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Caught Her By Accident

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BeyondRage posted 9/1/2019 18:07 PM

Guess I will give this a shot without writing a book. I am sure I will leave out some stuff, but I am so angry it is hard to think straight.

Married 25 years, four daughters. Met my wife in college at a large state university where we were both student athletes. So sports has always been a big part of our lives and our children.

My wife was a track athlete and has continued running until this day. I thought it was great even though raising teenage girls the last few years is a career in itself and any of you with a houseful of them know exactly what I am talking about.

Two years ago when our youngest got her drivers license, my wife wanted to go back to work, and I of course encouraged her. She works for a major medical company as a sales representative and travels by automobile out of town about three nights a month. I have a pretty high up position with a Fortune 500 company in sales also, and I also travel a bit more.

My DDay1 was August 2. It was a Friday afternoon and I came home from work early at a bit after noon so I could spend some time with her before she went out of town to do a 5K with a girlfriend of hers. She had been doing a lot more races out of town that involved at night out in the past few months, always with the same girlfriend.

Well, I arrive home, and she is not there. Turns out she ran to store, but as i go into the bedroom staring me in the face is her open suitcase and right on top is lingerie I have never seen, sex toys I have never seen, lube, and condoms. Now, I have a hair trigger temper anyway and I guess you can imagine what happened when she got home.

Her crap was all over the bedroom floor and they probably heard me down the block. I told her she had about three minutes to sit down and tell me the truth or that she better skip the race and head to an attorney.

So I got it all. OM 1 and OM 2. Neither worked with her. She met them both at races after parties, and has continued to bang both of them when she was in their area out of town on business. Seems like i had the great fortune of her becoming friends at work with some bimbo that was in some sort of open marriage who egged her on at every turn.

There is a lot more but I told her if she she went on this trip to race that we were done. I know this is not unique. I got the whole crocodile, begging, tears routine that it seems like is SOP for this shit.

I told her to pack her bags and tell her parent, who live about an hour away, whatever the F she wants to, and that if she did not go I would tell them and our kids who are all old enough to know and understand.

She told my in laws a bunch of lies that we just weren"t getting along and when my FIL called me I got so pissed off I told him the full truth.

Thats where we are.

i have been tested. I have read Not Just Friends, and it seems while I knew the workplace was an incubator of a lot of affairs these days, I really had not thought about how hobbies and sports that take the spouse away with a lot of bonding and partying are also not great for marriages.

I am not sure what I am going to do, but right now I do not want her in the same zip code. Fortunately, all the girls are back at their schools and they are all in athletics in college so fortunately I guess they won't be dropping in at home because of that and the distance.

Not sure what I am asking for. Just I guess needed to vent a little. This site has helped me already learning what NOT TO DO. No pick me dance happening here.!!! Not in my DNA

nekonamida posted 9/1/2019 18:16 PM

Beyond, you're doing a good job. Take as much time as you need to come to a decision. Sit back and watch what she does because that will have a huge impact on whether R is even possible. And even if it is, you owe her absolutely nothing and can D at any time.

Take good care of yourself. Try to eat well. If you can't sleep, see about asking your doctor for temporary sleep aids. Try to avoid alcohol. You've got this.

Mene posted 9/1/2019 18:20 PM

Sorry you’re here, buddy.

Look, the first thing she is required to do is seek individual counselling to work out why she’s so broken. The infidelity has nothing to do with you.

Secondly, she needs to write out a timeline.

Thirdly, you need to contact the partners of her AP’s. You need her to give you their names and contact their significant others and tell them what type of men they’re living with. Do not tell your wife you will do this. Just get the names of the other men and get on social media and figure out who they are. They need to know and get tested. If anything their health is at stake.

Marz posted 9/1/2019 18:30 PM

So I got it all. OM 1 and OM 2.

I hate to tell you but that smells like serial cheater. Which is a whole different ballgame.

You next and important step is to inform the OM's wives. Just because you found out doesn't mean this will end. Without any warning!!!!

Check your phone bill and you mat see how long this has been going on.

Upfront she's just in self preservation mode and regrets getting caught. You don't know which way this is gonna go yet.

Good job on not doing the pick me dance, etc.

