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Caught Her By Accident

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BeyondRage posted 9/18/2019 12:34 PM

Mickey

I know. I told her Iím not staying up listening.
I am not worried about tonight
If I am wrong Iíll eat a big dose of crow

Thumos posted 9/18/2019 12:43 PM

This is NOT unique. The percentage of WW on here that do not stop until busted probably is in single digits.

BeyondRage, youíre absolutely right of course. I think the reason people keep focusing on it is to make sure it doesnít get lost in the deluge of other information coming at you.

Itís the opposite of ďmitigating circumstancesĒ - itís an aggravating circumstance. Yes, itís true that most of the time we hear about WHís and WWís being busted. They didnít come forward voluntarily. But the exception proves the rule here. When a spouse does come forward voluntarily, it does seem that the chances for reconciliation are much higher - while the chances seem much lower when caught by accident, busted, VARíd or otherwise.

So while it may not be unique (and it isnít unique) it is an aggravating circumstance that goes to character, worldview, motive, empathy and so on. It actually says a lot about those things and it says a lot about the person youíre dealing with. Not every WW or WH is a raging narcissist, but in my view you have to have some tendencies of narcissism to engage in this behavior. You have to have some kind of ability to compartmentalize, lack some level of empathy, be willing to count the cost and still endanger your family and the health of your spouse. And then keep doing it.

Iím struggling with R bc of this realization and of course, a number of things. Anyway, my two cents.

Unsure2019 posted 9/18/2019 13:40 PM

BR,

Iíve been here for a very long tine time and just recently starting posting. Iíve been following your thread and just wanted to make a few comments. I think the way you handled this has just been pretty amazing Ė especially since itís really hard to asses and make rational decisions when still in shock sand pain. You clearly have the long game mentality, and the ability to make clear and decisive decisions - probably why youíre a senior corporate exec.

One thing Iíve seen in your thread and many others over the years is this need for some to encourage the BS to go ďnuclearĒ and absolutely destroy the WW. Of course, theyíre seeing the situation through the lens of their own pain and it often seems more punishment driven then really helpful. Again, kudos for not falling into revenge mode and instead making decisions that can only be beneficial to the outcome you hope to achieve.

One final thought and Iím sure Iíll take some heat for this. Only you know, but from all that Iíve read, I think you have one the best chances for a reconciliation. I would be willing to bet a lot that your WWĎs actions were a one-off and you could actually come out of this with a strong marriage.

I know youíre taking care of yourself, but donít minimize your pain to WW. I know I couldnít move forward until I was able to get past the anger and really feel the depth of the betrayal. Weíre supposed to be strong guys and being vulnerable doesnít come naturally.

Hoping this works out the way you would like it to.

jackfl posted 9/18/2019 16:22 PM

I havenít chimed in on here in a long time even though I still read everyday. I just wanted to say that you are doing great, bud. You are handling yourself very well as described in your testimonies. Such a mature example of how to address this mess of things that you were thrown into. Great role model for those that may be in the early days of dealing with infidelity. Iíll pray for your continued strength no matter what you choose to do, R or D. Take care brother.

Mene posted 9/18/2019 17:58 PM

Handling it very well.

Hoping things turn out for you.

rambler posted 9/18/2019 20:50 PM

What happens in infidelity, the BS loses self esteem is hurt, angry, depressed and often isolated.

Exposure is not to punish the WS but to help the BS recover. By ending the isolation, those close to you can help you work through the hurt, anger and depression.

By keeping the secret you are empowering the WS as you become reliant on them as your only support. This will also interfere with the WS finding remorse or empathy.

ShutterHappy posted 9/19/2019 15:58 PM

My wife is texting me pictures of where she is each time she stops at an office of her appointments. That one she is doing. I did not demand that.

One of the biggest consequence of infidelity is the lost of trust. I think most people donít realize how precious trust is until one loses its credibility.

You WW now is taking steps to rebuild trust. It takes a short moment to lose and years to rebuild. It is what it is.

