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I relapsed and could use support

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Mynamedontfi posted 10/20/2019 11:44 AM

Iím shaking and crying. I had my WGF blocked on everything. I went out with a friend and we got really drunk. I never drink. He offered to show me a post she made. It was a picture she posted with the OM sheís now dating. They went to a corn maze (something we were planning to do) and she posted that heís ďa-maze-ingĒ. I hate myself for looking at the post. He felt horrible for showing me. He blocked her now too. I canít get the image of them together out of my head. Iíll never ever look again. I was doing so well. Now Iím back to shaking and panicking. I so badly wanted to take her to a corn maze and pumpkin patch and on a hay ride. Sheís gone. I have to accept that she doesnít love me and I will never see her again and that sheís not coming back. I was such a good boyfriend to her. I canít believe she left me for someone else. How does she not care that he has poor enough moral character to pursue a girl in a relationship. Please help. I keep reading comments on my other posts and on other peoples situations. I have a IC session Tuesday but Iím shaking right now. Thank you.

Booyah posted 10/20/2019 13:04 PM

Now you know that EVERY single time you look at social media or try to reach out to her all you are doing is pain shopping.

Remind yourself of this next time you are thinking of doing it and trust me there WILL BE A NEXT TIME!!!

I also see in many of your posts that you're trying to make sense of all this. Why she's done what she's done. All of this about the OM etc or things you planned and wanted to do with her in the future and how could she throw it all away and for this guy who can't offer her what you could.

My friend all of this is just one BIG EXERCISE IN FUTILITY and you'll never be able to make sense of it.

This just goes down as one of those cruel things in life that hits us out of nowhere and brings us to our knees.

You (like everybody else) have a choice to make.

1) You can stay down on your knees and cry and mope and say "why me" and play the victim role.
OR
2) You can pick yourself up off of the floor, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS, and you can do what you have to do to KEEP PRESSING FORWARD and NOT let this define you.

You have to trust the process and keep the faith that going through a storm like this will make you stronger on the other side, your faith will be stronger, you'll be wiser, and you'll know that when other storms come your way (and trust me they will) you'll have first hand experience knowing you got what it takes to get through it.

Hang in there and take it one day at a time!!

crazyblindsided posted 10/20/2019 14:38 PM

I know you donít see this now but she really did do you a favor. She saved you more years of lies and possibly a marriage with kids. You dodged a bullet.

Donít painshop and donít look back and whatever you do donít blame yourself. She proved herself to be a shitty person. Let her be his problem now. You can find someone who isnít a shitty person now.

There is no doubt this is some of the deepest pain Iíve ever been through. Life changing but you will survive this and you will find happiness. Trust in the process. Sending you many hugs today!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:40 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 10/20/2019 15:10 PM

MNDF,

Your girlfriend freed to to find love thatís not painful.

Take this time to nurture yourself. Become the best version of YOU you can before seeking a romantic partner again. You deserve better, the BEST!

Mynamedontfi posted 10/21/2019 09:02 AM

NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS

Oh god I want the pain to go away. I would never hurt myself. I just can't do this anymore. She doesn't love me. My partner, she's gone. It hurts. She's with another man. She loves another man. I want to go back. I want to tell her I love her and I would have done anything to keep her and make her happy. It hurts so bad. I'm shaking. My dad told me to stop calling him. My own dad. I can't function. The meds don't help. IC doesn't help. I want her back. But she cheated on me. She lied to me.

There is no getting through this storm. I am too attached to her. Too dependent on her. I can't stop shaking and panicking. The doctor can't even do anything for me. There are so many memories. They mean so much to me. They mean NOTHING to her or she would be here by my side. She's gone. My whole world is gone.

pureheartkit posted 10/21/2019 09:29 AM

Your heart is so generous. It's beautiful that you are capable of such a great love. Yes, you are wounded in the worst way. Your love for her lives and your souls are connected and she ripped that bond. Now you are torn and bleeding. It hurts like nothing else to lose someone you love. When parents lose children it's devastating. I know you hurt like that. It will take time and healing.

