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Moving on and Getting Over

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BrokenAnyway posted 10/13/2019 18:52 PM

I apologize as this is likely going to be a long post.

I had forgotten about this site -- I originally stumbled upon it a couple years ago during the first affair.

So flash back 2 or 3 years...I've tried to block it from my memory. I got a message from the husband of my husband's former ex gf from high school -- and ultimately he told me his wife and my husband were having an affair. I was shellshocked. My husband and I had been struggling and were in counseling, so things weren't perfect -- but he had assured me there was not cheating. It's been a couple years since then, but things haven't exactly gotten better. He's a generally miserable person. He eventually stopped counseling because he "didn't buy into it" which was quite clear because he never followed through and anything. But we have 2 kids, and I did not want the marriage to end. So he stuck around but was generally miserable and difficult to be around.

I eventually got tired of this...I was always begging for his attention. Eventually I started to see some of the same behaviors that predicated the first affair. And then, after him sleeping in a different room and being a roommate for a couple months, I confronted him and he admitted he "had feelings for someone else." I immediately told him to leave. He left and went to stay with a buddy. But like I said...we have 2 kids. That was in August of this year. My hope was that he would wake up and realize he was throwing away a really great life. Well he continued to act distant and started buying new clothes and work out all the time. I asked him to come back in the home, because the back and forth wasn;t working and I don't want the marriage to end. He assured me there was no one else, and there shouldn't be anyone else til we figured out what was going on with us. He's been staying at the house most of the time and just spending the night at his buddy's house.

Well fast forward to yesterday...I was just getting a gut feeling because he was so "on the fence" about coming back. He admitted he was "in love" with someone else. Some woman he met on one of the FIRST NIGHTS after I told him to leave. So he's IN LOVE with this person that he met 2 months ago. He doesn't know what love is.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It someone shouldn't hurt so much. But it does. He tries to twist it around and blame it on me and my reactions. He says he should have never told me about his feelings. I said he should never have gotten involved with someone else.

I am so despondent. I've been seeing my counselor for the past 2 months, but it still doesn't make it any better. I'm gutted. I blocked him on my phone and told him this is not his home anymore. He doesn't get to enjoy all the good things about a home and family and then get a chick on the side. I told him he can go be with her. I've read up a but on the 180. But I feel like there's no way I can be with him again. Even though all I want is for us to be together as a family. So I guess I'm just feeling hopeless and destroyed. He's taken away the only things that were important to me.

Our ten year anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks. How am i going to get through this? I have had some super lows over the past day.

And then today he says, well what if I eventually figure my stuff out, there's still a chance for us. I feel like he's just stringing me along. So I have to just block him out (as much as I can) for a while. I'm just so hurt and sad and hopeless feeling. Because even him saying that is a game...and I know I can't be with someone that does these things to me. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier though.

BearlyBreathing posted 10/13/2019 19:19 PM

Hi BrokenAnyway. Sorry you had to rediscover us.

1) Read in the healing library, breathe and then breathe some more. Donít feel rushed to do anything.

2) See a lawyer. In some places 10 years is a magic number, so sit tight. You donít have to decide anything, but knowledge is power and helps take some of the fear away. Found out what D might look like. Protect your assets. (And if you consult with all the sharks in town, then he cannot use them. Find a good lawyer in case you need him. You need to look out for you and your kids.

3) See your doctor ó get full panel of STD tests. He may well have been cheating the whole timeó cheaters lie a lot as you have seen. If you are having trouble sleeping or with anxiety, talk to your doctor about that too.

4) Keep up with IC. Itís good and will help. Remember you drive the direction, so change now to how to decide your next steps.

5) Gather IRL supportó best friend, mom, sister, clergy. Support really helps.

Tell us moreó how old are your kids, do you have a job that can support you, ...

Keep posting.

BrokenAnyway posted 10/13/2019 21:42 PM

The kids are 8 and 10. He comes from a shitty family situation, and it has absolutely impacted the kind of spouse and father he is. But you can only use that for an excuse for so long -- he is still responsible for his choices.

