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I donít understand how this should work

demolishedinside posted 9/29/2019 14:51 PM

I donít see how to be gray rock when heís living here but wonít move out.

He just told me heís ďgoing to his friendís party ď. Yeah. From high school. So you are telling me I have to just ignore and accept cheating while IHS? I seriously need to drink.

k8la posted 9/29/2019 15:41 PM

He wants to live like he's 18 again - file for divorce and let him figure out if he's going to couch surf or live with his mom like most 18 year olds do.

Best gray rock solution for IHS is filing for divorce and possession of the home so that he has to move out.

demolishedinside posted 9/29/2019 16:04 PM

I understand that but I donít have the money saved up just yet. I finally landed a job and have had two paychecks.

barcher144 posted 9/29/2019 16:48 PM

I donít see how to be gray rock when heís living here but wonít move out.

I set up a parenting schedule as if we were doing real separation rather than IHS. I left when it was her time to be the parent. She started leaving when it was my time to be a parent. It worked out pretty well. I might suggest it. Besides, it gets your children acclimated to a new schedule too.

So you are telling me I have to just ignore and accept cheating while IHS?

It is not cheating if you are separated and going to D. He is no longer your circus, no longer your monkey. You need to let it all go.

I seriously need to drink.

Grey rocks are allowed to drink. Just do it quietly so that he doesn't see. Drink with your friends...

demolishedinside posted 9/29/2019 17:21 PM

Well, there is shift work so itís tough to do a schedule as it is. His weekends off are the hardest.

It FEELS like cheating because heís still here. To me, Iím married until Iím not. I wonít be dating or sleeping around, thatís for sure. I guess the paper and the vow did mean something to me. The integrity of it...of who I am? I donít know. But it feels like another stab in the back to insist on living here and saying he wishes we could work it out, while getting back on Facebook and meeting old high school friends. Just sayin.

crazyblindsided posted 9/30/2019 12:00 PM

(((demolishedinside))) I know exactly how you feel. Mine will say he's working late or having a late night dinner meeting

Mine started love bombing via text over the weekend which I should not have responded to

He also was talking to me like we are still a couple

Thank god I am so shutdown and numb that I am just like WTF

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:00 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

barcher144 posted 9/30/2019 12:55 PM

It FEELS like cheating because heís still here.

I am sorry if my comment felt harsh. That was not the intent. I understand that it feels like cheating. But, the reality is that you need to let go. It takes time... it is hard... but if you try to let go... you will find yourself letting go.

To me, Iím married until Iím not. I wonít be dating or sleeping around, thatís for sure. I guess the paper and the vow did mean something to me. The integrity of it...of who I am? I donít know.

Being a grey rock is a lot like doing the 180. Doing the 180 is about taking care of yourself, first and foremost. This is definitely something that you need to do. You have suffered a lot of trauma and you need to work on yourself.

But it feels like another stab in the back to insist on living here and saying he wishes we could work it out, while getting back on Facebook and meeting old high school friends.

My first therapist once said... words lie, actions don't. The actions here are the honest ones. He does not want you back, other than perhaps as a notch on his belt, another admirer, etc.

p.s. I'm truly sorry if I came across as harsh. You get enough of that at home...

DevastatedDee posted 9/30/2019 15:14 PM

I think the only solution you have while you wait to be able to be physically apart from this person is to try and not give a damn what he's doing. He didn't take marriage seriously when you were all in, you think he's going to now that you're done? Of course not. He can't take marriage seriously, period. He sucks as a partner, period. You have the choice to take your end of the marriage seriously, but that's completely your choice and has nothing to do with him. I wouldn't suggest that you go out on dates at this point for your own mental health. Fuck his, I don't care about his feelings.

This will be something you survive until you can be away from him and thrive. In the meantime, he's not part of your future. He's already part of your past. He's going to do and say things to hurt you. Your only solution while you're in the same house is to work on detaching and not caring. Easy to say, harder to do. Start by really seeing who he is. Often with people like him, the more clearly you see them, the less you give a shit about them and the less power they have over you. When he does some asshole thing, accept that he just did an asshole thing and let yourself see what that says about his character. This is where your power truly lies. It's in clarity.

I see my XWH for who he is. I could walk in on him having sex with another woman and honestly not give a shit. Maybe pity her some, if she's in love with him. I didn't get to that point without admitting to myself who he is at his core and allowing myself to see it. It is a painful process because it involves letting the man you thought you knew die and admitting to yourself that you were snowed by a manipulative person. That hurts the ego. That hurts the heart. It's worth it, though. You'll get there eventually anyway, but it won't hurt to push that process along as quickly as you can since you're stuck sharing a house with him for now.

demolishedinside posted 9/30/2019 15:22 PM

Aw, Barcher. Itís ok. I just am so tired of all of this. So many years wasted on pain, you know?

barcher144 posted 9/30/2019 19:38 PM

So many years wasted on pain, you know?

Yes, all too well. Hence the apology. I'm trying to help, but I have that damn foot-in-mouth disease.

gimmeechocolate posted 10/6/2019 10:37 AM

My Stbx is still living here too.
It sucks. Iím basically ignoring him, but itís so difficult watching him buy new clothes and cologne and going out and staying out late and trying not to care.
Itís so unfair that he gets to decide to end our marriage and just move on like itís no big deal.

WhoTheBleep posted 10/6/2019 11:16 AM

I don't know if this will make you feel better, but when it's your turn for you time, do your hair and makeup and dress as if you are going out. Even if you just end up going to Barnes & Noble or Starbucks by yourself, or to a friend's house to sit on her couch and girl talk.

Let him wonder where you are going and what you are doing looking all dolled up. Say nothing to him when he asks.

You will feel better for having physically taken care of yourself, and let's face it, we girls tend to feel better when we take a little time to look like girls. Bonus effect is that it might irritate your cheating STBX.

StillLivin posted 10/10/2019 00:00 AM

Unfortunately, yes, that is how gray rock looks when IHS. You cannot control him or make him respect you. You just can't. However, you can just stop giving a F. Ignore him like he's not even there, and give him zero concern no matter how ignorant he becomes. Now physical abuse is different, call the police if it comes to that. Even if you're seething, never let him see that anything he does upsets you.
It sucks, its it's hard. I'm sorry you're here.

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