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Wake up call!! Not actually in R

timespent posted 11/14/2019 09:31 AM

I have to wake the fuck up. I must accept that I do not have or apparently ever had the marriage I believed I had. Not then. Not now.

I think I'm coming to terms with the notion that my original marriage was not complete. Now I'm trying to accept that this new version has never truly taken hold. I so wanted to believe in something but I am now realizing that I am misguided once again. Falling into the old trap of wanting and wishing rather than having and holding.

It truly is a shame, all this wasted potential seems like an insult to the universe. My ability of seeing potential is also a disability. Not all potential is willing or able to come to fruition.
This is a fact I must face.

Either I accept the limited potential in this relationship or I don't. These are my choices. I cannot change anyone else. This I must also accept. After 35 years it is a bitter pill to swallow, but I must take this "medicine" in order to save myself.

What does this look like moving forward? I have no idea. I'm definitely lost now. Yet it all feels so familiar. You gotta lol at yourself eventually.

nekonamida posted 11/14/2019 09:47 AM

TS, what is your WH doing to help R? Is he a good candidate or did this realization come along because he's not doing everything you need him to do?

EllieKMAS posted 11/14/2019 09:51 AM

Good for you TS! Yes, if the M is broken and the offending party refuses to help put it back together, you do need to move on. SUCKS. That realization and everything that goes with it just sucks. But it is also freeing.

For me? It broke my heart coming to that place. It made me so sad and made me feel so hopeless. And angry too, for the time I 'wasted'. But I am slowly coming to realize that that time wasn't wasted - it was the time I had to spend to get to where I needed to be mentally and emotionally to be able to even think about moving on. Knowing that I did everything I could and letting go of the illusion of control I was holding on to felt very liberating.

What does it look like you ask... what do you want it to look like?

Sending you hugs!

timespent posted 11/14/2019 11:35 AM

I thought he was a good candidate Nekon, but yes the realization was that he refuses or is unwilling to give me what I require. I believe he loves me but not more than he loves holding on to his fears as some kind of security blanket. Those fears revolve around vulnerability and intimacy to be clear. I feel like I've been patient but he's taken so long to make any real progress that I actually had to have the I love you but not in love with you talk. He is seeing an IC and feels he's personally making headway on his issues, foo and the like, yet her I sit more alone than ever. We've always been good friends and had similar interests not to mention our family but wtf I didn't sign up for this lol. Thanks for asking.

shellofme posted 11/14/2019 11:39 AM

timespent:
Can you tell us more about what you need, or do you not feel comfortable being specific, because he is on SI?

timespent posted 11/14/2019 11:41 AM

Hey Ellie, thanks for the hugs totally needed that!! You are right about the wasted time theory I like that! You kind of hit the nail on the head with my own fears and sadness but your own journey seems also inspiring and makes me less fearful! Not sure what I want in the future but I guess I don't have to decide today! Hugs back and strength to you!

timespent posted 11/14/2019 11:59 AM

Hi Shell, he is on SI but not worried at all about it. There's nothing on here he hasn't heard already ad nauseum. On that note, I'm not sure what I need, I guess just to be heard and help me wade thru this mental vomit I would like to sort out. Sometimes I feel very clear headed and other times so confused. I know most everyone here feels that. Idk maybe its just commiserating.

BTW his issues or my issue is with vulnerability and intimacy. He claims he wants to be vulnerable but never actually works up to it. I'm a kind and generally understanding person and I feel he is taking advantage of my nature. Closing in on almost two years of being too "broken" to be the man I need. At times I think we break thru then I realize that it's gone back to status quo. I don't think hes a bad person I'm just tired of being collateral damage.

He has enough EQ to know I'm good for him but not enough to make me the priority. Going against a lifetime of habit I guess. Thanks for asking. Wow apparently I had more to say on the matter than I thought lol

crazyblindsided posted 11/14/2019 12:35 PM

I must accept that I do not have or apparently ever had the marriage I believed I had. Not then. Not now.

It took me YEARS to understand this. You are well ahead of me. At some point being vulnerable with the type of person who isn't hurts the vulnerable one. I got tired of opening myself up to my STBX only to be betrayed over and over again. He STILL wants this M, wants me to be vulnerable and there is just no way. I'm well beyond broken or trusting and have no plans to be in any kind of relationship in the near future. It messed me up that bad.

(((timespent))) well wishes to you. This stuff is harder than I ever imagined.

EllieKMAS posted 11/14/2019 12:40 PM

TS have you read/watched any Brene Brown? She really has some very pertinent theories and discussions surrounding vulnerability.

It sounds to me like maybe he isn't so much taking advantage of your nature as much as you are just coming to the realization that he no longer serves who you are as a person. Does that make sense? I don't get the sense that he's malicious, just broken. And stuck in his ways maybe?