We both work, but I actually have a higher salary than him. If I had to, I could afford the house on my own. I also have more of a support system than him -- and I've tried to be there for him, but he's just become so toxic to me. I work in the court system. I know lots of attorneys and I see divorces everyday. I never wanted to be one of them.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/13/2019 21:58 PM


I'm sorry he has done this to you. You are doing the right thing. You are already showing that you are strong. You know he's toxic and are taking steps to protect yourself. Continue doing that.

Eat, sleep, exercise, stay connected with your support system. You can and will get through this, no matter the outcome.

BrokenAnyway posted 10/14/2019 07:02 AM

Reading through the material again, I am realizing I did pretty much everything wrong the first time through his affair a few years ago. And he came back and was faithful for a while, but our problems just became more amplified because I was so hurt and angry over what had happened -- and he never did any real work to earn my trust back or make things better.

I knew it was bound to happen again. I understand we have had our problems and our relationship has not been the best -- but he is so stubborn and unwilling to put in any work. His solution is just moving on with someone else. That's not what a marriage is to me. But that's what he's learned from his parents.

I did not realize the amount of pain one person could inflict on another. This time around i'm going to try to the 180....mostly for me, because I need something to help me move forward. We had a huge fight when he told me he was in love with someone else the other day. The kids were home. I feel terrible about fighting in front of them -- they are truly the best things to come out of our marriage and they shouldn't see that. I also think he should not tell me something like that with them around. But he blames me for being unreasonable in my reaction, and that he shouldn't have told me. Not that he shouldn't have gotten involved with someone else while we were trying to figure out our marriage.

I don't feel strong. I feel broken and hopeless.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/14/2019 08:22 AM

he blames me for being unreasonable in my reaction, and that he shouldn't have told me. Not that he shouldn't have gotten involved with someone else while we were trying to figure out our marriage.

This is so ridiculous! I can't even imagine how delusional and/or self-centered someone must be to think like this. What does he say about what he's doing to his children? Does he really care about them at all? He may say that of course he does, but his actions don't back that up.

None of this is your fault or responsibility or caused by problems in your M. This is all on him.

I'm a little confused. Is he living in the home again? If he is, then the 180 is the way to go. If not, take it further and go NC except for money and kids.

BrokenAnyway posted 10/14/2019 08:36 AM

So he was living here but just going to sleep at his "buddy's"...which I'm guessing sometimes was this other woman's house. So he was at home 90% of the time -- hanging out, getting to play video games or watch football or whatever, when it was convenient for him.

As of Saturday when I found out, I told him he is not welcome here any more, that this is no longer his home. He does not get to be present for the good parts about having a home and family and then go off and be with someone else and leave me to be hurt. If he wants to be with this other person, then he can take everything else that goes along with it. The cost of maintaining another residence (which, by the way, I know there is no way he can afford right now), and visitation with the kids on a set schedule, and not at the house.

I have him blocked for the time being, because I just can't speak with him. I'm too hurt. I have always been the primary one to take care of the kids.

I spoke with him yesterday and told him to take the kids for a bit (I just needed to be alone), and he said he didn't have anywhere to take them. He also backtracked on the being in love, and says he doesn't even see this person that often, and who knows what will happen with her. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. I cannot imagine having that conversation with my spouse like it was normal and acceptable. He also said, "what if a couple months down the line I finally get my shit together and realize what I'm missing out on." So he gets to go do whatever he wants and I should just accept it as "him finding himself"? I don't know. The whole thing is just ridiculous.

Stronger4it posted 10/14/2019 09:22 AM

"what if a couple months down the line I finally get my shit together and realize what I'm missing out on."

Well that would be terrific! A grown ass man having some introspection. I don't think so. It sounds like he just wants a holiday from being married. It also sounds like he is pretty passive about getting his shit together. He imagines waking up one sunny morning and missing you terribly, walking through the front door and into your loving arms.

Well you are a grown ass woman, not a doormat, not waiting for a man who may or may not come home. You are taking care of the kids and taking care of business. Make this marriage holiday final. See an atty, and get the miserablist out of your home.

BrokenAnyway posted 10/14/2019 09:35 AM

I know. I know I should just kick him out and move on. The problem is, I do still love him. And now I get the added bonus of getting to think of him with someone else.

