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12 Damn years later and I am back. - Need advice about my Teen

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uddup posted 8/16/2019 17:59 PM

@gmc94. Thank-you for your thoughts and prayers.

It's funny how total strangers embroiled in a common battle will come together.

I do think the diagnosis is accurate. As is the entitled asshole lable.

Either way or whatever it is, I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't cure it. This frees me from my own personal hell.

AmIAnIdiot15 posted 8/16/2019 18:27 PM

A simple "your Mother was unfaithful, we are unable to stay married" is sufficient.

And then - and this will be the hard part - don't say any more negative things about her. She's still their Mom. They will figure out on their own who she is, but it's important that YOU are their Dad and their safe space.

Trashing their Mom does nothing good for anyone.


Hang in there. And enjoy your new freedom.

edit: Somehow I missed ibonnie's post on the first skim through. That's it 100%!

[This message edited by AmIAnIdiot15 at 6:28 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

nekonamida posted 8/16/2019 18:43 PM

GMC, I believe that so much! It's like so many of us believe if we can just name the pathology, it will hurt less and our WSes can magically be cured.

I'm glad I didn't have the chance to get caught up in it when I was still with XWBF but I did read a litany of books on personality disorders after the break up and I could never quite put my finger on what exactly was wrong with him specifically. Narc tendencies, KISA, controlling, emotionally abusive, yes but never a specific disorder itself. Garden variety asshole is perfectly accurate already.

Jameson1977 posted 8/16/2019 18:44 PM

I can only imagine, your anxiety must be off the charts.

I had to sit for 6 hours waiting for my WW to get home so I could confront her. There is no way I could be one of the really strong BS's that fake it, gather evidence, see lawyers, then confront. I wear my heart on my sleeve, no way I could keep this information to myself.

Your kids are old enough to hear the truth, "Your mother has decided to have
inappropriate relationships outside of marriage and I cannot be a part of it". Not much more to say other than it doesnt have anything to do with them or anything they did, and that you both love them. "Kids" are far more resilient than we give them credit for.

Dont get into the alcohol, made that mistake too. I wish you well brother.

Jameson1977 posted 8/16/2019 18:54 PM

uddup, I wanted to add something.

I think others have brought it up too. This friend that informed you sounds fishy as f#ck. Why would she be talking to him about this? Then for him to call and ask leading questions like he did. He might have been involved with your WW and he's moving first to sound more credible.

It just didnt sound right to me, something's not right. Although, none of this is right.

firenze posted 8/16/2019 19:48 PM

I cannot believe how many SI "vets" have returned because of false R after 10+ years.

There's a very good reason why I think D is the right call in 90% of cases. Most waywards simply do not have what it takes to become decent and trustworthy human beings.

uddup posted 8/16/2019 20:00 PM

@firenze Consider this... I divorced her 15 years ago. 50/50 custody. AP is in the picture for what? A year maybe 3. Then another affair and a new man. Then another and another and so on.

What would my children have learned? What would have become of them?

This was not your "normal" or maybe average affair. This was/is a continuous pattern of cycling men in and out of her life.

Fast forward to today in this reality...the kids have had a good life (we are both experts at compartmentalizing) They have grown up in a safe and loving home. Grandparents, family vacations, us there together for all their special times. No other man or men have raised them or damages them or worse.

I can't predict what would have happened if we divorces but given everything this was their best outcome.

Maybe I'm wrong, I dont know but I think this gave them the best chance.

Just something to consider.

fareast posted 8/16/2019 20:14 PM


Many do stay in a M for that very reason. You thought this through and as a result your children have been raised in a stable environment. You are to be commended for your commitment and devotion to your children. I hope they appreciate you. Hopefully your home life was not filled with vitriol as a result of your WWs infidelity during this time. You do not mention it. Sometimes if the home life is filled with conflict staying in the M for the children is not the best course.

Good luck as you move forward.

uddup posted 8/16/2019 20:28 PM

@farest. Thanks for your kind words. Things were good at home. Good enough to even fool me. Maybe not perfect but who is but quite good.

firenze posted 8/16/2019 20:32 PM

Personally, I'm awful at compartmentalizing. I've always been the type to just put it all out there and one thing I've never been accused of is being hard to read or passive-aggressive. My marriage was going to end whether I liked it or not, but even if I'd had a say in the matter there was no way I'd be able to seal off that kind of pain and rage and grief and play house with the woman who took a chainsaw to my life and try to trick my daughter into believing that things were hunky-dory. I just don't have it in me to play pretend like that.

As for your hypothetical scenario, that's a very real possibility for my daughter and my exWW. She married the man she cheated on me with, and by all accounts their marriage is far from healthy (surprise sur-fucking-prise). They probably won't last, and there's a very real possibility of a revolving door of men coming in and out of my daughter's life via my ex. I hate the idea of that, and in fact it's the sole reason I hope their marriage lasts until my daughter is at least done with high school. However, I also know that it would've been terrible for her if I'd resigned myself to a broken marriage with someone I could hardly tolerate the sight of.

