"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

demolishedinside posted 2/8/2019 18:53 PM

As I’m heading to D and thinking I don’t even know if I’ve got it in me for a “new beginning,”I’m wondering how I’ll know if the people are good people. I feel like my picker was clearly broken. I’ve had tons of IC. Still thinking, well...there won’t be a guy patient enough to wait on me to trust or feel comfortable. My BIL even told me that if I was looking for someone who wasn’t going to watch porn, my expectations are too high. I mean, heck, it’s not like you ask someone that on a first date So how are you navigating this, friends? I just am not sure how I’ll ever get to a place of trusting someone again. And are there people out there who will be ok with taking it really slow?

(No worries...I’m Years out. I just need to alleviate some anxiety and try to believe in the goodness of people)

tiredofcrying59 posted 2/8/2019 19:00 PM

I guess I'm in a different place in that I'm not looking for a mate, just kind of a companion, which gives me a lot of freedom. I don't have to worry about whether we agree on global warming, politics, religion, and so many other things because we're just having fun. It opens up a lot of possibilities, really. JMO

At the same time, I'm brutally honest and have no problem saying, that just won't work for me, see ya.

I guess I'm just saying if you don't pressure yourself to find "the one", I think you'll be more likely to find that person when you least expect it.

I don't know if that helps at all, but that's just me.

Also, I kind of have the feeling that I've lived through the worst, I've come to expect it, and I'll live through it again. It won't break me. If that makes sense.

[This message edited by tiredofcrying59 at 7:02 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

demolishedinside posted 2/8/2019 19:14 PM

Yes. I don’t think I want a mate either but I guess one never knows.

I hate expecting the worst. For once, the best would be awesome. I read the BH’s stories on here and think, “damn. Didn’t their wife know what she had?” Perhaps it’s just where I am in my journey or my empathic nature.

tiredofcrying59 posted 2/8/2019 19:37 PM

No, I get it. I've found myself often being a little envious of some of the women I know who have awesome faithful H's and wished I had one. Since I don't really want an H anymore, I find it easier to just be happy for people who have that. Sad I didn't get it? Yeah. But at this point I just try to see it as something that wasn't meant to be. Maybe I'll find a fantastic man at 80 and be wildly happy. But I'm just hoping for wildly happy whether it involves anyone else or not.

Phoenix1 posted 2/8/2019 20:11 PM

I kept my expectations low and my options open. When I met my SO, I was VERY clear that I was looking for a companion to do things with, not a new spouse. Fortunately, SO was like minded after getting out of his own long term marriage. We had common interests/hobbies and we both love to travel. That checked all my boxes (not that I had many).

With that we set out to do what we both wanted - having someone to do things with. Slowly, very slowly, we got to know each other better and affection started to take root. Neither of us were in a rush. Hell, we STILL aren't in any rush! Seriously, we took three years to finally exchange the ILYs.

Over five years later, we are still doing the same thing. We live an hour apart and we both travel - sometimes together but often not. That means we also spend long stints apart, which suits us both just fine. I describe it as a permanent part-time relationship, which is perfect for me right now.

What will happen in the future? Don't know, don't care, and don't dwell on it. I focus on the here and now. And here and now it works.

If we don't last long term? That's fine. After what I've been thru I know no matter what happens I will survive.

The takeaway? There ARE good people out there that are on the same page as you. Be open, honest, and true to yourself. Then, no matter what, you will be okay.

WhoTheBleep posted 2/9/2019 07:29 AM

I guess I'm in a different place in that I'm not looking for a mate, just kind of a companion, which gives me a lot of freedom. I don't have to worry about whether we agree on global warming, politics, religion, and so many other things

This^^^

I guess I'm just saying if you don't pressure yourself to find "the one", I think you'll be more likely to find that person when you least expect it.

And this^^^

"Also, I kind of have the feeling that I've lived through the worst, I've come to expect it, and I'll live through it again. It won't break me. If that makes sense."

So much this!!^^^

Toc59 essentially nailed it for me. This is exactly my perspective.

I'm seeing a man for about 6 weeks. It's easy, casual, no pressure. The old Bleep would have dove in head first. I'm keeping myself in check, not over-thinking it, and just enjoying myself. It seems he is doing the same thing. So far so good. I really really enjoy the time we spend together, and talking to him in general. But yes,the thought of anything serious makes me tense up and freeze. Even though he is the only man I'm dating, and I've really no desire to meet anyone else. He's checking all the boxes for what I need right now. Just taking it day by day.

And after what I've been through, I'm pretty much capable of handling anything another man could throw my way. When you've healed enough, and know who you are and what you'll tolerate, not tolerate and expect, the fear just fades. You can't control others, but you can control how you react. Know your reactions in advance, then go from there. You do you.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:31 AM, February 9th (Saturday)]

SoHappyNow posted 2/9/2019 16:11 PM

tiredofcrying59, you wrote

I guess I'm just saying if you don't pressure yourself to find "the one", I think you'll be more likely to find that person when you least expect it.

This is SO true! If I could give you a "two thumbs up" emoji, I would!

My late husband broke my heart twice, in 2005 and again in 2007. I forgave him after he went to IC for over a year and worked hard to fix his broke spots. In 2010, we found out he had stage four lung cancer. It took him 26 months to die. During that 26 months, we moved into independent senior living so that we were MUCH closer to hospitals and so that we could make some new friends and have the social support we craved.

Both of us made friends very easily and blossomed in groups. We had a LOT of fun, in spite of the dreary dying business....My husband met a new best friend, who was also my friend.

People, the LAST thing on my mind while my beloved husband was dying was romance!
I was not looking for love - I already had it. But, behind my back, my husband asked his best friend to "look after" SoHappyNow after he died.

So....I found the true love of my life when I most definitely was not looking. I always knew that there were faithful men out there. My son is one of them. He politely turned down numerous advances by his high school classmates because he already had a girlfriend. My new husband is that kind of man, too. He says that he absolutely cannot understand why any man would want two women! Because one is enough of a challenge

My new husband and I will celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary on Valentine's Day next week.

thebighurt posted 2/11/2019 07:53 AM

I just am not sure how I’ll ever get to a place of trusting someone again.

I posed this question in IC last session. The response was that maybe it is because I do not trust myself. This rang true in my case because xpos was so controlling that I was even told what I could say and NOT say around others, especially the kids, then was critiqued on my behavior after.

Now that I am on my own, this made me realize I have found it hard to express any opinion or response in some situations. This has given me a lot to consider since. I plan to pursue it more next time.

TrustGone posted 2/12/2019 13:22 PM

Just know that there are good people out there that are feeling the same way. I met my new husband (been married a year) on OLD. I had dated a few men and never had any thoughts of remarriage again. We took it very slow and got to know each other before we ever took it to the next level. It was different from any relationship I had ever been in. He knew from the get go that I had a progressive liver disease and would need a transplant eventually. Any other men I had ever been with would have run for the hills. Unfortunately I got sick on our honeymoon and had to have a liver transplant in August. He was there for me the whole time before and after my surgery. I know that XWH#1 or XWH#2 would not have been there for me. I think we learn that no matter what we get dished out to us, we are survivors. We no longer ignore red flags, are not as trusting and naïve, and can see a person for who they are and not who we want them to be.