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Incarnate posted 11/6/2019 19:03 PM

So 8:00 this evening marks exactly 12 weeks since DDay2, the end of my marriage, and the start of In Home Separation.

IHS sucks, y'all. It really sucks.

The STBXW is absolutely unremorseful. Everything is 100% my fault, including both of her E+PAs, I am apparently the Devil Incarnate (which makes my name fitting), I am a covert narcissist and abusive father, a shitty lay with a little dick who is way too fat, and I could only ever hope to sleep with fat, old cat women who reek of urine and kitty litter.

She, on the other hand, is a powerful, unstoppable, liberated woman who has NEVER had an affair because she is honorable and trustworthy (she ended the relationship before sleeping with anyone else, she was just under no obligation to tell me so didn't bother and let me keep believing that we were committed for my own sake), she is flawless parent and the only reason the house is never clean is because I have never ever pulled my weight ever, she has always provided everything, and I have been nothing but an anchor she is glad to be getting rid of.

Oops, hold on, I rolled my eyes too hard and they fell out.

in other news more rooted in reality, I am planning on moving out. She can have the house; she'll NEVER be able to maintain it. It was built in the early 50s and requires some extensive upkeep and repairs, which I was doing myself (I have a background in remodeling and construction). She will never be able to keep up with the lawn care (nearly a full time job in and of itself), nor will she be able to keep up with the cleaning, refuse disposal, etc, etc.

I don't want the house. I have other plans for eventually owning a home (or building one to my specifications). All I want is half the equity. I'm going to spend the next 6 months working outside the home, which means I won't be a full time author anymore, but such is life. I'll have the kids for 3 days a week, she will have them for four. We'll split them on taxes once we're legally divorced, sharing the exemptions/deductions/whatever,

I will also claim 3/7 of the IHSS hours and 3/7 of the SSI income for my two disabled girls. With the income from working four 8 hour shifts as well as my writing income, I should be able to afford to support a three bedroom household and the kids for 3 days a week. I'll be in town, so they will stay at the same schools, have the same friends, etc. Not much will change for them, except that they'll have a clean, quiet, safe place to go to where their caretaker isn't spending 3500 minutes a month chatting with their two lovers instead of being a parent.

So that's my plan moving forward. I should start work hopefully next week. I'll be saving money and paying down debt and then, when taxes come in and we file jointly, we're going to pay down our joint credit cards. Unfortunately, all of the debt that has been racked up on MY credit is going to be a big, fat, fuck-you, and I get to deal with it myself, even though it was mostly spent on family expenses. Oh well.

I'm just thrilled to have a plan for moving the hell out of this intensely toxic environment, and I am giggling on the inside that she still thinks I'm going to spend my vacation days covering for her so that she can fly off across the country to play fuckslut for her two degenerates.

Tee hee. THAT ain't gonna happen.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 7:05 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

NoOptTo posted 11/6/2019 20:42 PM

You've been heard. Glad your starting to love forward. Keep your goal in sight. IHS stinks.

RedHeadTemper posted 11/6/2019 21:00 PM

You got this Incarnate! She isn't worth it. Her two lovers can play the pick me dance while you get a wonderful life without a cheater!

I bet you will have a lot more fun with your kids without that stress and abuse she inflicts on you. Got get it!

J707 posted 11/6/2019 21:06 PM

Wow, your stbx just described me. Did my EX give her that description. We sure are awful bastards!
Good job on having your plan in place. I think you will find that once you can get away from her and into you're own place, your levels of anxiety and drama bullshit will lessen, tremendously. With you providing a stable home for those kids is huge. For me it was just a natural me being Dad. With really no unnecessary drama here and necessary drama at their moms place, its night and day for my kids to come here. Dude keep those goals in plain sight, you got this!

crazyblindsided posted 11/6/2019 21:20 PM

I can’t wait to get out. Funny now my STBX ‘acts’ like he is the one who got hurt.

