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BeyondRage posted 12/2/2019 12:43 PM

Maruader

Honestly, I don't think most people here are trying to force you to make any one decision. I personally am not. It's more listening to your thoughts, what happened, etc, and then trying to give you advice in one way or another.
In my case maybe I'm just jaded. But to me personally, it feels like someone walking straight into danger. That's obviously subjective, and it might turn out completely wrong. It often just feels like the betrayed spouses underestimate the cheating one, a lot.

I don't think anyone is doing anything but voicing their opinion from their perspective. And I do not think you are jaded.

And you are also probably right, I am sure a lot of us underestimate things. But the point is there are not going to be any GUARANTEES no matter what we do.

My only point I was trying to make to you was that what you referred to as manipulation was actually what most BH wish they would get as far as facts and timeline goes with total transparancy volunteered immediately.

The1stWife posted 12/3/2019 03:14 AM

Reconciliation is a risk or gamble. Just like living with a recovering alcoholic or addict (food, sex, drugs, etc).

We are six years from Dday2. My H has changed. I see it Do I walk around worrying he will cheat again? No. Do I believe it could happen again? Yes. I’m not blind to the possibility.

And on paper he was not a candidate for reconciliation with this last being his second affair. But he proved he could change and values our marriage and me.

Your wife has shown you what you need to see. People make the wrong choice sometimes. It’s not always black and white unfortunately. I believe if the day comes and you decide the marriage isn’t working or you are unhappy - you will address it.

I hope you fully reconcile and end up happy and in an improved marriage.

Organic2003 posted 12/4/2019 01:33 AM

Hi BR
I just want to give my .02
I think you have handled this shit sandwich as near to perfect as anyone could.

I am no expert but I think I have a lot of experiences. I wish SI was here in 1995 it would have saved me 1.4M. I did everything wrong LOL!

I have endured a that first wife, I did not know she was sleeping with my plant manager. I have endured a second wife's serial cheating and have an amazing daughter because I stayed. I learned enough to help keep my son from committing suicide when he was cheated on. I have helped with my first daughters reconciliation.

There is way more than one way to handle cheating.

You took the advice, you acted, you got out of infidelity! I am sure there will be struggles but you seem to have a handle on things.

You write and think with an uncommon eloquence. You are helping others like you promised.

You are an asset to SI and all of us. Thank you for your time and sharing your intelligence.

I hope your R goes perfect and you live a long and happy life. Maybe years from now, even find humor in the stupid. My children were astonished that I laugh at my first wife who nearly wiped me out financially, when she was the cheater.

BeyondRage posted 12/7/2019 10:11 AM

Well, glad Thanksgiving is over. It was interesting to say the least. We went to one of my sisters as none of our girls were home.

My wife was very quiet and reserved. This is a sister of mine who is not and never has been particularly close with wife. I honestly think my sister was a little jealous but thats OK.

When we got home I asked her what was up. Her answer was that just being around some much family for the first time since D Day made triggered her on what she put on the line and risked. I guess that is good.

The next few weeks will be interesting. Next Friday night is her Christmas Party where I come face to face I am sure with hotwife girlfriend and her husband or boyfriend, whoever she brings. I am sure it will be husband, only kidding. Then Saturday night is my company Christmas Party. Busy week for sure.

Hoping to have three of our girls home for Xmas. One will be a tournaments over Xmas and will not get home.

One thing still awkward is her constantly almost trying too hard. I know that sounds funny but at times I am overwhelmed with all the attention and sex. I am not surprised as her make up mentally on everything is if effort level one does not get it done, just ratchet up the effort level. I guess I should not complain. If it was the opposite I'd have a bigger problem.

One a good not, her doing more cooking at home has had me eating healthier and I am down to 255. My doctor is a happy man.

Thumos posted 12/7/2019 13:11 PM

I am overwhelmed with all the attention and sex

Do you think she is love bombing? I am not suggesting she is, just asking. I’ve had this same doubt with my WW - but as someone pointed out to me, it would be difficult to fake love bomb someone for three years.

ramius posted 12/7/2019 13:30 PM

My wife was very quiet and reserved. This is a sister of mine who is not and never has been particularly close with wife. I honestly think my sister was a little jealous but thats OK.

In what way would your sister be jealous?

BeyondRage posted 12/8/2019 17:18 PM

Thumos

Do you think she is love bombing? I am not suggesting she is, just asking. I’ve had this same doubt with my WW - but as someone pointed out to me, it would be difficult to fake love bomb someone for three years.

