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Caught Her By Accident

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rugswept posted 11/9/2019 06:54 AM

It would be reasonable and wise to require updates from fWW whenever she has any involvement with "hot wife".

fWW should explain what kind of activities she was involved with. And you should make it clear she shouldn't socialize with hottie after hours, one on one, or where it's fWW, hottie and only men involved.

BeyondRage posted 11/10/2019 16:37 PM

It would be reasonable and wise to require updates from fWW whenever she has any involvement with "hot wife".
fWW should explain what kind of activities she was involved with. And you should make it clear she shouldn't socialize with hottie after hours, one on one, or where it's fWW, hottie and only men involved.

Rugswept, she has done the first sentence of your post. Otherwise I would have no idea that the hotwife might have spent a day or two alone going to appointments with her but did not.

If i have to make it clear to her that I do not want her socializing with this woman then she is not too bright but i understand what you are saying.

Stevesn

I think itís appropriate and for me would be required that your WW document how she intends to make you feel safe whenever she is out of the house.
I recommend you have such a discussion before she takes this two day trip to a fancy resort

Had the discussion. But here is the hard truth and anyone in corporate world will understand this. half or more of the attendees or more as in most jobs today will be men. There are cocktail parties after work day that they are EXPECTED to attend. I actually doubt if my wife would be going anywhere with hotwife friend anyway because hotwifes boss and other co workers from her firm will also be there.

I do not expect my wife to be out partying, which she understands, and quite frankly which she has not done in the past. She is very social, does her corporate "politicking", and normally does not stay out late at the bar.
If there was a threat, which I do not believe at this point, I would be more worried about some random guy from her company on the prowl that her going out with this woman.

BeyondRage posted 11/14/2019 10:23 AM

Well, she left yesterday and will return tomorrow evening. We really didn't say much more about it.

She called a few times and took selfies with her boss and district friends at the dinner table.

I asked if hotwife had bothered with her and she said yes, she came over, gave her a hug, told her she hoped we were doing Ok, and that there was no reason to ignore one another nut to keep it to business. I was OK with that. They are not hanging out together and not in meetings all day together, but will be more of today.

Last night my wife calls about 10:00 and is with a bunch of her friends from work and boss at the bar. i was OK with that. I know her boss fairly well and I do not want her acting weird to her work peers.

They we going out to another bar from the hotel but my wife did not go. She called me from the room at about 11:30PM.

So far I am not upset with anything that has happened. Of course I am not there so I have no way to confirm anything. Nothing suspicious to report.

She did confirm that hotwife and her husband will be at the Christmas party next month so that should be more interesting. i get to meet them up close and personal.

I guess i will get more details tomorrow when she gets home.

I slept well. This is something I have to get used to. It's no different than before EXCEPT that was all before she cheated so i guess it has to be different.

Odonna posted 11/14/2019 11:07 AM

Thanks for sharing. I think you have demonstrated good judgment and good insight here, and WW is deferring to you and trying to figure out what you need and to do it.

Thank you for the updates. There are so many lurkers here who learn by reading only, so it is a service to the community to share how your story unfolds as guidance to others.

fareast posted 11/14/2019 14:42 PM

Nice Update. Thanks for posting this. It helps others to see one personís experience and how you handle hurdles and potential obstacles moving on from DDay. You donít tend to overreact, you demonstrate good judgement, and you let your WW demonstrate on her own accord, how she will help allay any questions, doubts, or misgivings you may have. Keep on, keepin on.

BeyondRage posted 11/15/2019 08:49 AM

Thanks for sharing. I think you have demonstrated good judgment and good insight here, and WW is deferring to you and trying to figure out what you need and to do it.
Thank you for the updates. There are so many lurkers here who learn by reading only, so it is a service to the community to share how your story unfolds as guidance to others.

Nice Update. Thanks for posting this. It helps others to see one personís experience and how you handle hurdles and potential obstacles moving on from DDay

Ddonna/Fareast

That is what I was trying to do. I do not believe that most people just sign up and post their situation right away. They "lurk" and read. I know I did.

Not that I was inclined to do it, but it became evident that playing the 'pick me game" was the exact opposite of what someone should do. Unfortunately, too many fall right into that because of the tremendous pain.

To date, I am still amazed at the reluctance of so many suffering to go right for the cure which is not necessarily divorce or reconciliation but a polygraph. Days, months, weeks, and even years are wasted trying to find the answers to simple questions.

