SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

NoOptTo posted 3/18/2019 16:28 PM

Mooney,

Just a thought. Please excuse my lack of knowing the Indian culture too much. But from what I do know, it seems to be a very Male dominated society. I am so glad that you are STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF. A marriage is two people as a partnership. EQUALS!!!

Your WH is not treating you as an equal. He will not be honest with you. He is only looking at how he is perceived in the community with his BW leaving him for his wrong doings.

He says that Jesus forgave sinners. Those sinners were repentant. They were willing to do what was necessary to be forgiven. Your WH what's things on his terms, with no explanation, just to rugsweep it under the carpet and move on as if nothing has happened with him as the leader of the family.

If he truly cared for you, he would be doing things to make you feel safe as a partner. Eg, the list that Steven's n 1st wife gave you. He is showing defiance and his Male ego through his replies with you.

Maybe he just can't get it. It could be a down side from arranged marriages. One has to grow to love the other spouse over time. Finding common ground.

Please continue to value yourself. Stand your ground. Keep your morals and values. If he doesn't show you through his actions that he wants to move heaven and earth to keep, proceed with divorce. If he does finally pull his head out of his ass and starts doing what's needed for your healing, take your time. Watch his actions. Get a post-nup. Then offer reconciliation to him.

Once again, I hope I havent offended with offering my opinion on not fully knowing your culture there.

pureheartkit posted 3/18/2019 19:58 PM

You deserve someone who thinks of you first even before himself and loves you fully, not abused/ enslaved porn women and ex girlfriends.

He chases after things that will never lead to happiness and contentment. He hasn't shown real desire to change yet. Please be cautious.

The1stWife posted 3/18/2019 20:49 PM

Mooney. Has your husband come to visit you at your parents’ home or tried to come see you in Person?

Just wondering.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:30 AM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Buster123 posted 3/18/2019 21:10 PM

Please stop repeating to him what he needs to do, you've told him many times already, he KNOWS what you need him to do but REFUSES to do it. Just file for D and have him served, EXPOSE the A with ALL family and close friends, tell OW's parents.

D takes a long time and if and that's a big if he comes around, shows true remorse, sends an NC FOREVER letter to OW, offers full on demand access to ALL his electronic devices, gets tested for STDs, gives you a detailed timeline of the A, and commits to IC for a long time to find out his "whys", and after at least a few months of therapy, may then and only then should you just CONSIDER giving him the gift of R, or NOT !!! either way you get out of infidelity.

Odonna posted 3/26/2019 11:57 AM

Mooney, how are you doing, Dear?

Odonna posted 4/2/2019 16:05 PM

Mooney, I won't pester you any more, but I do hope you are OK.

I know you were facing an onslaught of manipulation to force you to go back to your WH, and you were resisting with support from your parents, but I worry that you may have succumbed and are now facing a desperate future with more of the same....

Don't feel embarrassed if that is the case; you need your tribe now, and we are it.

PS: I send you a private message.

[This message edited by Odonna at 4:07 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

ShutterHappy posted 4/3/2019 03:36 AM

Mooney,

Your WH husband wants you back because of the shame this situation brings him (me me me). He rug sweeps (forget about it) to hide bad deeds he did (me me me). He feels sad without you (me me me). His family wants you to forget and go back (son, son, son). He doesn’t want IC because that would mean he did something wrong (me me me). He doesn’t want to give you the details of the affair because that would further show his bad behavior (me me me)

Do you notice a pattern?

Notice that many posters said you need to see remorse?

Why?

Remorse is about empathy. It about the BS, not the WS.

But why is empathy important?

Because you don’t want this situation to ever happen again.

Never again.

And it’s much less likely to happen if a Wayward sees and understands how hurtful his/her behavior is. They won’t want to inflict this pain ever again. That is why remorse and empathy is important.

If your WH is all "me me me" and has no empathy, don’t bother. His promises are meaningless. He already told you 3 different stories, lies lies and more lies. Don’t even try to teach him empathy, it has to come from him, you can’t change him.

My suggestion? Like buster said, you already told him your requirements. Refuse to talk to him until he meets them. Go NC, detach and see a lawyer. If he implements your requirements and show remorse, you can stop the D process and consider R. Not before.

Nowandthen posted 4/3/2019 04:50 AM

Mooney are you OK?
We’re all worried about you.

MamaDragon posted 4/4/2019 10:37 AM

Stick to your guns, you just keep telling him that if he wants you back the following needs to happen and then list your demands.