Well, it has been no where near three years for me but I understand what you said about your wife. You know what you have to do for you.

I m not sure what you would call love bombing. We always had sex often but my wife is on a mission to repair this thing and I believe its one of the tools she reverts to. Now, take my word, its not all bad. Its way better than the opposite. She also is doing a lot of talking to me and asking if I want to talk at other times than our weekly talks.

RAMIUS

In what way would your sister be jealous?

My sister is just not as outgoing as my wife and her kids were just good kids who were normal kids that did not get a lot of attention. One is a critical care nurse, and the other is a senior in college. At times i think she wished she could have excitement with her kids like my wife did as far as all the sports and what went with it. it's not a bog deal. They do not fight. my wife does bot bond with her like my other sisters.

I am starting to get edgy on how i am going to handle this woman and her husband if they try to approach me just to say hello to my wife on Friday night. i have to figure it out before then so I can tell my wife the game plan.

On the one hand, I do not want to act like I am afraid of her by heading the other way if she wants to say hello to my wife. But I have no desire to do any socializing with them. There will be a lot of people there so I am sure they will not be in my face. I also do not want to act like an ass hole in front of my wifes peers.

M1965 posted 12/8/2019 19:14 PM

BR,

Why not just be honest with your wife and tell her that you don't want to meet or socialize with the hotwife and her husband? You do not have to meet them, you don not have to like them, and I am sure there will be loads of other people at that event that you will not meet with.

In your position, I would tell my wife that I do not want to have to interact with those people, and I would be grateful if she told them that, with respect, etc.

This does not have to be difficult, so do not make it harder by pretending that you want to meet the hotwife and her husband. In your position, I would not want to meet them.

Why not simplify things by telling your wife to tell the hotwife and her husband to keep their distance? That is what you want, and that is what I would want in your position.

Thumos posted 12/8/2019 19:25 PM

Honestly I don’t know why you feel you should have to put yourself in that situation regarding the party and the hotwife. It’s ridiculous and your wife should be offering ways around it right now. Just sayin’

buzzkill posted 12/9/2019 06:09 AM

I have followed along your posts for about a month. Have not had anything to add that didn't seem covered by someone else already. The Christmas party thing. I totally understand your thoughts on it. Not wanting to appear afraid to run into them. But also not wanting to talk to them. I would just have your wife send her a message asking that they plan to not mingle. It seems easier.
Btw. Could you PM me the type of VAR you used?

JS84 posted 12/10/2019 06:15 AM

Just make sure you're taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. Your story has moved so fast it's easy to forget your D-day was just a little over 5 months ago.

BeyondRage posted 12/10/2019 12:02 PM

M1965
Why not just be honest with your wife and tell her that you don't want to meet or socialize with the hotwife and her husband? You do not have to meet them, you don not have to like them, and I am sure there will be loads of other people at that event that you will not meet with.

In your position, I would tell my wife that I do not want to have to interact with those people, and I would be grateful if she told them that, with respect, etc.

This does not have to be difficult, so do not make it harder by pretending that you want to meet the hotwife and her husband. In your position, I would not want to meet them.

Why not simplify things by telling your wife to tell the hotwife and her husband to keep their distance? That is what you want, and that is what I would want in your position.

I did pretty much exactly what you said. I told her there was no reason for me to be socializing with them. I have no beef with this lady. My wife is an adult and made all her own fucked up decisions. The hotwife may have been the catalyst of the situation that started it all but never encouraged my wife to do anything.
I told my wife if we found ourselves in a situation where someone called them over to talk, which is unlikely, that I expect her to figure out a way to withdraw from the conversation without being obvious. That is not difficult.
It's all Ok now. Actually, I think they will avoid me, as my wife told her about my temper. And her husband will probably shitting in his pants thinking I might break his ass in half.

JS84

I never stopped exercising, which was always part of my life. We actually do a lot of it together now or at least at the same places.

Emotionally, I still every so often look at her across the table and get ready to hit the ceiling, but it passes.

I can honestly say she is in my opinion doing her best to do what is right. There have been no breeches of anything that would be considered a red flag.

