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Caught Her By Accident

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Smoked posted 9/15/2019 19:03 PM

I donít think I said she wasnít a good person.

That is a hard thing to do. I have visited nursing homes when able. It is heart breaking at times. I know I could not do it on a daily basis. I can really respect your wife for her volunteer work there.

Mene posted 9/15/2019 19:22 PM

Steadychevy,

I meant Smoked.

Striver posted 9/15/2019 19:25 PM

Striver, you remind me of Catholic priests talking about marriage and raising children ...
Youíve never dealt with infidelity and youíre providing advice and strategies to those who are going through it. I donít get it. Do you have qualifications in marriage counselling or psychology?

I think you mean Smoked. My ex left me for her AP whom she married.

I think OP, BR, has indeed gotten a lot of info, a lot of facts. I think the facts are outstripping his ability to process his feelings. I worry that he is stuffing his feelings to preserve his family. I don't want him to rush through this process just to do a rugsweep.

That is why I have tried to lead him to take care of himself, suggested IC, suggested that he think of himself. I hope he does those things when he is ready.

Buster123 posted 9/15/2019 23:21 PM

Instant remorse is very very rare, regret of getting caught?, of course, otherwise where was all this "remorse" when she was banging OMs time and time again with no end in sight ? the fact is she got caught and that's the one thing that made her stop otherwise she would still be cheating TODAY and looking at you straight in the eyes when she got home.

Yes of course, every case is different and there are no guarantees in any situation but the collective wisdom of SI can point to things that typically increase the chances of a successful R, look at your member number, we've seen it literally THOUSANDS of times here and other websites, yes "trust your gut" (your gut didn't alert you she was cheating to begin with) and "take what you need and leave the rest" are staples here but that's not necessarily mutually exclusive to considering other things that over the years have proven to increase the chances of a successful R or even a "successful" D for that matter.

Again I like the way you're handling this awful situation so far, except for the (consequences department), and just to mention one, I would have asked your WW to apologize to your grown daughters and both sides of the family for her huge betrayal (they were betrayed too), like I said before the sheer shame/embarrassment of exposure could be in itself a deterrent that may prevent her from cheating again in the future and a great one, exposure is not for "vengeance", that shame/embarassment is one of the main reasons As are kept secret and why so many WSs after caught just want to "move on" aka rugsweep and not face severe consequences, they fear EXPOSURE, of course they never thought they would get caught.

I really hope your R is successful if she passes the polygraph and does the heavylifting to help restore the M she destroyed, and that's what you still want at the time, but I insist you consult an attorney and make her sign a postnup in your favor to protect yourself financially should she relapse in the future.

RocketRaccoon posted 9/16/2019 05:08 AM

Hi BR,

My immoral and worthless WW as you would say
will be home from volunteering at our local hospice caring for dying people in a few minutes

You should check out the thread by Walloped (I Don't Have Any Idea What To Do). There are some similarities between yours and his.

His (f)WW also did volunteer work, and her AP was a Player that used the volunteer pool as a hunting ground.

His wife also started getting the empty nest blues, and felt like her purpose in life was slipping away. Mrs. Walloped's posts are also good reference for what you WW might have been thinking, as she was quite frank in her posts, and gave an insight to her WW thinking.

Both you and Walloped seem to have taken the bull by the horns early on, even though the world is collapsing all around you.

The steps you have taken are quick and decisive, and that is a good thing. You seem to have a level head on your shoulders, and look at the issue objectively (as much as you are able to).

Keep it up, you are on the right track to getting out of infidelity.

M1965 posted 9/16/2019 06:17 AM

BR,

I think you are handling this extremely well. I have never known a case of infidelity where anyone suggested handing a wayward spouse a good conduct medal, so there will always be things to criticize about them.

What is more important if you are going to work infidelity and get the marriage back on the rails is what is good about your wife, and whether you think she can do what you need to start feeling loved/cherished and secure again.

She needs to identify the elements that combined to create the 'perfect storm' at this point in the marriage.

