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Caught Her By Accident

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Thumos posted 9/2/2019 17:24 PM

She says she doesn't really need a timeline.

The timeline isnít for HER. Itís for you. Tell her to pull her head out of her ass and write down a detailed timeline. What this will do is to force the issue and force her to stare down a blank page and LIE to the page sheís writing on. Itís harder to do. And then once you have it, her story will begin to unravel if sheís told lies upon lies, which is likely. Her just showing you emails and her journal is a way of manipulating you and continuing to control the narrative. Make her document t it from point A to point omega.

Thumos posted 9/2/2019 17:28 PM

Don't be surprised if she's blame shifted this onto you with her parents.
The old H was mean to me and made me cheat BS.


ShutterHappy posted 9/2/2019 17:29 PM

Keep you anger in check. I say this with your best interest in mind.

Ask her if this has ever happened before, ever since you started dating.

You should talk to your sister. You will need the support of a close friend or family member.

ShutterHappy posted 9/2/2019 17:34 PM

Also, never accept ant blameshifting. "I cheated because ...."

No, you cheated because you chose to cheat.

You could make her read her own journal...

Thumos posted 9/2/2019 17:34 PM

or go back to part time teaching spinning at health club and yoga and zumba,

Wow, I am not wanting to generalize about your wife, but I think we all know the type. Athletic, still in good shape, still a looker. A middle aged narcissistic woman who needs a steady stream of validating looks, flirtations and come-ons from OMís to feel as if she still matters. Sheís about to hit the wall of invisibility that is menopause and thought sheíd enjoy her final few years before that happens. You didnít factor much into that calculus, to be honest. Youíre dealing with a reptilian mindset here, just really think about that.

I know people get bent out of shape when I mention this last aspect of the invisibility years, but itís a true phenomenon for women that women talk about all the time. Truth.

Marz posted 9/2/2019 17:35 PM

Ask her if this has ever happened before, ever since you started dating.

Good polygraph question

Mene posted 9/2/2019 17:43 PM

You know you read these situations and you want to tear your hair out. You had a good marriage, raised four daughters. Worked damn hard to provide a comfortable, stable home. Went through the ups and downs of bringing up children and what it entails to raise a family. Things are going well. Children in college and youíre looking at rounding up a career with a few more years of work to build up the 401k and live a happy retirement with wife and enjoying the grandkids when they come along.

Then this happens! Why are people so fucked up? You donít deserve this my friend. No one does. It makes me think that this scenario is played out time and time again across the US and the world. Just sad. If she wanted this lifestyle, why not just approach you and ask for a divorce. She didnít cause sheís a cake eater. And you were going to be the chump propping it up. And she was hoping youíd never find out.

Something that is glaringly obvious to me is her hubris. Or perhaps she wanted you to find out. Why have the toys out like that? Even if you were supposedly at work.

To add insult to the wound she tries to emasculate you. Multiple affairs. Younger men. What a narcissist.

BeyondRage posted 9/2/2019 18:32 PM

Interesting this narcissist thing keeps being diagnosed.. Iím not qualified for that diagnosis but if it means one thrives on attention I think thereís a little of that in a lot of high caliber athletic types. I kind of got some thrill for lack of better word listening to ninety thousand people yelling when we ran out of the tunnel. Or when I wandered around campus ( I was not a star or All American) but no one would have guessed I played hop scotch . Am I a narcissist too . I have no fucking idea
The advice is helping. The diagnosis isnít at this point is all Iím trying to say . If and when the time is right I will get a thoroughly qualified shrink
I want her to not get her guard up by rejecting the journal and making her re write it. I want the original thoughts .
Please let me make this clear . You all are smart experienced people but donít personally know me. If anyone thinks she is going to manipulate the conversation or derail me from what I want to know just relax.
I know she has no belief that she is going to just tell me sheís sorry a bunch of times and that everything will go back to normal . Right now there is no normal
Thumos, you are partially right . She is fit, and my guess is depending on your tastes most would consider her a looker .
My daughters and her look like clones from the back . Same size dress , same long straight hair . But what job would be acceptable ? You really think that women who are not ďlookersĒ donít get hit on??? Iím am just guessing what she would do if she quit the job but I am not asking or forcing that. She taught the classes for years part time and had a real big following of 99% women .
Letís face it. A woman can get laid anywhere if she wants to so the issue is her not the job
Ok. Now itís time to watch the Notre Dame game. I need a mental rest for a few hours
I can handle the tough love advice . I am reading it all
Much appreciated

Marz posted 9/2/2019 19:24 PM

But what job would be acceptable ? You really think that women who are not ďlookersĒ donít get hit on?

You are correct. It's up to her and her boundaries. Being a marriage warden, etc would never be worth It to me.

If they want to stray they'll always find a way. You can't cockblock the world. It's not a life worth having IMO

Booyah posted 9/2/2019 19:25 PM

I know you don't need to hear this from me, but I'm proud of you for how you've handled things thus far!!

