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Caught Her By Accident

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M1965 posted 9/4/2019 16:11 PM

Maybe recommend she start posting in the Wayward Side. I have seen some waywards really get the program after getting chewed up over there.

That may be an idea for some point in the future, but I think that for now it is better that this place can be just for BeyondRage, at least while he figures out what he wants to do. His wife should definitely get some individual counseling to figure out why she would do something like this, and what was missing within her in terms of boundaries, integrity, and commitment to the marriage.

40YOSL posted 9/4/2019 16:23 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^ This! ^^^^^^^^^^^

Mene posted 9/4/2019 16:27 PM

The old “you didn’t come see me run, play, paint, volunteer, speak in front of audience” excuse for infidelity... They seem to forget the thousands of other things you did for her and your family over the decades. This is a pathetic excuse. This is just her trying to shift the guilt away from her to you. End that talk IMMEDIATELY. Otherwise, she will justify her affairs.

Contact the other men. Lay down the law. Make them shit themselves. Did they know she was a married woman? Did she lie to them. And don’t tell your wife you are contacting them. They should know not to mess with married women. Put the fear of God in them that you will expose them to their circular of friends. You said one was managing a gymn? Those guys like to play around with married women.

Her actions were calculating and brutal. Infidelity is an assault on the betrayed spouse. Cause she’s bringing back potentially STDs and STIs.

What I’m sensing is while you appear to be a confident and strong character, you’re starting to break. And that is natural. You wouldn’t be human, otherwise. You’re starting to break because she is trying to make you empathise with her infidelity because you weren’t at her race meets... WOW. That’s bullshit. Blame shifting. She could have spoken to you about this. She had an issue with that so she cheated? WTF. Given you now have an issue with her, does that excuse you from cheating? Throw it right back at her.

You have a long way to go my friend. It may appear that we are overwhelming you with information. We have been in your shoes. We can see what’s coming next from your WS. Most of them follow the same pattern.

Put D on the table. Tell her it’s heading that way unless she tells you the whole truth and works on her brokenness and she becomes a better, safer partner.

[This message edited by Mene at 4:30 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

ShutterHappy posted 9/4/2019 16:31 PM

I had all I could do to keep from wanting to hug her and hold her.

Did you ever have to punish a daughter of your, like "I can’t believe you did this!!! You grounded for a week!" And your child feels miserable and you just want to console/confort her?

Well the above quote is one of those moment. Holding her and hugging her at this point would be counterproductive.

Striver posted 9/4/2019 17:17 PM

BeyondRage,

I used to run more. Did the 5K/10K run circuit.

NO ONE turns out to watch these. Maybe if they live on the race route. Or it's a big party run... and they live on the race route. Or some non-runner doing their very first race.

For a circuit regular, I don't think a non-running spouse would ever be there. For a 5K, there's nothing to see. You'd stand at the starting line, which is likely the finish line too, and wait for them to come back in less than 20 minutes. Then stand around while the runners talk shop and wait for their medals and swag.

I did not ever know of anyone who did an overnight stay for a 5K. They are not that taxing, whatever your speed. You can show up the morning of no problem. There is not that much going on attendant to a 5K that it would be worthwhile to get there the night before. Unless you are planning to fuck someone. Which is what your WW was doing. WW knew that one of these two guys was going to be there the night before as well. What a coincidence. Go out, go back to the room, fuck. Plenty of energy left for a puny 5K the next day. She wasn't running a marathon or triathlon, that is a completely different deal. You are saying there was not planning ahead, when clearly there was planning for all of it.

Also, if you are in an urban area of any size, there is some dinky run every weekend that does not "require" an overnight stay.