Either way, no I don't think you have to stick around if the compatibility is no longer there. Life is too short.

timespent posted 11/14/2019 13:33 PM

Dear crazyblindsided, wow you've been thru an emotional wringer, no wonder you are reluctant to be vulnerable or trust again!! I do appreciate your strength and support for me. And you're right things don't seem to get easier. Sending you hugs and best wishes!!

timespent posted 11/14/2019 13:38 PM

Ellie, I did read one of her books on bravery and saw her ted talk. She's awesome. Id hoped my wh would have gotten more out of it but that probably is not happening. Your "life is too short" point made me tear up. It really is too short which I feel very aware of lately.

shellofme posted 11/17/2019 12:11 PM

timespent:
Have you told him what you need to feel like you are in R together, and he's just not giving it to you?

You're right, you can't have a relationship with someone's potential, and trying to do so can be toxic. However, even when you are truly in R, that is what a BS is doing to a certain degree, although that can't even happen until the FWS jumps through the hoops of fire that the BS needs to believe their FWS is a good candidate for R. Has that happened in your relationship?

BetterTimesAhead posted 11/17/2019 12:22 PM

BTW his issues or my issue is with vulnerability and intimacy. He claims he wants to be vulnerable but never actually works up to it. I'm a kind and generally understanding person and I feel he is taking advantage of my nature. Closing in on almost two years of being too "broken" to be the man I need. At times I think we break thru then I realize that it's gone back to status quo. I don't think hes a bad person I'm just tired of being collateral damage.
He has enough EQ to know I'm good for him but not enough to make me the priority. Going against a lifetime of habit I guess. Thanks for asking. Wow apparently I had more to say on the matter than I thought lol

I feel like I could have written this word for word. It is frustrating. And difficult to come to terms with.

FearoftheUnknown posted 11/17/2019 13:41 PM

I hear you, TimeSpent!

When I read your post, the word "potential" slapped me in the face. It's something I've come to realize is my Achilles heel. That I have twice chosen men with "potential", all while overlooking red flags right and left.

I kept telling myself that my WH got caught up with his AP because of his "good heart" and "generous" nature. That's simply bulls***. I've come to realize that he's a secretive and selfish person who is unable or unwilling to honor boundaries.

I have a full life and am not inclined to consider another relationship, but should I ever, I want someone who has realized their potential. Not a project. Not anymore.

timespent posted 11/17/2019 20:53 PM

Shell; I have told him more times than I care to remember I'm pretty much tired of hearing myself. You know I think you have a point about r, at times it seems he jumps through those hoops and then later I wonder if it really did happen. My instincts are strong now but the trust in myself to see things objectively at times is shaky. I think I have to remind myself that sometimes more time is needed to sort through this mine field. Plus the guidance and advice of all of you kind people!

A side note is that we've had more conversations since my last post and I think there is a slightly better understanding at this point. His level of fear of vulnerability and failure is something I'm having trouble comprehending though and I think he's starting to understand how crucial it is to me moving forward with this relationship. Its a regular game of snakes and ladders!!

cancuncrushed posted 11/17/2019 20:54 PM

I hung on far too long. I wanted so much to have a marriage. To save this marriage.

Slowly I realized Xwh is not capable. He is Npd and alcoholic. There is zero hope

I had to see this. Accept this then work on me. And I am. I have realized my wanting is really longing. I realized who I loved was gone and didnít really exist. That was the wall.
I loved him. It was one sided. More acceptance. I had to realize I can try with all I have. To save 36 years. But it just canít be done. I canít resurrect the dead.

Not what I wanted. Not what I wished not want I longed for. Somethingís canít be fixed. Longing feels like love. Looks like love. This is the biggest train wreck. I had to leave it.
I realized I was sitting and wishing. Wanting so much more then I had. Hoping. When I looked. I had nothing now

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:00 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

timespent posted 11/17/2019 21:15 PM

Bettertimesahead, I'm sorry you're on this frustrating journey but glad I'm not alone.

Fearoftheunknown, it's amazing to me that I originally saw the potential as authentic! How did I not see the red flags, I guess I chose to ignore them since that's what I thought you did in a marriage. The trust was unconditional but on my part only! As to the project, if there is a next time I won't be picking the fixer upper. lol.

timespent posted 11/17/2019 21:22 PM

Cancuncrushed, I can feel your conflict and pain. I truly hear you and am starting to identify with your choice. It seems it had to be done to preserve yourself and I really think it will bring you peace in the longrun. None of these choices come easy and I admire your bravery. It is profoundly sad and inspiring at the same time. Thank you for sharing.

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