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Caught Her By Accident

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SnowToArmPits posted 9/5/2019 21:33 PM

OM 1 is a real creep. She basically dumped him for OM2 and picked someone he knew because he pissed her off

That was hard for me to read. That's tough having your wife acting like a single woman. You're right to read her journal and find out as much as you can.

Strength and best wishes to you BR.


dblackstar2002 posted 9/6/2019 05:45 AM

Stay strong BR and make sure all of your questions are answered. But one thing you could rally think about. She did not confess, You caught her. Not just that, You caught her in the act of getting ready to cheat again. How long would this have gone on if you hadn't caught her? That is a serious question that has to be answered before you can make a serious choice on way or the other....

steadychevy posted 9/6/2019 05:59 AM

No fog, striver. Clear headed, planned, vindictive to teach AP1 a lesson, perhaps vindictive against Beyond. A reward for her, perhaps, in her mind. Justified for sure.

Your WW appeared guilt free to you. You were blindsided and only caught her by accident. Life just went on for her. Live at home, travel for work, get some on the side, race, get some on the side. She had a second life but wasn't going to leave you with the life style, security, image, etc. Except when discovered. What I see is regret. Regret at getting caught. Not remorse. There are positive signs, as I've written above, but they only show potential as of yet, IMO.

Robert22205https posted 9/6/2019 07:16 AM

Google PTSD syndrome ... you've experienced a major (major) trauma. See your doctor and tell him what you told us. Get help processing this (including the anger) so you can continue to function effectively at work etc while deciding whether to D or R.

Butforthegrace posted 9/6/2019 07:28 AM

I wonder if there may have been an element here where she wanted to be caught. Leaving the suitcase open with all of the incriminating evidence on display is either incredibly reckless, or (possibly subconsciously) intentional. BR's WW is a college educated woman and a competitive athlete. Smart, driven, knows how to win.

MickeyBill2016 posted 9/6/2019 13:19 PM

may have been an element here where she wanted to be caught

I figure the simplest explanation is usually the right one, looking for ulterior motives is a stretch.

She's packed like this many times in the past, she had all the accessories packed and she expected BR to at work and returning later. She was sloppy and over confident. Had other things on her mind...She probably had herself convinced it was ok since it wasn't love it was just fun blowing off of steam.

I don't think people want to get caught but I am no expert on the cheating mind.

TimSC posted 9/7/2019 12:15 PM

The thing that sticks with me is that once she started cheating, stopping never appeared to be an option for her.

When OM1 pissed her off, she moved on to OM2 supposedly to piss off OM1. Why not simply stop cheating and try to improve her marriage instead of moving on to the next OM?

You were never even considered in any of this.

She was in an open marriage and just neglected to tell you.

You are her Plan B. The safe home. The safe financial support. The "normal" family man. The person who hold the home and family secure, while she indulges in her "open marriage".

She never considered that she would be caught. She never intended to tell you any of this.
She never considered what would happen if it came out.
She took you for granted and focused on her fun.

dblackstar2002 posted 9/7/2019 12:48 PM

Yes, This something he should seriously consider. Why continue if she is capable of this? What's to stop her form doing it again? Why be her safe plan now????

mountainwestdad posted 9/7/2019 19:03 PM

BR, how close is your relationship to your daughters? I ask because if they are anything like daddy's girls, this news is going to be a nuclear bomb going off. If that's the case, when it comes time to inform your daughters, I would make sure to have some counseling possibilities in place, if not have a counselor present when you break the news.

dblackstar2002 posted 9/8/2019 12:56 PM

How are you Beyond Rage, Havn't heard from you in a while. Are you OK???

BeyondRage posted 9/8/2019 16:58 PM

How are you Beyond Rage, Havn't heard from you in a while. Are you OK???

Thank you. I am exhausted and so is she. Toughest four days in my life. She went back to parents to get some things so I will try to update as best as I can

I figure the simplest explanation is usually the right one, looking for ulterior motives is a stretch.

Mickey, best line i have seen and so true. I say that from having the advantage that most do not in that I have had in my possession a DETAILED journal handwritten on different days in different type in going back to way before this all started. I have had DETAILED e mails from her one "cheating"account, with no obvious deletions, as well as her entire e mail communications with her open marriage girlfriend. I would guess some search months and sometimes years to get this information.

I am not going to try to analyze her mental capacity, and since I know her best no one hear needs to either. So let me first address some comments in general

(1) PLAN B??? really. I always thought the definition of Plan B was when OM rejected WW and she came back to you despite being in "love' with OM because grass was greener. does anyone really believe either of these guys was Plan A.?
You must be reading something different than me.

(2) SHE CONTINUED to cheat and you caught her. She did not confess. Absolutely true. that puts her in the same category on that one as probably 90% of the WW registered here. What she has not done is break NC, deleted anything, and offered to do whatever I have asked and then some that she has initiated. she brought up the polygraph, not me.

