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In a Limbo

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Stevesn posted 7/13/2019 07:09 AM

I’m sorry to hear that Mooney.

Have you told the lawyers to move forward with the D process? I’m sorry it takes so long.

In the meantime, besides posting pictures what have you been hearing from your WH?

Your message to him should be clear, that you are not willing to work on anything with him unless he admits to family and friends what he has done and that he starts counseling with a therapist who specializes in Infidelity and does NOT believe that married men have the right to interact in such a way with other women.

Keep telling him this. Tell him it’s the only way for him to show that he respects you and that he wants to make you feel safe in the relationship.

The more time that goes on, without him responding in the right way, the slimmer the chances are that you both will be together.

He needs to grow up. He needs to do things to win you back from step 1 again. He needs to prove to you and his family that he no longer communicates with the other woman.

This is all on him. Don’t let him forget it.

I wish you strength. Please keep posting ... we are here for you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:10 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]

NoOptTo posted 7/13/2019 07:14 AM

Some words of encouragement for you Mooney. You stood up for yourself in his acts of selfishness. He showed no remorse towards your pain. You LEFT him. So you have to wait a longer period of time for the final decree. If it is possible go full NC with him and his family. They no longer exist to you. You have your lawyer. Let them talk to him to get to you.

Start living your life with him. There are plenty things to do, people to see, places to go where you can create new lasting memories for yourself.

Before you know it, the waiting period will end and you will have your final D decree to be rid of him for good.

Just like anything else. You may feel sorry for yourself. Give yourself 5 minutes to feel the feelings, then focus your mind on something new.

k8la posted 7/13/2019 09:56 AM

What about the annulment route? He married you under false pretenses that he was going to keep Christian fidelity promises.

Odonna posted 7/13/2019 10:03 AM

Sweet Mooney,

I know what a sweet person you are. You want to keep this matter private and continue to hope that he will do the right thing. On the latter, however, I think you need to give up. After all this time he proved absolutely today that the only solution for him is to rugsweep. In that reality you would have DDay after DDay with kids to worry about in the mix. You know you cannot do that. So, accept YOUR reality and do what is needed to divorce. Is anullment possible?

On the privacy issue, it is empowering to simply announce that you are separated due to his unrepentant infidelity, but I sense that is not something you are comfortable with. But do draw some boundaries, even if that is just not responding or even shutting down or suspending some social media accounts. Do something that makes you feel strong, not weak. And get outside and just enjoy being alive today. You are strong and you are handling a bad situation very well.

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:04 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]

mooney posted 7/30/2019 00:07 AM

@k8la and @Odonna
No annulment is not possible.As per the Indian Divorce Act its given only if ur married as a minor or if u marry ur direct blood relative. Even though i have proof of long text messages and pics of them video chatting its not enough to prove infidelity.It has to be a physical affair (intercourse) or that he brings the OW to live with his wife or in case the OW gets pregnant.Then its infidelity as per the law. I was baffled to find that even if u find ur husband holding another women's breast on a bed its not considered infidelity as per the law.

I guess it was made in the old days when infidelity was a punishable offense and recently it was made to be non punishable offence but a ground for divorce.So the laws still lack the modification and i am a victim of it.

But i can ask him (WH) to give me a mutual consent divorce which can be filed only after 2 years of marriage as per the christian marriage laws in India.After that they will give me a cooling off period for 6 months to resolve our issues and then if its still not possible then a divorce is granted.

But I have to make him and his family accept for a mutual consent divorce.which is a Himalayan task for, then their social standing, their daughters marriage and their pride and reputation will all play the part with the delay.

I will be meeting my WH and his family on the August 12th and will clearly let them know of my decision with a therapist with us to resolve it once and for all.

True as u said he needs to grow up which i guess he never will...sorry but i just don't want to try to fix this marriage and our relationship anymore. I am not even interested to listen to his explanations or reasons anymore.
I guess i have come to a place of acceptance that its over.I am not willing to get back with him even if he repents and turns out to be a great guy in the future.I simply can't accept being used by him and his OW.As time went by I changed too and now even the thought of getting back with him scares me....

ChamomileTea posted 7/30/2019 00:29 AM

But I have to make him and his family accept for a mutual consent divorce.which is a Himalayan task for, then their social standing, their daughters marriage and their pride and reputation will all play the part with the delay.

You've still got possession of the baby maker.
The guy can't give them legitimate grandchildren without a wife, right? So, they can tie up your time by refusing to cooperate, but they'll be wasting his time too, because he can't remarry and you're not willing to breed with him EVER.

Maybe once they realize that you're not going to persuaded to accept him back, they'll start thinking more practically.

