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Update-Confused more than ever

Virgo911 posted 10/13/2019 17:48 PM

So, she had a major breakdown last night. It's such a long story, but I'll give as short a version as possible.

At the last minute, same morning actually, she asked me to ride to Ohio with her and the kids for a family reunion. I had already made up my mind that I wasn’t going, but pressure from the kids, I went reluctantly.

Last night, I pretty much ignored her, and had fun with some of her family members. At one point, she went outside by herself, and I just assumed that she was talking to that girl. Anyway, she comes back in, stands over my shoulder, and then go sit next to her mom. Then she put her head down her hands, and the next thing I know her and her mother disappear. They go upstairs to talk, and then they come back downstairs. At that point she comes in the room where I'm by myself to sit next to me. And she's just crying, talking about it all the sudden hit her all what she was about to lose. Could’ve been the alcohol talking. I don’t know.

She said that she watched my interaction with her family, and it's what she wanted all along. Family was very important to her. And then she got very confused. She apparently was talking to the girl outside, and told her that she felt like she just wanted to cut off everything and start over. I asked her was the relationship getting serious and she said "no, no". Her mother then comes in and sits between us, and talks about relationships, her culture, and how we both have to compromise if we want this to work.
I'm still very skeptical.

Anyway, it was karaoke all night. She eventually asks me to show her family how to do a particular dance. So I went with it. After that went off, they kept dancing, and I sat down. A few minutes later, she comes and takes me by the hand and pulls me up to dance.

The rest of the night we didn't talk about anything, cuz one of ours sons ended up at the hotel with us.

The night before, I found a text to the girl saying goodnight baby. Today, I did go thru her phone again, and looks like she deleted everything from that girl. Not sure why, cuz she doesn't know that I have the new code. So, she thinks I can't go through her phone anymore.

Still moving forward with my plans. Attorney on Tuesday, but confusion has set in. And that's the short version. Am I an idiot or what?😕

allusions posted 10/13/2019 18:04 PM

One night at an alcohol-fueled party does not mean she's truly made a break-through epiphany. She is not a safe person to be in a relationship right now. I would suggest continuing with your divorce plans. Go no contact with her and don't get caught up in her drama and crocodile tears.

BearlyBreathing posted 10/13/2019 19:21 PM

Tears and words are easy. Actions are where real change shows, and she’ still in her A. Keep moving forward. If she really starts to change, you’ll see it in consistent actions over a long time.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/13/2019 21:45 PM

I agree. Continue with your plans. Don't get sucked back in based on one drunken party, especially with her family. It is very possible that she recruited her mother to try to draw you back in. Be very cautious.

She needs to be sober.

LostWillow posted 10/14/2019 05:18 AM

If she deleted and went NC with AP thats an action.

Just one. but it's an action.

You can continue with Attorney. You can stop D at any moment.

annb posted 10/14/2019 06:05 AM

I would continue proceeding as planned.

She just text the girl the night before, the next night she gets drunk and decides while intoxicated she wants her family?

Actions speak louder than words.

tushnurse posted 10/14/2019 08:51 AM

She is giving you some of the dreaded Hopium.

Step away from the pipe.
Step away from any engagement w/ her.
Do not communicate unless it's about kids or finances.

Do this for your sanity. NOT to bring her back. She is full of shit. She was trying to put on a good show for the family so that when you do walk away she can say "I don't know why she left" "I did everything right" . It's all bologna.

EllieKMAS posted 10/14/2019 15:01 PM

Her mother then comes in and sits between us, and talks about relationships, her culture, and how we both have to compromise if we want this to work.
I'm still very skeptical.

GOOD. Be very skeptical. That skepticism is your gut trying to tell your head and heart the truth.

And no - you do not have to 'compromise' by giving WW a pass on what she did, which is what her mom was saying here IMHO. There is no compromise on cheating in a committed monogamous relationship.


cocoplus5nuts posted 10/14/2019 18:56 PM

And no - you do not have to 'compromise' by giving WW a pass on what she did, which is what her mom was saying here IMHO. There is no compromise on cheating in a committed monogamous relationship.

