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Caught Her By Accident

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Marz posted 10/31/2019 12:15 PM

Being a marriage warden isn't worth it IMO.

They'll always find a way if their behavior continues anyway.

Now that your senses are heightened you'll know. I would hope that she's smart enough to know there won't be another chance. Your attitude around this will work better than trying to control the uncontrollable anyway.

BeyondRage posted 11/1/2019 17:29 PM

OK.

Tonight she is going out with girlfriends to get something to eat and some drinks. I totally trust all these women and know them all and their husbands.

She texted me telling me she told them she could not go because she had work to catch up on. She felt it would bother me. I told her she cannot abandon her long time friendships and be a hermit. Either you take the leap or you do not.

I am not nervous about this at all. She has done too many things right and has already turned down a bunch of invitations with friends who I know for a long time. None of them have an inkling that she is not "squeeky clean" and would probably fall out of the chairs if they did know.

I am going to watch a football game and relax and see how she does. They are not going to some wild club so I would actually call this an acceptable GNO. She cannot rebuild trust sitting in the house like a exile from society.

I also want to see how I feel as the night goes on.

KingofNothing posted 11/1/2019 18:45 PM

Good luck, BR. I think you are really handling this well.

OrdinaryDude posted 11/1/2019 19:28 PM

This is good, you got it.

Itís all about what she does and for what reasons going forward, but Iím sure you know this too.

I remember the first time my WW went out of town for ten days after the last dday, it was tough but she did it right and kept in touch with me with her plans etc. it was a big milestone for us at the time.

Striver posted 11/1/2019 20:14 PM

BR,

At some level, I think you need to let her do her work. If she is really doing the work, it is going to be a lot more work for her than for you.

I am plenty cynical about R, even though I never went through it. From what I read on here, the BS does the heavy lifting in most cases. Because the WS doesn't really do their work, not all of it.

Your wife is no longer "squeaky clean." She knows it. If she is really a good woman, she betrayed herself as well as you. It SHOULD bother her. It SHOULD shake her to her core.

I am a really hard driver on that stuff. Hardly ever happens. Often because the BS is too forgiving, wants to rug sweep. Many BS out here like to grade inflate, give the WS extra credit every single time. Let her earn it, she will be the better for it.

BeyondRage posted 11/1/2019 20:39 PM

Striver

I agree. She canít earn it if I make her a prisoner . Iím not rug sweeping anything.
I am attempting to give her the opportunity to as you say do the right thing . And to do that there must be some degree of some normalcy and some wiggle room

MickeyBill2016 posted 11/1/2019 21:35 PM

I think that she'd need to be sociopath to hook up anytime soon. And I don't think that she is, and she will most likely behave herself as she was scared straight and remorseful.
Just assume that at some time (could be years) the same thoughts that she had when she was banging the other runners may pop up again, how she deals with those feelings is on her.
But tonight she will probably come home ready for you...

Good luck I hope that things get better for the both of you.

BeyondRage posted 11/2/2019 09:10 AM

I think that she'd need to be sociopath to hook up anytime soon.

Mickey, I had to chuckle at that. Take my word she is no sociopath. And I am counting on her not hooking up with anyone never, not just soon. If she does not get that at this point, maybe I will re evaluate my remark about sociopath.

Last night she came home earlier than I thought she would and when I asked why she said the group was going to another bar and that her place was home with me. I had given her no directions or "curfew" or said a word before she left other than have a good time.

I probably would not have been too bothered had she not come home. There is no way with the group she was with that any of these women would be doing anything fishy.

Buster123 posted 11/2/2019 10:39 AM

The fact she decided to come home instead of bar hopping is very good news and it shows that when she's out having fun, she's actually still thinking about you, it's definitely a good sign but as someone else mentioned this is an ongoing process and time will tell if years from now she will still be mindful and have good self imposed boundaries in place, hopefully she will, "unfortunately" for many of us (if not most/all) blind trust does not come back and we have to settle for some acceptable and good level of it, you're doing good on your part.

BeyondRage posted 11/3/2019 18:10 PM

Buster

The fact she decided to come home instead of bar hopping is very good news and it shows that when she's out having fun, she's actually still thinking about you, it's definitely a good sign but as someone else mentioned this is an ongoing process and time will tell if years from now she will still be mindful and have good self imposed boundaries in place, hopefully she will, "unfortunately" for many of us (if not most/all) blind trust does not come back and we have to settle for some acceptable and good level of it, you're doing good on your part.

Blind trust???? Not sure is that could ever come back for anyone in our little club here.

What made me feel pretty good about last night is I gave her absolutely no do's and don't and demands. I told her to have fun.

Now part of that probably is I knew all these women and I knew where they were going. But you have to take baby steps before any leap.

Her conference where girlfriend will be at is coming up. There is one more night out of town before that. We'll see how i feel during those.