It is interesting that she has not taken the bait when you have suggested discussing an open marriage. I think that if she had really wanted one, she would have raised the subject by mentioning her friend's arrangement and raved about how happy they are because of it, etc, to try and sell you on the idea.

It could be that she knows you would never entertain the idea, but she might also be worried about the repercussions if you agreed to it, and started actively chasing other women. She is at a point in life where she has a lot to lose, and there are plenty of twenty-something women who would see you as a major catch. It would be a hell of a risk for her to let you dive back in to the dating pool, because what begins as 'no strings' can soon get more entangled than that.

There is a weird and hypocritical thing with a lot of waywards where they are fine with cheating themselves, but they would hate if their partner or spouse cheated on them.

I knew a woman at work who had been pretty 'free and easy' in life, and who was in a long-term affair. She was quite open with me about loads of stuff, and one time I asked her how she would feel if her husband cheated on her. She said she would be hugely angry and would want to 'kill him' (metaphorically). And she had been having an affair with an older married man for years!

She herself said it was totally hypocritical, and that it made no sense, but that was how she felt.

Go figure!

You are doing fine, BR. Keep on keeping on.

steadychevy posted 9/16/2019 07:00 AM

BeyondRage, I haven't gone back through this thread to check and can't remember for sure if you've told your children (daughters, I believe). You've been told to expose, expose, expose as a consequence.

I understand if you don't. I didn't want anyone other than a select few about my WW having an LTA. It wasn't because of pride or embarrassment. That might have been a factor. It was because I wanted to see if we could R. If we did R no one would know. I didn't want her to carry that burden in the community and my large family forever.

I did think that if we were able to R (a long process) that we should tell our daughters that we had been dealing with this betrayal and through love, a lot of hard work and faith we were able to heal even though there was a huge scar.

My WW never came to the table, IMO. I got very little of what I laid out as the minimum I needed from her just to see if R was a possibility. Maybe I never would have been able to R even if she had. I don't know. However, once we separated it didn't matter anymore. There was only one reason I would D and it wasn't because "we drifted apart" (we didn't, BTW). It is known far and wide now.

So, BeyondRage, my long story was just to back your decision about limited revealing if that was the decision you've made.

GoldenR posted 9/16/2019 09:55 AM

His (f)WW also did volunteer work, and her AP was a Player that used the volunteer pool as a hunting ground.

Nope...he simply put feelers out and she responded. A married person cannot get played.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 9:56 AM, September 16th (Monday)]

BeyondRage posted 9/16/2019 13:08 PM

Striver

I think OP, BR, has indeed gotten a lot of info, a lot of facts. I think the facts are outstripping his ability to process his feelings. I worry that he is stuffing his feelings to preserve his family. I don't want him to rush through this process just to do a rugsweep.

Striver, thanks but NOT rushing through this is exactly what I am trying to do, and that includes not rushing in to destroying her world, and my childrens world until I make a decision. Going nuclear is always an option but once done cannot be undone.

You should check out the thread by Walloped (I Don't Have Any Idea What To Do). There are some similarities between yours and his.

His (f)WW also did volunteer work, and her AP was a Player that used the volunteer pool as a hunting ground.

How do I check his thread? I apparently can get private messages but cannot send them.
However, I hope you have not already decided that four miles from my house on Sunday nights twice a month that she is fucking people at the hospice.

M1965
It is interesting that she has not taken the bait when you have suggested discussing an open marriage. I think that if she had really wanted one, she would have raised the subject by mentioning her friend's arrangement and raved about how happy they are because of it, etc, to try and sell you on the idea.

It could be that she knows you would never entertain the idea, but she might also be worried about the repercussions if you agreed to it, and started actively chasing other women. She is at a point in life where she has a lot to lose, and there are plenty of twenty-something women who would see you as a major catch. It would be a hell of a risk for her to let you dive back in to the dating pool, because what begins as 'no strings' can soon get more entangled than that.

Never even a hint of taking the bait. If she was interested, what repurcussions?? Women control non monogamy. Married women are like cat nip to guys on the prowl. She could go into a bar and have five wedding rings on and probably 99% of the men there would not give one hoot that she was married. Actually did just that with this shit basically.
If I go into the same bar with my wedding ring on 90% of the females will tell me to get lost.

