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Caught Her By Accident

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BeyondRage posted 10/22/2019 12:11 PM

PA BOY

1. Your WW was going to have to meet this woman in her work circles sooner or later.
2. Total avoidance in this setting is also probably not realistic, but how your wife handles it, and/or negates and conducts herself through this is an issue.
3. It was not so much the person that is the issue, it was the lifestyle she lived. The old quote 'birds of a feather,flock together'. Hopefully she now realizes this.
4. Lastly, as you have shown, you don't want to be her jailer, although some monitoring after the event may be necessary for your peace of mind. The var would be idea

Thanks, you are correct. They do not interact often at work but it will happen again and it may happen at the Christmas Party, which spouses ARE invited to. I went last year and had a blast. Her boss is a 64 year old great guy whose wife has breast cancer. My wife has cooked a lot of dinners to bring him when she is too sick from the chemo.

BUSTER

I think you're a guy with common sense and can see the benefits of having a VAR in place at least for some time, maybe at least couple of months longer and when she might think you have your guard down, you don't have much to lose anyway, if she finds the VAR, oh well, it's a consequence of her betrayal (same with the poly), she was betraying you for months, so if she's smart and finds it, and is truly remorseful, she would tell you so and that she understands and doesn't blame you for it. Having her friend in the car (or anybody else)who knew what was going on could be both revealing and reassuring, so why not have the VAR in place to verify it ?. Being the M police is no fun and not sustainable in the long run, but I highly recommend it, this soon after D day, just in case.

I'm not concerned about her finding the VAR. It would not upset her at all. Still not sure about it but I might wait until conference is closer.

RAMBLER

Her girlfriend is her mentor. She taught her how to cheat and what to do if she was caught.
Your wife has done everything in days that take months, years or even a lifetime to do.

The problem is you do not know if it is real or just the checklist she was told to do.


The girlfriend will expect an email.

This is why most say the job must go because it is x central to the affair. It will prevent true healing and reconciliation.

I want to respond to this. Lets start with the girlfriend. She DID NOT teach my wife how to cheat. She is NOT cheating on her husband. She warned my wife about crossing the line, she told her to actually try to talk to me about it before attempting to do it, and she told her to be 100% honest with me once caught.

I am NOT trying to tell you she is a friend of the marriage. But I am telling you that I know my wifes close girlfriends and I would bet my ass that at least half of them would have told her to deny, minimize, and do all the things that we know here would be more damaging.

My wife made all the wrong decisions, not the girlfriend.Blaming her is like blaming the AP for a persons wife saying yes.

This girlfriend, who is a drop dead knockout, is employed by one of the largest consulting firms in the world, and i guarantee all here in corporate business have heard of her company.
I do not think for one minute she is going to jeopardize her career at a business conference with my wife.

If this woman gave her a checklist to do, she did a fucking good job. Only time will tell if the checklist sticks.

Honestly, I now feel like I overreacted to this, especially since she voluntarily brought me the whole meeting two day itinerary. Guess I am still on edge

rambler posted 10/22/2019 20:48 PM

On page 10 you said the girlfriend was caught cheating. She did not want to stop. Her husband had a steady on the side and wanted her to be a hotwife.

She was a cheater. Her giving your wife advice to not cheat is like a drunk telling a teenager not to drink. Let's be serious. I am not saying your wife is not to blame. She is however the person who normalized having the affair.

She taught your wife that it is ok to cheat.

Your wife has correctly assumed that she could cheat and keep the marriage.

paboy posted 10/22/2019 21:11 PM

The midlife crisis thing appears more in focus after you mentioned more about the other woman.
That woman was successful, prestige, lifestyle, and sex when needed. Perhaps it turned your wife's head.
Hopefully she now realizes that what she has lost was more priceless.

RocketRaccoon posted 10/23/2019 04:03 AM

Honestly, I now feel like I overreacted to this, especially since she voluntarily brought me the whole meeting two day itinerary.

Nope, you did what any normal BS would have done.

Guess I am still on edge

Yup, and you will be for a while. Don't sweat it. Rome was not built in a day, and neither will you recover so quickly. Saying that, you are already ahead of the recovery curve, as you are handling your current situation with a level head.

If your WW cannot keep her panties on whilst on her trip, and so soon after DDay, there is nothing you can do to stop it. She has to stop it by herself for there to be a better chance at R.

If she cannot control herself whilst she is away, then you know what you will need to do.

Tigersrule77 posted 10/23/2019 07:11 AM

BR, I don't think you over reacted. You aren't healed yet. Don't pretend to be. And don't be mad at yourself when you react to something. It is part of the process.