Just my opinion, but I think it is sometimes a form of denial and clinging to what the folks here call"hopium". If you do a polygraph and get the truth then you have to make a decision. If you are not sure its easier to kick the can down the road.

Thumos posted 11/16/2019 12:29 PM

To date, I am still amazed at the reluctance of so many suffering to go right for the cure which is not necessarily divorce or reconciliation but a polygraph. Days, months, weeks, and even years are wasted trying to find the answers to simple questions.

Just my opinion, but I think it is sometimes a form of denial and clinging to what the folks here call"hopium". If you do a polygraph and get the truth then you have to make a decision. If you are not sure its easier to kick the can down the road.

Agreed. I am glad I posted and finally came to that same conclusion. I will have a polygraph or I will walk. My work/travel makes it a little more difficult to do before the end of this month but itís happening one way or another.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:30 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]

Stevesn posted 11/17/2019 06:31 AM

BR

What did your W tell you about her trip when she returned. And how was her attitude toward you when she saw you again?

Did you end up having any concerns after you posted during her time away?

Would you have her do anything differently the next time she has to travel?

Thanks

notanotherchance posted 11/17/2019 12:19 PM

I myself could never have lived with my WW after D day by becoming a marriage cop for the duration of the M. Constant reassurance & updates while the WW is away.
A national enquirer marriage where every scenario is running thru your head from the minute she leaves till the minute she returns.
All the power to you if you can navigate thru all the crap and successfully R. I found it much easier just to leave the rotten stink of the A behind me and start fresh.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 12:20 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

BeyondRage posted 11/17/2019 17:57 PM

Stevesn

What did your W tell you about her trip when she returned. And how was her attitude toward you when she saw you again?

This is not the first of these kind of things she attended, and since i am also in the "corporate" world of these kind of meetings and conferences I know how they work. I did'nt cross examine her about every hour of the trip. She had told me about the conversation with the girlfriend, and shared that the second night the girlfriend and a few of her fellow peers showed up at a bar they were at at the hotel but they had not interaction other than to wave hello
Friday night she was very "romantic". Lets leave it at that.

Did you end up having any concerns after you posted during her time away?

Not really. I was happy she called and volunteered stuff but I really have no "angst" that she is going to fool around at anything having to do with work. She is totally aware that she has a great job for her, wants to work and contribute, and is smart enough not to jeopardize that at work. If i was going to worry about anything, and I am not saying I am, it would be some guy she runs into in her job that does the same thing while they are waiting in doctors offices or hospitals.

Would you have her do anything differently the next time she has to travel?

Not really. Remember, if I get twitchy about anything, then its polygraph time. But I have no intention of that unless I really have a gut feeling. I am not oblivious to what is going on, but all the "stimulus" is gone. no girlfriend , no away races, girls week ends away for now.

NotAnotherChance

I myself could never have lived with my WW after D day by becoming a marriage cop for the duration of the M. Constant reassurance & updates while the WW is away.
A national enquirer marriage where every scenario is running thru your head from the minute she leaves till the minute she returns.
All the power to you if you can navigate thru all the crap and successfully R. I found it much easier just to leave the rotten stink of the A behind me and start fresh.

I do not know your story or what happened. I have no intention of being a marriage cop by any means. And there are no scenes keeping me up while she is gone. She has travelled a few times now for one night and then the conference. I had no problem sleeping. Now so far no one has told me what she should have done that she has not so I guess she deserves some credit for that.
I agree its not worth it to make yourself miserable forever. Thats why I recently posted about how amazed I am that more guys and gals for that matter resist everything from telling OBS to VAR to polygraph. i am sure you gave careful thought to what you wife did and made the correct decision for you, which is the important thing.

Cooley2here posted 11/17/2019 18:34 PM

How is it that a mother of four girls gave herself permission to act like that? Were her APs married? (I havenít read this entire thread). Would she have sympathy for her children if they were cheated on? What in the hell happened to our morals?
I wish you luck. I donít blame you for not being the marriage police.

BeyondRage posted 11/19/2019 04:17 AM

How is it that a mother of four girls gave herself permission to act like that? Were her APs married? (I havenít read this entire thread). Would she have sympathy for her children if they were cheated on? What in the hell happened to our morals?
I wish you luck. I donít blame you for not being the marriage police.