You must see your worth. You need a,spirit capable of a deep love. We are all connected. All of us. Some people like you and I make deep emotional bonds as well. Our emotional lives are extremely important to us. We might define who we are by how we feel. We might decide what's important in life by how we feel about it.

People have free will. That's a beautiful part of life. Then people can disappoint, they can hurt. We need to find the ones who value us, will grow in spirit with us. We need friends, teachers, loves, inspirational figures. We also experience hard times and we learn. This is a learning time.

This is a learning time about who you should be creating a bond with.

You will pass through this. You will find that deep love with someone right for you. You can't find it until you are free from the person who is not valuing you. Be glad for your capacity for love. You have so much life left to fill with joy. Take this moment to be glad you're here and just be. Know that this wound will heal and you will go on to wisdom and happiness. Love and joy aren't lost, they are out there waiting for you when you are ready. There are so many years of hayrides ahead for you. Wish I could tell you of all the amazing experiences you're going to have. Trust and have hope.

sisoon posted 10/21/2019 10:19 AM

Do not fear the shaking or feelings. They're just ways pain leaves your body.

You can use your IC session to let yourself shake. Just let the shaking flow through your body. It may take half an hour or an hour, off and on. Just tell your IC that's what you need to do.

If your IC won't support you in this, get a new IC. You can also do this on your own, if you're in a safe place to do it, but I recommend doing this first in IC sessions, so you can learn how to get yourself out of the deep pain.

You've got feelings. You have only 2 choices: 1) express them; 2) suppress them. If you suppress, they'll come out later, after festering, in some nasty way. There are lots of ways to express feelings, but shaking and crying are very direct ways of doing so.

But - but - but -

Since your father won't talk with you, your reaction to your GF's leaving may be unusually strong. If that's the case, I wonder if her leaving triggered some other dysfunction in you.

IOW, maybe you're suffering the pain of losing some one you love, but maybe you're suffering the pain of losing someone you love AND, fro example, you've gotten yourself into a Drama Triangle and can't get out.

If that's the case, you may need an external stimulus, like an IC or minister/priest/pastor. If you really hear how the person gets you out of spiral, you can use that method to get yourself out of the spiral. That is, if you recognize the 'magic' words and phrases and sentences that help you get grounded, you can use them on yourself.

Don't forget the suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Someone on the hotline will talk with you.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:25 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

Mynamedontfi posted 10/21/2019 14:36 PM

Since your father won't talk with you, your reaction to your GF's leaving may be unusually strong

He is frustrated with me that no matter how many times I call I am not getting any better. He just keeps telling me to go back to the doctor and demand stronger medication.

Don't forget the suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Someone on the hotline will talk with you.

I feel helpless frequently. When I panic I don't know how to get myself out of it. I try breathing exercises I try refocusing. Nothing works. I won't hurt myself but I just can't deal with the pain. The thought of her posting that another man is amazing absolutely destroys me. Everyone says it gets better but how can I believe that when I am in such unbearable pain? I don't want to use a resource like the hotline if I am not in danger.

MamaDragon posted 10/21/2019 14:46 PM

Sometimes activity will help center you. Next time you start feeling out of control and lost, take a very fast walk, focus on your feet/rhythm of walking. Some folks can't stop the racing thoughts with meditation and the activity helps with focus.

Other examples for activities are boxing, running, roller blading or biking.

You can also try video games, one that requires you to really think. Try Witcher - divinity 2, Any of the games that you have to use mental acuity along with action.

You can also look into hypnosis, it won't erase the pain but the hypnotist can help you to direct your thoughts to something else when it comes on.

