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Caught Her By Accident

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Thumos posted 9/1/2019 21:54 PM

You and I are the same age. If I didnít have a young child at home, I would be out. Since your daughters are in college, there is absolutely no reason to try to salvage this. She has destroyed the love, trust and honor in your relationship. Trust me, more is coming and itís going to kill your affection for her.

This is who she is. This is deeply narcissistic behavior. She will try to love bomb and offer sex, but I imagine you wonít weaken on that, given how disgusting she probably is to you right now.

WALK! Actually ... RUN!

This is not reconcilable (just my opinion).

Look, Iíve been on this site a lot the past three years just lurking and only recently started posting to get some perspective on how to proceed and get out of a limbo hell of anger and lethal flatness Iím in. Iím trying to give my WW a chance because we have a young child, but if she doesnít get her ass in gear very soon, I am going to leave her, perhaps even by the end of the calendar year. I did not make the mistake of pick me dance, or rugsweeping (at least initially), I blew the doors off her affair, exposed her to her family, etc. I got a lot, but not enough and I made some key mistakes.

I have the perspective of three years ahead of you. Youíre about to enter a period of absolute shock and trauma, and then once your head clears, youíll start to regret not walking.

Two men, at the very least, and I wouldnít be a bit surprised if there have been more. Wild, adventurous sex ( I donít need to tell you bc your imagination is already running into overdrive, and what youíre imagining is likely not far off the mark) Lots of sex - she was providing her sexual best to two other men!

No faithfulness, no loyalty. She regrets being caught. Thatís it. Donít get hooked on hopium expecting to see any real remorse or empathy for your pain. Donít waste your time and your life. If you get out now, your healing process will be dramatically sped up compared to mine.

But do get the truth so she has no recourse for lying to your daughters and negotiating a soft landing.

Hit the iron temple and start lifting hard; real lifting with a clean diet (this is not incidental and you will thank me later; you can build a surprising amount of muscle mass as a 49 year old man).
Do not offer R
Do not offer MC
Demand she provide documentation of a full STD panel of tests
Demand the names of the OMís and tell their wives if they are married. Immediately. Donít wait to do this.
Inform her work if there is any sort of entanglement at work - like the co-worker who encouraged it.
Demand a written detailed timeline
Demand a polygraph
Demand her phone so you can use Dr. Fone and download everything. (Do NOT wait to do this; donít make the same mistake I did).
See a divorce attorney and draw up papers immediately. Haver her served at work.
Go grey rock 180 on her and only converse on matters pertaining to divorce process and your daughters. Thatís it.

Do all of this immediately - as in this week.

Thumos posted 9/1/2019 22:01 PM

So I got it all.

Based on what little youíve told us here, the shocking duplicity and completely degenerate whorish behavior, I am HIGHLY skeptical you got it all. You need to let that sink in.

Also, your daughters are plenty old enough to know whatís going on. They donít need to be jammed into the middle of your marriage, but they certainly need to be told you are separating from your wife because their mom was carrying on sexual relations with at least two other men at the same time and possibly exposed you to various STDís. I think thatís totally appropriate for college age adult women to know.

I keep sharing this because you will need to meditate on it and let it sink in. Doesnít matter if you are a Christian, itís still relevant: Proverbs 30:20 ďThis is the way of an adulteress: She eats and wipes her mouth and says, ďI have done no wrong.Ē

I gather based on some comments that others have made that some donít appreciate me sharing this profound bit of wisdom. Itís blunt, but itís true - just as true today as it was 3,000 years ago.

Start reading the Psalms and Proverbs right now. If youíre not a believer, it doesnít matter. You will find active, living wisdom that will help your heart and sharpen your mind. You need this right now.

Atrowspark posted 9/1/2019 22:10 PM

All your kids are adults and out of the house. Divorce your wife and tell your daughters why.

babypuke posted 9/2/2019 03:26 AM

Whoah man, you came home early to spend some quality time with your wife only to find her tools for betraying you on the bed and find out that (the last period of) your marriage was a lie and an unsafe zone, very shocking, but this is not over yet and only has started and it is a battle.