Excellent point!

Odonna posted 10/14/2019 22:39 PM

Girl, you have to ask yourself whether her behavior up to that point taught you core truths about her character that you cannot overlook. Even if, from this day going forward, she does everything by the book of “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair,” you still have to consider what she has taught you about who she IS inside. If you are at all tempted to to offer another chance, it should come with a non-negotiable condition of IC for her.

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:40 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Virgo911 posted 10/16/2019 11:35 AM

Hey everyone, yet again another update. I finally got up the nerve, and met with an attorney yesterday and got all of my options, and I’m looking to move forward with mediation. I confronted my wife about the options, and she seem to be OK with moving forward. I’ll get a call later in the day today that she now wants to go to couples therapy. I’m getting so tired of this emotional roller coaster, and I honestly do not know what to do. Has anyone else done with this roller coaster ride before? I’m insisting that she do individual counseling as well. Otherwise, couples counseling is not going to work. I’m waiting on that response now. My head is about to explode!

tushnurse posted 10/16/2019 15:21 PM

Damn her.
She is just giving you enough to hope with . It pisses me off having see this so many times.

Refuse therapy w/ her. She is the one who needs it.

Be clear on what your demands are.
She stop cheating.
She stop lying.
She start therapy.
She commits 110% to your M.
And whatever else you want.

You tell her no couples counseling and no moving forward on anything for 30 days. If in 30 days she has not met your requirements you file. Period. In the meantime you do not communicate w/ her about anything except kids and finances, and you do through email. If kids need exchanged you use a mutual 3rd party for that. A friend picks them up and drops them off.

You need distance and time from this abusive pos so you can see that she is being an abusive POS.
Everytime you engage with her she pulls this crap. It pulls you back in confuses you and worst of all gives you hope. Remember this is the same person who left you last week and went to spend a week with their AP. You deserve better.

NoOptTo posted 10/16/2019 18:32 PM

Her cheating is not a couples issue. It's a personal decision. She needs IC way before any MC starts. Continue along your path. She needs to start showing you actions to show you that she is committed to helping you heal. She is just using words causing hopium in your head. LOOK at her actions.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/17/2019 06:04 AM

What tushnurse and NoOp said. Stick to your plan. Don't waste time and money on MC right now.

Virgo911 posted 10/17/2019 10:39 AM

TushNurse, you were right. After yesterday Morning’s request for couples counseling, she did not come home after work until after 9PM, claiming to have been drinking with coworkers. Only to follow up with a text to me today saying cancel the therapy, sorry for the confusion. This is all Because I asked her had she scheduled her individual counseling first. She was also bothered by the fact that I asked her where she was last night, and considering she just asked for couples counseling, I was hoping I would see some kind of effort. Her response was “oh, I don’t think I have it in me right now”.

Final kick in the stomach....AP’s name is the same as mine!😔

I am SO done now, and proceeding with divorce, nonstop.

[This message edited by Virgo911 at 12:29 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/17/2019 13:30 PM

I'm so sorry.

Does she have a problem with alcohol?

tushnurse posted 10/17/2019 13:44 PM

Tap into your anger, and let it fuel you to get some things done.

If she is still in your bedroom, move her out.
Give her a deadline to get out of your home.
Call the attorney and find out what you need to do to get paperwork filed.

Keep pushing. You got this.

Virgo911 posted 10/17/2019 14:00 PM

cocoplus5nuts, she may. When we met, she drank so much, she actually passed out in the street. We chalked it up to her being nervous. All through the relationship and marriage, there was no issue, but now I see her drinking way more than she ever did.

Virgo911 posted 10/17/2019 19:30 PM

Thank you, tushnurse. She’s out of the bedroom now. We’re discussing putting the house on the market ASAP. Also, I did speak with an attorney and in our state, we have to do the six-month separation, unless I do a fault based divorce, which I can file immediately, and it still gonna take months, and it’s a more expensive option. Right now we’re currently doing separation in the same house, but I have documented as of today.

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