What you are having sounds like panic attacks, my daughter & son both do this when they reach their breaking point. My daughter can by hypnotized in the normal way you have seen on TV. My son has to have a different method - you sound like you need the active hypnosis. I swear I'm not a quack -

Charity411 posted 10/21/2019 15:00 PM

I think you should go back and read your second original post about handling anger. Really read what you had to say about her.

She's ignorant about the reality of how relationships work.

She is such a narcissistic child.

She is a naive brat.

She is an ungrateful, immature spoiled brat.

She is selfish and hurtful.

She is a complete child.

She is delusional about what true love is and what it means to make a commitment.

She wanted the wedding, not the marriage.

She wanted the sparkly ring, not the commitment behind it.

Then ask yourself why you are so destroyed that she's gone. Why would you want to stay with someone like this. It might help you to get out of the tape loop playing in your head.

Sometimes we let the feelings of being rejected cloud our judgement. From everything you've posted about your relationship, you seemed to have had a very clear picture of how you imagined your life would be, and you expected that she would fit into that picture. But what you post about her when you are angry doesn't fit that picture at all. Maybe that's what you needed to see. I think if you can stay focused on that, the pain will fade. You'll figure out that she did you a favor by opening your eyes.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/21/2019 15:58 PM

Love and joy aren't lost, they are out there waiting for you when you are ready. There are so many years of hayrides ahead for you.

Thank you for the kind words. I just wanted to take my WGF on those hayrides. I know how much she loves Fall. And to see her enjoying these things with OM just destroys me. Hopefully one day I will find another partner to experience these things with. It just won't be the same.

Then ask yourself why you are so destroyed that she's gone. Why would you want to stay with someone like this. It might help you to get out of the tape loop playing in your head.

Thank you for pointing this out. I know the relationship was toxic. I just tried to keep convincing myself that she would change and start treating me better. I was too weak and afraid to leave her. I tried once but I ended up begging her to come back when she planned a date a few days later.

She IS spoiled, immature, naÔve, narcissistic, etc. I just kept ignoring those red flags because I loved her. I also didn't want to lose the comfort of the relationship. I am dealing with rejection, loneliness, betrayal and jealousy over the OM.

I do need to continue to focus on the negatives. About how poorly she treated me and disrespected me. About how she cheated on me and lied to me and even threatened to call security on me. It just doesn't really make an impact when I say it to myself. Hearing it from someone else does help though. But I can't rely on others for coping. I have to be able to heal from this on my own. I can use SI as a resource and you people have been amazing but I can't depend on SI to get me through this. Some people on SI seem so strong. I wish I too had that strength.

Booyah posted 10/21/2019 16:14 PM

What happened to the list you made of all the horrible things she's done to you (and said to you) that you were going to look at every time these feelings started to pop up to remind you who and what she really is?

Nobody said this is going to be easy but my friend you need to stop with all the negative inner dialogue you have going on within yourself.

You say you "won't hurt myself" but that is EXACTLY what you are doing. You keep fixating on negative thoughts which is building up negative emotions which is bringing you physical pain.

You can just as easily focus on positive thoughts as you can negative thoughts.

Ok I can't remember if I shared this story with you or not so I 'll share it again.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside of me" he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil--he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego".

He continued, "the other is good--he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too".

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed".

I'd ask you which one are you feeding but it's VERY apparent which one. Stop looking at the big picture as it will overwhelm you. Take it ONE DAY AT A TIME!!

The part of you that is strong needs to SCREAM at the weak voice to "SHUT THE FUCK UP.......SHE'S GONE.....WE DID NOT DESERVE THIS....BUT SHE IS GONE AND WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS.......WE DESERVE BETTER....AND IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE HERE WITH US THAN F HER IT IS HER LOSS.....SO THERE WILL BE NO MORE WHINING OR COMPALINING OR BITCHING OR HOPING THAT SHE WILL COME BACK AS THAT SHIP HAS SAILED AND WE'RE GOING IN ANOTHER DIRECTION AND GOING TO LIVE AND EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING THAT GOD HAS IN FRONT OF ME!!!!