He is pretty embarrassed, especially having to apologize to your parents. In his mind, he has made amends and it is over with. For you, it isn't.

Don't give into him because of social pressure, or parental pressure (his). His parents are embarrassed because he did this, and it hurts their social status. He is in the same boat as them, and if he gets you back it solidifies their standing. (they save face).

Invite him and his parents to your parents home, sit them all down and tell them to not interrupt or say anything until you are done. Tell them exactly what was going on. They may have had a watered down version. Then explain what has to happen for you to consider reconciling. New house or at least a new bedroom & furniture. Complete access to all social media and electronics. A NO CONTACT letter or email, sent to the AP and cc'd to you and your parents. IF something like this happens again tell them you will shout it to the heavens and make their social standing iffy at best (if that would work). That you are to be treated like a queen at all times and any other demands you want. If the above can't be met then you will divorce and they can have the AP as a daughter in law.

See, he couldn't marry her because she would not be socially acceptable for their son. They had to have a nice, upstanding and socially acceptable woman for their son to marry. There refusal to delve any further into his actions are rug sweeping. You coming home is not going to cause them embarrassment - a divorce will though. They are all hoping you will give in and help them rug sweep so they keep their social standing. Show them that you don't care about that and it is all about you now.

(The above is my own humble opinion based off what I have seen in other cultures similar to yours...I might be totally wrong but do not give in and let them rug sweep his deplorable actions)

Marz posted 4/27/2019 01:57 AM

Limbo is a self imposed state. You are the only one that can keep yourself there.

Reconcilliation should never be attempted lightly.

I'm sorry doesn't cut it.

Marz posted 4/27/2019 01:57 AM

Limbo is a self imposed state. You are the only one that can keep yourself there.

Reconcilliation should never be attempted lightly.

I'm sorry doesn't cut it.

Odonna posted 4/27/2019 06:35 AM

Marz, she has not been here for several weeks now. I am worried.

[This message edited by Odonna at 6:35 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

The1stWife posted 4/27/2019 16:28 PM

I’m wondering if she is back w/ her H.

Huge mistake IMO

Odonna posted 4/27/2019 16:39 PM

She never opened the PM I sent her weeks ago, so my guess is she was captured. Makes me really sad. Maybe someday she will escape.

mooney posted 5/13/2019 05:09 AM

@Edie,@NoOptTo,@The1stWife,@pureheartkit,@Buster123,@Odonna,@ShutterHappy,@Nowandthen,@MamaDragon,@Marz

Thank you all for ur love and your kindness toward me.When i came back today to SI I just found that i have an amazing set of people out there, who just care about me and i feel am overwhelming gratitude towards u all for being with me. Irrespective of our differences we all hurt the same and its as simple as that.

@Edie
yes i did read in the Healing Library about the 180.I looked into co-dependant behaviour too. I think irrespective of reading it in words its been hard to carry through. I have stood by it in many aspects and its been a big help. but the truth is when ones heart is involved staying strong 24/7 has been tiring and hard i do slip up some days but then i remember the pain and it kept me going.

@NoOptTo
True it is a very male dominated society.In my situation its like a time bomb.Ones my relatives and people in our society get to know my situation there will be few people who might stand with me, most of them will think i am over reacting and after few months they might expect me to go back.Even women from the older generation r of the mind set that a marriage is forever irrespective of the circumstances.but the younger generation r much open in their thoughts about divorce.But still an affair by men are easily forgiven than by women who r condemned for life.
In my culture marriage is a one time thing. And arranged marriages r very common than love marriages. Irrespective of how u get married the truth is both r virgins and r expected to stay together forever. I have seem people who are blissfully happy as well as miserable in their marriage yet stay together for the rest of their life.My grandparents,parents and my sister also had arranged marriage and are very happy. So it was something that i believed in too.But i am thankful everyday for their support in my situation and their trust in me to decide my future.

