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Thankfully the OW was classless or I think I’d be without a M

ann1960 posted 8/14/2019 00:52 AM

Basically she hunted fwh down though the Internet, made a desperate phone call on his birthday (that was the excuse) invited him over after a brief conversation of sexy talk, straight to the bedroom they went. She was his sex toy. Yes his penis, ego and low self esteem got pumped up.

If she had been a class act and did exactly the opposite after the happy birthday conversation I believe I would be without a husband. My husband and I were in a tolerant marriage with no sex/affection/touching/talking or intimacy for years.

Even though I did not know he was ready to divorce, would have been nice to know, she knew. Thankfully she’s a slutty piece of garbage, who wanted gusto sex, was willing to take the sloppy seconds, be hidden, when professed her love to him accepted the disappointment that he did not return those feelings,lived through the painful stories of how professionally successful I am, yes apparently my husband would brag about me. I guess he didn’t want to look totally stupid for being married to me.

If she had been a self assured woman, not rushed into sex like a whore, cut him off the minute she saw he wasn’t serious about leaving the marriage, offered her services to assist with a divorce and a place to live I think he would have left. She quickly became his tool for sex and entertainment....until he got caught, 2.5 years later.

I am happy to report we have worked though a lot of stuff. It’s been really hard. I did not think my marriage was going to make it though the year.

Lisa? She’s still pining away. 40+ years now. She’s on match still looking. Still slutt’in it at 58 yo. Oh and on match she says and I quote, “I practice honestly, loyalty and integrity...looking fir someone who can say the same.”

Wintergarden posted 8/14/2019 02:06 AM

I was talking to a friend who is a beautician, thus sees and knows a lot of women, and she told me she knows plenty of single women who lie, in any way shape or form, to get the man because they are so lonely, and it would seem the older they get the more desperate they get.

It's scary. But I like the post that says they always affair down. We do have to hold on to that. None of it makes any sense.

sassylee posted 8/14/2019 09:25 AM

A reminder of the forum description:

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories, and triggers while trying to reconcile. There is to be no name calling in this forum. Venting is to be limited to you and/or your partner.

~Ann1960 - you have a pm~

SI Staff posted 8/14/2019 21:17 PM

   Moving to General

OwningItNow posted 8/15/2019 02:26 AM

Thankfully the OW was classless or I think I’d be without a M

So you got lucky? Dumb luck to get a classless OW doesn't seem like a great way to keep an M. What if his next OW is not classless? He will D you?

Maybe your H has some work to do instead of hoping he keeps choosing badly?

I know your WH switched jobs, but what other work has he done? IC? Reading? Comforting you? Does he let you talk about it whenever you want? Is he defensive or does he accept your rage and listen?

You have started many threads about the OW. As you are still under a year from dday but posting on IG and here about your happy marriage, your brand new dream home, and how you are having the time of your life, it really seems as if you have a huge amount of hurt and rage that you have not processed with your H, instead honeymooning him back into the M. That inner rage is keeping the OW front and center in your mind and torturing you. You cannot skip over this anger with your H with vow renewals and fancy vacations and new homes. He deserves to suffer and needs to do the work to be a safe partner. The Pick Me dance offers no safety and makes it easy for him to slip back as soon as the shine is off your new floors.

At a certain point, your mind will most likely feel comfortable putting the anger where it belongs, on your WH. And the processing of that anger will begin in earnest. The processing of the anger is a test, a test of safety and vulnerability. When he accepts your anger and hurt and works very hard, the safety is gradually built again. And when you feel safer, the OW will get out of your head.

This OW needs to become irrelevant for your sanity. You don't want her to stay in your life, do? Otherwise, what was the point of moving several states away? At under a year from dday, it is normal to be riding that rollercoaster. So maybe it's time to put more of that work back on your H. It will make you feel better.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 2:33 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

cancuncrushed posted 8/15/2019 10:21 AM

I agree with owning....this had nothing to do with OW....this is your spouse....if she is classless....what is he? he chose share him with classless....what does that mean?

MY XWH slept with many....As he aged, as his alcoholism grew, the worse they were....

HE had several large issues....and class had nothing to do with it..

His mental illness, his addictions....make it easier for me to handle the rejection...humiliation...the low self esteem...there were serious issues with him......

IT took many years to get to this point...I didn't know these issues....I was a wife cheated on...for no reason....for many was was I know different...its still painful...sad and uncomfortable.

Ow WAS 20 years younger...attractive...successful career...she was a major threat to me. The last OW was...…..classless...severely..

It was all him....these were his choices...why was this what he wanted? why was I not? this is all inside him.

IT doesn't matter who she is...what she looks like...what her career is or isn' makes you feel something....but its not the cause.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:29 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

The1stWife posted 8/15/2019 18:09 PM

I’m sorry but it does make us BS feel better when the AP is classless or dumb or whatever .........just not as good as the spouse.

Human nature.

I hated all 30 year olds for awhile. I got over it.

OwningItNow posted 8/15/2019 19:42 PM

I’m sorry but it does make us BS feel better when the AP is classless

For sure.

