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Sad and scared

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Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/15/2019 12:32 PM

Can someone tell me that reconciliation is worth it?

Reconciliation is very much WORTH IT...but only if BOTH spouses are ALL IN. From what you have written...this seems very POSITIVE .

Or better yet share your positive reconciliation story that will give me hope?

I can tell you where there are 25 PAGES of POSITIVE Reconciliation Stories . Click on the Reconciliation Forum...and you will see the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread pinned to the TOP of that Forum . Page 24 actually has the majority of the stories from Betrayed Husbands!!!

If you start on Page 1 of that thread...you will see that most of the people who wrote their posts are no longer posting on this site. I thought that was very strange when I first joined 5 years ago. I mean...WHY would people who are happily reconciled NOT sharing their stories on here??? As I started to HEAL...I realized why .

This site was a Godsend to me when my pain was so RAW from being thrown into infidelity HELL . I could cry...rant...RAGE on here...and people who knew what I was going through were right here with me...helping me along the way . I am no longer IN infidelity HELL . In fact...I very seldom post in this Forum because even though I know I was in this place once...it is so far away from where I am NOW . I have not posted nearly as much as I used to. Sometimes I try to write a post...but then I delete it because I can't seem to get to that place where I can empathize with the OP. I now understand why people don't stay here. LIFE is happening...and it can be so beautiful on the other side of infidelity !! Not every WS is R material though...and I don't ever want to give a BS a sense of false hope.

Three months is still so new to this. The emotional rollercoaster hasn't even begun to put you through all the twists and turns. Just KNOW...that you WILL get through this...and you will HEAL . Your M may not survive infidelity...but YOU WILL !!! IF your WW is truly ALL IN...then the chances are very good that one day YOU will have a Positive Reconciliation Story to tell!!!

recovering2018 posted 10/15/2019 12:52 PM

If I were in your shoes (and I'm not), I like other posters, would want to understand the sudden reconciliation better.

You could user your leverage against AP to get his perspective, understanding that he might be full of cr*p.

You could ask for a polygraph and hope for a parking lot confession if she's not being honest.


[This message edited by recovering2018 at 12:56 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

ScarredSurviver posted 10/15/2019 13:36 PM

The rapid turn around on her part is very suspicious. There's a lot more to this story that you don't know yet. It's up to you to investigate it. I'm truly sorry you're here dealing with this, but definitely tell the other betrayed spouse. That's the best way to make sure the A is dead and not deep underground. She may have more details than you do.

Did you get a timeline? How do you know it was only 9 months and how do you know this was the only one? Not trying to put bad ideas in your head, but I want you to be prepared in case more bad stuff is revealed.

LifeisCrazy has good advise, but so does everyone else. Only you can decide what you need and what is applicable to your situation.

Zirconia posted 10/15/2019 14:04 PM

I think this is one of those situations that require the benefit of being privy to every moment you have experienced, you could start writing now and I wouldn't know how you feel.

I can tell you I was married 31 plus years and found out about my WW over the summer and was completely shocked. I still am to a large degree.

I didn't know what a 180 was but fortunately I did a 180 anyway. Within 72 hours my WW had read four or five books, within 96 hours she was in IC, she pdf'd and organized every message on her various AP contact spots and gave me her passwords and mirrors of her phone and pc so I could check.

She has done everything plus, I can tell she is truly disgusted with her behavior. I finally broke down and did IC for myself and it opened my eyes to a few things I didn't realize. The most important is that I am the type of person who can't reconcile, I will never move forward from that day. It will always be on my mind, and it will always cloud my thoughts.

The key the therapist zoned in on was something I was upset about in her messages. One day I needed a ride, I was very sick but had to help a friend. The friend drank too much so I called my wife. Three hours no answer. I ended up walking back in the rain / sleet. I found out a couple of weeks ago she didn't answer because she was with him.

My therapist pointed out that maybe if I wondered about the sex, or their words, it would be one thing, but to carry this sort of hurt shows I would be better off ending this.

I have read a number of stories of successful reconciliation, I know it can be done. I am sorry to say I am not someone who will ever know. You are you, and I am hoping you can reconcile and be happy if that is what you choose.

She made her choices, she feels bad about those choices, I made mine, I wish it didn't have to be this way, but it is. I came to the conclusion that I can forgive her but I can't reconcile.