Back in the day I did a few week long bike trips as well. Now on those people would try to hook up, or at least try to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. Harder to do it on the trip itself if you are in the midst of a mass of tents or sleeping in a high school gym. Of course you could get a hotel room there too. Anyway, knew an older guy in his 50s who did the trips. He had a wife, he did them solo. She evidently wasn't a cyclist, or one that wanted to do a weeklong bike trip anyway. It happens, they were married a long time. He managed to keep his pants on during the trips. Your WW couldn't for these "overnight" 5Ks that were just an excuse to get laid anyway.

dblackstar2002 posted 9/4/2019 17:30 PM

He dude, I Sorry you find yourself here. I know this is hard and only you truly know what choice is right for you. But if it were me and i chose to divorce. She would not know until i gave her the papers! It my sound bad, Cut she gave you no warning when she cheated. But if you choose to reconcile, You should make sure she does all the work to fix what she broke. You did noting wrong so don't take ownership of any of this you can take ownership of 50% of the problems in you marriage, But she owns 100% of her affair! You are in the same marriage she is in, Yet you chose not to cheat she did! She made this mess, It is completely up to her to fix it!!!!!

tushnurse posted 9/4/2019 18:41 PM

Striver said a lot of things I wanted to say. In fact it is all true.
She is not only getting you to minimize but flipping the script to make you feel guilty for her shit. Do NOT Fall for it.

tushnurse posted 9/4/2019 18:42 PM

Striver said a lot of things I wanted to say. In fact it is all true.
She is not only getting you to minimize but flipping the script to make you feel guilty for her shit. Do NOT Fall for it.

Striver posted 9/4/2019 18:57 PM

As far as divorce goes, I think people go with their gut. You will likely do the same.

I don't think the gut indicates wisdom or lack thereof, it's just what people do. There are guys who never touch the WW again, who divorce. There are guys who want to reconcile immediately. For the latter, it is usually a slow process, since it can take years for them to get mad enough to set any terms. So the WW never has to work on herself. You seem to be somewhere in between.

I do take your situation into account. Try to imagine five years down the road. A frequent outcome is that the WS is ecstatic over the marriage and being forgiven, and the BS is more on the 'meh' side. You are obviously the BS here. You would be giving your WW a gift by reconciling. Some of the 'meh' BS have raising kids or financial difficulties to point to. Or old age. You don't have any of those issues. I think it's fair to take those into account, since hysterical bonding, sex toys, etc. will all wear off, the wear of five years of being a BS will set in.

Infidelity changes marriage irrevocably. You're no longer the team you once were. Maybe she'll spend the rest of her life making it up to you. Me, I'd rather be in a give and take relationship without all that baggage, monitoring, trying to make things up or feeling like a cuck.

There are consequences to any divorce, yours would be different than some. You will go at your own pace.

Serpico posted 9/4/2019 21:00 PM

You should text this to the A-Hole that is blowing up her phone:

I am the husband of the woman that you are trying to contact through this number.

My wife has identified you as one of two men that she has had a recent sexual encounter with during the course of our marriage.

Because of this revelation, I am giving serious consideration to filing for divorce and ending our marriage.

If and when that happens, you will be entitled to carry on with one another in whatever manner you choose.

In the meantime however, you will cease to make contact with my wife while we are still married.

If you continue to attempt to make contact, any and all legal options at our disposal will be employed to compel your cooperation.

Please note that this message is being sent to you with my wife's full awareness and approval.

That should shut him up.

Thumos posted 9/4/2019 21:12 PM

It is a question to me in this case why a BH would bother going through reconciling, comparing himself with these guys, maintaining his one way fidelity while WW did not, when he can simply divorce and have his own guilt free, NSA relations with the many women, some more attractive than 48 year old WW, who would be interested?

I have this same question. Being the same age and fit, as well as successful, I know that it would be very easy for me to separate from my WW and that I could have half a dozen dates within a day. My situation is awful, and most here know I am conflicted - but BeyondRage has an off-the-charts immediate divorce situation. So many women out there who would value him and not treat him like this.

Now, BR is saying he doesn’t want to divorce immediately. Got it. He should absolutely seek the full truth and give it some time if he needs that. But this is a fairly unique situation. I’ve read a lot of JFO posts in the past three years as a lurker before I began posting. This is one of those that just takes the cake.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:42 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 9/4/2019 21:27 PM

On the open marriage thing for her girlfriend, please do not lose sight of how cheaters lie. She may be telling you that, telling her journal that, and she may in fact believe it. It could very well still be a lie that her girlfriend told her. Contact the girlfriend’s husband - and you may be surprised.