Cooley

Not sure how any WW mothers give themselves permission to do that, and most WW are mothers if married. Also not sure what the gender of our children matters. I am guessing you are NOT saying if we had four boys it would not have been the same. Neither AP was married, both 30 year old single guys. Its in the thread.

I could write you a dissertation on what has happened to our morals but I would get banned.
But you are right on that or this membership into our little club here would not be growing at the pace it is.

[This message edited by BeyondRage at 4:32 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Stevesn posted 11/19/2019 06:44 AM

Hi BR

I think most or all of us acknowledge how well you have handled this difficult time and taken the right steps after DDay.

The one thing I worry about is how you are handling the pain of your wifeís infidelity. Perhaps you just donít like to write about it here, and if so, I respect that. But the feeling of loss and betrayal from choices like hers can be quite devastating for many, even those with WSís who take the most rebuilding steps to reconciliation after they are discovered. So what have you been feeling lately and how are you handling it?

In addition besides being transparent and honest, does your W continue to show remorse, proactively acknowledge and initiate discussion and apologies and still try and come up with activities to connect with you? You said that was occurring 3-4 weeks ago, but is it still?

I believe a truly remorseful WS who wants to rebuild will sew those types of actions into their DNA, making them part of their daily or weekly or at the very least monthly routine to show their BS they are ALL IN.

The transparency and honesty are totally important and good, but this other aspect of reconciliation are just as important, or perhaps even more. If youíre not feeling or seeing that from her then all the openness in the world wonít matter.

Just wanted to make sure we didnít just focus on transparency with you.

Thanks.

BeyondRage posted 11/20/2019 09:27 AM

Stevesn

The one thing I worry about is how you are handling the pain of your wifeís infidelity. Perhaps you just donít like to write about it here, and if so, I respect that. But the feeling of loss and betrayal from choices like hers can be quite devastating for many, even those with WSís who take the most rebuilding steps to reconciliation after they are discovered. So what have you been feeling lately and how are you handling it?

This is a very good statement and question. The statement about handling it well has to be put into context. other than the fact that she cheated, here is a list of what did not happen to me that permeates practically every other BH thread I have read.
(1) no lying
(2) no TT
(3) no breaking NC
(4) no emotional attachment to OM at all. Someone referred to it as "sport fucking, not affair"
(5) no resistance to giving up her hobby
(6) no lack of sex during this time
(7) no blameshifting
(8) total 100% transparency probably not matched too many times here voluntarily.
(9) cutting off personal friendship with girlfriend
(10) voluntarily took polygraph and passed. Wanted to do it sooner than I demanded.
(11) no wild sex acts with OM that have not been offered to me on a regular basis. In fact, nothing but the basics to OM.
(12) voluntarily left house when asked to go to parents.

I could probably think of more but thats a pretty long list that not too many can claim and makes my handling it well in some peoples eyes a bit easier than what probably 99% of what I have read here encounter.

Right at this moment, I cannot find one thread posted by a BH that would not have produced an much different reaction from me.

Does that make it good.??? FUCK NO!!!

My feeling, if I could attempt to make an analogy, is that I got hit by a sucker punch or knocked on my ass all day on the football field. And whether or not its in my DNA or a learned reaction from my sports background, but my instincts when getting knocked on my ass is to get up, dust my self off, and get back in the game.

I stated back in the thread, I feel no "emasculation". I have a great job, make good money, would have no trouble getting laid, which of course she offered, was never sexually neglected, have no concerns about dick size, and I could go on. Again, does that make it OK. I gave the answer to that.

I also posted that I believe a lot more BH would be less destroyed if they went directly for the "jugular", and immediately went to the VAR and polygraph to know what the fuck they are really dealing with. no way on earth i was spending months and years, not that I had to, pulling information out of her. If i could give BH advice it would be to get the fuck out of denial stage and to anger as quickly as possible.

In addition besides being transparent and honest, does your W continue to show remorse, proactively acknowledge and initiate discussion and apologies and still try and come up with activities to connect with you? You said that was occurring 3-4 weeks ago, but is it still?

The answer to this one is yes. Since she is NOT devoting all these hours to this running any more, we go to the gym together, we go to the shooting range together, we started swimming together, and I even have tried this spinning stuff. s a side not, these bikes are a little flimsy for my size but I havent busted one yet.
She has more time to cook, which i am shitty at, so we are eating together a lot more often, and each week end we go out to a nice restaurant. And she is initiating sexual contact often and anywhere in the house we happen to be.