Praying for you. Hang in there!

ramius posted 9/2/2019 19:46 PM

I do not need a lawyer. my sister is an attorney and a true shark if I need one.


Do you live in a "At Fault" state?

dblackstar2002 posted 9/2/2019 19:58 PM

First thing you should ask is. If You wanted to do this, Why not just divorce me? Why not just say you are not happy and leave? Why put my health at risk, Destroy our family and betray me in the worse possible way? Why not do the remotely honorable thing if you don't want to be married anymore? Then wait for her to try and come up with a sane reply.....

Mene posted 9/2/2019 20:06 PM

Thereís no sane reply.

dblackstar2002 posted 9/2/2019 20:13 PM

I know this and you know this. But this will put this will make it crystal clear for him......

Striver posted 9/2/2019 20:47 PM

First thing you should ask is. If You wanted to do this, Why not just divorce me? Why not just say you are not happy and leave? Why put my health at risk, Destroy our family and betray me in the worse possible way? Why not do the remotely honorable thing if you don't want to be married anymore? Then wait for her to try and come up with a sane reply.....

Because... cheaters are selfish? If WW wants to fuck the cross country team, BH is probably going to hate her for divorcing him anyway. So why not test drive the merchandise beforehand? Maybe you won't get caught, maybe if you do get caught, and want to stay for some reason, BH will forgive you.

If you're the kind of person who wants to fuck the cross country team at age 48, why wouldn't you cheat? You're already selfish, from a selfish standpoint you have nothing to lose by cheating at that point.


Good call on nixing her journal. That is her turf and a product of the affair. If she wants to impress you, have her burn it. Have her write it out for you as you have said.

She is still copping the attitude that the cheating was special to her, that she has eaten of the forbidden fruit and has knowledge that you lack. You don't need to respect that.

Everything between you and her needs to be an away game for her.

Marz posted 9/2/2019 21:08 PM

Not sure it's tough love. Probably more like harsh truth. Not a lot of ways to sugarcoat what you're going thru. Keep in mind no one here wants you to make the same mistakes we all did.

No ones prepared for this.

Bottom line right now all you have is her regretting getting caught. She probably will think you'll just get over it and she gets an automatic second chance.

If remourse doesn't develope there always the possibility of a repeat. The capability to cheat is there. Your new reality.

A lot upfront just want them back without giving a thought to long term. Thankfully you skipped that. You'll do better than a lot no matter which way this goes.

Trdd posted 9/2/2019 21:16 PM

You are taking a lot of wise steps right now... much more informed than most. That's a great start to working through a horrible situation.

Many people here are diagnosing your wife and, maybe short of saying it, encouraging D. They don't know her or you... and you've actually shared very little here. So assumptions are flying toward you. Keep the advice here in perspective.... not all of it will fit.

As I think you know, take your time, get as much of the story as you can and then reflect on things. Your wife seems like she was not in any way planning an exit affair. That doesn't mean you should R, but it does mean there might be a chance to if that is what you end up deciding to do. A general principle to follow is no long term decisions when you are in the midst of trauma; if you can at all avoid it at least.

You are thinking more soundly than most. I am going to go out on a limb here and project a bit of myself onto you: use your business and logic side but also understand that emotionally this is going to hit very hard at some point if it has not already. Some of us can use the tools and skills we've acquired in other settings to soldier on through pain but.... the reality hits all of us sooner or later. You may be one who it hits harder, later.

Hang in there. Get the local help you need. Things will get better for you with time and effort, no matter the marriage decisions you end up making.

CincyKid posted 9/2/2019 21:17 PM

Your wife seems pretty contrite after getting busted. I donít think sheís a narcissist. If she was sheíd be cocky and arrogant about this and blame the cheating on you.

steadychevy posted 9/2/2019 22:09 PM

I have no idea if your WW is a narcissist, BeyondRage. I'm not qualified to make the call and it shouldn't be made without an evaluation by a qualified person.

I needed to know everything. It didn't matter if I was going to R or D because I didn't know that yet. I find it interesting that your WW asked if you were sure you wanted the blunt truth. Seems like there might be some pretty damning activity. My observation on that is to now not want to know everything would mean I was rugsweeping.

I think you are doing so well. Your perspective that you're going to ask all the questions and get the timeline and then, without warning, demand a polygraph to back it all up is pretty brilliant.

I would want the timeline, too, and being able to reconcile it with this journal that is supposed to reveal it all. As others have indicated, the timeline is for you. Why she would think it is for her is beyond me. She already lived it. You're trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

You seem to be very much in control. You still can make the decision to R or D. Make sure the decision you make is the best one for you. Given my arm chair evaluation of you, sir, that is exactly what you will do.

Thumos posted 9/2/2019 22:17 PM

you've actually shared very little here.

But hereís what he did share. His wife was packing sex toys, lingerie, condoms and lube to go have lots of sex with another man. And it wasnít the first time. And she did it repeatedly over a length of time with TWO MEN (at a minimum).

We do know that.

And people sheís contrite and hasnít blameshifted. Itís early days yet. Give her time.

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