@The1stWife
yes, he did come along with his parents once.right off the bat he said lets not discuss the past. I got angry and told him to sit down and u cant leave until u give me an answer(I was asking for the details of the affair).My mother in law got angry with me told i was being disrespectful to her son.At the end of one big shouting match(me doing most of the shouting)he kept quiet and told everyone that i was shouting and he is helpless and didn't know what to do. I can see him putting up the victim act and it sent me into a long suppressed rage and then i knew he is not worth it. He was portraying himself in a good light to others.If i disclose the things i found about his affair he insisted on leaving so i told him to leave.
A week after that by the end of march his sister sent me a long message who vouched for her brother and asked me to forgive him. She later called and said she wanted me to talk to her about how i feel and she said he is not talking with anyone else we r monitoring him and i have to go back to know that he has changed.It the same thing over and over i tried telling her how it affected me as a person but she still insisted i talk with my WH once again and i did talk to him on the phone that night he said he will tell me about the affair.So i asked him why? if he was going to marry me then why did he do this to me? he said that he ended it and then married me but couldn't let go.I couldn't understand that, he broke up with her but still exchanged nude pics the day before our wedding.He was evasive and many things didn't match up,he kept telling i knew everything from his messages(for 15 days everything before that was deleted)and insisted i had to go back to know that he will not contact her,still unwilling to contact the OW. He offered to move into another house and that he would support my studies from his place.He was not willing to go for a proper counselling for his porn addiction.

@pureheartkit
Yes its sadly true too.I have totally known him for a total of 7 months from my wedding to the day i left him.Coming July it will be my first anniversary.Within this on year i have lost so much its suffocating.I have lost my innocence and myself along this struggle.

@Buster123
I have been telling him what he needs to do but he ignores it,so i kept telling until at some point i realized that it has to be his choice and decision i shouldn't be the one asking for it.So after march 28th I completely stopped any kind of communication with him.I don't reply to his sporadic messages or calls.

@Odonna
thankyou for ur support.I didn't come back to SI for the past 2 months because i was relocating. I did a lot of thinking and there were a number of triggers,panic attacks every time i see a missed call from my WH. I wanted to find my inner peace.At this point i didn't like the person who i am turning into,this vengeful,hyper-vigilant,suicidal,angry,depressed,miserable,weak being.This is not me,no i have to go back and find myself and the world outside of this tragedy.I pushed myself to let go of all my emotions and feelings and love for him.I found a middle ground and its hard to wrap around the things that have happened.I go back and keep thinking about what went wrong but its not me it is purely his fault.

@ShutterHappy
To come to terms that he is a very selfish,unremorseful,lying,manipulative PIG in truth, over and over was more shocking and traumatizing. I had to accept that the person who i married is not who i believed him to be.
I have stopped communication.He regrets getting caught and for putting his family in jeopardy but i can't see the remorse in his eyes nor through his actions.so i let it go.

@Nowandthen
thanku.It means a lot.

@MamaDragon
I think i have told him what he needs to do earlier but right now i personally don't care anymore.I dont want to know about the affair either. I feel numb.
We have talked and from my previous posts u can see how that went.last week his mother called one of my family friend (who was not aware of the affair) and discussed about, asking them to advice me to get back with their son.
I did not contact him even on his bday, i truthfully did not want to...
I want to forget that i ever met him.
As u said they want me back for their pure personal gain.His younger sister needs to be married and my absence will affect their social standing during their groom hunting(for lack of better words).

@Marz
yes i know that i have to and i am trying to get out of this state.The real problem is yet to come, nobody knows about his affair, other than our parents once the relatives get to know, then i have to explain and reason with all of them.I am dreading it.

mooney posted 5/13/2019 06:54 AM

Recently i have been spending most of my time with my adorable one year old niece...
My sister was the first person i talked about my affair with,recently she told me that others will expect me to forgive my WH, when they get to know about my situation....they will expect me to give him another chance irrespective of the fact that he is remorseful or not. We were talking about a number of things and i suddenly understood something....

Its actually easy for some one to relate to my WH's affair than with my trauma.Everyone out there has made a mistake at one point or other.Sometimes its a very small thing like taking an extra cookie behind our mothers back or on the other side of the spectrum it could be something huge like killing someone.But from small we have all made mistakes and have often felt guilty of our actions. So when an outsider looks into the issue he /she can easily relate to my WH, its simple, he did something that he should have, not done but now, he is sorry for his actions and is repentant, so its easy to sympathize on his account and understand his guilt.Irrespective of the capacity of the mistake, guilt is universally understood.

Thus when my WH is seen being guilty its easy for others to empathize and feel that I should be able to forgive and accept him. When i am not willing to accept his apology, I am seen as a monster who is not willing to forgive the wrong doer.

Meanwhile trauma is very different and unrelatable. Each of us walk a different path in life and come across different situations that shapes us to be an unique individual.Some might have had a happy childhood while others might have gone through hell at the same time.From childhood trauma,alcoholism,molestation,rape,anger,trust issues etc...and an affair is a trauma that can affect us very differently. Its very different for each of us.The pain and the effect is not something that anyone can easily relate to or empathize on.Its same as how a loss of a child, can not be perceived by someone who has never experienced motherhood and rejoiced in it.