Do not offer R upfront until you've had time to think this through. Do not jump into marriage counciling. That field is full of incompetents.

Cheaters lie a lot. At this time there is probably more and It maybe a coworker (you can't trust anything she says).

Her friend maybe an enabler and helping her cover. I'd call her husband and check some dates. They maybe co cheaters.

Good luck. You're doing extremely well so far.

Marz posted 9/1/2019 18:32 PM

Seems like i had the great fortune of her becoming friends at work with some bimbo that was in some sort of open marriage who egged her on at every turn.

This is bullshit. Your wife is a grown ass woman and knew better but did it anyway. There is no excuse.

Marz posted 9/1/2019 18:34 PM

The absolute first thing you do is have STD testing ASAP. These guys could be banging hookers or other women on the side as well. You don't know who they've been with.

Then determine if this is a dealbreaker for you. Take your time and think it through. Life is short.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:37 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

firenze posted 9/1/2019 18:38 PM

You sound like I me on DDay, fire and fury. Of course, in my case there was no R in the cards because I found out that my exWW was not only cheating but was already planning with her AP how she was going to leave me without anyone in my exWW's family realizing there had been an affair going on.

Apart from not making the mistake of trying to get her back, the best decision I made was to out her far and wide on DDay. Her AP was single, but I did tell her whole family and mine and her workplace and his workplace what they'd been doing without giving them any time to come up with a bullshit cover story. You outing her to her FIL is a good move, and you should follow with the rest of her family and then her employer. If you don't already have the names of her APs, get them and then promptly inform any wives or girlfriends they may have.

As for you, just make sure you're engaging in basic self-care. Make sure you're eating enough and staying hydrated. Burn off some of that restless energy with time in the gym. Take your time deciding what you want to do with her and tolerate zero bullshit. A lot of newly betrayed spouses make bad decisions that put them at a disadvantage, but you sound like you won't have as much of a problem with that because you've found your anger early. Anger does have a shelf life, but it can be tremendously helpful during a time like this when showing weakness to your WW does you no good.

ShutterHappy posted 9/1/2019 18:39 PM

The timeline suggested by Mene is a good idea. The timeline can help you decide what your are reconciling if you chose to do so. There’s two ways out of infidelity: Reconciliation and Divorce.

It seems that you handled D day better than most. A word of warning though: you will need to keep your anger in check. We read tons of stories about a WW reporting DV (true or not), that’s a path that leads to no good.

Your job is not to hide the affair. Affairs thrive in the dark and die when exposed. Feel free to expose to whoever.

Remember this: you are not responsible for this, it’s 100% on her. It’s not a mistake, it was her choice.

You will get lots of advice here, from people who has gone through the same thing. Some advice might be harsher than others but all posters are ultimately rooting for you.

Post often, post updates and you’ll get good advice

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:42 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

Marz posted 9/1/2019 18:43 PM

Lay off the booze if you drink. It's a depressant and will make this worse.

Walk, go to the gym and exercise. It'll help.

ShutterHappy posted 9/1/2019 18:51 PM

Also, I wholeheartedly agree with Marz : the girlfriend made me do it story is just excuses. If the GF had decided to rob a bank, she would have tagged along?

And like the others have said, cheaters lie. You may not have the whole truth yet.

Mene posted 9/1/2019 18:54 PM

Can you shed some light about the OMs? How long this has been going on?

Also, she needs to hand over her phone to you and all her social media and electronic communications (accounts and passwords).

He cell phone will be either iPhone or Android. Via maps you should get a list of places she visited. Via gmail, if she has locations on, you will get a list of places she has visited and times. It will give you a lot of information about where she’s been (hotels, houses etc). iPhone should give you the same details should she have locations on.

Marz posted 9/1/2019 18:54 PM

You DO not have the whole truth yet.

Fixed that for you

Zirconia posted 9/1/2019 19:19 PM

One thing I was stunned by when I found out was how well my wife thought she knew me. I explained I dont know what happens next and wont know until I know. I am not making any commitments despite your desire to put this behind me.

I cant believe she thought my entire world was, for lack of a better word, an act. She said I cant believe someone who runs a company cant see what I am offering you and cant decide the best thing to do is to recommit now and make this work.