(3) I wonder if there may have been an element here where she wanted to be caught. Leaving the suitcase open with all of the incriminating evidence on display is either incredibly reckless, or (possibly subconsciously) intentional. BR's WW is a college educated woman and a competitive athlete. Smart, driven, knows how to win.

Grace, She had no fucking idea I was coming home. I normally get home later on Friday than any other day since I usually have a lot of meetings. Without going in to all of her sexual proclivities, she has a very high sex drive and I know she masturbates. if i had only seen the vibrator I would have laughed. the condoms actually indicated that she at least was using protection unless someone guesses they were for room decoration. can I prove that? No. she has always told my daughters, once they were sexually active, to carry condoms so if she was going to be it is logical for her to follow her own advice. I have proven beyond a reasonable doubt thought what I have read that she did NOT have sex with anyone a lot of the time she went the same places. But yes she was prepared if she wanted to.

Now, before anyone gets any idea I have any intention of rug sweeping this you do not know me. NOTHING THAT SHE HAS DONE IS ACCEPTABLE, AND OUR FUTURE DEPENDS ENTIRELY ON HER ACTIONS.

Now lets look at what she has done
(1) totally cut all contact. Blocked on FB and cell phone now. She has no instagram. I have the passwords to the e mail accounts which i am monitoring. She has written in her own NC communication which I have NOT sent. These guys are 30 year old snot noses who would probably laugh that off. I have no leverage on their jobs or marriages and i am not tracking down multiple girlfriends. SO WHY OPEN UP COMMUNICATION AGAIN?

(2) She has offered to quit her job. I told her do not dare. We will be Ok financially even if she did but she has to work somewhere and there will be men everywhere.

(3) She has offered to quit running in races. I have accepted that one. i never could understand it. She was NOT a long distance runner in college, ran 100, 200 ,400. Then it got to 5K, 10k, and it was headed to longer distances like marathon and more training away from me. as you can guess, at my size I am not running anywhere that far. She also does not want me running into these guys by accident. Ass hole #1 was so arrogant he offered to come down and meet me since he was hoping she would do the open marriage thing. She told him in an e mail to bring a body bag.

So lets get to the regret/remorse thing. i'll buy its too early for total remorse. Does anyone know any WW that are thrilled they got caught???
I got all the standard answers. but no minimizing

**She liked the sex. No shit. She is horny most of the time. If she told me she hated it would that have been better.???
**She liked the power she had with a bunch of guys after her all the time. She liked them chasing her for it. I don't, not that that should be necessary. Our sex life has been active, constant. There were others trying to get her at these little bar parties after races.
** I asked all the down and dirty details on sex acts. there is nothing i can thing of that we have not done so unless she got herself tied up and whipped, she did nothing with anyone than she has not done with me. I think its TMI to share but if anyone really things it will be helpful Ill condider it.

AND PLEASE REMEMBER that there is going to be a polygraph somewhere down the road so if she has done this before it will be the first question. i actually have played possum, not formally accepting her polygraph offer. i want it to come later after she lets her guard down , is less freaked out, and quite frankly to see if she buries herself. I have the VAR installed.

I am going to send this in a few parts. I fucking lost it n the computer once and i do not want to start over

BeyondRage posted 9/8/2019 17:16 PM

Part 2 I guess. I apologize for the length.

THE GIRLFRIEND

Actually not as toxic as you could imagine. She cheated on her husband but she actually wanted to fuck other men even after caught. husband was actually having an affair at the same time, has a girlfriend he bangs regularly, and is actually excited she is playing hot wife. if you google mens fantasies, that one pops up there in top ten or fifteen. not for me.

My wife almost fell out of chair first time girlfriend actually called hubby and told him cutely that she was spending night with guy she had been flirting with. But it did arouse her how open it was. However, girlfriend did not actually egg her on. Actually told her it could really be a shitstorm. So I was initially wrong assuming she got pressured or talked into anything.

WW did not immediately act. But it progressed.

The e mails and communication they exchanged since I caught her have actually been fairly close to the advice she would get on the Wayward section here. Since I see the e mails I have not balked at it going on. Girlfriend has told her
DO NOT LIE
DO NOT TRY TO SPARE MY FEELINGS
DO NOT BREAK NC
TELL ME EVERYTHING EVEN IF I DO NOT ASK.
I guess she knows from experience what not to do. So far, the advice has been apparently taken. I have NOT uncovered anything yet that would make me thing different.

So to summarize

THIS WAS NOT AN EXIT AFFAIR. I am not sure what the actually definition of affair is. I would call a one night stand a one night stand. Not an affair. I would call what she has done as a fucking selfish deceitful act of self indulgance and just like almost all she NEVER expected to get caught. I actually would have been more devastated had she been telling some dickhead she loved him and been sneaking around for two years planning their future.
I know its cliche but I am categorizing this as more MLC than LTA. IT STILL SUCKS BIG TIME

So basically she has not blamed me at all. Not one word about some craziness that I did or didn't bring her flowers or didn't put the dishes away.

SHE DID IT BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO AND COULD .
She has not uttered one sentence about I can't remember, and she is a wreck. I am too for that matter.