1. But to say that is the only reason your WH stayed? I don't know where to begin with that. It's a backhanded compliment at best and an insult at worst. There should be a gazillion other reasons or your WH should be gone from your life! He's untrustworthy!
2. I am concerned because every thread she has started in the last ten months is about the OW being the problem. Meanwhile, the marriage is better than ever. In the first ten months???? That is not even possible if you are both doing the work that is required.

Just like to see everyone stay on the right track for the best outcome, and minimizing or rugsweeping is not the right track for reconciliation imo.

Eta: this is an old girlfriend that he was besties with for many years. There is a lot to recover from before he will be "safe" again.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:48 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

OwningItNow posted 8/15/2019 19:44 PM

But OW = classless by default. Without question.

20yrsagoBS posted 8/15/2019 19:47 PM

I actually pity my husband for only scoring DAMN ugly OWs

Where are they now? What happened to true love?

crazyblindsided posted 8/15/2019 20:07 PM

I think my WS is as classless as the MOW for how they both mocked me and not only laughed at me to my face but also behind my back. There is NO CLASS in having an A.

OwningItNow posted 8/15/2019 20:28 PM

^^^ Truth.

Dragonfly123 posted 8/16/2019 01:21 AM

I think I get what you’re trying to say here Ann. I think you’re trying to say that your marriage was so vulnerable (sexless, affectionless) that if she’d ‘played it’ better it could have been the wedge needed for divorce.

The problem with your thinking (that OIN and Cancun are picking up on) is that your narrative puts the OW in the driving seat of the affair and your husband as the weak willed, poor friendless, vulnerable man who was controlled.

I think at some point we all have to face the fact that regardless of whether our WS were declaring love, or avoiding it they were giving another person ‘enough’ to keep them hooked and interested. They were manipulating each other. Your husband was manipulating and hurting this woman for his own gain. Her fault, I get that, but he was still doing it.

Believe you and me Ann, I still stare at pictures of my WHs AP (often boob shots, yep classless) on her Instagram and loath her with all I have. I wouldn’t pour water on her if she was on fire. She did and said some terrible things. She hurt three innocent people by her actions. (I’m the poster girl for AP bashing).

But and there’s a huge BUT, my WH hurt innocent people too, he was as responsible for their narrative as she was. He manipulated her for his gain and that’s not nice (and that’s aside from whether she deserved it). That is something he will have to live with alongside the larger issues he is tackling.

What is your husband doing to truly work on his whys? There were a number of choices he could have made in light of your marriage difficulties, why did he make such a series of devastating ones?

ann1960 posted 8/16/2019 09:49 AM

First, I am a very grateful to the people who replied. Thank you. Everyone lives a busy life so to take out time to reply means a lot. Lots of good advice.

To clarify since I’m not the best writer, my Husband is 💯 % responsible for this affair. Not me, not the OW...HIM. I take responsibility for lack of communication and being part of the problem to a bad marriage.

Has he done the work? Some. We have gone though tremendous change since January and have had to cut back in counseling because of our move and new job. We both carry an insane amount of professional burden, by our own doing, and we both are trying to change that but it takes time. He is listening and comforting most of the time.

Have I allowed him to walk all over me? Yep. I will never understand my behavior over the past year. Really strong in so many ways except dealing with his A. Have I done the work? I plead the 5th. I probably am taking the path of least resistance for now. My priorities have been getting us/ family moved and making changes to lessen our load so we could have more time to spend together and work on me/us. We are approaching that goal. It took nearly a year to pull roots and change what we were familiar with.

So after discovery of the A and him immediately writing the no contact letter and living by it was to examine what went wrong. His hours and avoidance of home and family needed to be modified. So he took a new job after 35 years and is now working less, getting more rest and spending time with me. This in itself was no easy task especially when you factor in his career choice and age. His hours are less and I see him every day giving us a connection that was absent in the past.

We are both people who are almost incapable of intimacy therefore seemingly in the past a perfect match. Both experienced trauma in childhood and our way of coping was through avoiding the real world by hard work and hopefully success. You’d think with professional kudos it would fix self esteem issues, it doesn’t. In our case it drove us to even work harder. If you were wondering if we were competitive against each other, the answer is no. Never. Very supportive of each other’s career. Before the A wake up call of what a train wreck we had going we thought the more security we had the better life would be. It is not true. Balance is key.

Yes I need to let go of the OW. Working on that. This is why I am more frequently writing about her on SI. In a few days it will be our DDay anniversary. I was hoping I could purge her and fresh start the next day. That is my goal.

*When I said I was LUCKY I was bring facetious. There is no OW that is the lucky one for the BS.
*Has my husband suffered any loss? Yes I do believe he has. He says he has. He says he is NOT taking the path of least resistance, divorce would be easier.
*Posting here I’m completely authentic, completely truthful. My IG account is my fake life. I have 50,000 followers, they are not my friends, it’s based around marketing. I’m public, I believe the OW views my postings so I have posted more about my personal life.
*yes I believe my husband would have left me for her had she been a better person. It was the low point of our marriage, he was lonely, I basically did not like him, etc. right timing. So key for us is to make sure we have a marriage that communicates and is basically happy.

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