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APs ex called WS 4 yrs later

HurtDec posted 11/17/2019 07:08 AM

They've been divorced for almost 2 years, affair ended almost 4 years ago. APs ex emailed WS that he needed to talk to him. WS responded no, didn't think that was a good idea for various reasons. APs ex calls him a few days later, I was not home at the time. They talked for about 10 minutes. We talked about the conversation two separate times. First, he wanted to forgive me and can't be bitter anymore, should have been more mad at her than him... The second conversation.. Not the first time she cheated. What made me mad was WS said he felt relieved and made him happy that he forgave him, told him he knows he's not a bad person, that people make mistakes. I think a mistake is not something you for 6 years. My point....I feel like WS & AP got the best of it all, they don't think about what they did, were doing, just had the fun and then the home life was there as a backup. Now they moved on and I'm as well as APs ex are left the the aftermath, 4 years later still trying to move on. Trying to forgive, not be bitter. I would never have contacted the AP to try to get my pain/bitterness resolved with them, would have made me furious. Nothing she could say would make me think she's a good person who made a mistake. Maybe I still have a lot to deal with...

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/17/2019 07:14 AM

Everyone heals in their own way. Maybe the ex had been holding onto anger and resentment toward your H all these years and finally realized 2 things. One, that was unhealthy for him. Two, your H wasn't the person ultimately responsible for his CW's behavior. He needed a way to acknowledge that and let it go.

That doesn't have to be your way. Ypu find your own healing.

jb3199 posted 11/17/2019 07:40 AM

What made me mad was WS said he felt relieved and made him happy that he forgave him, told him he knows he's not a bad person, that people make mistakes.

What does your husband think about himself in this regard? Does he see also see himself as a good person, who just made a mistake? Or something more?

One of my favorite posters over in the Wayward forum is Zugzwang. He will be the first to tell you that he was a horrible person during his affair. I believe he has used the word 'monster' several times. They weren't mistakes; they were choices.....and cruel ones at that. He owns that.

He will also tell you that it doesn't have to define him forever, but it does define him for that time of his life. No excuses....simply that he has recognized that bad behavior, accepts responsibility for that behavior, and works to never be that person again. In a nutshell, he can't change his past, but in no way will he give himself any sort of 'pass' for that prior behavior.

Does your WH fit this description?

deena04 posted 11/17/2019 07:54 AM

Ultimately, APís ex can forgive if he wants to do so. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. This doesnít change what happened or your own relationship. Thatís up to you two. It could just be that this ex did not want to carry hate anymore and felt the need to relieve himself of that feeling.

hardtomove posted 11/17/2019 10:36 AM

Yea I know how you feel. My WH affair was ten years and he tried to say it was a mistake. I wouldn't let him 10 years is a relationship . This Dec will be 6 years since DD. It does get easier but it never goes away. It has been hugely difficult. Reconciliation is not for the weak.

HurtDec posted 11/17/2019 11:45 AM

deena04 & cocoplus5nuts, more power to him, if speaking to the AP makes him heal, I say great! We are not similar people for certain, I don't judge his thought process. I do have an issue with him though, he made a decision when he caught them the first time, that I would not be told and of course they agreed with him.
jb3199, if he would have said that, it's not a mistake but a choice I made, then maybe I'd feel differently. It continues to make me feel like he really truly deeply does not get the impact of his choices. Saying it was a mistake downplays the severity of the actions/choices me made for 6 years. I made a mistake..okay which time, after you told him you'd stop fing his wife or before... He thinks he is a good person now because he's "committed himself to our marriage" "he's changed", but when you fight with me for an hour+ over how I feel when triggers happen, you're not a good person, you lack empathy, hence the reason you could hold down an affair for 6 years. He's done some pretty crappy stuff to me over the past 10 years.
hardtomove, thank you. I feel your pain (hugs)

Deep breath needed now...

survrus posted 11/17/2019 12:25 PM

It's the least your WH owes him, when you involve yourself in someone's life there is a cost, you never get to be just another face in the crowd again.

Your WH is lucky to be alive

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/17/2019 15:22 PM

I see things more clearly from your POV now. Tot6not cool that the OBP witheld the knowledge of the A from you. And, it sounds like your CH is not truly remorseful.

Do you consider yourself in R or reconciled? I'd say, probably not if his reaction to you triggering is to argue with you.

Justgetitoverwith posted 11/17/2019 16:22 PM

if he would have said that, it's not a mistake but a choice I made, then maybe I'd feel differently. It continues to make me feel like he really truly deeply does not get the impact of his choices. Saying it was a mistake downplays the severity of the actions/choices me made for 6 years. I made a mistake..okay which time, after you told him you'd stop fing his wife or before... He thinks he is a good person now because he's "committed himself to our marriage" "he's changed", but when you fight with me for an hour+ over how I feel when triggers happen, you're not a good person, you lack empathy, hence the reason you could hold down an affair for 6 years. He's done some pretty crappy stuff to me over the past 10 years.

You are not alone in this. I have exactly the same thing. The word choices he uses in describing his past behaviour indicate (to me) that he does not completely own his behaviour - you know, the 'I let it go too far' type phrase...no, you made a number of decisions to pursue it further. All excuses, all indications that he (and yours, by the sound of it) really still hasnt come to terms with how crappy their behaviour was.

I have no idea how to deal with or change this. I call him out on it as often as possible, which, like you, leads to arguments. 'Oh, I didn't mean that.' Or 'It's just a phrase.' Well no, it isnt.

Reading your post makes me think this is the bigger issue, and the communication from the AP's ex just triggered it. So I'd try and look at ways of dealing with this.

I get you though.Im bitter too, that they had their fun and just moved on. While you and I (every BS) is mentally and emotionally scarred for life.

cancuncrushed posted 11/17/2019 21:22 PM

I understand everyone heals their own way. Similiar but different. I donít like that person pushed themself and their choice of processing , onto someone who also suffers.

If the answer is no. Itís no. The bsís suffer. They should always be able to choose how and when to handle triggers or conversations with Ap or obs. It is individual. Even tho several were affected. Itís still all about what the bs needs

I would have preferred talking to my spouse. Explaining how it made me feel and blocking Ap and their spouse

I wouldnít be interested 4 yrs later. They should have said this back when. This is pain shopping

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:24 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

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