Part 3 will be CONSEQUENCES

Marz posted 9/8/2019 17:27 PM

Sorry you're here. I'd agree it wasn't an exit nor a love affair.

The thing that sticks out for me is how mercenary she was. Dumping OM1 and then picking out OM2 as if it were a continuing business transaction. This didn't just happen she put some time, work and planning into it.

I'm sure she's got regrets at getting caught. With her mindset/attitude not sure if remourse is in the cards. Only time will tell that but.....

BeyondRage posted 9/8/2019 18:10 PM

Part 3

Again I apologize, but as I explained I did not want to rewrite all of this and she will be home in not too long.

CONSEQUENCES
(1) our relationship is changed forever.
(2) she knows it will take years for me to regain trust.
(3) believe me, I am fairly convincing and she knows she is on thin ice
(4) she has lost a hobby or activity, competitive racing, that she has done since she was thirteen years old.
(5) she has humiliated her parents and they have told her she should be ashamed about herself. I know blood is thicker than water if it came to that but they are not being in any way understanding of what she did.

My Plan

(1) VERIFY with VAR, and polygraph. I am not going to spend every waking moment playing CIA agent.
(2) try to reconnect. I am NOT emasculated. I am pissed off, hurt, and doing my best not to react in a way that will cause all of us more harm.
(3) I am not insisting in IC immediately. It is perfectly clear to me what happened, how it happened, and I will not have some idiot telling her i was somehow at fault. I will insist on her signing off on me talking to IC .

I am not filing for divorce. The time to do that is if I mean it. Its like you do not pull your gun out unless you intend to use it. I have listed all of the things that will occur if i do that.
Lets start
(1) my family will be torn apart. My girls love their mother as they should. Their mother was the main guidance through the so difficult teen years. Their mother was the major one who met with most of the coaches recruiting them since i was travelling a lot then. their mother made most of the campus visits with them. And quite frankly, in todays world, i would not bet the ranch they would all disown her.
(2) Our entire social and friend network will fragment.
(3) Our financial situation will freeze because of the uncertainty

If she fucks up again, those are all acceptable. Right now, they are not.

I have no fear of being alone. I am not a large version of Tom Cruise, but I can find women with no problem if I want to.

A question has been asked, HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN

The answer is I don't and the person that can absolutely guarantee that to me will be richer than Mark Zuckerberg if they are able to insure that with their advice. There are stories on here of guys who got cheated on once, met their dreamgirl, and than it happened again. there are no guarantees other than death and taxes in this world.

I will take this one day at a time. The immediate issue is the next few weeks. She travels again week after next. She has made reservation at different hotel than she normally stays at and has offered to leave her phone on the entire night. of course, the polygraph can answer any questions on that.

And in a few weeks we are to start week end visits t the girls campuses who are in their sports seasons now at different colleges,

I know some of you are going to think i am a fool. I respect your opinion. We all have to live with our choices.

I already have at least three of the poly questions formulated for when the time comes. I will list them soon for suggestions and update how I am doing.

Thank you to all who have responded, even if you think I am a moron. This site is a great resource

Marz posted 9/8/2019 18:15 PM

Good luck.

It's good you see the fallacy of trying to be a marriage warden. That would be a miserable existence.

NoOptTo posted 9/8/2019 18:36 PM

BR,

Wish you well on your choice to offer R to your WW. Please consider making your WW sign a post-nup agreement giving you a better outcome if you do choose to D whether she proves to be unfit for R or strays again. Look and see if your local judges often enforce them or not. If they do, be fair, she can receive 35 to 40 % of martial assets rather than 50/50 split. No judge wants will sign off on something that will possibly lead to the state having to support the person. Also, she is the mother of your children and you want her to be there for her children. She has enough shame in herself already.

Marz posted 9/8/2019 18:44 PM

Under the circumstances I would insist on STD testing.

Booyah posted 9/8/2019 18:46 PM

I like how you're approaching this.

I will say this.....when she travels....the realty of what she's done is going to hit you HARD!!!! You're going to have a really tough time with this.

steadychevy posted 9/8/2019 19:24 PM

I didn't think it was an exit affair. I thought (and still do) it was getting some on the side without getting caught. Some kind of reward or something.

I don't think she wanted to get caught, either. She was having too much fun. She was in control. She thought she'd never get caught. She travelled freely.

What does bother me is how cold hearted and calculating she was. She taught AP1 a lesson with his acquaintance AP2. She planned her trips (like my WW).

As to your post in part 1 about TMI sex: I can't see it would be helpful to disclose what you're talking about. You know and that's what matter.

You are doing so very, very well. Stay the course, BeyondRage.

fareast posted 9/8/2019 19:29 PM

Your approach and attitude are spot on and will get you through. You have done well. Good luck in working toward R. I hope your WW appreciates the gift of grace. This felt like mid life crap all the way through. You have your own good judgement to guide you. Continue to trust your gut. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 5:46 AM, September 9th (Monday)]

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