On the 2 OM’s - have you not demanded a NC with them? Rather than ghosting them, she needs to demonstrate to a firm unadulterated (heh) and straightforward NC letter, email, text. Documented for you.

Since you’re not divorcing her right away (and I think it’s smart to gather as much information as possible) you need her to prove that a NC has been delivered to these men. You might let the racing commission or whatever group runs the races know about them.

As far as your in-laws and daughters, this is again your call, but you are allowing her to further gaslight you and negotiate a bullshit soft landing by not exposing the affair to your in-laws and children. Nasty details are NOT necessary; allowing her no quarter and no way to sanitize the narrative and bullshit a possibly malicious story about you? Absolutely necessary.

You didn’t show up to her races? Boo-fricking-hoo. Did she ever ask you to? Or send subtle mysterious signals in the ether? Either way, you not showing up at her races isn’t a justification for having porn sport sex with two younger OM’s

Lastly, please remember you are awesome and so much more awesome than her. She’s detritus now. It will sink in. But there are so many more quality women out there waiting to treat you right.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:43 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

Robert22205https posted 9/4/2019 21:27 PM

Have her read: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"
by Linda MacDonald.

She wrote in great detail after each race...One thing she said repeatedly when she finished very high up was how she wished I was there to cheer for her.

The 5K is not viewed as a big deal by serious runners and is not viewed by spectators as a social event. The 5K is not is the same league as a college football game (athletically or socially).

Note: the journal represents her twisted WW mindset/justifications and is not reality. A detailed timeline of conversations, dates & times etc is reality.

Did they never text? Always email? Who's idea was that? An affair with just occasional communication is an odd bird (as if both parties need to be discrete).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:28 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 9/4/2019 21:45 PM

Some of the 'meh' BS have raising kids or financial difficulties to point to. Or old age. You don't have any of those issues. I think it's fair to take those into account, since hysterical bonding, sex toys, etc. will all wear off, the wear of five years of being a BS will set in.

Please let Striver’s words sink in. Wise words.

Thumos posted 9/4/2019 21:47 PM

VAR placement - get some industrial Velcro strips at WalMart. Get some cheap headphones, plug them into VAR to make sure no audible playback accidentally. Clip the headphones. Make sure VAR doesn’t have a display that will inadvertently light up (may need to program the VAR to avoid this). Take the car for an errand, stop in a parking lot somewhere, and place it.

totallydumb posted 9/4/2019 22:06 PM

Divorce can be an option. I believe most (not all) posters advised you to talk to a lawyer, to gather knowledge on what divorce looks like for you in your particular situation.

Knowledge is power, that information can be useful for you later. Should you choose the option to divorce.

Trdd posted 9/4/2019 22:23 PM

Well, I have to mention a few things counter to some of the recent posts.

Is there any reason to at least take time and consider R as well as D? Yes, there is. 25 years invested in this marriage is reason enough, if BeyondRage still loved her before DDay.

I disagree that this is a move straight to D situation. WS betrayed BS terribly. As is the case with all infidelity. It may be too much to recover from, that's true. But there are several factors that would make me at least consider R beyond the 25 year marriage and 4 daughters they raised together:

1) she seems to be responding immediately with some degree of sincere regret and remorse 2) she immediately turned over her phone and diary without much hesitation 3) she never professed love for APs 4) she did not have the A in and about the house... it was compartmentalized away from her daily life 5) she did not criticize or badmouth Beyond Rage as far as we know at this point.

Do all those reasons mean there should definitely be R? No. But I do think they point toward at least considering R seriously. And if BeyondRage decided to offer R, WS is probably a good candidate for it. That does not mean that Beyond Rage should attempt R. But if he decides he wants to, and learns of no additional bombshells, this is as decent a start as you could hope for after infedility. But few people woild blame BeyondRage if he decides that D is his best option. Both are legitimate options available to him.

