"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

layla1234 posted 11/2/2019 08:47 AM

I'm just curious if there are any members that are divorced, but still with their wayward partners.

On top of all the normal devastation brought on by my husband's infidelity, my view of marriage is irreparably ruined. If we divorce and stay apart, I honestly never want to get married again. If we divorce and stay together, I don't think I want to marry him again. A promise is a promise. If it's broken once, it can be broken again. I would much rather separate our lives now as a precaution going forward.

RedHeadTemper posted 11/2/2019 09:32 AM

I wish I was. Then finances is secure, and any money I make is mine and any money she makes is hers. It would be nice living together too because then you both get the kids. I am probably in fantasy land though. And I'd only want to do it if it was my decision. If my WW was wanting it, I'd fear there wasn't facing consequences for her actions.

layla1234 posted 11/2/2019 09:45 AM

But WH definitely won't want it, but I feel it may be what I need to do to feel safe in my relationship. Marriage really was just a piece of paper like everyone had said all along. And a piece of paper doesn't protect you from infidelity.

josiep posted 11/2/2019 09:46 AM

I'm not so I can't really give you an answer. But I do have an idea you might think about (not recommending it, just tossing it out there in case you didn't think of it) - getting a postnup that gives you financial security and sole custody of the kids if he does it again. You could also spell out how much he has to contribute to the household bills every month and how much has to go an account in your name only (savings for kids education or whatever but that he can't access and waste it). That way you still have the convenience of marriage for legal things and for insurances, etc. But not the feeling of entrapment that marriage can be when the partner has behaved so badly.

landclark posted 11/2/2019 09:59 AM

We decided on a postnup for this reason. We’re still finalizing all the details, but I want to know that I can keep my house and such if we divorce. It does give me some piece of mind.

I too now only see marriage as a piece of paper. Nothing more.

secondtime posted 11/2/2019 10:24 AM

Eh.

I went into marriage with the notion that I just didn't marry for love only.

I married my husband because I thought we were a good fit. For example, I would only marry a saver so there were no fights about money. I also married someone with a close religious affiliation so there were no fights about religion.

I also married for the legal protections.

I wanted to be sure that I could make medical decisions for my partner. It also means until a will is made, if something happens to me, there's no question about who will raise my kids (or vice versa). Us being married means that I can make sure DH has access to health insurance (DH works part time).

And while I understand the marital contract won't prevent DH from cleaning out all our accounts, the marital contract might provide me with some recourse. Living together doesn't offer such protections.

Also, OP, I would do your work before you settle on a post nup. Actually one of the biggest mistakes women make in divorce is insisting that they keep the marital home. You'll have to search yourself for the links, but it's a real thing.

Zamboni posted 11/2/2019 10:44 AM

Get a post-nup Layla.

You have young children. It’s not going to stop your WH from having another affair, but it will protect you financially if things go side-ways.

If he is dead-set against it, then you’ll know where his head is. It doesn’t have to be completely lop-sided, but secure some of your finances / assets in case your M doesn’t survive or if he decides to have another affair.

Lemondrop10 posted 11/2/2019 15:16 PM

My divorce to my WH became final over 2 years ago. I filed for divorce thinking it would make him realize he needed to do the work and get better for us to stay married. I never imagined that I would go through with it. He was doing well at first but ended up having a mini sex spree over a 3 month period of time with 3 women that I know of. My lawyer urged me to go ahead with the divorce to protect myself financially regardless of whether I wanted to stay with him or not. I could have paused things or gotten a post-nup, but I wanted the added safety to be able to cut ties with him easily if things didn’t work out. And given all that happened, that marriage was completely broken. I thought maybe starting over would help things.

So for the last couple years we’ve lived together on and off. There have been periods where things were looking up and some that were awful too. He’s most likely cheated again twice although I have proof of nothing other than him talking to them. It’s been confusing for the kids. For me. Probably for him. He has still never consistently made any changes necessary to make me feel safe. I am a mess mentally. I thought being divorced would make me feel safer but it hasn’t worked that way. I still feel very married in my head. And I think a lot about how he is no longer married to me and that might make it easier for him to find APs. It was easier for either of us to walk out on the other person. It was harder to feel completely invested. It was extremely weird to be completely entangled in everything to separate. He would throw in my face that I left him, I divorced him, I gave up when we’d fight.

Last month, I asked him to leave. I haven’t let him come back but we are in contact. I pray I have the strength to move on. I’m doubtful that I do.

Maybe it can work for you. I look back now and realize that my brain has known all along that I need to leave him. I push myself to take steps toward it but can’t pull the trigger. I’m pretty screwed up and can’t seem to leave. Trauma bonded, codependent, stuck. In my case though, doing it only added more problems. I wish I had just moved as far away as legally possible after the divorce was final.