THERE WILL BE NO OPEN MARRIAGE agreed to as long as I am walking upright and breathing.
I totally reject the assumption I was in a one sided open marriage. Every man on here that did not know his wife was cheating was in the same circumstance.

Nope...he simply put feelers out and she responded. A married person cannot get played

This predator crap is just that. They can get played into believing an OM may leave marriage for them but that is AFTER they climb into bed.
if an adult woman does not know when a guy is trying to get in her pants she needs to go back to dating school.
My wife never uttered a word about getting played.

M1965 posted 9/16/2019 16:06 PM

Hi BR,

If she was interested, what repurcussions?? Women control non monogamy. Married women are like cat nip to guys on the prowl. She could go into a bar and have five wedding rings on and probably 99% of the men there would not give one hoot that she was married. Actually did just that with this shit basically.
If I go into the same bar with my wedding ring on 90% of the females will tell me to get lost.

The repercussions I meant are her losing you to a younger woman. There are plenty of women around who will sleep with married men, and there are those out there who would not bat an eyelid about trying to 'steal' a man from another woman.

And that does not begin to address the number of women you could meet and get involved with if you entered the world of swinging. You could end up falling for another woman, or comparing your wife with lots of other women.

There would be risks if you had the same freedom your wife granted herself.

One of my close female friends told me about a woman in her social circle who actively targeted married men - particularly 'happily married' men - because it was more of an ego-boosting 'triumph' for her to seduce a man away from his wife and family. She liked to claim that there was no man she could not 'bag', regardless of how 'happy' he was with his wife.

I was shocked when she told me that, and asked her why she would be friends with a scumbag like that, and my friend immediately started back-pedalling and saying, "She's not a friend, she's just someone I know..."

So for some women, your wedding ring is not the barrier you assume it would be.

Mene posted 9/16/2019 18:07 PM

Itís a ďsaferĒ option to have an affair with a married person. For a single person, they know that the married person has much more to lose if found out. For two married people having an affair itís like a double blackmail. They both have an interest not to out each other. I know of many cases in both scenarios. It is interesting that one married guy told me he targets married women for sex because theyíre easier. Some people simply donít have a moral issue with it.

RocketRaccoon posted 9/16/2019 20:29 PM

GoldenR,

Nope...he simply put feelers out and she responded. A married person cannot get played.

Yes, you are correct. What I meant was that doing volunteer work does not make a person 'good'. If their boundaries are not clear.....


BeyondRage,

How do I check his thread? I apparently can get private messages but cannot send them.

Am not too sure if the link will work, but here it is:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=566988

Another empty nester case is by waitedwaytoolong. I do not have a link to his post, so perhaps others can point you in the right direction.

As to PMs, I believe that you will need to hit 50 posts before you can send.

However, I hope you have not already decided that four miles from my house on Sunday nights twice a month that she is fucking people at the hospice.

Nope, no chance of me suggesting that your WW is straying at the hospice she volunteers at. As I clarified in my reply to GoldenR, volunteering does not make a person more trustworthy or good if their boundaries and moral compass are not strong. You are in the thick of it, and can see the subtleties in behavior as you seem like quite an astute person.

Like I said in my earlier post, you are doing well, and way ahead of the curve in terms of getting out of infidelity.

Sharkman posted 9/16/2019 21:10 PM

Beyond -

You are correct. If you read the referenced Walloped thread you would have thrown up all over your desk. His wife volunteered, flirted like shit with a married dude, and it ended predictably. Same story here. This male predator stuff is sexist crap at best. It takes two to tango and what happens is a series of voluntary actions on both parts.

Iím married. I get flirted with from time to time. I internalize is as a sincere compliment and politely remove myself from the situation as soon as possible. If I donít do that then Iím actively engaging in an affair, period. There are no shades of grey here, friends. Either youíre actively pursuing an affair or you are not. There are no mediums with this crap.

seekers posted 9/16/2019 23:34 PM

BeyondRage Im just popping in to say your doing a phenomenal job dealing with your wife's betrayal. Really well. Your clearly logical and I'm a big believer in listening to your gut. I'm also glad to see your using the "use what you need, leave the rest " motto. Its helped you see those who are sages who want nothing more than to pass on their wisdom ( hard fought) to the newly betrayed. Props to you for also picking out those whom have an agenda. Vent and share away, this is your safe spot.