I get the impression she didnt know me at all. It may seem I run a business on snap decisions but that is an act, every step I teke is thought through more times than it is worth. What seems like a quick response was planned out years ago.

I never made those plans in my marriage, business was a world of uncertainty, I ran every scenario ten times. Marriage, I thought, was my safe place with the one partner I would never worry about or have a back up plan.

I am not making a decision on my 30 plus year marriage until I know it is correct. Do the same. We will get through this. The fact this was an accident means you never saw it coming, never had a back up plan, and this wasnt a part of your life where you had a contingency plan. Make one now and know they take time.

Marz posted 9/1/2019 19:24 PM

She said I cant believe someone who runs a company cant see what I am offering you and cant decide the best thing to do is to recommit now and make this work.

I gotta be honest. Thats a pretty shitty attitude considering she offering you damaged/used goods.

However, they all think they are guaranteed an automatic mulligan.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:25 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

Mene posted 9/1/2019 19:29 PM

Some of the reasoning waywards come up with could be weaved in another Dumb & Dumber movie.

Sharkman posted 9/1/2019 19:51 PM

I bet if you spoke to that shitty girlfriend’s husband that their marriage wouldn’t be quite so open as advertised.

rugswept posted 9/1/2019 19:51 PM

She was living a severely wayward lifestyle. This whole "race trip" stuff was the ruse to cover all of it.

I doubt you know the whole thing. I just don't believe it. They rarely confess to the whole thing up front. That would be unusual.

The thing they can't hide is their behavior. Think back about this whole "race trip" thing and think hard about changes in behavior. The frequency, the arrangements, who she was travelling with (you said it was always this same GF). I'm starting to wonder if there were always a race. If it was always this same GF, you can bet she knew the whole thing, all along and was party to it. Out here to her H is she has one.

Get the timeline of the race gigs in your mind and think hard about how long she was gone, any shifts in "racing outfits", things like that and start grilling her over and over to get all of it.

Your initial reaction to this is starting to make me think you're not really into R. I strongly support R when it can work. For some, the A is a killer deal breaker and it's over.

If you know it's over, move to D and get it over with. Definitely make sure you out her to all her relatives. She's probably told them the biggest pile of sh** you've ever heard.

Good Luck. Sorry you're here, but you're really strong and you'll make it.

kickedintheknads posted 9/1/2019 20:20 PM

Sorry you had to find this site.
Your WW has been lying and deceiving you for some time. Do not for a minute believe anything she says. You are most likely getting trickle truth. I would demand a polygraph, and as others have said, light the affair(s) up. Get all the info on the AP's, and light them up as well.
I understand the anger. BTDT. Unfortunately, you didn't go into detective mode before you confronted her. I'm sure she's sanitizing all her emails and texts now.
There is no telling what she told the AP's. Cheaters come up with all kinds of stuff. They may have been told you and your WW were in an open relationship, or that you were impudent or some other crazy shit so she wouldn't look so bad in their eyes. I would get all her social media. Phone lab download on her phone.etc...etc...

Good luck.

Cooley2here posted 9/1/2019 20:59 PM

It is pretty well known that we are who we are from genetics, foo and peer groups. Cheaters find each other. They encourage each other. They lie for each other. She has found her peer group. Wonder how long it took her to find it?

ramius posted 9/1/2019 21:24 PM

I told her to pack her bags....

........if she did not go I would tell them and our kids who are all old enough to know and understand.

.....and when my FIL called me I got so pissed off I told him the full truth.

No pick me dance happening here.!!! Not in my DNA

These actions are good. It indicates you do not have the codependency and “Oneitis” that afflicts so many BH’s.

Between all the items you found, the time and effort she put into selecting and buying them, the planning involved, and the fact that she has at least (cheaters lie) two other lovers.....you are staring down the barrel of a serial cheater.

Serial cheaters are an entity unto themselves.

Consider telling the kids before she does. She may make you out to be the bad guy. Try to poison them against you. And tell the other BS’s if you can.

No warning...like Sun Tzu said...” “Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”

Consult an attorney if you have not already. Keep you cool.


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