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In a Limbo

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Odonna posted 5/28/2019 06:08 AM

How are you doing, Mooney?

mooney posted 6/23/2019 04:33 AM

From my previous posts u all might know that i have left my WH. Now i live alone. I have not started the D proceedings yet. I ignored his calls and messages (7 calls and around 15 messages asking me to pick up) in the past 3 months. Then after his cousins wedding a month ago (may 23rd) he has not tried to contact me.His parents called mine and asked them to advice me to reconcile with him. Now its come down to my decision and they are asking for an answer is it R or D???
In comparison to many of your situation with multiple PA my WH's EA might seems like nothing much.But he is not remorseful towards the pain he has put me through at all.I tried in the beginning to understand him and asked him to go for IC, but now i don't even want to know the details of their affair.I went to IC and my therapist was a wonderful women who was patient with me and it helped a lot to overcome my panic attacks.
Its clear from his reactions and his response to me after confrontation that he is not interested in getting me back. His efforts are to portray that he is good in the eyed of his parents,relatives and the society. He will not initiate the D so its me who has to decide.
My head is clear yet my heart hurts (pathetic)....i know....
Just because i am pushed to make the decision for D am i the one giving up on our marriage??

I cant go back to my WH who felt that i was not enough when i was giving him my 100%.Its all so complicated that i have given up on figuring it out. All of a sudden now i am the bad person here cause i want to D.He actually got off with no damage at all, with people asking me to forgive him just this one time.
How can i? when i don't even know why he did what he did?cant they see that its his actions that has pushed me to make this decision???
Its so unfair!! now my heart is heavy and its getting harder and harder to keep going...

fareast posted 6/23/2019 05:02 AM

Sorry you are going through this Mooney. This is pretty typical cheater behavior. Destroy the M, remain unremorseful and blame the BS for ending the M. But you know the truth and you are the only one who counts. You are doing the right thing for your life. The only person you have to please is the one you see in the mirror. Don’t worry about the rest of them. Hold your head up. Your WH is a coward. Good luck.

Booyah posted 6/23/2019 14:10 PM

Mooney I just wanted to say how proud I am of you!!

You're dealing with some major shit, and despite it all you're doing great. Don't let ANYONE pressure you. Follow what your TRUTH is and what's in your best interest.

I hope you know this, but you are one TOUGH lady!!!

God bless you!

The1stWife posted 6/23/2019 16:12 PM

Mooney I’m sorry you have ended up in this mess with your cheating H.

My H too wanted a D but would not take the steps to do anything about it (during his Affair). He kept saying he wanted a Divorce but yet did nothing. I think he was waiting for me to take those steps. Coward.

I also believe from what you described that your spouse is lazy. He cheats. Does nothing. Wants YOU to Reconcile but HE does nothing to facilitate Reconciliation.

His actions telegraph DIVORCE in my opinion. If you start the divorce proceedings he can then say “she divorced me - I was still willing to stay married”. So he is trying to make it work for him. As in “it’s not my fault we are getting a D”.

Those are the lies he will continue to tell himself - nothing is his fault, he did nothing wrong, blah blah blah. My H had a 4 year EA 20+ years ago. No remorse. Would not admit it was an affair. Stonewalled me. Would never discuss. It finally was completely rugswept by us. Because he would never discuss or admit it.

He then had a second Affair b/c he got away with the first one. Looking back I should have D him after the first Affair. Because he was cocky and figured out I would not D him after the second Affair.

He thought I would continue to be a doormat. Big surprise when I told him I was D him and he needed to leave. He was the one blindsided!!

Do not be like me and think he will change if you stay married to him. He will not. And right now his refusal to do anything to reconcile shows you what your future will look like if you stay with him. It’s all about him.

How sad 😞- he’s just too blind to see what he is giving up. He thinks you won’t actually leave him. Don’t settle for anything but what you deserve and what you need to heal from his Affair.

And just know if he has no remorse it is likely he will cheat again.

The1stWife posted 6/23/2019 16:18 PM

And BTW - you should call his parents and be honest.

Tell them you would love to reconcile but you have asked for certain things to repair the marriage but their “Golden child” has refused, so you are left with no choice but to move forward in your life without him.

Tell them you are sorry it has come to this and you have nothing more to say. If they want details they should ask their son.

End of conversation. Polite but honest. No emotion. Just the facts of the situation.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:33 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

Robert22205https posted 6/23/2019 16:41 PM

I support you a 100%.

Perhaps you should phrase your decision to divorce in terms his/your family can better relate to.

I assume that marriage in your culture includes the expectation to have children.

Whenever challenged just repeat:

His behavior with the X has shown him to be a weak immoral man with deficient core 'family' values; and when caught 'a selfish, deceitful bully' - which together makes him unfit to be a role model to children.

Other than empty words/promises, he has done nothing to make himself a trustworthy husband or a good role model for children.