I have some CC debt also that was spent on family gifts. That’s a sore spot with the STBX. I laughed at that part. Oh well shit happens

Incarnate posted 11/7/2019 02:14 AM

Thank you, everyone, for your replies and your support.

I'm at an odd place. It feels really, really dark. I'm keeping up with my meds religiously, I'm working endlessly on my book, but it feels... I mean, it feels like I'm putting my affairs in order for... something. Like finishing this trilogy is a period at the end of a very important sentence in a very important paragraph. I don't see any more paper at the the end of this book. I don't see a blank book on the other side of my desk waiting to be filled out.

I see the light, I see the end of this fucked up tunnel of dysfunctional marriage, I see the forest outside of the darkness, but... I don't know. It feels like every step I take just builds a longer tunnel.

I'm writing prolifically right now. In the last six days, I've put down 22,000 words, and yaknow what, they're all pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. I have a feeling that this trilogy is going to be objectively better than my first. I am proud of my progress; I'm at 220% of my minimum target (22,000/10,000) for progress as of November 6th, and it's going so smoothly, flowing so easily, I'm not even worried about hitting 105,000 words this month. It's gonna happen without any trouble. Maybe more.

But I'm not satisfied. I'm looking forward to getting back to work again, but I don't want to do it at the same time. I'm looking forward to moving into my own place, but I don't want to have to do it. I'm looking forward to living in a clean home for the first time in my adult life, but I don't want it to be a necessity.

I am so angry. I am so bitter. The only real joy that punctures through this fucked up, smothering membrane of bullshit is the sadistic joy I get knowing that by me moving on, my ex will suffer. Is that who I am now? A vindictive, hateful fuck? It would be so, so easy to just slide down the fireman's pole into that darkness. I kind of want to. It really is appealing.

But at the same time, with the same token, it scares me. I've worked so hard to NOT be that person, and now I WANT to be that person and I am so angry that my ex pushed me this way and I WANT to punish her for the mutilation of my self and all of this goes further to push me into that darkness. I see her smugness, I see her venom, I hear her sarcasm and hypocrisy and I just want to slap it right off her face (metaphorically; I've never struck her and I never will).

I am absolutely wounded by the lack of justice. I am eviscerated by the lack of comeuppance that she will not get. I am gutted by the fact that, all things considered, she is so selfish, so self centered, so incapable of introspective, that even if her relationship with the fuckboy and walrus breaks down, she will STILL feel vindicated, like she did the right thing and is entirely blameless, or she will blame me for destroying her ability to be truly happy, and it will once more be entirely My Fault™.

I see possibility in my future. I see promise. And yet, I'm in a really, really dark place right now. I finished my writing early, and I wanted to play some video games, but I just sat here, in my room... doing nothing. I watched a few videos that I didn't pay any attention to. I wanted to watch a movie, and I just didn't.

I think that, once I finish and publish my most recent book, I'm going to take a break from writing for a minute.

I think I am going to finish my chainmaille shirt. I'll have seven books in three years under my belt, or a bit under five if you count when I started writing my first. I haven't worked with my hands consistently in a long, long time.

I have all of the materials. I'll be working a long part time (~30-32 hours a week), which will disrupt my writing. I'll probably still write here and there, but I think my mind, my heart, and my soul need some rest.

I'm too tired to do this anymore. I feel like I don't have a reason. I mean, of course, I have my girls, but... I don't have a reason for -me-. Life is misery. Life is pain. Life is service to and serving others. Life is lack of fulfillment, dissatisfaction, suffering and apathy. Boredom. Darkness. Loneliness. Just waiting, marking time until there's no more time left. Impermanent, impermeable, and ultimately pointless.

So I'm going to sit here until my eyes feel heavy, I'm going to lay down in bed and put the same stupid fucking show on my stupid fucking laptop and lay down in my stupid fucking bed until my stupid fucking alarm goes off in the morning. I'll be civil and polite to my ex while we get the kids up for school and after I drop my last daughter off at High School, I'll come home and act like she doesn't exist. I'll hide in my room like a fucking coward in my own house, trying to wring creativity out of the shriveled lump of tarry carbon that is my soul and wait.

