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Date # ? Sharing of past

ArtPatchedHeart81 posted 2/9/2019 10:11 AM

At what point when dating do you mention past relationships? A little afraid of getting so far involved and then BAM! “Oh by the way, I did XYZ with ABC”

tiredofcrying59 posted 2/9/2019 11:56 AM

I think it depends on what you're looking for. For myself, I'm online dating, NOT looking for a mate. Looking for friendship, companionship, sex, and honesty. So, with that said, I get it out of the way to a degree before we even meet. They know I was recently in a long term marriage and now divorced. If they ask I will tell them he was a cheater. They know I don't want commitment and have trust issues. They know I'm not necessarily looking for monogamy at least for awhile, although if someone is cool enough I will date one person exclusively for a bit.

I just get it all out of the way. That way if they can hang with that, we're on the same page.

Also, I'm dating guys quite a bit younger, so I think we both understand that this is unlikely to be any kind of "forever" match. I mean it could theoretically happen, but it's statistically unlikely. Just having fun for now and enjoying each others' company.

edited to say- I just give them the basics, I don't go on and on about it. I'm sure they don't want to hear it anymore than I want to relive it.

[This message edited by tiredofcrying59 at 11:57 AM, February 9th (Saturday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 2/9/2019 13:07 PM

Hey TOC59–. I think you need to start a group teaching some of us 50+ folks how to be successful with OLD! I know I could use the help!!

Phoenix1 posted 2/9/2019 14:00 PM

On my first date with SO we both mentioned we were D from long term marriages. That left the white elephant in the room of why, after so many years. I decided to get it out of the way in the least intrusive or dumping way possible and asked him to tell me in five words or less why. His answer was something along the lines of, "Drifted apart after many deployments." (He's retired military.) I answered with something like, "Secretly cheated on entire marriage."

That little exercise accomplished two things quickly. First, it got uncomfortable answers out of the way without belaboring the issue. Second, it told me his D wasn't due to infidelity so he has no experience of it (good for knowing his perspective which helped me in future convos).

Then, little bits and pieces trickled out over the years mostly as I dealt with issues that involved xhole. Now, after five years, SO knows everything and he completely agrees with my assessment that xhole is a psychopathic asshole.

WhoTheBleep posted 2/9/2019 15:04 PM

I'm only 6 weeks into dating, and we've already had mutual disclosure about why our marriages ended. And only because we talk so much, it was beginning to feel like I was avoiding the topic...which in itself was a white elephant. So I told him (left out the more dramatic details for when we are serious). Then he disclosed to me. It actually ended up being a 2 hour phone conversation. We haven't brought it up since except in subtle ways for context of other topics.

When it feels right to talk about it, you'll know.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:05 PM, February 9th (Saturday)]

ArtPatchedHeart81 posted 2/11/2019 17:32 PM

Thank you all for responding 💕 I keep telling myself I will know but I start worrying about what he will think if he hears about it first; or if he already has heard about it. I have changed a lot with the help of therapy but I have a LONG way yet to go and the qualities he possesses are high character and those of someone I wouldn’t mind being a part of the journey.

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