Easter posted 11/2/2019 15:22 PM

Just make sure you understand the full legal ramifications of moving forward, figuring out a number of alternative scenarios. I thought I wanted to divorce my cheater and then remarrry him- kind of start the marriage over. My attorney explained to me that in CA this would mean that in the event of a second divorce my level of spousal support would not take into account the 36 years of Marriage no. 1. That meant this plan of mine was a big nope. Your choices are your own- just make sure that they are completely informed ones.

TX1995 posted 11/2/2019 15:54 PM

I believe there are a few who are legally separated but together (ibonnie I think is one?).

I have had the same thought of divorce and seeing if we wound up together. However after going through post-nuptial process, I definitely think a divorce, separating finances, etc. would only be worth the expense if we were going to physically separate as well. Which I won’t do bc my kids are older and I won’t separate physically unless I feel like it’s headed to divorce.

The post-nup allows me peace of mind. As a SAHM, if I decide to divorce for any reason, I will still get 100% of the house and a 70/30 split of our current assets (we actually just made some of our assets entirely in my name to make that easy). Then we will split 50/50 anything not owned by me solely. It is not only peace in that I can leave without fear of not being able to support my kids, but also a huge gesture from my WH that none of the money matters to him as much as showing me he wants me to feel safe with or without him.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 3:55 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/3/2019 09:17 AM

Marriage is nothing more than a legal contract. Hopefully, you already have the love and commitment required for a LTR before you get married.

I didn't want to get remarried when I was dating my fch. He insisted on it because his catholic upbringing stated that he could not just live with someone. Stupid, but whatever.

The problem I see with divorcing but continuing to love together as a couple and family, is that you lose all the legal benefits of M. Lower taxes (right?), shared medical insurance, default inheritance. There are probably other things. If you aren't concerned about any of that, then it probably doesn't matter.

I read about someone living like that. Her XH had to pay her CS that she then transferred back into his account.

DashboardMadonna posted 11/3/2019 10:50 AM

Girl, I feel you, but staying married to this character out of fear of the next character, is not the answer. Like you, I wont remarry, but you have to learn to be okay with that. Being married to an abusive person is not your punishment and your children know more than you realize.

This is similar to another person (divorce thread, I believe) asking about in-home seperation. I would highly suggest reading through the replies.

I did this (in-home prison) for the past two years (filed a week ago today) and it hell on earth.

The Sonny and Cher hippy commune ended at Chaz...all kidding aside, really think this over.

Are you prepared to witness your husband go out at any and all hours of the night, while sneaking around? Cheaters believe this gives them a free pass to be outwardly blatant with their affairs and it escalates. He has already proved to you, that contracts are just pieces of paper. You are essentially rewarding the cake-eater and this will mess with your children's heads, just as it will yours.

My son is 24 (22 on DD) and I tried fo make this work, to keep him home, while going to school...this has really fucked with his head and now I need to figure out how to do damage control, in attempt to mend our relationship.

People look at Karma the wrong way. You get in what you put out (I say Xs 3) and if divorce is right for you, then let him reap what he sows... He chose the path of rushin' roulette, he landed in the grave...you have to sit back and watch the dirt slide in in order to fully appreciate the mess he created for himself. This isnt your fault.

From my experience, my husband goes out every damn weekend...its triggering as all hell...he is most likely hooking a nut or landing new supply... since filing only a week ago, hes escalades his behavior...he literally sneaks around and believes I dont notice... yeah, I drink....trust me, girl...you dont want this shit. Show your kids the strong woman that you are and slam your foot down.

Even following the divorce, I will be here a while collecting a history of alimony payments, in order to apply for a mortgage loan...I haven't anyone to turn to.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 10:54 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

ibonnie posted 11/3/2019 22:30 PM

Not divorced, but legally separated. I went this route to stay on his (really flippin' excellent) insurance while I was a SAHM with our toddler.

We're back together, but I have no desire to fill out the paperwork to undo our separation agreement. If I ever decide to divorce, we basically ironed everything out and our separation agreement can be turned into a divorce decree with very little time/money/effort.

I'm fine with this scenario for now. He broke our vows. I have no desire to renew them and offcially be married to him again.

humantrampoline posted 11/5/2019 03:38 AM

Personally, I think I would have Lemdrop10's problem.

I am a mess mentally. I thought being divorced would make me feel safer but it hasn’t worked that way. I still feel very married in my head.

I just don't think I could be with my husband and not feel the marriage obligation.

I also don't understand how these arrangements don't legally put you at some risk for common law marriage type laws if you've never moved out. However, I have no legal background and others here have conaulted attorneys.