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Not Just Friends

Niceguy25 posted 6/29/2019 13:14 PM

I think I have read nearly every book written in the last 20 years on the subject of infidelity trying to understand how my WS could meet and bed a total stranger after 13 years of marriage, a faith filled life, 7 pregnancies, and ever lasting love from me. This book, by Shirley Glass, provided more insight, more answers and more guidance than all the others put together. I have read it multiple times. I gave it to my wife and asked her to read it. Its now been nearly 4 months and every time I mention it to her, she reads a couple of pages and then tells me how "wrong" it all is. I gave it to our therapist and his response was, "She is ashamed, embarrassed, and unable of admitting to herself that the truth of the affair may be something that even she does not understand." She says she never LOVED him, never wanted sex with him, never intended for it to go one so long and knew after the first time they fucked that she was in over her head. That didn't stop it from continuing for a year sexually, and 3 more years emotionally. I seek understanding and reconciliation but it escapes me.

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 6:19 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

Maisindu posted 7/3/2019 20:19 PM

Totally agree with you. This is one of the books that helped me understand the whole Ana dynamics.
As a matter of fact I just recommended it to a psychology student who thinks a spouse/partner can have opposite sex friends freely and hang with them freely... the things one learns that begins this awful roller-coaster from he'll.

Niceguy25 posted 7/10/2019 19:45 PM

I gave this book to my WW to read and she HATES it and cannot criticize it enough. I keep saying, itís this book or Iím out of here. I asked her to read and reflect on Chap. 8 this past week and based on her response, I know she recognized herself for the first time. Baby Steps.

Goldie78 posted 7/12/2019 06:50 AM

I also read so many books. I finally stopped because I realized I would never find the answer to why someone (aka husband) who said loved me, made vows would be willing to hurt me so much and carry on with other women for so many years.

That being said, he did read chatting or cheating by Sheri Myers, which felt to me when I read it like Not Just Friends the cliff notes version. Itís a much quicker read and not so deep. As a BS I started to read Not Just Friends close to Dday and it was too much for me to handle. I did read it months later and I agree with you it is a great book.

If I could pick any book for my WH to read it would be Healing from Infidelity by Michele Weiner-Davis. That might make an interesting forum topic what book would you like your WS to read.

gmc94 posted 7/12/2019 17:39 PM

NJF was the 2nd (I think) infidelity book I read (first was Esther Perel, and I'll avoid my soap box on her POS "ideas" ). After that, I read TONS - probably have 20+ on the shelf. I avoided things others said may be wayward apologist.
And at the end of the day, and despite its age, Not Just Friends is still my #1.

Unfortunately, she passed away in 2003, less than a year after NJF was published (and after 11yr breast cancer fight). It's sad to think of all the amazing research she could have done had she lived longer.

Interesting fact: her son is Ira Glass, from NPR's This American Life (I'm a huge fan of his).
Shirley was referred to as the "godmother of infidelity".

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:39 PM, July 12th, 2019 (Friday)]

Niceguy25 posted 7/12/2019 17:43 PM

I have asked her repeatedly that read ďNot Just From FriendsĒ but she is very resistant and dismissive of the information.

Michigan posted 7/14/2019 16:09 PM

My Sister in Law, her Sister, introduced them and having had a relationship with him, she covered up for and assisted in the deception with me.


I have asked her repeatedly that read ďNot Just From FriendsĒ but she is very resistant and dismissive of the information.


From your wifeís behavior itís very clear to me that she just doesnít view her affair as being a big deal. Her sister obviously didnít see anything wrong with it.

She may understand your being devastated on an intellectual level but not on a gut level.

The analogy I use is someone growing up where everyone ate pork. Then they convert to a religion where itís a sin. If they get caught enjoying some bacon they may regret because it hurts those around them or it causes them trouble. But they are NEVER going to be repulsed by eating bacon.

ďIt was just bacon, get over itĒ

For 25 years post the A, I thought we were recovered until she reached out to him again "but doesn't know why." I think I know why.


This is what would bother me the most. After all the damage this has caused your marriage she at least still has fond memories of him as a friend.

hdybrh posted 7/16/2019 11:11 AM

It's interesting... I think it's a great book too but it's also a long book. If I had one criticism, it's a bit dated but certainly still really relevant.

My WS read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair and zipped through it. Not just Friends was much harder for her to get through. Not that she disagreed with it, but similarly she'd read a few pages and it would bring on tears and she'd put it down. Because it speaks truths that are hard for a WS to hear... but her book is based on research and a career of experience. It's hardly "wrong" when backed up as thoroughly as it is.

It would be interesting to dig into what she thinks is "wrong." "That's interesting, what did you think was wrong about what she said?" It may open up discussions to get to the real issues. And there may be more common ground found in the book than she'd like to admit.

But as it has been said many times you both need to be all in on the work of healing and repairing the M. Not reading the book is a sign that she's not all in.

LightningCrashes posted 7/20/2019 20:21 PM

Not Just Friends is one of the best books for my situation also. My wife did not read it but I marked it up and highlighted it and read it thoroughly.

My wife was "just friends" with a man 18 years older than her. You guessed it, talking led to sex led to her leaving me for him. They live together now. But I was an old-fashioned fuddy duddy for suggesting it was harmful to our marriage to be "just friends" with the opposite sex.

WTFOVER posted 7/26/2019 01:46 AM

Not just friends was a great book ... I really enjoyed it. My #1 however is "How to help your Spouse heal from an affair." Quick easy read with tons of relevant information for the WS.

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