Therefore, you are divorcing him because both you and your future children (their grand children) deserve better than 'him'.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:41 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

doggiediva posted 6/23/2019 17:25 PM

I am proud of you too, Moony..
Marriage and life is hard enough when both partners are all in and on the same page..
It is not fair or right that you should resign yourself to marriage with somebody two faced, somebody who cheats on the side..
And what he does is definitely cheating, and you already have plenty of evidence..
I’m glad you’ve left him and have made your intent known, so that it can’t be seen in the eyes of the courts that you’ve reconciled..I hope your finances are separate from his too..
Don’t let any family pressure you into making any big decisions, your health, mental wellbeing take priority over extended familie’s concerns about appearances to others..

nekonamida posted 6/23/2019 17:27 PM

There are two things that you can say to anyone who asks you to forgive him. Ask them how you forgive someone who isn't sorry and hasn't asked for your forgiveness and why should you when he's still with the OW. Sure, you don't know with complete certainty that he's still talking to her but if marrying you didn't stop it, why would he give her up while separated? It explains why he won't put in the effort because he doesn't need to when he has the OW to fall back on. It's not your responsibility to prove that he's still seeing her. It's his responsibility to prove it so don't think twice about throwing it out there that forgiveness is not possible while he's still doing what he needs to be forgiven for.

Odonna posted 6/23/2019 17:57 PM

Sweet Mooney,

Normally I recommend this book for a BS to read and then share with WS, but in this case I recommend to you and your parents:

“How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda Macdonald. It is short and free in pdf on-line. It is a powerful guide as to what a truly remorseful Spouse who wants to re-build a marriage looks like. You know that the “R” option he offers you is NOT “reconciliation,” but rather “rug-sweeping.” You need some support for your insistence that this is not going to work. The book will give you lots of confidence in your demands. It will help your parents support you also, especially as you are swimming upstream from your culture’s expectations. If you want you can send it to him too, with an inscription something like this: “If you truly love me show me by your actions. This book is your guide.”

Keep sharing with us please; many here care for you!

[This message edited by Odonna at 6:00 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

Krieger posted 6/23/2019 18:23 PM

Mooney, the whole premise of forgiveness is based on the offender being contrite. Your WH wants a 2d chance to save face, not because he is sorry for what he has done. If he was truly sorry, he would be willing to do the things you have requested, such as counseling. So there is really nothing to forgive. Additionally, I am not even sure he even understand what he has done, as if he entitled to have a one off here. I bet they would have all changed their tune if it had been you that was the offender. I doubt they would have been so eager to reconcile.

k8la posted 6/23/2019 18:32 PM

Mooney - I'd suggest an annulment. It carries a different weight than divorce. And it may neutralize his attempt to put all fault on you.

India law does provide for Annulment as an option. Annulment is a legal procedure for undoing a marriage by declaring it null and void. The main difference between annulment and divorce is that an annulment says that the marriage never really happened.

Because he never behaved as a married man, I think your situation qualifies.

Stevesn posted 6/23/2019 23:14 PM

I am so glad to hear from you Mooney. We worry about you.

We all know you are NOT the one to cause the D, and hopefully you do to. I am sorry that society there is such that they expect you to simply go back to your M without any work by your WH to figure out why he did such a thing and without taking any steps to make you feel safe in your own marriage.

But you know if you simply did that you would never feel safe again. Or loved.

I also am proud of your fortitude that you have exhibited.

I feel that there must be women there of your generation that support you, and how you are handling this, even if they cannot do so openly.

Hold your head high as you start the D process (as he is too fearful a man to do it himself) and find your path to a happy life with someone else who will value your love back the same as you give to them.

Please let us know how you are doing as often as possible and let us know if we can be of any help as you go thru this process.

I hope your parents continue to support you going forward.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:16 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

Odonna posted 7/3/2019 16:26 PM

Sweet Mooney! How are you doing?

anoldlion posted 7/4/2019 00:26 AM

I am sorry things didn't work out for you. I think you did what was best for you. Not all men are cheaters. You will find one who loves you and only you. I do wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 12:39 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]

mooney posted 7/13/2019 04:01 AM

Today is my first wedding Anniversary....
Desperately in need of some comfort...

I consulted my lawyer and they are saying that I have to wait for a minimum of 2 years to even appeal for a consensual divorce.If i am going to contest them Its going to take 5-8 years to get it done with and as he did not have intercourse with her its not even going to be considered adultery by the law. All i can say is Christian Marriage Act in India is very hard to get out of.For Hindu Marriages it takes 1 year of waiting and then a 6 months of cooling period and then its over but i have to wait and waste 2.5 years to get of a marriage in which i stayed with him for only 6 months....

I feel so down today....the future seems so uncertain and today he texted me "Happy Anniversary" and put up around 20 pics of both of us looking happy in his whatsapp status like nothing has changed. this is so frustrating....His cousins and friends are wishing me a happy life and here i am feeling like completely destroyed...

mooney posted 7/13/2019 04:01 AM

[This message edited by mooney at 4:03 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]

ShutterHappy posted 7/13/2019 05:36 AM

Send a note to his cousins and friends that you refuse to be married to a man that cheats on you, and will be cutting contacts to all of his friends and family.

Then block them all. All his friends and family, and you WH as well.

squid posted 7/13/2019 06:05 AM

I'm very sorry, Mooney.

I can't imagine having to wait so long with such a weight tied around your neck. Sending you strength and hugs.

squid posted 7/13/2019 06:06 AM

Duplicate post

[This message edited by squid at 6:06 AM, July 13th, 2019 (Saturday)]

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