[This message edited by BeyondRage at 12:05 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

buzzkill posted 12/10/2019 23:43 PM

There have been a few times where you have absolved the hotwife of wrongdoing. I disagree. She floated it out in front of your wife on purpose. It was chumming the waters. She flirted with the guys in front of your wife to try to gauge not f she was down. Could she become part of the big happy alternate ?lifestyle community. Ultimately your wifen s to blame but hot wife played her part on purpose.

[This message edited by buzzkill at 11:45 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

BeyondRage posted 12/11/2019 05:30 AM

There have been a few times where you have absolved the hotwife of wrongdoing. I disagree. She floated it out in front of your wife on purpose. It was chumming the waters. She flirted with the guys in front of your wife to try to gauge not f she was down. Could she become part of the big happy alternate ?lifestyle community. Ultimately your wifen s to blame but hot wife played her part on purpose.

Buzzkill
You’re free to disagree. You’re projecting your opinion on someone’s motives that neither of us know. While I have no interest in becoming friendly with this woman , I just am not going to vent my anger at someone who doesn’t know me, made no promises to me , and will not be effected by any decisions I make
Your premise that she tried to recruit my wife into a lifestyle is not supported by the facts. What she did do was be honest with my wife when questioned about her flirting and more with one of the guys.
She also cautioned my wife to possibly consider talking to me rather than cheat , she never introduced my wife to her husband who is a pretty good looking dude , and she advised my wife to come totally clean to me when caught. Advice that many therapists would have not given.
Too many BH here vent all this energy at the “ predators “ or any other term they use to describe OM when they want to absolve their wife sand play KISA .
The fact is my wife could have walked away any time she wanted to. But she did not .
I see all sorts of temptation every day at my office but I don’t bite .
My wife was asked more times than I could count by me if she wanted to become part of any type of non monogamous open relationship with both of us participating and the answer has been no
So to put it simply I don’t want to like or engage with this woman or her husband and will not but I’m not buying the manipulation theory you suggest

Dismayed2012 posted 12/11/2019 08:45 AM

"Too many BH here vent all this energy at the “ predators “ or any other term they use to describe OM when they want to absolve their wife sand play KISA ."

"The fact is my wife could have walked away any time she wanted to. But she did not ."

"I see all sorts of temptation every day at my office but I don’t bite ."

I FULLY AGREE.
------------------------------------------------

"My wife was asked more times than I could count by me if she wanted to become part of any type of non monogamous open relationship with both of us participating and the answer has been no."

MY EX TOO. Funny how they suddenly grasp onto monogamy when they think that their BS might get some action outside of the marriage also.

Keep taking care of yourself. You're worth it. You're the prize. I wish the best for you.

oldtruck posted 12/11/2019 09:07 AM

your first post you said WW's hotwife/friend
encouraged your WW to cheat.

oldtruck posted 12/11/2019 09:07 AM

double

[This message edited by oldtruck at 9:08 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

buzzkill posted 12/11/2019 09:39 AM

You are correct in that We cant say for certain what her motives were. I find myself suspicious of everyone these days.

BeyondRage posted 12/11/2019 10:20 AM

OLD TRUCK

My first post was before I got access to all the details. Most I think would have assumed what I did.

BUZZKILL

There is nothing wrong with being suspicious these days. I think it comes with the fall out.

All I am saying is unless we have facts or some other information we are guessing at motives on someones behavior that we are not privvy to,.

Butforthegrace posted 12/11/2019 11:01 AM

The fact is my wife could have walked away any time she wanted to. But she did not . 
I see all sorts of temptation every day at my office but I don’t bite . 

Here is a possible analogy. I have a friend who socializes with a bunch of Russians. As we all know. Russians can and do drink. A lot. Several years ago I was out with them at a show. They were doing shot after shot of vodka and/or tequila. Nobody was forcing me to do shots, nor even cajoling nor encouraging me, not at all, but it looked like fun so I started doing shots with them.

Big mistake. By the end of the night I was home (via an uber that I puked in), face down on the floor of my foyer, covered in my own puke. I had gotten in way over my head with those Russians.

Were they a bad influence on me? Sure, without question. But were they even a little bit active in encouraging me to do shots? Nope, not at all. They were simply enjoying their Russian good time. I chose to try doing it too, of my own volition.

My wife was justifiably very pissed at me for being such a disgusting idiot. She was not pissed at the Russians. They were simply doing their thing. I'm the idiot who decided to try doing it also. At the same time, my wife has no love for the Russians, she doesn't want me to be going out with them, and she herself has no desire to hang out with them.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:29 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]