It's great to have people to support you.
Family, friends, coworkers, people here at SI, HOWEVER, at the end of the day nobody can do the work for you. The things you decide to focus on, the things you decide to do, the inner dialogue you say to yourself. ONLY YOU CAN CONTROL THIS and that's the way it should be and you should be happy about this.

She doesn't love you well guess what you love you and that's all that matters.

We can keep offering you ways to cope but what wolf you want to feed is up to you.

How important is your faith?
Are you a believer in Christ?
Maybe you should go speak to your pastor and if you don't have one maybe you should be open to hearing what Christ has to say about all of this?
He will never abandon you and he's there just waiting for you to help you in this storm.

Go read the poem "footprints".

As for your dad more than likely is just scared that he sees you in so much pain and he doesn't know how to help you. He loves you and he just feels helpless.

All I or anyone on here can tell you is you have to TRUST the process and to keep the faith that things will get better. They will but it is not going to happen overnight.

Go help others that are hurting.
Get the focus off of you and your problems.
Go volunteer with kids who are sick (volunteer for example at Make a wish foundation).

Just do something positive instead of continually feeding the evil wolf.

Hang in there my friend!

crazyblindsided posted 10/22/2019 00:41 AM

If she has strong narcissistic traits you may be suffering from the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance. This takes 2-5 years to heal from without the trauma bond withdrawal. Iím very sorry you are in pain.

Try to keep reminding yourself of all the ways she was awful to you when your mind is reminiscing about the past.

Atg100 posted 10/22/2019 01:51 AM

Similar situation here .
The thought that my ex could be with another guy gave me true physical pain and insomnia.
It goes up and down.
Sometimes Iím in complete control , sometimes I just want to curl up on the floor and cry.
No contact is the key, I have made the error of ignoring my own advice many times.
Just want to say , you are not alone .

Happenedtome2 posted 10/22/2019 09:18 AM

Having been there with a long term gf/fiance I can relate.

5 years I thought was flushed down the toilet. I spent a year in the bottle, no sleep, workaholic, therapist was no help.... and then I woke up. I dated a little bit and realized it wasn't the end of the world. I rediscovered things that had gotten lost when I was with her. Bands I used to like, movies I used to watch, friends I had let slip away.
That was about 16+ years ago. I look back on that year that I was basically a wreck and while I clearly made some bad choices during that time, I'd take that over having been in the wrong relationship for even longer.
She saw me in a store about 2 years later and she literally RAN from me because I was with my now wife. Had she not ran, I would have been cordial if not friendly. Now I not only hold no ill will toward her, but from what I have been told over the past few years, she is married with at least one kid. I am genuinely happy for her. That relationship ending freed me to pursue a different life.
You may not see it right now, or see it here and there, but this is your chance to do something else. To BE someone else or to find yourself.

Westway posted 10/22/2019 09:39 AM

There is no getting through this storm. I am too attached to her. Too dependent on her. I can't stop shaking and panicking. The doctor can't even do anything for me. There are so many memories. They mean so much to me. They mean NOTHING to her or she would be here by my side. She's gone. My whole world is gone.

Not true. You got your heart broken and you're in pain. We all go through it. You may not believe it now but you will survive this and one day many years from now you will look back and see how truly fortunate you were that this cheating woman showed you who she really was. Unlike myself, a guy who was oblivious to his WW's cheating for over two decades.

Let yourself mourn for the relationship, but understand that maybe this woman was not really who you thought she was.

[This message edited by Westway at 9:40 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Abacus posted 10/22/2019 10:33 AM

Hopefully one day I will find another partner to experience these things with. It just won't be the same.

You're absolutely right, and it WON'T be the same - because the other person will have chosen YOU.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/22/2019 19:46 PM

What happened to the list you made of all the horrible things she's done to you (and said to you) that you were going to look at every time these feelings started to pop up to remind you who and what she really is?