A quick email or a call from your WW to the ex-friend to say that she will be too busy to hang out and any interaction would need to be strictly business.

I will say, I am a little confused. Are you wanting your WW to keep her distance from this woman, or was this your wife's idea?

It seems to me that this woman by discussing her lifestyle inadvertently planted a seed, which your wife watered, and nurtured and grew it into the A. It wasn't a push or pull, she was really just discussing her life. Similarly, if she told your wife she did cocaine, never offered it, never invited her to a drug party, but your wife ended up trying it. I wouldn't describe her as a negative influence, but not really a positive one either.

I think your wife handled the situation well also. She let you know of an issue that would likely upset you and tried to address concerns up front. She is looking for ways to help you through this and putting your feelings and needs as a priority. I think most BS's longed for that type of reaction.

jadedangel posted 10/23/2019 09:01 AM

Personally, I wouldn't send an email. This is where she needs to learn to keep business relations strictly business.

If the former friend tries to talk to her about her personal life, she needs to respond with something on the line of: "I am no longer comfortable with sharing my private life to work colleagues and would prefer if we keep our working relationship professional". I know that's not worded just right but she can tweak it to fit her.

When she travels, does she not use a company car? If its her personal car, then definitely put the var back in her car.

I am rooting for the both of you. Right now, it really seems like y'all have a chance to make it.

BeyondRage posted 10/23/2019 09:29 AM

Tiger

I think your wife handled the situation well also. She let you know of an issue that would likely upset you and tried to address concerns up front. She is looking for ways to help you through this and putting your feelings and needs as a priority. I think most BS's longed for that type of reaction.

You are right. I probably would have asked if girlfriend would be there at some point but she did take the initiative.

JADE

Personally, I wouldn't send an email. This is where she needs to learn to keep business relations strictly business.
If the former friend tries to talk to her about her personal life, she needs to respond with something on the line of: "I am no longer comfortable with sharing my private life to work colleagues and would prefer if we keep our working relationship professional". I know that's not worded just right but she can tweak it to fit her.

When she travels, does she not use a company car? If its her personal car, then definitely put the var back in her car.

I am rooting for the both of you. Right now, it really seems like y'all have a chance to make it.

Thank you. She has already had this conversation with the girlfriend and girlfriend told her she understands perfectly and does not want to do anything to get in the way of what we have happening.

This is going to occur from time to time and it is something I will have to accept and use to rebuild trust, or let her rebuild trust. If she was going to something other than a mandatory work conference I might have more reason to get cuckoo.

For those of you who attend these things, most of the people in same district or group sit together at meals, and i do not believe for a minute my wife will invite girlfriend to join them. On the other hand, this woman is part of advising their organization on business ongoings and i do not expect my wife to walk away and cause attention and be rude in a group setting. And just for the record, six of the nine reps in her district are males who if she was interested would pose a bigger threat.

And i will I am sure actually get to meet this woman up live and in person WITH her husband or boyfriend at the Christmas party which I am NOT going to run away from or make her.

Jade, the car is a car that we lease or buy and she gets a substantial car allowance and can drive what she wants as long as it meets certain standards. Many companies are doing this as it is cheaper for them than having a car fleet and staff to administer and monitor.

i am still undecided on the VAR . Have time for that decision.

On another note, I have had a discussion with wife about fact that if we are going to do things together and find workout stuff to do together that she has to stop this making a competition out of everything. My all encompassing competitive mindset I left on the football field many years ago. its Ok to want to be good at something but sometimes being too driven is not good. She needs to do things for fun not result only.

BeyondRage posted 10/29/2019 16:58 PM

OK. So I have some news.

After the first of the year, WW will have the opportunity thru promotion of a peer to transfer to a territory with NO TRAVEL. Right now she is gone about two to three nights a month.

But all the areas she has to go to are SAFE upper income areas and towns and cities. If she takes the different assignment she will spend a good amount of time in very bad neighborhoods in pretty rough neighborhoods.

I am NOT comfortable with that and I have told her to stay right where she is.

Maybe I am crazy but she is the mother of my children regardless of what she has done, we are doing a pretty good job at getting our life back together, and quite frankly at this point I would be more nervous about her in the dark at 5 Pm in winter when daylight savings goes away than I would be nervous about her doing anything wrong again.

Am I crazy?????

She has said she will do whichever I want but I know she wants to stay right where she is. I think I need to just let this one go and deal with the few nights travel. The other job also involves a new direct boss who i do not know from Adam nor does she other than by reputation of how he is to work for.