I'll just wait.

EllieKMAS posted 11/7/2019 07:03 AM

Incarnate you have come such a long way in 12 weeks. Even though I know it doesn't feel like it, you really have. I am really glad that you are laying down plans to move and get yourself out of the toxic stew. I think things won't feel quite so bleak once you've got room to breathe.

I feel you on life right now tho. I was telling my friend that my life feels like fuckin groundhog day right now... Wake, commute with the idiots, work, commute back, eat, TV, sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. I have just been trying to look at it as time to reestablish some stability so I can start branching out again. Things will improve. They always do.

Hang in there my friend. You're doing good!

Wintergarden posted 11/7/2019 07:04 AM

I hate that we currently live a life we never asked for and have little control over. You are still young and have so much talent and courage, you are stronger than you realise. I know you hurt like hell now but I honestly hope the future will be brighter for you. We all have to hold onto that.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/7/2019 07:25 AM

Good for you!

She'll get hers. Is she an unicorn?

Incarnate posted 11/7/2019 08:54 AM

Is she an unicorn?

(It is definitely an emotionally attached relationship, not some on call fuckbuddy thing. She is the third wheel of their tricycle of debauchery.)

EllieKMAS posted 11/7/2019 09:26 AM

Is she an unicorn?

No. She's a fucking jackass.

LMAO

The1stWife posted 11/7/2019 09:54 AM

Time will ease some of those strong feelings you have right now.

It’s so nice your STBXW can let her anger out in such helpful and healthy ways. I don’t know how you stand it. But you will survive this.

At least your writing is a positive for now.

Incarnate posted 11/7/2019 22:56 PM

I had the audacity to ask my ex about the $265 of amazon charges and $135 worth of transfers to her business account, totaling $400 of money taken from the main account that SHOULD have gone to bills.

She lost her shit like a shit collector with amnesia. How DARE I question HER use of HER money. I asked her how she planned on making sure the power, water, and internet stayed on, and she snapped that SHE would pay it out of HER MLM income because SHE pulled her weight around here. Because it's not like I was the SOLE PROVIDER for fifteen years or anything, and it's not like I'll be back at work in a week.

I walked away and she started messaging me on FB messenger. I kept calm. I didn't let her twist my words. I didn't let her get away with retconning the argument. I called her out on her gaslighting and abusive language. I kept my head.

I need to get the FUCK out of this house.

bookworm19 posted 11/8/2019 04:38 AM

I can't even imagine, how are you able to communicate with that. And (more imoortant) how can you write in this environment? You must be some mutant (in a very positive way). I'm doing the Nanowrimo thing and try to write those 1667 words per day (not in english, thank god), I have total quiet at home, no financial worries and a somewhat supportive or at least indiferent and non disturbing SO. And no kids...
You are amazing!

Maudlin posted 11/8/2019 04:51 AM

Incarnate, I am so proud of you. You are making a plan and getting the hell out. It seems dark now, but leave her to her own devices and she WILL face comeuppance. Your girls deserve what you are on the road to giving them, they will make it all worth it. Be firm, be hard, be resolved.

IHS sucks. I am so much happier without LLCAH here. He was leaving for a trip to Australia and came over to see my oldest and it just made my skin crawl to have him here. If he fell off a cliff tomorrow I would breathe a sigh of relief, but it is what it is. We will move on!

steadychevy posted 11/8/2019 07:27 AM

Is she an unicorn?

No. She's a fucking jackass.

That was very funny even though true and painful.

(It is definitely an emotionally attached relationship, not some on call fuckbuddy thing. She is the third wheel of their tricycle of debauchery.)

My WW was an on call fuckbuddy. An unpaid call girl. He ordered her like ordering pizza. She lead the charge and laid out the ground rules and threatened him should he ever reveal what they were doing to anyone. Part of the rules were that she would come when he called. He lived alone 5 minutes from their office. Never any intention of leaving me for him. Didn't love him or say ILY. NSA. No money spent on each other.

