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sisoon posted 11/12/2019 10:05 AM

I agree with nothisfriend - you do not need proof. His ongoing connection with this woman is more than enough.

Find a good D lawyer, and protect yourself and your son.

survrus posted 11/12/2019 10:07 AM

January,

You wrote, She got really uncomfortable around me. She couldn't look me in the eyes. I told partner this and he said she is uncomfortable around everyone. Not true. Saw her interacting comfortably with others.

Possibly a story she told your WH, perhaps she claims to have emotional issues and is only at ease with rescue dogs.

What does exposing do. Isnt that defamation of character??

No it's just telling the facts, like when you report a crime and it get published int he newspapers. Someone who cheats with a married person has already defamed their own character.

Also cheaters do not want to have to stand in court and commit perjury so any threats are empty.

January2222 posted 11/17/2019 15:29 PM

I think I have the proof needed. I'm probably going to leave him

He started "working late," again last week and kept putting off sex. Last night we were intimate. He could not look me in the eyes and looked really ashamed. I'm heartbroken my intuition is so strong. I know he started it again. Why can't he just tell me. I already know

Any thoughts or help appreciated.

nekonamida posted 11/17/2019 20:51 PM

See a lawyer and get information on what D would look like. Get and STD test and get an IC for yourself. Check out the 180 in the healing library and follow it.

Skoochnski posted 11/17/2019 22:14 PM

January 2222 I donít have anything to add. No grand words of wisdom and, unfortunately, no answers. 😪
Just know that I am sending you hugs and strength. ❤️

MakingMyFuture posted 11/18/2019 07:10 AM

You are not alone. This shit will make you crazy if you let it. Outside of losing 30 pounds from lack of eating and throwing up, my hair was literally falling out and my arthritis accelerated beyond anything doctors had seen before and I required a hip replacement. My body knew even when my mind didnít and even when my mind knew my heart was the last to catch up.

If you do decide to file, I would HIGHLY recommend getting accurate bank statements, retirement account balances, list of assets etc. you would be shocked at the stuff this goes ďmissingĒ once you file.

Itís difficult to realize in the chess game of life the person who you thought was on your side of the board is actually playing against you, not FOR you, or the marriage or your child. Act accordingly. Do not share next moves, plans, etc with the opponent.

You will get through this, there is a beautiful life waiting for you free of doubt and anxiety and confusion. It may not be the life you planned for but it will be 10x better than the life you have.

Sending you hugs and strength.

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 7:14 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

LLXC posted 11/18/2019 12:47 PM

Possibly a story she told your WH, perhaps she claims to have emotional issues and is only at ease with rescue dogs

Man, I interpreted that as the husband lying to January, attempting to gaslight her. Weird. Anyway. Sounds like he is totally cheating. Hide that you know, get a lawyer, and I agree about looking into your financials.


Someone who cheats with a married person has already defamed their own character

First, it is only defamation if it isn't true. So you do need to prove it is true. Second, a single person cannot cheat. A single other person is helping a coupled up person cheat.

The best thing to do right now is to protect yourself and your money. If you wanna expose, wait until you have all the proof and info you can get.

FEEL posted 11/18/2019 12:59 PM

Why can't he just tell me. I already know
The question you should be asking is if you already why are you waiting for him to tell you why aren't you removing yourself form the situation? Each and everyday you stay, YOU ARE ENABLING him and his actions, period.

You can write here and tell us what you have been and we can empathize, however, at the end of the day moving this forward in a healthy way is 100% up to YOU and YOU are the only one that can do something about your situation.

Do you want be here in a week, month, year, writing the same thing? The choice is yours.

[This message edited by FEEL at 5:15 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 11/18/2019 14:45 PM

January,


Do not be intimate with him. Not until you both get tested for STDs. This is your life and health at stake.


cancuncrushed posted 11/18/2019 23:39 PM

This is very hard. Keep your head. This is your best time to gather evidence.

Divorce can get ugly. Even when you think it wonít. Trust me. I just went thru it. It became very dangerous. I was blindsided.

Gather as much as you can. Better to never need it then to get trampled in court.

It saved me.

Youíve known for awhile. Be smarter then him. You can take your power back

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:40 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

January2222 posted 11/21/2019 16:09 PM

Hi again.

Well, I started therapy today. I'm struggling with wondering if this is about childhood issues with my father having affairs. I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I'm just starting to doubt my intuition and reality.

I'm working on setting boundaries and not allowing myself to get abused.

I can't stay with him if hes lying and wont get help and stop abusing me mentally. It looks like we will get a divorce. I doubt he'll change. He has blamed me for all of it. I feel scapegoated and incredibly sad today.

Thank you all of you for your help and support.

Me

The1stWife posted 11/21/2019 18:10 PM

you don't need "proof."

This marriage isnít working for you. I think you know itís a lost cause.

I think you need to inform your H this:

Iím sorry it has come to this but I have no choice at this time. I have decided that it is best if we divorce due to circumstances in our marriage that donít seem like they can be resolved. Itís unfortunate it has to come to this but I think we both know that you are no longer making me or this marriage a priority. I continue to try to help us reconcile but I firmly believe that you are continuing to disrespect me by not being completely honest and truthful with me.

I suggest itís not a conversation. Have your plan B and exit strategy in place. He needs to leave the home. You need your own $ in your own bank account. Get a lawyer.

Get out of this black hole. Save yourself. You donít need proof heís cheating. Your marriage is tanking, heís doing nothing and you are not happy. Three strikes - heís out!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:11 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

January2222 posted 11/21/2019 20:43 PM

I'm so upset with all this. He continues to take care of these women and ignores me. I'm on to what hes doing. It doesn't even matter if he had an affair. He and these women are very abusive to me. I'm contacting the divorce attorney tommorow.
He yelled at me abusively again and our son heard this.

He doesn't give a shit about me or our son. He has ignored both of us for three years.I'm sorry I'm ranting just so upset and needing to vent.

MakingMyFuture posted 11/26/2019 06:53 AM

Hang in there. His actions and treatment of you and your son is NOTa reflection of your worth. YOU and your son deserve the best and right now it is up to you to get the best for both of you. That means getting out of an abusive, neglectful situation. Protecting yourself financially with information and and an attorney.

I know it is hard. I know you are so sad. I know you deserve better. There is a better life waiting for you surrounded by people who truly care and truly love. Get yourself out of this situation so there is room in your life for people who can reciprocate your kind heart.

January2222 posted 12/23/2019 10:34 AM

Well I have made the decision to leave him. Way too many red flags.

I believe he had an affair for two years and she ended it. I was his second Choice and he wasn't happy about that. He said he chose me but I believe it's a lie. He doesn't love me.

I woke up crying and feel so much sadness.

Any help appreciated.

tl502 posted 12/24/2019 08:11 AM

Good for you January. Youíve made your decision and put yourself in control of your healing. You are the boss. He no longer has any control over you. He may say bad things about you, he will blame you, but you are doing what is right for you and your son.
Consider going down to divorce/separation. They are your experts now. They can give you the best advice SI has to offer.

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