Like you and others have recommended, I am letting her do what she has to do because she is thinking properly and not telling her what she needs to do.

DoinBettr posted 11/4/2019 09:15 AM

Last night she came home earlier than I thought she would and when I asked why she said the group was going to another bar and that her place was home with me. I had given her no directions or "curfew" or said a word before she left other than have a good time.

Don't over do it, but be sure to tell her you appreciated how she made you a priority even without you asking.
She is probably still in scared mode. Throwing out a "Good job" every now and again is really going to help her healing. Then she will appreciate your actions now during this dark time in her life.
I know it shouldn't be about her, just it helps grow stronger as a couple. So many waywards talk about being confused on what they are doing right and wrong. Remember she can't trust her own instincts, so reinforcing things helps.

BeyondRage posted 11/4/2019 13:33 PM

Don't over do it, but be sure to tell her you appreciated how she made you a priority even without you asking.
She is probably still in scared mode. Throwing out a "Good job" every now and again is really going to help her healing. Then she will appreciate your actions now during this dark time in her life.
I know it shouldn't be about her, just it helps grow stronger as a couple. So many waywards talk about being confused on what they are doing right and wrong. Remember she can't trust her own instincts, so reinforcing things helps.

Thanks Doin. Pretty good advice. I was pretty nonchalant the other night and didn't say much. But I did give her the affection she was indirectly looking for.

It is a fine line. I do not want her to think everything is all OK.

rambler posted 11/4/2019 20:50 PM

You should not give you wife a good job for doing something she should be doing. I can guarantee you when a group of women start going to another bar there will be men hitting on them.


Your wife made a responsible choice.


I for one do not see your wife creating again due to the lack of emotional attachment. However, if the same environment is created that allowed her to cheat it can be possible.

dblackstar2002 posted 11/5/2019 07:43 AM

Hi Beyond Rage, Didn't want to really add anything. Don't think I can give advice to someone who seems to have this down. Just wanted to say I love the way you handled this from the beginning. You should be the blueprint for how to handle situations like this. Too many times I see betrayed spouses start the pick me dace right away. You made it clear form day on you would not stand for disrespect. I commend the way you handled this whole mess that was handed to you. Good luck going forward...

BeyondRage posted 11/5/2019 23:15 PM

Hi Beyond Rage, Didn't want to really add anything. Don't think I can give advice to someone who seems to have this down. Just wanted to say I love the way you handled this from the beginning. You should be the blueprint for how to handle situations like this. Too many times I see betrayed spouses start the pick me dace right away. You made it clear form day on you would not stand for disrespect. I commend the way you handled this whole mess that was handed to you. Good luck going forward...

Dblackstar
Not sure I deserve so much credit . Yes I made it real clear there was going to be no pick me dance, but unlike many WW she believed me and provided information voluntarily that not too many of us BH get.
I think my DNA make up made it easy to skip the denial stage and go right to anger.
As I read some of these stories it is beyond me why so many either refuse or reject the polygraph demand and spend weeks , months , or years in limbo
But we all have to make out own decisions . Thatís why there will never be a pat answer that works for all

NotSureAboutIt posted 11/7/2019 12:35 PM

BR - I have followed your story from the beginning, but just noticed something when I re-read your first post: DDay was August 1st and your first post was September 2nd. Was that a typo or was there a month long delay. I ask because you accepted her diary as her contemporaneous timeline. If she had a full month before she handed it over, she could have re-written history. Hope I am wrong.

BeyondRage posted 11/7/2019 14:09 PM

Not Sure

It is not typo . I did not post on D day. There is no way that diary could have been created am matched up very closely to e mail accounts , two different ones , that were very closely aligned
How could she create e nails with dates on them retroactively .
She passed completely a polygraph using what she said in that journal as the basis for formulating the questions as well as the e mail accounts she turned over

Sorry. If you believe she planned all of this and created it all Iím not buying it at this point.

And if sheís that good then Iím just plain stupid

JJJCCC posted 11/8/2019 08:07 AM

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:46 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

BeyondRage posted 11/9/2019 04:49 AM

Well, looks like some genius decided to post the same thing on everyoneís thread . Why are their crazy people out there? Lol
Anyway back tom ďbusiness ď. Next week is conference where my wife will be gone two nights at fancy resort where our little hot wife girlfriend will be in attendance . They have had only short business e mail communication and this woman actually unknowingly did me a favor . She had to spend a day last week working with any of the reps in my wifeís district and she could have chosen to spend the entire work day riding to appointments with my wife but did not . She chose to go with someone else .
We havenít had any conversation about this conference since it was disclosed. My gut tells me NOT to make a major crazy issue but to just talk a little about what Iím ok with .

Stevesn posted 11/9/2019 06:45 AM

I think itís appropriate and for me would be required that your WW document how she intends to make you feel safe whenever she is out of the house.

I recommend you have such a discussion before she takes this two day trip to a fancy resort.

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