HellFire posted 10/15/2019 14:15 PM

There's always the possibility of a burner phone.

She works with him. You are assuming she is telling the truth about any contact. That's dangerous.

By not telling his wife, you are keeping secrets for him. You are an accomplice in this secret. She deserves to know.

tbkjcn posted 10/15/2019 14:42 PM

BiD, I am not here to tell you to divorce you wife, nor am I here to tell you to reconcile with your wife. I can't tell you she's lying to your face, nor can I tell you she's the very model of remorse. That's not for me, or anyone else, to decide for you. The most we can do is offer our collective experience and give you tools to figure out what path is right for you. Either choice is a valid answer for getting out of infidelity.

What I am here to tell you, is that you owe the other betrayed spouse the truth about her marriage. She deserves to know the truth as much as you did. I'm going to guess this isn't his first rodeo, and he is putting her health at risk, and she continues to live in a lie. She may already suspect and just needs proof. She may not want to know. She may choose to not believe you. But she deserves to know.

I don't post a lot in JFO anymore, my voice tends to get drowned out in the chorus of "She's still in love with him" and "She's probably still having sex with him," but when I see someone hesitating to tell the OBS what's going on behind her back it tends to bring me out of lurking.

You see, I found out about my ex-wife's activities (you can go back and read my story if you really feel the need) because the OBS left an anonymous message on my answering machine. Six months after she found out. That's six months I continued to live in a lie. That's six months my health was continued to be put at risk because I didn't know. That's six months I could have used to decide what my future was going to look like. Please don't make her wait six months to know the truth.

As I said, she may already suspect and just needs proof or confirmation. She may have no idea and think everything is OK. She may doubt or not believe you. All I ask is that you use a little more tact that was used with me. The message I got was two sentences -- "I'm the wife of the guy your wife's fucking. I thought you should know."

Tell her, but in perhaps a more kind way, no? In my case the OBS told me because she wanted to hurt my wife. She wanted to ruin her marriage as hers had been ruined. Telling the OBS is not about revenge, it's about letting someone know the truth.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 2:43 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 10/15/2019 15:18 PM

Hello BiD:

I still feel like some things in your timeline aren't adding up. This forum (JFO) is to offer support to betrayed spouses in the throes of discovery, so I won't impeach you with your statements. I will simply say that this is a forum of anonymous strangers who have all been impacted in some way by infidelity. Together we have a pretty strong crowdsourced reservoir of wisdom and hard-won experience. But by the nature of these forums we can only offer advice based on what you tell us. That works best if you are transparent with us. Since we are strangers, you have no real downside to doing that. I sense you are withholding stuff, or shading in some kind of way. Just a feeling in my gut.

The confrontation with your WW at the hotel is, quite honestly, the most disturbing, hateful, disrespectful moment I think I have read about here on SI. I have read about many instances of a BH confronting his WW about having sex with another man. In many cases, she takes it further underground and sneaks around to continue seeing him, or lies to her BH about seeing him, etc. But I don't believe I've come across another thread where a wife, caught in a hotel with another man, looks her husband in the face and tells him to go away so she can continue fucking the other man.

I frame it that way for a reason. There are a few elements that most agree need to exist if R is going to work.

The first is coming to grips with the reality of who she is at present. At present, your wife is the kind of woman who will look you in the face and tell you to go away so she can fuck another man. You know this about her because she has told you this with her actions. Usually, when a person tells you who she is with her actions, you should believe her.

For R to work, she has to figure out what is broken in her soul that would lead her to commit such an act of express violence against her husband, and fix it. Until she does, she is not a safe spouse.

The second part is that "ephemeral matter of the heart". You have to be able to believe, in your heart, that you are her Plan A. I don't have any way of telling you how that works. It's different for every person. But in general, the experience here is that it can take years for you to reach a place where you believe this. It's a huge investment of time, energy, and pain by you. If you are considering making that investment, you want to be pretty sure it has at least a reasonable chance of success, because she is doing the work of fixing herself.

Finally, there is the question of the "line in the sand" issue. Every BH has one. It's personal and subjective and only you will know. Zirconia (above) talks about realizing that his WW left him alone to walk many miles home in the cold sleet, with bronchitis, so that she could have sex with another man. That is his line in the sand. There was a thread here where the BH's WW had unprotected sex with another man in the afternoon, then let her BH perform oral on her that same evening. His line in the sand.