Striver posted 9/16/2019 23:52 PM

Striver, thanks but NOT rushing through this is exactly what I am trying to do, and that includes not rushing in to destroying her world, and my childrens world until I make a decision. Going nuclear is always an option but once done cannot be undone.

I understand your concern. I just worry that you are taking the weight of the marriage on your shoulders.

If you can't make it with your WW in the short or long run, that falls on her. You can try not to act in haste. I was going to mention that some people divorce and remarry, but it doesn't sound like that would work for you. I think if you are done you will be 100% done.

Your WW sounds like a smart woman. She has done good post-A work to date. But she still cheated on you, was clearly the instigator of it, and didn't stop until she busted you. I just want to make sure you aren't bearing any more of this weight than you have to. Please take good care of yourself!

BeyondRage posted 9/18/2019 10:24 AM

Your WW sounds like a smart woman. She has done good post-A work to date. But she still cheated on you, was clearly the instigator of it, and didn't stop until she busted you. I just want to make sure you aren't bearing any more of this weight than you have to. Please take good care of yourself!

Striver, again thanks. The one thing that still confuses me is how so many keep focusing on that she didn't stop until busted. This is NOT unique. The percentage of WW on here that do not stop until busted probably is in single digits.

The thanks is for telling me to take care of myself. I am. I am not drinking, not taking drugs, working out four times a week at least as I always have, and doing my best to fight my normal instincts which is to have the patience of a kamakize pilot. But I am glad I totally bypassed the "denial" stage.

Last night and this morning was very tough. She had to pack last night for the overnight business trip tonight. She was crying all evening asking me what she can do to make it easier.
As I stated, she made a reservation in a different hotel than she usually stays at, and told me whether I wanted her to or not she is going to leave both phones on record all night. Also said she is going to get dinner to bring to her room and not leave once she is checked in.
No one knows where she is staying other than her company travel agent, her boss, and me.

I did say something snarky to her which I will not repeat here. Not really necessary what I said.

The VAR has shown no break in NC either her phoning him or them phoning her. Girlfriend did have to reach out to her for a business question but she kept it at that.

A few were kind enough to send me links to the treads on three guys, Walloped, Lt. Cmdr Lost, and Space Ghost with advice to read. I started on Walloped and if anyone thinks I was lucky to catch her, I wonder what the odds of your brother catching your wife walking hand in hand with her boyfriend are in a city of more than 8 million people. When I get some time I will read more, but thank you to those who have PM'd me. I still do not have that ability to do anything but respond.

My wife is texting me pictures of where she is each time she stops at an office of her appointments. That one she is doing. I did not demand that. I am sure she and I will have more talk tomorrow night when she returns home.

Marz posted 9/18/2019 10:47 AM

Upfront I get the need to verify but long term you don't want the job of a marriage warden. Life is tough enough without having to do that bullshit.

If they really want to cheat they'll find a way.

Just stay out of seeing only what you want to see versus reality.

Never offer R upfront or jump into MC without taking as long as you need to determine what you want. It is never easy or bless upfront but clarity will come.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:48 AM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 9/18/2019 10:50 AM

I did say something snarky to her which I will not repeat here. Not really necessary what I said.

You're human. It happens under the circumstances. So what.

MickeyBill2016 posted 9/18/2019 11:54 AM

told me whether I wanted her to or not she is going to leave both phones on record all night.

I guess she's trying something. But putting yourself under surveillance is weird. Of course she is not going to do anything she shouldn't. Not now, the proof will be in 2 or 5 years.

Nobody goes 70 in a 45 when the CHP is behind you.

BeyondRage posted 9/18/2019 12:34 PM

Mickey

I know. I told her Iím not staying up listening.
I am not worried about tonight
If I am wrong Iíll eat a big dose of crow

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