Thank you, everyone, for your replies and your support.
I'm at an odd place. It feels really, really dark. I'm keeping up with my meds religiously, I'm working endlessly on my book, but it feels... I mean, it feels like I'm putting my affairs in order for... something. Like finishing this trilogy is a period at the end of a very important sentence in a very important paragraph. I don't see any more paper at the the end of this book. I don't see a blank book on the other side of my desk waiting to be filled out.
I see the light, I see the end of this fucked up tunnel of dysfunctional marriage, I see the forest outside of the darkness, but... I don't know. It feels like every step I take just builds a longer tunnel.
I'm writing prolifically right now. In the last six days, I've put down 22,000 words, and yaknow what, they're all pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. I have a feeling that this trilogy is going to be objectively better than my first. I am proud of my progress; I'm at 220% of my minimum target (22,000/10,000) for progress as of November 6th, and it's going so smoothly, flowing so easily, I'm not even worried about hitting 105,000 words this month. It's gonna happen without any trouble. Maybe more.
But I'm not satisfied. I'm looking forward to getting back to work again, but I don't want to do it at the same time. I'm looking forward to moving into my own place, but I don't want to have to do it. I'm looking forward to living in a clean home for the first time in my adult life, but I don't want it to be a necessity.
I am so angry. I am so bitter. The only real joy that punctures through this fucked up, smothering membrane of bullshit is the sadistic joy I get knowing that by me moving on, my ex will suffer. Is that who I am now? A vindictive, hateful fuck? It would be so, so easy to just slide down the fireman's pole into that darkness. I kind of want to. It really is appealing.
But at the same time, with the same token, it scares me. I've worked so hard to NOT be that person, and now I WANT to be that person and I am so angry that my ex pushed me this way and I WANT to punish her for the mutilation of my self and all of this goes further to push me into that darkness. I see her smugness, I see her venom, I hear her sarcasm and hypocrisy and I just want to slap it right off her face (metaphorically; I've never struck her and I never will).
I am absolutely wounded by the lack of justice. I am eviscerated by the lack of comeuppance that she will not get. I am gutted by the fact that, all things considered, she is so selfish, so self centered, so incapable of introspective, that even if her relationship with the fuckboy and walrus breaks down, she will STILL feel vindicated, like she did the right thing and is entirely blameless, or she will blame me for destroying her ability to be truly happy, and it will once more be entirely My Fault™.
I see possibility in my future. I see promise. And yet, I'm in a really, really dark place right now. I finished my writing early, and I wanted to play some video games, but I just sat here, in my room... doing nothing. I watched a few videos that I didn't pay any attention to. I wanted to watch a movie, and I just didn't.
I think that, once I finish and publish my most recent book, I'm going to take a break from writing for a minute.
I think I am going to finish my chainmaille shirt. I'll have seven books in three years under my belt, or a bit under five if you count when I started writing my first. I haven't worked with my hands consistently in a long, long time.
I have all of the materials. I'll be working a long part time (~30-32 hours a week), which will disrupt my writing. I'll probably still write here and there, but I think my mind, my heart, and my soul need some rest.
I'm too tired to do this anymore. I feel like I don't have a reason. I mean, of course, I have my girls, but... I don't have a reason for -me-. Life is misery. Life is pain. Life is service to and serving others. Life is lack of fulfillment, dissatisfaction, suffering and apathy. Boredom. Darkness. Loneliness. Just waiting, marking time until there's no more time left. Impermanent, impermeable, and ultimately pointless.
So I'm going to sit here until my eyes feel heavy, I'm going to lay down in bed and put the same stupid fucking show on my stupid fucking laptop and lay down in my stupid fucking bed until my stupid fucking alarm goes off in the morning. I'll be civil and polite to my ex while we get the kids up for school and after I drop my last daughter off at High School, I'll come home and act like she doesn't exist. I'll hide in my room like a fucking coward in my own house, trying to wring creativity out of the shriveled lump of tarry carbon that is my soul and wait.
I'll just wait.