Which brings me back to the confrontation at the hotel. As another poster has mentioned, this moment will be your companion, for the rest of your life. If you stay married to her, you will look at her face and periodically see her telling you to go away so she can continue fucking another man in a hotel instead of joining you and your kids on vacation. Can you see yourself reconciling from that?

On other point, as other posters have said, you absolutely should tell the OBW, right away. It's the decent thing to do.

What I am here to tell you, is that you owe the other betrayed spouse the truth about her marriage. She deserves to know the truth as much as you did. I'm going to guess this isn't his first rodeo, and he is putting her health at risk, and she continues to live in a lie. She may already suspect and just needs proof. She may not want to know. She may choose to not believe you. But she deserves to know.

DoinBettr posted 10/15/2019 15:24 PM

I have not contacted the other BS nor confronted the OM. I will if he reaches out to my WW again but I think i'd rather just be shut of them.

You do know why we all keep telling you to tell the BS right? Read the stories on this page. The wife is in your shoes. She needs to know or she will have a blind siding discovery like you had. It also ensures your WS does not ever contact him again. You think you have some special off faucet for those feelings your WW developed. You don't and she doesn't. Tell her she needs to tell the other spouse for closure as long as it doesn't get them fired. This will put the AP on a tight rope to stay out of your marriage. Just like your wife had feelings, who says he doesn't. Who says he isn't just getting more clever ways to lure her in. Sorry if this makes you paranoid, but you can ask anyone, the AP doesn't just "disappear."

Now to all the negative posts. Your wife is most likely trickle truthing you. It is part of the survival mode your wife was/is in. She knows her actions drove you away, but she knows she is sooner or later going to have to tell you something that will break you again. Your WW will wait until she knows your marriage is strong enough to handle this last strain. Be ready and add exercise to your regiment. It always removes a lot of your anger.

@Daysgnbye My WW tells me she stopped her affair because she didn't want to lose everything we had together. I think I believe her.

Something you should ask your WW to do is to write out what those things are. I am a big fan of something my counselor did. You and your WW write out 30 reasons you chose each other. She needs to very clearly mention some of these are things the AP was never going to be and why she wants you. This is to rebuild your self esteem.

Question: Why do you want to move back in? We would all tell you, give it 6 months if you can take that without financial strain. She can wait and needs to learn patience. In a year she screwed you up for the rest of your life. She needs to let you heal on your time table. The 6 months is because you went (Bargaining to Sadness). I don't see anger. Sure the counselor can fix some of that, but your wife needs to see that. It is part of the healing. Sorry, the injustice portion will kill you if not.

I recommend 6 months staying away and the book, "Co-Dependent No More." Your first response to losing your wife was to end your life. It says you tie a lot of self value to her. You kind of need to break that tether. You need to run on your own sometimes and she chases you. Not always the other way around. Sorry, women need space like men do sometimes.

Last thing. The children you have raised for the last 12 years, what was that relationship like after the affair. Be careful with that. You should have a conversation with them prior to returning. They should have been your #1 advocates to come "HOME". Home is people.

Your WW needs to see she took that away in 1 day. That is going to hit you in the face sometime. Hence the 6 months. I don't want to aggravate you, that is why I said you need as much time as you need to find that anger and rope it down.

She needs to sign over some of the power in the relationship too. It will make you feel more ownership in the marriage and security.
Then you don't feel like the house guest for the last 12 years. That is tough because she needs that because the kids are hers. Something to talk to her about though in marriage counseling.
A rough exercise before you get back into the house. She needs to write out how she would react if you cheated and how she expects you to react if she cheats again. It helped my buddy who was in a similar position. His WW was cheating with her ex (father of 2 of their 3 kids), it got really bad. She moved in with her ex. Then when she wanted back she needed to layout the rule in writing like I am talking about. The what she would expect was stupid. Then the counselor apparently said, Chad(My buddy's fake name) you have a revenge hall pass. She(counselor) then said, what do you expect his consequences to be. (She cried for a day when she saw that was a possible outcome.) He had to tell her why he wouldn't do that, btw. That counselor I heard had some real edgy stuff that worked.