It affects Betrayed as well. Most of us, irregardless of D or R, are not as trusting as before, after experiencing infidelity.

RubixCubed posted 9/19/2019 22:20 PM


Unsure2019:
I would be willing to bet a lot that your WWĎs actions were a one-off and you could actually come out of this with a strong marriage.

You mean a two-off ... that he knows off.

steadychevy posted 9/20/2019 06:13 AM

I don't know how you can call this a one-off. By that definition my WW's adultery of 4 years after we were married would be a one-off. I can tell you, to me the BH, it wasn't a one-off and that would be insulting.

BeyondRage posted 9/20/2019 13:29 PM

You WW now is taking steps to rebuild trust. It takes a short moment to lose and years to rebuild. It is what it is.

Shutter, thank you for acknowledging that. I am reading threads here. Have not come across too many, where WW
(1) handed over the phone immediately
(2) handed over the journal
(3) turned over the passwords and e mails
(4) total NC
(5) stopped all of the activities that led to this
(6) asked for polygraph test
All within days or a week of D Day

Does that make it OK. Fuck no!!!

I am not depressed. I am ANGRY that she would be so stupid. I am not emasculated. I can see how one can be if WW is in " love" or refuses breaking NC or does any of the shit that is common here. I do not think she would be nearly as hurt if i fucked a two bit bimbo, which i have not, as if I was having an affair for six months telling some woman that I was in love with her.

The hotwife girlfriend sent her an e mail apologizing profusely for getting my wife involved with these guys. The response from my wife was that she blame was all on WW and that she should have just withdrawn from the social circle. My wife showed that to me less than an hour after it came.

There still seems to be discussion on exposure. If she fails a polygraph test there will be exposure that would make everyone pushing on this happy to families, friends, and children. Until then that is NOT going to happen.

For those of you who have been trying to support me, I again thank you, especially to those who have PM'd me and taken the time to do that.


I am so happy I joined here and have been able to in a sense use this site as a barometer and guide.

DoinBettr posted 9/20/2019 15:26 PM

I'm glad she didn't try to throw her friend under the bus and blame her. Your WW is really doing a lot of great work.
I think we are all surprised about how clear cut this whole affair is.
That is not normal. Especially with your discovery story.
Keep it up.

ShutterHappy posted 9/20/2019 15:28 PM

If she fails a polygraph test there will be exposure

I think exposure is a mean to an end. Usually exposure helps kill an affair, but your WW affairs seems to be terminated already. So the question is, will it help you in your goal of R or D? I do not know the answer but you probably do.

I am ANGRY that she would be so stupid

Some posters a couple of pages ago suggested "midlife crisis". I donít think you WW said that though.

I personally donít believe in midlife crisis, itís just an excuse like other excuses to not take ownership of oneís action.

The following rant is meant to make you chuckle, you need a chuckle:

Midlife crisis is an impossibility. One would need to know when one will die, to figure out oneís midlife and have his/her crisis. If a young man dies in a car crash at the age of 20, should he have a midlife crisis at 10? If one has a midlife crisis at 55, will that person be guaranteed to live 110?

I donít know about you BeyondRage, but I donít want to know when Iím going to die but where so that I can avoid the place!

Michigan posted 9/20/2019 15:42 PM

I do not think she would be nearly as hurt if i fucked a two bit bimbo, which i have not, as if I was having an affair for six months telling some woman that I was in love with her.

BeyondRage

Exactly right

Iíve noticed that people have different priorities, sometimes to the extreme. Some value the relationship to the point that they consider themselves faithful if they never intended to leave the marriage. To them an emotional affair is much worse than a physical one.

Michigan

The basic problem is that you see sex as a big deal and she doesnít.

Michigan

You can talk it over and go to therapy for years and it will boil down to the above.
Your wife likes you and her life with you. To her it wasnít personal it was only sex.

Michigan


Many WWs tell their husband that it was only sex because thatís what they would want to hear the positions were reversed. i.e. the relationship was never at risk. That would be comforting to them.

If the husband has different priorities it makes matters even worse and not better.