So I get to stay and pick up the pieces and care for the kids all while dealing with my own heartbreak. It's a challenge to get up and go to work and go through the motions of everyday life right now.

I don't want a divorce. I don't want to think about him with someone else. I just want my husband and family together. I know this is unrealistic.

I'm doing the 180 with NC for me. Not even to try to get him back. Yes, a huge part of me wants that -- I want him to realize what an idiot he is and to coming running back. But even deeper down I think I know he's just not good for me, and he's just not a good person. It's not fun to come to that realization about someone you've devoted your life to and planned on growing old with.

Right now it just seems so unfair that I have to suffer and he gets to go off and "be happy" with some new woman he claims to be in love with. I'm sure it's easy to be in love with someone you see once in a while and don't have to deal with the ins and outs of real life like work and kids and bills.

So I'm truly doing the 180 for me. I need to find a way to get through the next few months and try to move on. I just don't want to feel so sad and awful anymore. It's exhausting. I was already so upset that we were having problems, but the cheating added a whole new level to my pain.

Ughh. Why is this so effing hard?

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/14/2019 14:05 PM

You have a good handle on the 180. A lot of BPs misunderstand it and think the goal is to get the CP back. It's not. The goal is to allow the BP to detach so she can see the truth and decide what is best for her. That's what you are doing. That is strength.

Married people don't get to date, which is basically what he's telling you he wants to do. He's welcome to date, just not while married.

BrokenAnyway posted 10/14/2019 22:48 PM

Nights are the worst. I can't sleep and meanwhile he's probably off having sex with her, with not a care in the world.

annb posted 10/15/2019 06:11 AM

Your husband wants his cake and eat it, too.

Honestly, I think you are doing the right thing.

This is his second affair that you know of, he is probably not going to change.

Why would you want to live with a constantly miserable person in the first place?

He's controlling the outcome, put yourself in the driver's seat.

He's playing a game with YOUR life, you are the only one to stop it.

There is a life out there without this toxicity in your life.

Your children don't deserve this either.

He will do what you allow him to do.

File for divorce, if that doesn't wake him up, let this man child go and build a life you and your children deserve.

josiep posted 10/15/2019 06:55 AM

I did grow old with my miserablist (great word).

Donít be like me. Youíre going to grow old anyway but dragging his sorry serial cheating, lying ass along is, IMHO, the stuff regrets are made of. believe me, having this happen in later years is really awful.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/15/2019 07:26 AM

Nights are the worst. I can't sleep and meanwhile he's probably off having sex with her, with not a care in the world.

He's a POS. You are better off without him. When thoughts come in about missing him, think of what an asshole he is. Do you really want someone like that? Let the POSOW have him. She deserves that shit. You don't.

Booyah posted 10/15/2019 07:33 AM

The situation you're in (that HE put you in) certainly sucks.

My advice, quit smoking the hope pipe, which basically puts you in a state of mind that is Not Real. Once the buzz wears off you'll be back to reality and what's going on and more important the options you have moving forward.

You can do nothing which is basically sticking your head in the sand and hoping that when you pop back up everything will be back to normal. You are NOT a child and this is what kids and cowards do.

You can let this little boy of yours (husband) continue to shit all over you and more importantly your kids who are watching all of this. Continue to let him be with another woman despite being married to you. You know know this is UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Or there's a third option.

Which is to quit playing this game with him (yes it's not just him because you're allowing it thus playing along). I know you love him but does ANY of his actions say he loves you? Do you think so little of yourself (and your kids) that you're ok with this?

Stand up and just don't say "you can't be here anymore"...but go see an attorney and file and have his ass served and end this freakin nightmare he's putting his loved ones through.

Maybe it will wake him the F up but that isn't why you do this!!
You do it because when you took your vows it was to each other. Not this whore that he's off fucking.

I know this sucks and you just wish that this whole thing would just go away. My heart breaks for you and your kids.

This nightmare ends when YOU say it does!!!

Time to get PISSED off and TAKE ACTION.

This husband of yours is not a child that you can put in time out or ground him for the day for doing what he's doing. He's DESTROYING your family and your kids are watching all of this and you're letting him have more time to continue doing what he's doing with the HOPE that he'll change???