I guess I am looking to see if anyone convince me i am making a mistake.

Maybe this is just a vent, but it is what it is.

Cooley2here posted 10/29/2019 17:14 PM

If she wants to cheat she will cheat. There are waaaay to many posters on here who never suspected a thing and it was right under their noses. Safety first. Always.

steadychevy posted 10/29/2019 17:45 PM

The reasons you provided are very valid. Safety first. As Cooley said, if she wants to cheat she will cheat. I also think you will pay very close attention to a more highly tuned and receptive gut than you did before.

LemonCurd posted 10/29/2019 18:33 PM


Not crazy.

2-3 nights away a month is better than being raped and murdered by a crackhead or caught in the wrong place at the wrong time (if you still want her employed at this company)

The job wasn't really a problem anyway was it, more the running friendship group and repeated interactions and alchohol and hottubs. These 2-3 nights away aren't going to lead to any sort of friendships forming and if they did she should be informing you anyway.

Not crazy. If she starts giving you cause for concern you can revisit the job situation another time if that becomes necessary right?

ramius posted 10/30/2019 01:40 AM

If she gets the itch again, then she can scratch it. She takes her, with her, everywhere she goes. So a bad neighborhood is not going to make it any more likely she will stay faithful. She could find a bad boy gang banger just as easily as she found her previous men. She has to police herself, no matter the environment.

So there really is no upside to her taking the job in the bad area.

And if she did, and gets hurt, it will be seen as your fault.

waitedwaytoolong posted 10/30/2019 08:50 AM

I agree with your logic. If she uses the travel days to cheat again, which I donít think she will, you will have an EX wife, but your kids will still have their mother

Safety is always the most important thing.

DoinBettr posted 10/30/2019 09:14 AM

I would say just prep for being triggered when she is out of town. Like a fire drill. If you start to lose your control on the fear and anger (She says something wrong on the phone or her phone dies and she can't contact you for 4 hours). Put in place some things you will do to calm yourself. Even just having that plan and talking it through with her might slow those triggers in the future.
I don't involve my kids in that backup plan because then they will be my support system and not the other way around. You decide on that part.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 3:25 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

M1965 posted 10/30/2019 11:50 AM

Safety has to be the prime concern here.

I mean, what if she took the job and something bad happened to her? How would you feel, and what benefit would the job change have served?

As others have said, it was not the day job that was a problem, it was the extra-curricular activities, so moving the day job to a war-zone is not a fax for anything.

As for the extra-curricular malarkey, you are in the best place to judge the likelihood of that causing any more problems. It is possible that having walked on the wild side and got caught and burnt, your wife will have no desire to do it again.

What does she say about that period when she reflects on it? Obviously, the standard wisdom is that cheaters lie, but it is usually possible to tell if someone is genuine in what they say (as long as trust our gut and do not allow ourselves to be blinded by how much we want what they say to be true).

I think you are handling this very well, BR.

Buster123 posted 10/30/2019 12:00 PM

Safety first and wait for the next opportunity to transfer to a much more safer area.

Robert22205https posted 10/30/2019 15:09 PM

She's doing everything right.

Plus there's always the prospect of an unannounced polygraph test to discourage any thought that: "he'll never find out".


BeyondRage posted 10/31/2019 09:44 AM

Well, that is now out of the way. I told her Ok the initiative was appreciated but not thought out well.

And everyone is right. If she gets the itch, she can do it again easily anytime. Out of my control.

The job was NOT the catalyst and as was said the extracurricular shit has stopped. And this was not even a promotion of any kind for more money, not that that would have mattered to me.

I mean, what if she took the job and something bad happened to her? How would you feel, and what benefit would the job change have served?
I would probably never forgive myself. Personally, if I had a gun to my head I'd rather she cheat again than get hurt or worse. If she took that job I would insist she carry her weapon, which is obviously a violation of their company policy.

Of all the shit that has happened, this decision was the easiest.

The two day conference is coming up and then Christmas party. Quite honestly, I am not stressed about either at this point.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/31/2019 12:03 PM

BR,

I am one whose Cheater lies to the ICs and MCs, as well as to me, over the years.

I wouldnít trust the Cheater to be truthful in therapy. Why would they suddenly grow a conscience? They donít.

Youíre doing a great job of treading water through this.


Keep on keeping on!

Westway posted 10/31/2019 12:08 PM

BR I don't remember but did you have her sign a post-nuptial agreement in case she cheats again?

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