The1stWife posted 7/30/2019 05:42 AM

You rock Mooney!!!!!!

I know you are strong. I’m glad you are standing up to him and his family. And glad you are having an outside third party with you when you confront him and his family.

This may be the first time “Mr Wonderful” the cheating son doesn’t get his own way. And his family cannot fix this. And they are angry. How very sad for them (eye roll)

Keep posting. Let us know how the meeting in the 12th goes.

So sorry it ended this way but you know you are doing the right thing.

Too bad you cannot sue him for fraud or something like that.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:44 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 7/30/2019 13:36 PM

You're doing the right thing Mooney. He made his choices and now it's your turn to make yours. He forever changed the dynamic of your relationship. What you thought was true wasn't and it's your husband's fault. I'm sorry that you're going through this. God uses trials in our life to grow us and mold us. This is a difficult life altering trial but it will produce fruit in your life. In time it will become known to you what that fruit is. Never forget that you have worth. Nothing anyone does to you or says about you can change that fact. You are valuable and your future happiness is worth fighting for. Take care of yourself.

mooney posted 8/16/2019 07:18 AM

This is the update of my meeting with my husband and his family on the 12th....
The very first thing he said was "I never denied that what i did was wrong and I don't have any plans to leave me(BS).He will forgive me for my actions and fights with is parents and he nor his parents will bring it up ever again in the future (this is about the fight last time when i went into a rage with him. for the record i did not attack or even use any abusive language that time). He is even willing to make a big sacrifice and move in with me.He wants me to live with him for at least 2 months to see that he has changed and that he will not behave like earlier".

I don't even know what to say to this he has not changed at all and he is telling the same thing.There was a family counselor present and she tried to tell him that he is minimizing his actions and maximizing my reactions.That he is still focused on himself and his family than on the pain and effect on me, his wife.After a lot of talking he said he continued his actions from before marriage and did not know the responsibility of getting married.When asked what he would do if our roles were reversed, he said he would forgive me and give a chance.
Please forgive me this once....

By now i told that i am done and now i don't want to put any effort into anything as i am really exhausted and drained.I never got any answers or timeline or IC from him which i asked for in the beginning. Now I really have nothing to give and its not going to work anymore.

His mom told that its already been 6 months and we will try waiting if there is a possibility that i will change my mind for another 2 months. If not then they will look into divorce.I told them to go ahead and do it. Why tell he wants to be with me when he is not willing to do any work or wait.So here ends my life as it is.

My brain tells me is ok i did the right thing but my heart hurts and i am an emotional mess...

Do i still love him? yes(the person i thought he was)
Do I wish to be with him? No (I don't know who he is anymore)
Do i miss him and us? Yes (Its all an illusion)
AM i doing the right thing? I don't know
Am i depressed? yes
Why does it hurt so much?
will i ever be ok again?
Am i asking too much from him?
my decision is going to affect my parents and siblings as well as his...i feel guilty.
Am i being selfish in thinking about my peace and happiness rather than sacrificing myself so the all others can be happy....
will this pain ever go away???

Thanku for all of u out there who took ur precious time to help and be with me throughout my initial pain and confusion. I don't know what the future holds but i will eternally be grateful to u guys for ur love and support.

Odonna posted 8/16/2019 07:49 AM

You ARE doing the right thing! In all this time ALL he has ever offered is rug-sweeping. That’s it! And that will never heal you or your marriage.

It hurts so much because YOU went into the marriage with generousity, loyalty, and love. YOU gave your heart. He did not.

But you WILL be OK; it is just going to take awhile. Keep NC and focus on you and your family. I am very glad your family is supporting you!

Tigersrule77 posted 8/16/2019 08:15 AM

You are not selfish and you should not feel guilty. HE broke the vows and caused this, not you. YOU are protecting yourself from future pain so you can live a healthy productive life.

AmIAnIdiot15 posted 8/16/2019 12:02 PM

You're not selfish, HE is.

How dumb is he that he isn't willing to accept responsibility for his actions. His entire "I didn't know what it meant to be married" might fly if he was 20 but at 27 COME ON.

It might not feel like it now, but you dodged a bullet mooney.

The1stWife posted 8/16/2019 12:42 PM

You're not selfish, HE is.

Never ever sacrifice your happiness for others. Do not - do not - do not - stay married to him because of your family's happiness or his family’s happiness.

And do not - do not - do not- for even one second think you did not make the right decision. You know you did. You just are in an emotional state second guessing yourself right now.

Even the counselor agreed that HE was not focusing on you but selfishly focusing on himself. So a third party agreed that he’s not making any changes in his thinking. And then most likely will not make any long term permanent changes in his behavior. He may not cheat - but he could continue to disrespect and lie to you.