There's also the fact that I don't really believe in living a child-centric life. I love my daughter to death, I'd take a bullet for her without hesitation, but she is not my world. She's a very important part of it, but I do not live for her and there was no way I was going to resign myself to over a decade of daily torment for the sake of creating the illusion of a stable, happy home. I also like to believe that she's got enough smarts that she'd see through that bullshit sooner rather than later.

What I do know, however, is that being divorced hasn't stopped my daughter from going to a good school. It hasn't stopped her from having friends. It hasn't impacted the financial quality of her life. She gets to spend half her time in a home that's free of liars and snakes, and she gets a father who actually enjoys his life and who gets to be a father without being undermined by her mother at every turn.

Most of all though, it's honest. I've always hated lies and deception and after having been cheated on for a year and left, I hate them all the more. One day, when she's old enough to comprehend, my daughter will know the full truth about why her parents split up, how her stepfather came into her life, and the circumstances under which her half-brother was born. When that day comes, she'll know that rather than constructing an illusion and pretending reality wasn't what it was, that her father stood up for himself, made the truth known to the world, and walked away from a POS cheater without a second glance. That's the kind of woman I want her to be. I want her to be someone who's honest and strong, someone who takes no shit and who doesn't associate with scum.

[This message edited by firenze at 8:37 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

uddup posted 8/16/2019 21:00 PM

@firenze We all have our own shit to deal with and each situation has all their own complexities and we do so with the best of our abilities.

No time to debate one course of action over another.

I'm landing and heading to my own storm.

[This message edited by uddup at 6:05 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Jameson1977 posted 8/16/2019 23:07 PM

Best of luck man.

Dragonfly123 posted 8/17/2019 01:56 AM

Uddap, Im just so sorry youre dealing with this.

Your ability to put whats best for your children at the forefront of your mind, moving forward and in your reflections of the past 12 years shows you to be a wonderful father. Age appropriate honesty at all tImes is the rule I live by.

Im thinking of you as you deal with your shit storm over the next few days.

You have a huge community behind you.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 1:57 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Sunny69 posted 8/17/2019 05:12 AM


Wishing you hugs and strength at this terrible time.

Hope it all goes as well as you can hope for.

gmc94 posted 8/17/2019 11:56 AM

Thinking of you today.

hedothprotest posted 8/17/2019 12:03 PM

I'm very sorry you've been going through this. It sounds like you're keeping a good sense of humor, though, somehow which will help you make it. I have two things I want to mention.
1) I agree that your friend is not a friend. While it is good he gave you the information, it does sound like he had some sort of involvement with her. Also was he aware that you would be getting on a plane when he texted you? My guess is yes if your wife had been giving him details about your life. If he did know, that indicates that he might have a high level of resentment towards you, because he knew he what torture it would be to hear that news on such a restrained environment. I mention this because I am ashamed to say at one point in my life I had some shocking information for a "friend" who I was secretly angry at, and I considered telling her before she got on the plane. I knew that would be the most hurtful way to tell her. I decided not to, but it is almost certainly a passive aggressive move designed to hurt you. I'd be wary of him.
2) Your kids will be okay.I work with 14 to 18 year-olds every day. I think that the closer students get to their senior year, the more emotionally stable they have become. By the time they are seniors, most of them really are young adults who are ready to be out in the world by that point. They will be sad, and they will struggle, but you have already given them enough time to have the coping tools they will need to get through this. Although it is terrible that it took this long to find out, I totally agree that it bought you some time with the children to help them get through those difficult early high school years. Watching a child go through this at 14 is a totally different thing than it is at 18. There is already so much instability and social soul-searching that happens during those younger years. They've gotten through that and honestly, their eyes are on the horizon in their future. It will not have the same impact upon them as if you told them when they were 12 or 13, trust me. And from my experience with my students, they find a way to repair the relationship with the wayward parent. It's never the pure idealized love that they had before, but of the 10 or 15 kids I've known who've talked to me about this situation, all of them eventually found a way to come to terms with the fact that parents aren't perfect. I just tell you this so you don't have the additional stress of having to worry about them being as permanently impacted as you worry they will be.
Good luck whatever you decide!

[This message edited by hedothprotest at 5:28 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Western posted 8/17/2019 22:16 PM

no fault laws are disgusting

Marz posted 8/17/2019 22:23 PM

Good luck

Butforthegrace posted 8/19/2019 10:13 AM

How did the confrontation go?

Ganondorf posted 8/19/2019 10:46 AM

Hope everything is going well.

As mentioned no fault seems shitty.

and +1 at the fishy friend. I immediately asked myself if he was the 4th one.

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