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landclark posted 11/9/2019 18:52 PM

I spent some time with some work friends this past week and confided in a few (not people I work with daily or at all really, just the same company, but people I have known for years). Told them high level everything that is going on. I have trouble smiling and faking it these days, so they gently pried and I didn't swallow it down like I normally would.

For a while after DDAY, I was ashamed to talk to anybody. Scared to talk to anybody. Scared to get the "Well, what did you do wrong?" crap. You know what I got instead? Sympathy. A lot of he's an idiot. You're awesome. Two women opened up about their own struggles in their relationships. One pointed out that men were checking me out (I don't need that, but she wanted me to see that I "still got it").

Granted, there may have been a bit of liquid courage involved, but it didn't feel bad to talk about it. I didn't feel ashamed. Even now, with no liquid courage, I don't feel ashamed for opening up.

A lot of people have struggles, and though not always the same as ours, it's good to know we're not alone. It felt good to share my story and get encouragement in return. I really do have some amazing people in my life.

Of course there's a chance they will then share my story, confide in others, but I am actually ok with that. I'm ok with it because I'm not ashamed. I didn't do this. It's not my fault. This is on him.

It was very freeing.

Anyway, no other point other than this past week was a good week for me.

Hope everybody is having a lovely Saturday.

GuiltAndShame posted 11/9/2019 19:09 PM

I’m glad you had a good week

[This message edited by GuiltAndShame at 7:25 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]

Datura posted 11/9/2019 19:41 PM

That is wonderful!! I am jealous. I have been swallowing that shame down for 3 years. Talking to a therapist or in anonymity here is just not the same. I long for that catharsis with face to face real humans who see me.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/9/2019 21:12 PM

Good for you! You have nothing to be ashamed of. Any and all shame is his!

LifeSong posted 11/9/2019 22:24 PM

That's awesome! I wish I had that. I've shared here before that the little I did try to open up I got "that's what men do" and "just walk away"shrug off.

No actual empathy or camaraderie in the collective human experience of struggles and suffering.

The1stWife posted 11/10/2019 02:26 AM

Congrats on having the courage to share and I love the fact that your coworkers understood and offered sympathy.

It helps that people “get it”.

landclark posted 11/10/2019 07:11 AM

Talking to a therapist or in anonymity here is just not the same.

It really isn’t at all. I was/am so glad I did it.

"that's what men do" and "just walk away"shrug off.

I’m so glad I didn’t get any of that. I can’t even imagine saying this stuff to somebody. So dumb.

sickofsurviving posted 11/10/2019 07:19 AM

I wish I could get there.

I just can't. I don't have anyone IRL. I have just recently tried posting here. Again.

How in the world do you say "well my husband committed incest while married to me, and I stayed."

I am trying so hard to internalize that it's his shame. Not mine. The fact that it was incest adds a whole new layer.

landclark posted 11/10/2019 07:57 AM

The fact that it was incest adds a whole new layer.

That certainly complicates matters. It truly is his shame though, and choosing to stay is so much more complicated than people who have never been through it realize. I will say only one person I know in IRL told me to dump him after finding out. Others simply asked me what I was going to do, and totally understood that since we have a child together it was more complicated than just leaving. I know I’m lucky, but people were truly very understanding.