Again put the hope pipe down and get back to reality and do what you HAVE TO DO!!!

MalibuBayBreeze posted 10/15/2019 07:35 AM

In some places 10 years is a magic number, so sit tight.

Exactly what I was going to say. The 10 year mark makes a huge difference when it comes to a D settlement. I wouldn't make any moves legally until that date passes.

I'm sorry that your anniversary has to be looked at that way rather than what it should be which is a loving celebration of your marriage. But you didn't make it this way, he did. Anniversaries are extremely hard and bring up a lot of emotions. It's normal. But you will get through it and I highly recommend you spend it with those close to you. A family member or friend. Someone who will give you that support and that shoulder to lean on.

Look up the laws in your state to be sure but I do believe the 10 year mark is significantly important in most if not all states.

MamaDragon posted 10/15/2019 10:06 AM

Stay NC, make sure you get to that 10 year mark. Go talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are though. Knowledge is power.

His question of What happens if I find out I want to be in the marriage in a few months? You answer like this :

"In a few months, I may or may not be here waiting on you - that is the chance you take. Just make sure you can live and be happy with the choice you make today bc I'm taking control of my life today."

Stay strong! Sometimes the 180 shows you how strong you really are. Sometimes, becoming stronger shocks them into wanting you back, but who knows - you may decide you don't want him!

BrokenAnyway posted 10/15/2019 21:05 PM

Thanks everyone. I started the divorce paperwork today. It's a bit tricky because although I do know a lot of lawyers, many of them won't take my case because it puts them in an awkward situation since they know both of us. The one I spoke with today is willing to help draw up all the paperwork as long as it's uncontested. I just can't guarantee that at this point. Right now, he seems to be "playing nice" and swears that he won't have the kids around anyone without my knowledge or permission. The problem is, we all know what his word is worth. And at one point he mentioned that he would not ask for spousal support (eye roll).

I haven't officially filed the paperwork -- or told him that is my plan. I will check with my lawyer friend tomorrow whether or not the 10 year mark means anything here.

So far, I've been sticking to my guns with the NC. I packed up all his shit last night and met with my IC today. I know I can't be with someone like that --- I'm just grieving the person I thought he was (but clearly isn't) and what I thought my life would be like. Honestly the worst part right now is thinking of him being with someone else. Like he gets to run off and be happy with this person who he tells me is "sweet and nice" and I'm left dealing with this shit. ughhhh.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/16/2019 06:28 AM

Again, you are doing well. You may not feel strong, but you are acting strong. That is good.

Let's flip the script a bit. What would you say to a dear friend or one of your children if someone was treating them the way your CH is treating you? What would you think of that cheater? How would you feel about them?

My guess is you would be disgusted by the cheater. You would tell your loved one that they deserve so much better. The person who is cheating on them is not worthy of their love. Now, say that to yourself.

Your CH is not worthy of your love. I want you to really think about that. Why do you still love him? What do you love about him? If it's like most of the rest of us BPs' situations, you'll discover that the things you love about him aren't real. He is not who you thought he was. He is not a good, decent, responsible, reliable, respectable, loyal man of integrity. He is a lowdown dirty cheater and liar. Why would you love a person like that?

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/16/2019 08:47 AM

Oh gosh BrokenAnyway - you sound so much like me that it breaks my heart (except my WH never admits he was in love with his AP - just that he "thought" he was). I can only tell you that the limbo, and the hope, will kill you eventually - but I think you know that already too. My WH did most of the things you said down to saying it was a game.

It's gutting and I'm sorry you are here. If you are like me then you don't know how you will feel later today, nevertheless tomorrow. I miss talking to the person who was my best friend - I haven't had a message from him in 3 days on my phone - I can't remember a time when his name wasn't in the first few people last contacted. Now - I would have to scroll several pages down to find it. It's just gutting - and while I know I should not care after what he did - I do. I'm guessing that you go through similar feelings, and they are, well, normal.

So be kind to yourself and do what you need to do to get through the day for now, read, and talk here and with people you can trust IRL if you can.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:50 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

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