Hang in there. The further away from him you get, the better you will be. It may be very hard because you may have hoped by now he would have changed. And been willing to do the right thing. And have shown true remorse.

But your hopes were shattered. How sad. But at least you can see him for who and what he is.

Here’s to a better future. Have faith. It will happen.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:43 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 8/16/2019 15:01 PM

Ask all the Betrayed spouses who stayed for different reasons - like money or kids or Whatever.

See how many regret it.

Kids grow up and move on. Family moves away or older relatives pass on. Money can only resolve so many problems and infidelity may not be one of them. Point is - do you want to spend the next 60 or 70 years with someone you can barely tolerate, don’t have any respect for, disrespects you, is selfish and is not remorseful for cheating? And gives you some LAME excuse about not knowing how to be a H as a reason for his Affair?

You can face the pain now OR down the road. The therapist already pointed out he’s not remorseful. And it’s doubtful he will change if he’s not remorseful.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:09 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

mooney posted 10/13/2019 23:17 PM

There are certain situations that are very hard to imagine but when i find myself in it.........
Recently i have been trying to retrieve my belongings from my WS and my in-laws.I returned the thali (which is a customary gold chain that is given to the bride in the wedding ceremony) and my engagement ring to him and get the same from him as per my lawyers advice. when my dad went to get my car and belongings along with some furniture that were mine they had everything packed in boxes and said they would like to pay for the furniture.It was agreed and my things were bought back.
Now comes the shock of my life....again...he and his family cant become even more despicable than what they already are. I and my mom were trying to sort out everything and all the expensive silk sarees (a traditional Indian attire) were missing. These sarees are usually worn by older women everyday but it is worn by the younger generation for important functions and weddings. Its again a tradition to gift an expensive silk saree to the bride by very close relatives. Me being the youngest in my family got a lot of expensive ones from my sister, parents, and relatives. I spent another fortune for the blouse and its all of it along with my wedding and reception attire are all missing....other cloths that my WH bought for me and my cosmetics along with some expensive but still unused dresses, branded handbags and silk shawls were also missing too.
But what baffled me were the missing 8 inskirts (which is worn inside practically undergarments to drape a saree) were also missing.I literally threw up feeling disgusted.Everyday i find another thing that is not there and till now the total is around 36.
I feel seems like they went on a mini shopping around my wardrobe and picked up whenever that my mother in law and sister in law liked.
Did anyone had to go thought something like this?
why wont they leave me i want revenge all over again this rage and turmoil of emotions i feel is very hard to take. i feel like i want to destroy both my WS and his OP's life like how they ruined mine.

cannotforgive posted 10/14/2019 04:15 AM

Mooney, they are despicable thieves. You did well to get out of that toxic family who produced a cheater son.

What does your lawyer say about this?

I would give them only one chance-to return everything that is missing that is legally yours or you will go nuclear by exposing them to the whole community.

Give them a couple of days to bring back everything to you and you check that all is there and in good condition in case they do damage to your clothes.

If not nuke them.Actually, get the clothes and nuke them anyway, including his AP.

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 4:20 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

Odonna posted 10/14/2019 08:32 AM

Oh Mooney,

To have clothes gifted to you and that you wore on your body desecrated by these people is beyond despicable. Have your lawyer advise you what legal recourse you have and write immediately to demand the return of all missing possessions.

And realize, too, that this venal act must close the chapter on all your doubts and second-guessing. Can you imagine if these people became the grandparents, aunts and uncles of your children? Channel your anger into determination to walk forward in pride and optimism for the much better future coming your way!

Odonna posted 10/14/2019 14:56 PM

I had another thought.

Write a letter like this:

“Dear In-laws:

I noticed that you did not pack my wedding attire and silk sarees and other expensive clothes in with everything else. Thank you for not crushing them in with the rest. Please contact me to make arrangements for me to retrieve these personal items.

I am glad that we came to a mutually satisfactory agreement on my furniture, which I was happy to sell to you. But my personal garments are not for sale and I need them back now.

Thank you....”

[This message edited by Odonna at 2:56 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 10/14/2019 20:06 PM

This explains why their “golden child son” acts the way he did. He has learned this selfish “I did nothing wrong” attitude from his parents.

Call your lawyer. Have him write a very directly worded letter they have “x” # of days to return your items.

You are lucky to be free from them. The STBXH is a pig. And so is his disgraceful family.

mooney posted 10/16/2019 04:22 AM

You see my mother in law called my lawyer and said she doesn't know about those things and that i took it with me. its been more than 2 weeks and after multiple phone calls asking them to return my stuff yesterday they started a i do not know about those things card now.
This is beyond frustrating. I ant believe i associated with these cheap people.

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