Selfcare and focus on YOU is most important now, going into individual counseling/therapy (IC) and seeking the social support of friends and family I do recommend and protecting your assets (e.g., relocating money to an account only in your name, she may try and withdraw funds without your knowledge and consent). Also, read as much of the other stories and advice given here on this forum, SI is a knowledge vault and knowledge is power, reading about the situation of others will educate and empower you and very likely will be of help.

You indicated that you do not know whether you want to stay with her or leave, while it is a standard reaction to try and save the marriage the best reaction for you would first be to save YOUrself.

This website is here for you, you are not alone, strength!

Ponus18 posted 9/2/2019 06:57 AM

I'm sorry you're here.

I likewise learned the hard way I was married to a serial cheating wife.

I've learned a lot in the 5 years since divorcing her and one thing for sure is that you'll want to sit down and tell your daughters. You don't want her to control the narrative and the reality is that they will find out the truth eventually anyway. They're not little kids obviously so they can handle it and since they are adult children frankly I would imagine it would be nice to have their support. You are a lucky man to have 4 daughters to look after you a bit and I think it will really help you in this terrible situation.

I also agree with others that it's not likely you have the full truth. Maybe you have most of it - who knows - but now that you know your WW is such a huge liar there's no real way to trust whatever she's telling you. Maybe it was just the 2 APs and the timeline is more or less as she's described it to you, but prepare yourself for the possibility that there's more to the story - either other APs or longer timelines, etc. Maybe not, but be prepared.

Do you know who the APs are? If not you should demand to know and then you should notify their wives ASAP (without telling your WW that you are doing so). They need to know the truth about their lives and be able to take steps to protect themselves as you have.

Good luck brother and hang in there. I'm 5 plus years past my DDays and life is very very good. It will be for you too I'm sure.

cocoplus5nuts posted 9/2/2019 07:25 AM

Lots of people are telling you to tell your daughters. I believe in honesty and openness with pur children. But, please, teead lightly here. They may be legal adults, but that doesn't mean they are emotionally ready to handle all of this thrown at them at once, especially in college. That is a very stressful time. This news could derail all their plans.

ShutterHappy posted 9/2/2019 08:46 AM

I would like to add that the way your handle this will be a model (for your daughters) of what to do in those situations. Sadly, with 4 children the odds are one of them will go through the same thing and will remember how you handled it.

Something like "WW I have loved you for X years, our daughters and family and you CHOSE to bring two other men in our marriage and family. You CHOSE to hurt me our daughters and our family for selfish reasons. I do not accept that. When those panties came off, you basically broke our marriage, divorced me, and the family, without telling us"

Followed by either:

"Sadly, I have no choice but to make the D official, I canít accept what you did"

Or

"I may consider the gift of R, with no promises under the following conditions (...). I might not be able to R in the long term, only time will tell"

Stay calm firm and unwavering. It is what it is, no ifs and buts

dblackstar2002 posted 9/2/2019 09:34 AM

For the life of me, I will never understand how rational grown adults, Can through away a marriage lasting over a decade for cheap nasty sex! Obviously she had no intention of marrying withe one of these dirt bags, So why risk a long them marriage for it? No sex no matter how good is worth this! Cheaters have a mental issue i swear!!!!!!!!

ann1960 posted 9/2/2019 09:58 AM

Left her suitcase open? I actually wonder if she wanted to get caught?

Her ďOpen MarriageĒ mentor sounds like a wonderful bestie. (sarcasm). However, your WW didnít listen. I donít agree with open marriage but at least it involves some level of honesty and CHOICE. Infidelity is the 100 percent the choice of the WS. With open marriage you go into leveling up your destructive, dysfunctional sex life TOGETHER.

Brace yourself, thereís probably whole lot more to be unfolded. They tell you just enough to get themselves off the hook.

Iím sorry you (and anyone reading this) have to be here. Our pain is beyond words. Believe me I understand.

MamaDragon posted 9/2/2019 10:00 AM

Pull your credit card bills/bank statements, and both your credit reports. One to find out what she has charged/spent on her APs and the second to find out if she has secret credit cards (one of my exs did this).

Demand names of the AP - find their spouses and inform them. Blow their world up. I'd also talk to her Friends spouse, she is probably not in an open marriage.

Demand 100% transparency. If you are Reconciling, demand she quit and find a new job. Completely NC with the APs and the friends who enabled her. No more hobby either.