A few other things. The in-laws already know, unlike what a recent post mentioned. I dont agree that the daughters need to be immediately informed. Even if BeyondRage chooses to R, in time, the daughters will discover there is a problem. They will need to be told at some point. But is there a need to tell them now? It is an option but this WW does not seem to be in the fog. So its not like telling the daughters is needed for WW to come around to her senses.

[This message edited by Trdd at 10:26 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

Ganondorf posted 9/4/2019 23:46 PM

I'm going to take a more nuanced stance.

I dont think BeyR is taking blame for the affair. I think he's trying to see what he could have done better regarding the marriage.

Beyr: Be very very careful with that thought process. It can easily lead to "X > Y > Z"

Right now, whatever she tells you should be taken with a heavy grain of salt. She's searching for ways to justify her actions. Only see it as how SHE felt, not as the catalyst for this reaction.

Right now, take NO BLAME for ANYTHING. It just shifts some of the focus off of her actions. Your role in all of this will be worth thinking about LATER.

Figure out what you want to do. If D, just D. If R, having her figure out her own thought process will help identify her insecurities and should be done with her own IC.

Right now just focus on taking care of your psyche and emotions as best as you can while you figure out the next step. Maybe read some books on how language can be very deceptive to prime your mind for watching her actions rather than listening to her words.

And don't trust what she says. A suitcase full of goodies....

It meant (assuming you didn't know she had these things)

She thought about it.
She searched for items she wanted.
She thought about what the OM would like.
She actually bought the stuff.
She figured out how to get said items.
She figured out how to hide them.
She probably used the races AS her cover.
She figured out how to hide their convos.
She actually went and did the act.
She reflected on it.
She came home and lied.
She did it again.

Im my specific instance my XWS made me think it was for me.

Point is, she wasn't drunk and horny. It didn't happen once. She didn't tell you. This was thought out to some degree and you're downplaying that. At any of those points before the rinse and repeat stage she could have made a decision to stop, or inform you.

Going back to earlier, at some point in the future, this will be an opportunity to self reflect if you so choose. In what ways are you unhappy with your contribution to this marriage? What are the signs that may have pointed at her being an unsafe partner. Next time these signs pop up, how will you react differently. This self reflection is for your own progress as an individual.

When she says she wishes you were there and you feel bad sitting on the couch... as others have mentioned. Did she push real hard for you to go? That entry to me feels off. More like, she goes on those sex trips (that's probably what they are) to feel good, and she'd feel better if you cheered her on, but also if you were there she couldn't have sexual experience with another man. Just my feelings.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 11:49 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

The1stWife posted 9/5/2019 09:20 AM

In my experience a “no contact letter” to the AP may not work.

Because when the OW called after the Affair had ended 6 weeks prior - he went running back.

Then comes DDay 2. He ended it with her yet again.

She tried to reach out and the-start the Affair for a third time. My H ignored her. She got the message.

LH42301 posted 9/5/2019 11:51 AM

I do not normally post over here as I would likely be banned as I can be extremely blunt and to the point. I am in R, and like you my FWW cheated after 29 years of marriage with a younger man, too. I was able to reconcile, but the first six months were not easy. I got the truth in the form of a timeline, and took my FWW for a poly and let her know one lie, it is over. Like you, I am also an ex college football player, marine, and I am 6’4” 245. I was able to encounter POSOM at the gas station a few years back as he was on the other side of the pump. I got his attention and told him he was going to get his, “not if but when”. He about shit his pants. I wanted nothing more than to beat the shit out of POSOM, but I refrained as I would do serious damage and wind up in jail, and he is not worth it. Messing with his mind, however, was fun.

Point I am trying to make is both POSOM’s need to learn a lesson. Why not simply contact them via your wife’s phone when they answer tell them who you are and your size, and let them know “not if but when”. Keep them looking over their shoulder. A little phone call telling them to back off or else is warranted in my humble opinion.

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