I do keep the list on me and read it when I start have feelings. For some reason reading the list I wrote doesn't have as much as an impact as reading one of the comments on SI or having someone tell me in person or over the phone. I NEED to be able to pull myself out of these panic attacks and hyperventilation attacks. Once I can do that, I feel that I can cope with the sadness and anger. I really appreciate you continuing to provide advice Sir Booyah. I did enjoy the wolf story and will try my hardest to feed the good one.

If she has strong narcissistic traits you may be suffering from the trauma bond and cognitive dissonance. This takes 2-5 years to heal from without the trauma bond withdrawal. Iím very sorry you are in pain.
Try to keep reminding yourself of all the ways she was awful to you when your mind is reminiscing about the past.

God I hope this doesn't last 2-5 years. I'm almost at 3 months and feel like dying. I have been watching a lot of videos about narcissists. Everything my ex did sounds exactly like what the stages a narc puts their victims through. I'm no psychologist so I can't exactly diagnose my ex but it's hard to believe she could actually be such a person. Although I said she could never cheat on me and she proved me wrong there too...

5 years I thought was flushed down the toilet. I spent a year in the bottle, no sleep, workaholic, therapist was no help.... and then I woke up.

I know that it is different for everybody but how long did it take? I am really suffering over here...

You're absolutely right, and it WON'T be the same - because the other person will have chosen YOU.

I hope it will be as special as it was with my ex. I'm afraid it won't make me feel as happy or special being with someone else.

Booyah posted 10/23/2019 07:45 AM

It comes down to this.

You need to realize that your ex is not the issue now and moving forward. The issue is you are allowing your THOUGHTS to torment you.

So that's why the battle of the two wolves is important.

There's a battle going on in your thoughts, and you, and ONLY you controls what you think about.

The way I see it, at three months out, you are stuck in DENIAL that this has happened to you. That she did this to you. That she walked away from you.

I am not judging you either I'm just telling you that the sooner you come to the realization that she's gone and she is NOT coming back the sooner you can start the healing process.

You continue in the denial stage you are going to torment yourself with your thoughts and right now the battlefield is your mind.

You are also in denial of who she really is.
Yes you can talk about all her negative attributes and all the horrible things she's said and done to you but they're just words.....you don't truly believe she's this horrible and toxic person. If she came back to you saying she's sorry right now you would take her back in a second.

This is the issue as well.
You're not just in denial of the situation but also in denial of who and what she is.

What you had with this girl was NOT love.
Oh it felt like love and you want it so bad to be love but someone who loves you would never do this crap and drop you at the flip of a switch.

You've been told numerous times how grateful you should be that you found out now who she truly is before you wound up marrying her and possibly having kids with her and than have her pull this crap.

One day you'll see that this storm you found yourself in was truly a gift. I know this makes NO sense.....a gift???? A gift would never bring this much pain, right?

Trust me on the other side of this you'll see this.

Just have the courage to keep grinding it out and taking it day by day. You have to put a plan together to start getting a grip on your thoughts. Shut the negative thoughts EVERY single time they enter your mind and replace them with something positive. You start thinking about all these wonderful memories shut it down and remind yourself who she really is and what she's done.

Doing this again and again the reality of all this will hit home and you can start to move out of the denial stage and start to heal.

[This message edited by Booyah at 7:55 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Abacus posted 10/23/2019 09:50 AM

I'm afraid it won't make me feel as happy or special being with someone else.

"I'm afraid" - Here is your focus. Fear is a primary (base) emotion. It's what's really going on underneath all the (very real) feelings you're having with this situation with this person.

Fear. It's what you've identified when you strip out everything associated with HER and focus on YOU. This is the soul-searching thing you've done congratulations!

When the secondary emotions are so strong, they cloud you from seeing the primary. And it's the primary that needs to be addressed, or the layer on top won't go away.

She's gone. She's got a new life. It's okay to feel sad (another primary). But you are going to be stuck until you work on your fear.

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