Good luck. Keep us updated.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 9:20 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Robert22205https posted 10/16/2019 04:38 AM

Tell the OBS without warning your wife or the OM. It's the kindest thing you can to for her. Otherwise by taking no action you become a co conspirator.

Finally, BS all report back that telling the OBS provides an unexpected satisfaction from you being in control.

Also the OBS is your best ally to break up their affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy.

Westway posted 10/16/2019 13:16 PM

@Daysgnbye My WW tells me she stopped her affair because she didn't want to lose everything we had together

I find this problematic. Was she afraid of losing you to the exclusion of all else? This to me would be her saying that she was afraid of losing the stability and comfort of the life you had worked so hard to give her. I would be highly doubtful that she gave up her AP for YOU. Because during the affair she did not love you. Don't kid yourself. She did not.

What your WW did to you on D-Day at the hotel was heinously cruel and sadistic -- almost psychopathic. And then to turn around a couple days later and go in the exact opposite direction? No. I wouldn't buy it. For this reason alone I fear that she will never be a safe partner for you given that she has not had to suffer any real consequences. She got to have some new dick, get wined and dined by another man, get her ego stroked and live in a fantasy land for many weeks. What does she pay for all that? Nothing. She will get to go back to the life she had before with few repercussions of any kind.

Here is what you get out of this sweet deal: hourly mind-movies, years of doubt, soul-shattering agony, anger, frustration, sadness, emasculation, fear of future adultery, uncertainty, loss of faith in man and God, stress, permanent damage to your psyche, distrust, disillusionment... the list goes on and on.

I'm not saying you shouldn't reconcile with her. What I am saying is you need to call her on her bullshit every time she says something you know is horseshit, or acting in any way that is less than contrite.

[This message edited by Westway at 1:16 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

DjDjani posted 10/19/2019 12:39 PM

So,your wife says that she was fucking him thw whole weekend and in the pause of sex she was thinking what she will loose. And what is that? You taking care of her and her children. Her children love you that much that they didnt even wanted to go on holiday with you? Great love. And your wife? After she found out that OM will never look for her kids like you are,he has his own kids,then she decided that she will stay with you. And if she falls in love with some guy in the future,now she nows that she can fuck him a

pleasedontbetrue posted 10/19/2019 13:41 PM

A lot of people never get over it. You may be one of those. For some it's just a dealbreaker and that's ok. It's your decision to make.

Edited to add:

I really feel like the POS backed off after you found out and burst her bubble. Please tell his wife.

[This message edited by pleasedontbetrue at 1:50 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

goalong posted 10/19/2019 15:35 PM

Then, on Monday, my wife texted me that she wanted to reconcile. Part of me is ashamed to admit that I remember that as one of the single best moments of my life


A proverbial Plan B. The POS exited. But nothing to be ashamed of it. It all depend on your dependency on her emotionally and otherwise. However hope you contacted POS wife otherwise the pos will continue his game and his poor wife has no clue.

[This message edited by goalong at 3:41 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

ShutterHappy posted 10/19/2019 16:12 PM

brokenInDenver,

What your WW did to you was absolutely atrocious and Iím sure you must be traumatized by this. Please seek IC and take care of yourself. Donít keep this to yourself, talk to a good friend or a close family member.

Accepting her offer for R after her weekend of fun and your weekend of torture is an understandable reaction. You just wanted the pain to stop.

But now that this weekend is gone, you need to ascertain if your WW is R material.

The SI crowd, who read and helped hundred of infidelity stories, is mostly skeptical. Every single posters here root for you, and their posts is for you to get out of infidelity . It might not be what you want to hear, but the replies here are there to help you.

Did your WW provided you with a timeline? Is she absolutely devastated by the pain she has caused you? This is important.
The only way your WW can establish trust again is for her to understand and empathize with your pain so that it never happens again.

You have been heard and we will support you, post often and take care of yourself.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:13 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

ShutterHappy posted 10/19/2019 16:18 PM

Also, telling the OBS achieves two objectives:
- you are doing an act of kindness
- you are testing whether your WW is truly NC with the OM.

It happens all the time here on SI. The BS informs the OBS. 30 minutes later the Wayward calls the betrayed : "What did you do? How could you do this to him/her?"

When that happens, you know they are still talking and the Wayward is still rooting for the AP.

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