Go see a lawyer - so you know exactly what you will be responsible for in case you do decide to divorce. Knowledge is power. Also see about a post nup. If your in state where you can sue the AP, do it. Show your WS what she will lose should she not be truthful and faithful - from that moment on. Sometimes seeing it in black and white hits home. I'd also make her remove her wedding band (and mine too) once she proves she is not going to cheat you can put it back on. Sometimes that snaps them out of their fog.

Make her go get tested every three months. lol it will be embarrassing and make her think of what she is doing.

Demand a time line and a poly.

I would suggest you tell your daughters. They will eventually find out - better to hear the truth than the lie your WS will tell to save face.

Take care of yourself. Drink h20, exercise, try to get enough sleep, see a doc for RX short term to deal with stress, find a hobby - it helps keep your mind off things.

read up on the 180 -- modify it to fit your needs. It helps you recover.

Ganondorf posted 9/2/2019 10:34 AM

1. As others have said, contact friend's husband. Open marriage doesn't revolve around lying and encouraging others to lie.

2. Check records / credit cards as others have said. MamaD has good advice.

3. She's absolutely not telling you everything. Going to work might have been her way of making more time for her behavior.

4. Don't trust what she says. Her actions will show her true intent.

5.Record all the evidence and keep it secured.

Striver posted 9/2/2019 10:37 AM

My opinion here is that she's already used her three strikes. Two AP and lying to her parent.

In your case I think going into reconciliation talk would be more going into the weeds than actually helpful to you.

Let's get away from the broken metaphor that is thrown around on this site. Why do I think your WW cheated?

1) Still in shape, so attractive, but aging, she wonders how long she will still "have it."
2) Goes back into work environment, is older but comes in fresh, full of energy, new type of men hitting on her, goes to her head.
3) Transitioning out of mom role, bored with domestic life and you. You have to make love to her. New men are fresh and exciting.

I do not like the "broken" metaphor because it's pretty obvious to me that there are psych rewards for cheating. The cost can be high, but it's not a mystery to me as to why people cheat. To me, your WW cheated because she had the desire to.

As for you, athletic? Sales? Make good money? No kids at home? Your WW probably has a half dozen divorced friends who would be with you right now.

You'd lose assets in a D, no doubt. If you more or less plan to D, that changes your tactics. In that case, you do NOT want to disrupt her career in any way. Keep her working, make it clear she's capable of working. That will help you.

Personally, in your case, I'd talk to an attorney when ready. If your WW somehow moves heaven and earth enough to get your attention again, I suppose you can listen.

Striver posted 9/2/2019 10:41 AM

I will also add that WW likely knew and knows she could survive a D as well, and that went into her calculus that it was an okay time to cheat.

Bigger posted 9/2/2019 11:28 AM

If you are clear on infidelity being a deal-breaker and have no intention of reconciling then donít bother with demanding the truth, a timeline, poly and all that. Go find a capable divorce-attorney and start that process ASAP. Be realistic in your expectations for D. You won't get everything and you won't lose everything. D tends to be fair when push comes to shove.

Be upfront and truthful with your daughters: You are divorcing your wife (and their mom) because of her infidelities. They donít need details, proof or knowledge of the sex-toys or the lingerie.

Thumos posted 9/2/2019 11:40 AM

I believe in honesty and openness with pur children. But, please, teead lightly here.

I agree with cocoplus5nuts here, and they donít need to know the details. But I think itís completely appropriate for them to know that you divorcing your wife because she was having a physical affair with two other men and that the betrayal is too deep to repair the marriage. They need to understand your trauma, again not in all the fine-grained horrific details, but they need to know their dad is dealing with life-changing trauma. I have recently been more open with my high school senior child, and our relationship has changed for the better. I am not alienating this child from her mom, either.

Otherwise if you donít do this (and sheís already showing sheíll do this) your wife will sugarcoat and minimize the narrative for your daughters, and they will be operating off false information. They need to know the truth.

