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Confused and hurt

Verysad19 posted 10/17/2019 08:39 AM

I recently just found out that my husband of 7 years cheated on me while traveling for work. He just got a new job and was in California for 5 weeks. I'm ashamed to say this isn't the first time and the last instance happened two years ago before I got pregnant with our second child.

I found out because when he came back from California he was asking very...different. and just saying things that were very odd to me that he's never said before. I regret it now but I went through his phone and there I found text history with so far 2 women. One is married also and the other is not. I asked why he said he like the attention and flattery. One even sent him money so I made a joke "oh so she's your sugar mama now?"

Since he has a traveling job he is expected to leave out again on the 24th, and yes the other two women will be on the trip. He is now wanting me to decide if he should. I told him why does my opinion matter now you were so anxious to get back to them before I didn't know. I'm hurt and sad right now I dont care you've already slept with them why should I care if you go back??

If he goes back he will be with them if he doesn't he'll be unemployed.

I have not told anyone I'm too embarrassed and ashamed. I spoke so highly of him going and now I feel like a clown putting on her red wig if I say anything. He wants me to visit him when he goes out on the 24th if he confirms the trip but i dont want to go. How is that going to make me feel better? Walking past the women you slept with to make yourself feel better or whatever I'm not sure.

nekonamida posted 10/17/2019 08:52 AM

VS, get an IC for yourself. He's done this with at least 3 different women that you know of making him a serial cheater. Even if he doesn't go on this trip, it is very likely that he will cheat again. Is this marriage acceptable to you if he cheats every couple of years or so? If not, you're going to have to get yourself to a place where you are ready to stand up for yourself and demand better. He's not going to put you first here and even asking you to make the decision if he can go or not is a coward's move on his part. If he truly cared about your pain right now, he would choose not to go and start applying to other jobs ASAP.

Verysad19 posted 10/17/2019 09:14 AM

Thank you. I have scheduled an IC appointment for myself next week.

The1stWife posted 10/17/2019 09:22 AM

He cannot out these decisions on you. That is completely unfair and YOU are not his mother.

He has to decide for himself. Please tell him that he knows right from wrong and he has to mKe the decision. Not you.

I understand about being unemployed if he doesn’t go and with two children that is a tough call to make. However - he should have thought if that before he cheated.

He needs to SHOW you if he is committed to you and your marriage by making the hard decisions. He needs to be looking for a new job. Or he’s hoping you will sweep this under the rug because it is his “job”. That you will let it go.

I don’t know what you did in the past regarding his cheating and affair - but you need to change your role in this marriage. He’s doing it because he will get away with it.

Don’t make any decisions on D or reconciliation right now. See if his actions are showing you his intent. Is he helping you heal? Making amends? Going to counseling for himself to figure out his issues and why he chooses to cheat?

Verysad19 posted 10/17/2019 09:34 AM

In the past I think I swept it under the rug. I would be upset and after a few weeks of hugs and kisses it would go away which I realized is not what you do.

This time I feel the same way but I dont want that to happen again. I'm putting myself in IC to find out what is wrong with me then I will deal with his feelings if there is anything left to deal with. My mom is taking the kids to Disney this weekend and I opted not to go to spend time with him but after finding out I'm not staying and he said he "will do whatever it takes"

[This message edited by Verysad19 at 9:42 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Justsomeguy posted 10/17/2019 09:37 AM

Hold on. I missed something. He has cheated in the past, cheated and lied again, and YOU are ashamed that you went through his phone?

Verysad19 posted 10/17/2019 09:39 AM

His phone is unlocked and I know the passcode. Both women have reached out to him but he hasn't said anything. That I see. He says he is willing to go to counseling. I get a lot of I'm sorry and I didn't mean to hurt you but that's really just BS to me and I dont want that. You knew what you were doing.

MamaDragon posted 10/17/2019 10:15 AM

You don't say if you want to R with him or not, I am assuming you want to R.

You don't want to make the choice for him, you want him to make the choice for himself to go or not. If I were in your shoes, I would let him know - it is me or them - and if it is me this is what I expect from you:

No Contact letters/emails (including you on all this correspondence) to both women.

100% transparency to everything, social media, phone, texts, etc

IC and MC, he sets it up too

STD checks

I would also tell him what happens if he chooses the two women - We divorce. I would even go so far as to see a lawyer. Finding out your options gives you power.