[This message edited by Michigan at 3:58 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

Thumos posted 9/20/2019 15:51 PM

(1) handed over the phone immediately
(2) handed over the journal
(3) turned over the passwords and e mails
(4) total NC
(5) stopped all of the activities that led to this
(6) asked for polygraph test
All within days or a week of D Day

I have to admit this one of the most puzzling stories Iíve read here. Youíre handling it exceptionally well and you continue to. Iím genuinely bemused by all of the things she did, because it doesnít track with my own experience with my WW or that of so many others here.

That is why, maybe, weíre not giving you the best advice. Weíre giving you advice that applies to all of our situations, where our WWís did none of these things or only some of them.

This appears truly unique.

That said, it is also troubling on some level that I canít quite put my finger on. Thereís an aspect of cold planning and forethought that I donít think Iíve seen elsewhere in three years of lurking around here. Itís almost like she prepped well in advance and did the kind of businesslike cost-benefits analysis we all fear our WWís did. But in her case, it seems like she really did something almost like a SWOT analysis on a whiteboard, then put the results in an Excel file, made a Venn diagram, then decided calmly, rationally that having some side boyfriends was exactly what she was going to do ó with her master plan bailout ďbreak glass in emergencyĒ checklist for how she would react if you found out.

But thatís just me. Iíll admit that I have, er, um, trust issues where this kind of thing is concerned.

Michigan posted 9/20/2019 16:03 PM

This appears truly unique.
That said, it is also troubling on some level that I canít quite put my finger on.

Thumos

Yes, just like SpaceGhost

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:04 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

Thumos posted 9/20/2019 16:18 PM

Michigan,

Wow, I didnít know about SpaceGhost, or who that is, but just looked it up.

BeyondRage, if you havenít you might want to read that thread: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

If we do share a common experience, the fact that SpaceGhostís wife, your wife, and my wife all presented a worldview that showed they didnít think ďmeaningless sexĒ was any big deal, especially if they didnít get caught. Thatís troubling to say the least.

After D-Day the theme of ďmeaningless sexĒ came up multiple times with my WW. The fact that I couldnít understand sheíd merely had ďmeaningless sexĒ meant I was ďimmatureĒ about it.

Neanderthal posted 9/20/2019 17:26 PM

BR,

I just wanted to say thank you. Your strength through all of this is uplifting to me. I wish I could be handling things as well as you have this far.

Stay positive, and continue to look after yourself.

BeyondRage posted 9/20/2019 18:11 PM

Neanderthal

You are handling a much tougher situation than me in a number of ways
You have a young child whose life would drastically change, a WW who has not been as forthcoming as many have recommended, and youíre still upright

Stay off the booze brother and you can get through this . I havenít been advising but you were right all along about the truth.

Iím rooting for you

GreatWideOpen posted 9/20/2019 19:34 PM

So I am not the only one thinking the whole journal and email access doesn't jive. I will take it a bit further and suggest everything she turned over to BR was "cooked books". She may have created a plausible evidence trail that she had at the ready should she ever get caught. People prepare for disaster every day. I wouldn't wait another day on the polygraph. Something isn't right here. Any why the hell isn't she NC with the hotwife girlfriend?

You shrug off the suggestions to seek IC, but you need help. Please put it in your recovery plan.

[This message edited by GreatWideOpen at 11:17 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

The1stWife posted 9/21/2019 03:40 AM

I disagree with the post denying the ďmid life crisisĒ theory.

My very wonderful therapist told me it is the #1 reason for D.

Just to point out your wife has been a mom since 25 or so. Maybe she feels she missed out on life. My H married me at 24. His Affair was as he was turning 50. Typical mid life crisis Affair. He didnít date much as he was a bit shy with women and I met him when he was 19. I completely get the mid life crisis syndrome.

FWIW my H voluntarily told me about his Affair the night he first kissed her. Didnít stop him from continuing to cheat, DDay2 and false reconciliation plus wanting a D.

Not sure how we survived it but we did. Happily reconciled!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:42 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

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