Iíve seen plenty of college-age adults with divorced parents, and they do just fine. Itís not easy, but if she lies to them about some minor ďinappropriate relationshipĒ or that ďdad and I are just not getting alongĒ then you will regret going along with that.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:46 AM, September 2nd (Monday)]

BeyondRage posted 9/2/2019 11:49 AM

Wow!!! Some pretty harsh advice but I am listening. So lets start with the "iceberg" that this is supposedly the tip of. I can assure you that if I am the Titanic I am putting the fucking ship into full speed ahead right towards the iceberg and I am going to find out whats there. Take that to the bank. And thank you for the support.

I am sure I will miss answering some things but I am in a hurry and will try to do better next time.
First, now her mother called me. MIL is a retired teacher, smart bookwise but not a lot of common sense but well meaning. She told me her daughter really fucked up (NO SHIT) and she is furious with her, and then the BUT word, but I need to talk with her more before making any rash decisions. I thanked her for the call, but told her in no uncertain terms to stay the fuck out of this from now on and that she better not tell my kids a thing. I will do that when and if I decide to.
I told my wife I want her home immediately and she needs to take Friday off from work. I told her before Friday she better have the timeline everyone keeps talking about written and fucking correct and all there. No timeline handed to me. No talking. End of story.

I did get the phone on D Day. Demanded it and she handed it over. I'm lucky she didn't drown the thing in tears. She gave me the secret e mail they were using and believe it or not I was stunned at how little actual nasty stuff was there. She couldn't even look up at me. I'll expand more later on the contents.

Right now, all I know about the OM's are that they are both 30 years old or around there and single guys that are runners like her. Im not believing much so do not worry about me being naive. i have a plan for that.

Once she gets home I am putting a VAR in her car. She is not in an office all day so she is on the phone a lot in the car.

I know the name of girlfriend. Not sure how I ask the husband about the "open marriage" thing.
If he laughs or gives me shit I will wind up in jail and he won't have a dick left.

I know some would say to keep her out but I cannot find out shit if I am not even in proximity.

Thurmos, thanks for the points. I am going to cover them. Not say anything about that until she has her real say with the timeline. don't worry about me working out. My wifes sport was track in college. Mine was football, offensive line. I am 6'7", and down to 260 from old playing weight of 320. I have been lifting weights and hitting the gym since puberty.
I am not a big drinker and I ain't starting now.

Anger is sometimes a good thing. I have decided to skip the denial stage. Ive had a few concussions but i am not stupid as to what is staring me in the face.

One thing please. lets hold off on the serial cheater until I get more facts and see if it fits my definition of that. I am NOT clear on R or D yet. Give me some time to digest.

I do not need a lawyer. my sister is an attorney and a true shark if I need one.

Thanks again.


[This message edited by BeyondRage at 11:51 AM, September 2nd (Monday)]

Marz posted 9/2/2019 11:56 AM

Just so you know. You are doing better than most upfront.

You are smart to keep the inlaws out of this. Normally blood is thicker than water. Even though they don't lik or agree with her actions they will probably look out for her best interests at your expense.

You are also correct. Cheaters lie a lot. If she tries to hide or minimize consequences to the other OM's it will at your expense.

Timing is all yours. No one else's.

Marz posted 9/2/2019 11:58 AM

Right now, all I know about the OM's are that they are both 30 years old or around there and single guys that are runners like her. Im not believing much so do not worry about me being naive. i have a plan for that.

If you have their phone numbers you can get the rest of the info you need. If she's deleted her phone and you have access to the online bills you can get them off thrre.

Cooley2here posted 9/2/2019 12:03 PM

This very supportive group has more knowledge than any PhD. It seems to you that many are pushing you but it is because it is the old ďbeen there, done thatĒ info they live with.

Itís your marriage. Sheís your wife. You just need as much info as possible so you arenít stuck here next year with the same pain.

Striver posted 9/2/2019 12:13 PM

You are taking a good approach. Whatever you do, getting all of the info before you make a decision is wise. You don't need to take any actions one way or another at this point.

If there was not much on the phone, sounds more like a sexual affair. Affairs happen for many reasons. Even in marriages that are otherwise good. Because the WS gets bored and takes everything for granted. If your WW felt old and bored, these guys flattered her, hey I'm racing again and I can feel like I did in college! That is more than enough reason for some people to cheat.

Sexual affair, more than one AP, you caught her in the act... honestly, none of these are typically good signs for survival of the marriage. But it's your life. Wish you well.

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