Now, despite everything I just wrote, does that mean I am in the clear??? No it does not. I am still observant, but I am not frantically worried every minute she is not in my sight.

If you choose to try to reconcile from anything here, unless you accept that there are no ironclad foolproof guarantees you have a good chance to either fail or be miserable. And again, this statement is much more difficult to make for those that are getting a daily dose of the shit sandwich.

Hope that answers most of your questions.
Thanks for the thoughtful response.

thatbpguy posted 11/20/2019 11:17 AM

BR, I have kept up on your thread from beginning to end. I think you have handled this remarkably well and have great hopes that you and your WW are on a good path to R.

Betrayers are, to some extent or another, broken people. They need to identify their brokenness, and then learn to fix it. Alcoholics, whether they ever drink again, are still alcoholics. Same as waywards. The propensity to betray still remains. It's their way of handling certain aspects in/of their lives.

I hope for the very best for you and your W. A true R is always heartwarming.

Stevesn posted 11/20/2019 13:10 PM

Yes thanks for your responses.

Listen, by anyoneís standards here, you got this. You know what you need to do and how to do it and have the ability to get it done.

But there have been times that even the most in control betrayed spouse who finds there way here to SI has an unexpected breakdown at the weirdest moments about what their WS has done.

So if that happens, make sure you reach out, either here or to some IRL support.

That may be a discussion you want to have with your W ahead of time. Last thing she should do if you have an unshakable cloak of pain come over you, is to deflect and show frustration. Even if it never ends up happening, itís good for her to be prepared for it and actually do some reading about how to support you through it.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:11 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 11/20/2019 15:35 PM

The answer to this one is yes. Since she is NOT devoting all these hours to this running any more, we go to the gym together, we go to the shooting range together, we started swimming together, and I even have tried this spinning stuff. s a side not, these bikes are a little flimsy for my size but I havent busted one yet.
She has more time to cook, which i am shitty at, so we are eating together a lot more often, and each week end we go out to a nice restaurant. And she is initiating sexual contact often and anywhere in the house we happen to be.


Love this BR. I'm glad the two of you are spending more time together. This should help in your recovery and rebuilding your marriage and friendship. And the bonus is that the two of you are rediscovering each other!

You seem like a very nice and caring man, BR with a good head on your shoulders. I'm glad things are working out for you and your WW.

LemonCurd posted 11/20/2019 20:46 PM

Been away for a while just caught up and very happy for you BR, seems like your wife is being true to her word.

Xmas party will be a doddle.

Butforthegrace posted 11/22/2019 05:51 AM

This is a very good statement and question. The statement about handling it well has to be put into context. other than the fact that she cheated, here is a list of what did not happen to me that permeates practically every other BH thread I have read.
(1) no lying
(2) no TT
(3) no breaking NC
(4) no emotional attachment to OM at all. Someone referred to it as "sport fucking, not affair"
(5) no resistance to giving up her hobby
(6) no lack of sex during this time
(7) no blameshifting
(8) total 100% transparency probably not matched too many times here voluntarily.
(9) cutting off personal friendship with girlfriend
(10) voluntarily took polygraph and passed. Wanted to do it sooner than I demanded.
(11) no wild sex acts with OM that have not been offered to me on a regular basis. In fact, nothing but the basics to OM.
(12) voluntarily left house when asked to go to parents.

I agree with others that you have handled it well. You owned your anger, you acted decisively. In addition, as you note in the enumerated factors above, "on paper" your marriage is a very strong candidate for R.

Yet my mind keeps coming back to the same question: "Why?" For a married person who promises sexual fidelity, it really is a binary, almost Yoda-like choice: cheat, or not cheat.

You've indicated that your WW is smart, educated, accomplished, and most important to this question, she has been around the block enough to know what it means to go around the block, and to know when she is headed in that direction. She is also self aware enough to know that when one gets married, one of the promises one makes is to not do that again, forever.

I would caution you to be mindful that your WW needs to explore this within herself. Years from now you'll likely be wondering about the answer if she doesn't.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:33 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

elKAPPYtan posted 11/22/2019 18:58 PM

I have nothing to add, just spent a crazy amt of time reading this thread. BR, fantastic job handling all of this. I could tell from the first few pages that you had this thing figured out and weren't making the usual mistakes.

any update on when the polygraph will happen? I might have missed it, I skipped the last few pages.

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