Hey all,
I’m still swaying along this wild ride of healing myself. I wanted to ask you all if you’ve experienced healing through parts of yourself where you’ve disassociated?
This is open to WS’s too of course since I know they have experience with disassociation on some levels.
I’m working on connecting to a very broken part of myself. I’ll go ahead and be very vulnerable here and lay it all out.
Infidelity stabbed a lot of old wounds for me. I’ve been working through identifying and healing them each one by one - so I can recover and no longer be so fragile in them being stabbed again. This has of course been a process. Something I identified a while back at the very beginning of this process was that I abandoned myself. I felt it. I knew I had. But truly finding all of the pieces of myself that I had abandoned has been winding. I figured out that I had created a ‘safe space’ for myself as a child. I would picture myself surrounded by things I loved. I loved wearing dresses, still do, so I would picture myself in a beautiful flower dress on a green hill, standing on my own underneath white puffy clouds, and the sun rays. This was my safe space. This was where I stayed, where I would go to soothe. When I’d have a hard time falling asleep - sometimes I’d picture this place and then start adding other things I loved to it until I fell asleep.
My therapist had me identify this place of mine early in our sessions. She has also lately been working with me in opening up my connection to my very abusive past.
When I was a child, I was molested often by various other older children. Every experience I wanted to choose for myself was taken: my first kiss, sex, everything. When I was little, I’ll say about 4, an older boy who had his ears pierced already and lived in the apartment complex told me to play house with him. He then said “this” would be a part of the game and kissed me. Tongue and all. I was disgusted. He told me that was how it had to be.
Then I went with my mother to her friends home and an older boy there told me to play a game with him and that ended up being oral. I was disgusted and confused yet again. I was around 4 or 5 here also.
Around 5 or so I knew I was not straight. I knew. I told myself it was unfortunate because I was a girl and this wasn’t right. I told myself I’d probably outgrow it and denied this part of my identity.
Later on when girls and friends liked boys, I thought I had to do the same. So I gave it a shot and when boys pursued me - I would give it my best to like them and reciprocate affection.
As a teenager older boys would come after me. When I was 12, a 16 year old took my virginity. When I was 14 a 19 year old gang raped me and physically abused me. He himself had sex with me repeatedly. I thought it was my “duty” to endure this bc he was my “boyfriend”.
Ever since then I’ve been sad. I’d draw pictures of myself split in two. One part of me looks happy, the other part of me is drowning in fire and tears. I couldn’t figure out why. I would write poetry about it, I would listen to depressing music, I would pick arguments bc I was angry. I wanted to be left alone but I was dying inside. I didn’t understand my anger, and I didn’t understand the pain.
When I was 15 I was pursued by a 22 year old. He was insanely controlling, physically abusive - there was once an instant where I fought him for a loaded gun bc he said he’d kill me, and then himself bc if I wasn’t going to be with him then i wouldn’t be with anyone. He also had schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I dealt with a lot in that “relationship.” He ended up getting me pregnant on purpose when I was 17 years old, I was angry at this too. I didn’t want to have a baby. I felt robbed of my dreams to finally be an adult and pursue what I’ve always wanted. Two weeks before I had my son he was taken to prison in the middle of the night. Cops showed up with their guns and vests when he and I were getting ready for bed, and he got 25 years. I was a single parent overnight.
Since then it’s been a spiral.
I met my wife when I was 22. I told her about my past. I was so excited to finally connect with my sexual orientation - to finally be with someone that I chose that was true to myself.
I told her I felt like I had one thing left, one thing that I wouldn’t mess up. One thing that I hadn’t had stripped away from me. One thing I wanted to do right. Marriage.
So I made it clear that this was something I wanted to take my time in.
Well,
Eventually my broken self would get the best of me and I gave into what she had wanted for so long, marriage. I felt like I was letting myself down when I did it. I felt like it wasn’t right...but I convinced myself she deserved this. We had been together for over 5 years. Why was I holding back? So, I did it. I married her.
Not even a full year later I caught her cheating on me. I found out that the day that I married her - she was already knee deep into her last affair and they had already done it all. In my home, on my bed, it was a mutual friend, etc etc etc. they had been ‘together’ for 4 months already when my wife and I married. And this wasn’t her first affair. She had more before this. Physically the worst of it was knowing she had sex with us the same day. Afterward in hysterical bonding - I remember breaking down and going completely frantic on one occasion bc she reminded me of the 19 year old man I experienced when I was 14. (That man is in prison for life now by the way, for murdering his 4 month old baby)
So, marriage...the last thing I was holding on to “doing right” was stripped.
Anyway,
All of that to give a back story to my latest journal entry. And thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far. Like I mentioned earlier in this, im working on connecting to my physical self...my body. Healing my sexually abusive past and body image. Wife mentioned shortly after the affair that her AP had better assets than me bc she had a huge ass which did NOT help this process by a long shot. I’ve also worked on healing my anger and hurt at rejecting my sexual orientation - a part of me. A part of who I am. I was angry at what doing that caused me. At what conforming to societal norms did to my relationship with myself.
I wrote this today and this is where I need help if any of you have connected with parts of yourself where you’ve disassociated. This is hard to share, it’s a vulnerable place within me. I will discuss it with my counselor also but wanted to try to post it here for further insight in case anyone else has been here...
“disassociation
For the first time ever I saw her. Truly saw her. She was walking alone under storm clouds. Her clothes were ripped, she was in a dress. Her hair soaked. She drifted alone under clouds and lighting along a deserted field of grass.
She looked eerie. Fragile, scary. I was afraid to see her face. I couldn’t see her face...afraid of what it may reveal. Afraid of her looking dead. Bloodied, beaten, bruised.
Why am I afraid of her? She is not a villain. She is me. I am her. I’m afraid of her pain. I’m afraid to see her abuse. I’ve lived on my happy hill under my sun and white puffy clouds in my beautiful dress for decades. I hadn’t even truly noticed her. What will she do to my white puffy clouds and sunshine? What if she consumes me?
She is the bearer of all of my pain.
I abuse her in ignoring her presence, in ignoring her pain. In being there. In sharing in her pain, comforting her, loving her. She doesn’t deserve to be ignored. She’s been through enough!”
And yet...even in this writing, and even with all I know...I can’t connect with this part of myself fully.
Anyone done this?
[This message edited by maise at 1:45 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]