Sisoon,
Thanks for the suggestions. I respect your comments (even if I don't always take the suggestions
) since you have more experience than I do, and seem to have a good head on your shoulders
After R starts, and even more, before R starts, now that I think of it, it's wise for the BS to discount words and believe only actions.
I've started actually saying "let me see it, not just hear it", after he says something he'll do. He said he'd see a counselor, and sure enough HE looked one up and made the appointment. He's going today. She's a SA specialist and relationship therapist also (as well as other things.)
Being totally open with electronic media, being where s/he say s/he will be, giving you advance notice of activities, locations, and companions.
He's been totally open with the electronic media for 1 1/2 years now. He also tells me where he's going (he has his own business, and goes to the next town to businesses & homes to install window film). The only other places he goes are to AA meetings and meals. (I also still use Find my iPhone for now, but will be slowing down and stopping soon. He's been in all the right places now for the last year & a half). He also calls texts me throughout the day & sends photos of the jobs he's completed. So, I know where he's been. He doesn't have any companions really. Due to my illness, we've lost touch with most people we used to know.
Starting IC with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner - and signing a release that allows the IC to talk with you
Like I mentioned, he starts IC today, but I never thought of getting her to sign a release. I'll do that.
Accepting confrontations and changing on the basis of those confrontations.
Confrontations about what? (sorry, I'm not coming up with anything)
Getting less and less defensive.
We just worked through a BIG problem with that one. He wasn't defensive about the A, but another subject that had to do with his inheritance, and my bringing up how the papers were signed so he could "protect" himself from the properties (rentals) from being 'taken' from him.....of course, that meant by ME in case of a D.... This was signed in 4/18, and I knew he did, but thought it was because his brother did it that way since everyone thinks his wife might take his money....and, it was suggested to my H to do it too anyway to protect himself, even though I'd never take it, and to make his brother feel better at the procedure.......later, he said he didn't know what he was signing. Then, a few weeks ago, I found he DID know and did it intentionally in case we got a divorce.....and, here I didn't even know our M was in jeopardy due to HIM having an affair! I was devastated that he would do that to me...and, all he could think about was his ASSets. Money means more to him than I do. So, he thought I was upset about this because of my losing out on the money from the houses........I DIDN"T EVEN THINK ABOUT MONEY! That just isn't me. It was the intention to have to 'protect' something from mean ol' me. It hurt so badly, and I couldn't get through to him. (sorry TMI and too long, but the argument over this has lasted several weeks). He finally had the appointment with the lawyer & tried to have the verbiage changed, but found that in our stated inheritances are worded that way period....the person who told us otherwise was wrong, and the WHOLE argument and pain could have been avoided! He never would have thought he was doing something wrong, because he really wasn't.....whew.
We discussed the fact that he became defensive EVERY time it came up, and that it just won't work if he continues. He seemed to understand....that is something we'll have to wait on.
Listening to your rant.
Boy, has he been doing a lot of that lately! And, I must say he's gotten pretty good at it. During the argument I mentioned, he did lose it a few times, but anything else, and he'll listen until I'm through.
Consistent behavior over time - it's easy, relatively, to pretend for 6 months; it's a lot less easy to pretend for 2 years....
I've thought about that. Even mentioned it (not in those words) yesterday. It's not something I'll be able to tell, like you said, for awhile yet.
Watching actions allows you to build trust - in your WS, and in yourself.
yup....time.
thank you for taking the time to care, too
.