As its easy to relate to guilt and hard to even grasp trauma.....
Suddenly the cause of the affair is forgotten and its effect on me is neglected but the conclusion is drawn based on the understanding of his guilt while my trauma is isolated and ignored.

How do u see this? can u relate to this view????

[This message edited by mooney at 9:11 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

mooney posted 5/13/2019 06:54 AM

[This message edited by mooney at 6:55 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 5/13/2019 06:59 AM

Mooney I’m sorry it has come to this but I am proud of you fir viewing this objectively.

I am American but have many many friends in your culture. I hear and understand their complaints. Of being “less than” and dominated by archaic family rules and a society that does not value women as people but as “chattel”.

I applaud your strength and power. It will serve you well in life.

Your assessment of his sister is spot on - her family is now shamed by her brother’s actions. But not smart enough to know they are enabling him and will continue enabling him and you would never win that fight. You would always be viewed as a troublemaker for standing up for You.

Again sorry it came to this. You will be happy and live a good life because you know and can see how staying with this guy would be a miserable life for you. I bet you are the first person who ever stood up to him.

You rock!!!

You are not suffocating. You are free. Trust me. You will see this soon enough.

Regarding your last post - you are accurate that people MAY view you as being stubborn for “not forgiving him any going back to him”. But - he refused to discuss it or be honest. Porn is an addiction and he refuses help for it. And you know it will always be present in your marriage.

Second - he was not sorry. He pretended he was. He played the victim. He was not a man. He was hiding behind his parents. He did nothing of his own volition. He wanted to ignore his issues, erase his past and control the problem by pretending it did not exist.

And when that doesn’t work for you - his mother tells you that you are being disrespectful. You should have told his mother HE was being disrespectful to you and your family by causing this issue.

You need to stop 🛑 worrying what others think or believe. About you. About the marriage. About your life. His family will lie. They will make things up. Let them. They are shamed right now. They are scrambling to save their precious reputation INSTEAD OF fixing their son’s problem.

When I was forced to face my husband’ Infidelity I could care less what people thought. I’m sure most of my friends would have sided with him in the end - he’s much more popular and social than me. But I did not care. I refused to live with a lying cheating spouse. I live in a very gossipy town. People would love the gossip.

I just did not care. I was beyond it. And you should be too. Yiu are strong. You will forge a new life for you. I believe you will be happy and one day be grateful you are not married to this guy who is a child in a man’s body.

His only concern was getting you back to save face. Not because he was remorseful. And not be because he cared about you. But because he is selfish and egotistical.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:32 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

Stevesn posted 5/13/2019 07:53 AM

Mooney

It is so good to hear from you again.

Know that I and the many here at SI worry about you and hope for you to find happiness again in whatever form works for you.

I also want to recognize how difficult I know it is in your community for you to take the position you have put forward to your WH. It shows great strength on your part and I want to echo others in providing you support.

Many of us come from societies where it is acknowledged that a betrayed spouse has the right and is actually encouraged to leave a cheating spouse, especially if the partner who has had the A will not get professional help for themselves thru therapy that treats the underlying issues of cheating.

You are right to want this from your H before making any decisions of reconciliation with him.

So I encourage you to stay in this path, knowing full well that it is even more difficult for you than most BS’s to stay on that course.

I also recommend you be succinct and clear to any and all who question your decisions. An example would be:

“My husband chose another woman as a lover over me. I understand he made an awful choice and regrets it, but what is unforgivable to me is that he is unwilling to discuss and reveal to me what he did and even worse, he will not get professional help to address the issues that caused him to follow this painful path.

I could consider trying again if he would do those things. But he refuses to and I cannot ever live with someone like that. “

As you say, Many in your society will not comprehend that position. But some will, and change starts with a single person.

I admire your strong will.

Please keep posting here as you will get the support you need.

Where are you in the divorce process? If I remember there was something like a 1 year waiting period.

I wish you continued strength.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:54 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

Odonna posted 5/19/2019 14:54 PM

Hi Mooney! How are you doing? Are your parents and sister still supporting you? Where did you relocate to (in terms of distance from parents and WH) and do you have a good support network? Are you working or in school? Are you living alone, and if so how does that feel to you?

The more you share with us the better we can help. I am always astonished when someone shares what seems to be a very unique situation, and lo and behold someone posts how they have experienced something similar. We do not have a lot of BSs in arranged marriages, but you may be surprised...