'm positive they shared more than my WH will ever fess up to.

My WH's POSOW treated him like she was his wife. For instance, while I have extremely little written "evidence" of their LTA, what little I do have includes her harassing him for not responding to her calls or emails quickly. When I asked him about it, I got the deer in headlights look, cuz he "never saw it like that".

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:52 AM, February 12th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

ShatteredSakura posted 2/10/2020 22:11 PM

We all know the answer as to why of course. They lie to not face the consequences, avoid the conflict. And often will lie again saying they didn't want to hurt us so that's why they didn't reveal the truth.

Fuck, if WW didn't want to hurt me she wouldn't have gone out causing me so many stressful nights of wondering "where is she, what is she doing, why isn't she answering". And the like. I didn't do things I knew would hurt her. How could they not expect us to be hurt by any of this.

My WH's POSOW treated him like she was his wife. 

It's stuff like this I wish we had better legal recourse. It might make APs think twice. IMO if someone is violating your space, abusing you and harassing you, people have a no brainer reaction on those things not being right. If it's infidelity...oh nevermind, your wayward can follow their hearts, damn the abuse! I had no way to get the AP to stop without confronting him. Even when WW tried to stop, he still acted like he was in a quasi relationship with her. He didn't care. And she was weak.

I felt like I had my hands tied, I'm not going to risk an altercation and jail when I'm the one being victimized.

AP's are freaking abusers. Cheaters are too. But I feel like APs have very little consequences in our society.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 10:15 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/11/2020 08:21 AM

Nope, he definitely does not want to spend one on one time with me. I go back and forth on this. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I've now invited a friend of mine and her partner (he doesn't like either of them). So at least I will have a good time, and he will fake being a happy couple in front of other people.

There are NO consequences for the AP that I can see. They take the parts they want, and throw the rest back. Its not reality, its just a fantasy world where its all champagne and caviar, and no dirty laundry and dishes.

Throwaway999 posted 2/11/2020 10:04 AM

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard...”I don’t know”, “I don’t remember”, “ how am I supposed to know” and the worst, “I dealt with the affair 4 years ago”....my DDay was Oct/Nov 2019. I just found out basically. He has know about it for years. My WH answers are beyond infuriating to me. The only time we don’t fight now is when I allow the rug sweeping. Any affair talk and it’s WW3. I am so sad.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/11/2020 10:56 AM

((Throwaway999))

I'm sorry. Those are very cruel things to say. It's abuse to try and shut the BS up and coerce them to move on without a chance to heal, to spare the WS from having to face consequences or work on themselves. Is he at least NC with the AP now?

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/11/2020 11:46 AM

Throwaway, same here. If I try and bring it up, I'm the bad person. I'm not letting go of the past. You name, he has said them all. He provides me with a nice home, I should appreciate his hard work more.

He doesn't give me the one thing I want.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/11/2020 12:15 PM

He doesn't give me the one thing I want.

Yep. I begged, pleaded for NC with the bastard. Nope, couldn't do it. "Sorry, but I tried" was the response.

One of the last times we were out together I got triggered because we were near where we had 2019's Valentine's Day dinner and all I could think about was she was secretly banging him at the time. And still WAS, no longer secretly. I got negative, she did nothing to ease the hurt except to tell me to stop reminding her.

According to her "I ruined" our evening out. Fast forward several months, Valentine's Day 2020 she'll be with him. Her actions led to that, not mine.

I WAS RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY.

She cannot take that away from me.

And the same goes for everyone else on this thread.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 12:17 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/11/2020 15:18 PM

I WAS RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY.

Yep! When I busted him the first time, I was told I broke his trust by snooping. And that he would never trust me again. NVM the fact that he WAS cheating and I DID catch him...

ShatteredSakura posted 2/11/2020 15:42 PM

Early in 2019 (forget if it was before or after V-day), she went upstairs to take a shower and left her phone unguarded. Very rare. I took the opportunity.

Shortly before the AP sent her a full frontal nude photo of herself, on his bed. He was sweet talking saying how beautiful she looked. This was when she was supposed to be "done" with him and "working on us". She said I shouldn't have looked and it was an old photo (from the summer before, when she shacked up with him for a month). At this point, she was swearing up and down they never did full PIV sex.


[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 5:01 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Throwaway999 posted 2/11/2020 21:28 PM

ShatteredSakura - yes he has NC with her. The affair ended in 2016 and he swears NC after that, but I did find 2 emails dated 6 months after he said they broke up...but for sure NC now.

WhyAgainWhyHer - I have also taken a lot blame lately too. During our last fight, he said I was the reason he has no friends. And when I first found out about the affair, he told me he was depressed and suicidal, and this past weekend he told me his depression level was actual only a “1”. He said that he thinks I hope I come home from work each day and hope that he is dead on the sofa (he has cancer). Unbelievable. Sometimes I feel like he hates me. He can be pretty mean. And the next day...apology text. It’s crappy loop.

On a different note...I know other people have started threads about tv and triggers...but why is it infidelity is all I see now on tv? I guess I just was immune to it before and now it just brings out horrible feelings. And even when I see happy married couples on tv, I feel just as bad. For us, I knew things were off but I never had a clue it was as bad as cheating. I still in disbelief that this is my marriage. I was so clueless and stupid...and I feel I lost so many years with all of the lying.

[This message edited by Throwaway999 at 9:36 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

ShatteredSakura posted 2/11/2020 21:39 PM

I think it's becoming more common to show dysfunction. I keep seeing a newish(?) show called "Breeders". Usually I see that as a snide insult to people who choose to have children.

I remember once WW commented that she loved some of the old movies that I started showing her early on our relationship because they didn't show dysfunction or showed marriage/families in a positive light.

Tallgirl posted 2/11/2020 22:34 PM

My WH's POSOW treated him like she was his wife.

My WH’s AP wore a wedding band when they were together.

She bought him clothes including undies.

She picked their wedding venue.

Well she wore that promise ring he gave her.

She got him that lawyer because they needed that money.

They dreamt about their life together.

Serious assholes

Wish she had done a better job.

Throwaway999 posted 2/12/2020 10:19 AM

Tallgirl - that is all unbelievable! She was no “pretty woman”....what nerve she had. You must be a very strong person and you should be proud of yourself for getting through this.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/12/2020 13:02 PM

Serious assholes

Asshole power level is over 9000.

A promise ring? Really?

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 1:02 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

Tallgirl posted 2/13/2020 18:55 PM

Maybe it was an engagement ring. Who knows.

You know she gave back all his stuff. Kindly left it on the front porch so all the neighbours could see. No ring.

I am still so angry. Will the anger ever go away?

ETA

You know what. I resent that he did all this shit. And now wants forgiveness. I resent being made to have to contemplate forgiveness. I resent having to be the better person. I resent I promised to be committed while separated. He sure as fuck does NOT deserve that. I resent the shame I feel because he cheated. I resent the shame i have felt each day for the last seven years. I resent the pain he put me through.

I resent that he changed me, and my life without ever talking to me.

I resent being sick with a shitty cold and I have no one to make me tea.

I resent it all.

Fuck.

Infidelity is more than a mind fuck. It is a life fuck. To everyone it touches.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:12 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

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