Just had to get that off my chest after reading what you posted, Incarnate.

You are a gifted writer. One can feel and see what you write. It comes from deep within you. From what I understand, most successful authors reveal something of themselves in their words. You say what many feel in ways we aren't able to communicate.

I can't imagine IHS. I sort of had it but not like so many on SI. The constant evidence always in your face would be so debilitating. I know I didn't start to heal until after physical separation.

I hope your new situation removes a heavy burden from you and your daughters. It sure sounds like it will. My best wishes for you.

maybeHopeless posted 11/8/2019 10:34 AM

During the 10 months my wife was having an affair she treated me the exact same way. Told me what a terrible husband I was, to the point where I bought into it. For the last 6 months she moved into a spare bedroom because I disgust her.

She told me I was manipulative, arrogant, and abusive toward her emotionally. I was just about to the point of groveling honestly. I ended up moving out of the house to take a job in another city (discussed it with her and she thought it was a good idea).

The next week I got a facebook message from the wife of her AP. She consistently denied, then jusitified the affair, saying that I have no right to stand in the way of her happiness. The treatment I got over the last 10 months in the context of the affair made the 180 very easy. I filed for divorce within a week.

She is making it easy for you to complete the transition. I am sorry for the misery you're going through now and many of the folks here have been through it. Take care of yourself, and be stoic to the confrontation.

What I did was handle all of the communication through text. I was very careful moving forward not to be emotional in the text and just make matter of fact statements. It did a good job of minimizing her opportunity to lash out. I became a stone.

You're doing good, keep your head high.

crazyblindsided posted 11/8/2019 20:13 PM

I see the end of this fucked up tunnel of dysfunctional marriage, I see the forest outside of the darkness, but... I don't know. It feels like every step I take just builds a longer tunnel.

(((Incarnate)))this is how I feel off and on. I believe once the physical separation happens it will be so much better. Just having to see him, and we are REALLY NC right now, sets me back. But I also have no feelings left just disgust.

I hope all of us in IHS hell will see that light soon!

Incarnate posted 11/8/2019 20:43 PM

To Bookworm19;

I too am doing NaNo. I just passed 25,550, and I have another 2500 to go in five and a half hours, so I feel ya. I've been writing full time since I started working from home in August of 2017 (so that the ex could focus on her business and apparently finding some new partners). It's taken a LOT of practice, but I find I am very easily derailed. I feel your pain; keeping up creativity in this environment is next to impossible. This is my seventh book in three years... i think, once I'm done with it and get it published, I'm going to take a hiatus until I can get my feet back under me.

To Maudlin (love the name!):

I get that. I often wish that the STBXW would just fly off to Texas and... never return. Just vanish. Poof, gone. Then i could clear this house out of all the extra shit, keep it clean, continue to work from home, and raise my girls.

Their mother abandoning them, though, would devastate my girls. So I guess there's no winning.

To steadychevy;

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have worked very hard to be an emotive and evocative writer without sounding pompous. I think I fail more often than not on the pompous part, but I really do try my best. And I agree, as soon as I can get out of this toxic shithole, the happier my girls and I will be.

to crazyblindsided;

I hope we can both run free from our respective marital prisons very soon. IHS is no fucking way to live.

BraveSirRobin posted 11/15/2019 08:39 AM

I realize it's not a competition anyone wants to win, but your WW is the most narcissistic person I have ever seen on SI. I usually can find some common ground with foggy WS, however painful or embarrassing it is to admit it. But she is wayward on a level that just has me sitting and blinking in astonishment.

Karma is coming for that love triangle, BTW. You should start a pool for how long it will be before OW comes crying to you because WW and OM discarded her and she's casting herself in the role of OBS. She'll make their life hell, and they'll end up blaming each other for all their problems. If it weren't for the impact on your kids, it would be something to look forward to.