I would also tell him he needs to find a new job. My husband quit his bc he worked with his AP

Let him know his choices will help you make the decision of staying or leaving. He can go on his trip if he wants but he won't be coming home to you. The decision to go is still his - but your reaction to his choices are all dependent upon what he chooses.

I mean, really? He wants you to go with him - to face his APs??? I would not go just because it would be to hurtful and embarrassing. Well, and I'd lose my temper and all of them would lose their jobs!

I'd also tell the married ladies spouse, he deserves to know - in addition, I'd tell their boss.

If I were you, I'd let him know his choices in the very near future will reflect the choices you make about your marriage. You won't make the choice for him, but you will react negatively if he chooses his job/mistresses over you

puffstuff posted 10/17/2019 10:43 AM

why do you not cheat on people? what inside of you would stop you doing that?

maybe the values and beliefs you have that would stop you doing that to another is...missing from your husband?

think it through. there's a lot of thinking to be done post-affairs. real introspection and assessment. as you said, a few weeks of hugs did not make a blind bit of difference.

just who is your husband, and do you want him back?

he is someone who feels it okay to do this to someone. or he might not think it's okay, but he not enough to not do it.

this is him.
the mask is off.

puffstuff posted 10/17/2019 10:49 AM

dont pick me dance.

if he wants to go off and destroy his life by getting his dick wet, then let him. give him the rope to hang himself.

these people should have all of the support, needs, benefits, etc drawn from them as quickly and as brutally as possible.

otherwise they will never learn.

look after yourself and your kids. let him do want he wants to do.

at least you'll be able to look in the mirroor at the end of each day.

annb posted 10/17/2019 10:54 AM

Any Chance you give him, and honestly you've given him one already and he blew it, he has to go NC with these women or most likely the affairs will continue.

My WH traveled a great deal for his job, when I found out he cheated the travel came to a screeching halt.

New job, having an affair, doesn't bode well for his future if HR finds out.

He's a serial cheater, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Out him to your family and friends. Don't hold this secret for him. Find the woman's husband and inform him his wife is having an affair with your husband.

Get some IC for yourself to figure out why you would be willing to put up with this abuse.

FEEL posted 10/17/2019 17:44 PM


I regret it now but I went through his phone and there I found text history with so far 2 women.
Why do you regret this?

He is now wanting me to decide if he should.
I would not touch this at all. He should be the one to make this decision and personally I think will tell a LOT about where his priorities are.

Buffer posted 10/17/2019 18:14 PM

Hi VS,
How R U and your children doing?

What is he thinking? He has to be made accountable for his actions.
Has he been checked for STDs? He is continuing to put you and every one else at risk. Does he even want to cease his wayward actions?

You need to contact the OWs and let their BS know what they are up there when away with hubby on business. They have a right to know.
Responsible actions well will he try the get another job?
It sounds like he is just rug sweeping as he can pull the wool over your eyes and keep getting away with it.
He does it cause he likes the attention, we’ll give him attention; from you D lawyer. Kick him to the curb you deserve better respect from him. Start 180 now!
He has to make u safe.

[This message edited by Buffer at 6:42 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Verysad19 posted 10/17/2019 19:25 PM

@buffer. We are doing fine. I left with my mother for the weekend to take the kids to Disney. He tried to convince me to stay but I said no way and left him hanging. I found the AP husband name but I dont have a phone number. Multiple numbers are listed under her so I'm willing to bet one of those numbers is his. He goes to get an STD check Wednesday, that's the earliest date available. I start my IC Wednesday as well.

Verysad19 posted 10/17/2019 19:28 PM

@FEEL I really dont know why I feel regret maybe because I know but then again I'm glad I did because according to him he would not have said anything and we would have lived a happy life. I asked if I never found out what would have happened if you went out again? He doesn't say. Guess the answer is pretty obvious if it wasn't direct.

I took screenshots of the text he sent and I find myself enraged in anger when I read them. Mainly saving them for the AP spouse.

Marz posted 10/17/2019 19:37 PM

I'm glad I did because according to him he would not have said anything and we would have lived a happy life

Until the next time. You know what you're up against, right.

This is the second time that you know of.

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