"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

elKAPPYtan posted 11/18/2019 14:43 PM

Normally I would think yeah, I could just perhaps let my boss in on what is going on, I bet he has seen it before in employees that have their home life ripped apart and their inability to focus at work, I mean he has probably seen it all in 40 years as boss.

Only problem... My boss is my father who doesn't know. Wife and I are trying to make things work out. I don't want him to resent her forever for doing what she did to me. Holidays would be fucking awful, especially if we are able to successfully reconcile.

Even if I just leave it at "things aren't great at home" or "some shit went down in my life and I'm pretty devastated" his next question will be what... I have always been able to turn to him when shit got real bad, and there hasn't been a problem that I couldn't come to him on before. He told me from middle school that I could come to him with ANYTHING no matter what, and I always have. If I tell him there are issues at home but that I would rather not give him the specifics, I don't know that he will accept that without assuming, and given everything else I have been able to share with him, it wouldn't be a leap for him to figure out what it is.

I don't know what to do.

Loukas posted 11/18/2019 14:49 PM

I would talk to him. Life post infidelity is tough. Support makes it easier. Let him know your concern with confiding in him and remind him how open he has been in the past and how grateful you are for that.

Sure there's risk in letting him know, but it's not worth the loss of support, in my opinion.

DebraVation posted 11/18/2019 14:50 PM

Hmm, you know your parents best but for me, I told my parents (and his) on DDay. I couldn't keep it to myself. And the work performance thing is HARD (I quit my job in fact).

I totally understand what you're saying about the situation should you reconcile, but it would probably be a great help to you to have some support IRL. Further, you don't need to protect your WW, she made her decisions and she needs to face them like a grown up, I'm afraid.

Parents can sometimes surprise you. Mine avoided WS for weeks, and he was not man enough to contact them like he should have done. In the end my dad had a quick conversation with him, asked him some questions, let him know he'd better not f up again, and then finished by saying he wouldn't be bringing it up again unless we did. And that was that. Life carried on as normal more or less.

EllieKMAS posted 11/18/2019 15:11 PM

Hey Kappy - I did that too. My mom is my go-to person and I didn't tell her for 6 months after dday. You know what though? She knew something was up (as I am sure your dad does too), and it had started negatively impacting my relationship with her and my family. And that is not OK with me. Now my situation is a little different as there is no longer any hope of R, but I do think you should tell your dad. It's really important for a BS to have family support if you've got the type of family that would be in your corner. In my case, having my mom's support has been more helpful than I could have imagined. I have also forged a couple of really good relationships with some of my cousins that live in other states.

Once D was decided on, I also BLEW IT UP with all of my extended aunts/uncles/cousins/etc, all of whom would like to skin him alive. And I also did that for my own peace of mind. Long shot, but if he ever came to me wanting back in... yeah there is no way my self respect would let that happen now that all of my family knows. Again, different from your situation but just wanted to share.

elKAPPYtan posted 11/18/2019 15:19 PM

there is no way my self respect would let that happen now that all of my family knows

this is, I think, a part of the reason I haven't told him tbh. I think what he would do in my shoes, and that would be to divorce, no if ands or buts. Will he understand my choice to R? What sort of man in his eyes puts up with a cheating wife and takes her back? (that's my attempt at mindreading which is bullshit really)

IF my dad knows, and knows that I haven't left her, same as your family knowing, and knowing you took him back say, what of my own self respect?

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 3:19 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

Thumos posted 11/18/2019 15:21 PM

Welcome to the club. Sucks. I have a demanding job that requires travel. I wonder every day how I'm making it through, but I continue to do it.

I have confided in a few people at work, and I think it's a good idea for some key people to know what you're going through.

BetterTimesAhead posted 11/18/2019 15:26 PM

Your reasons are the same I haven't told my family. They know I am upset about my marriage but do not know details. Complete opposite from your father, I could see my mother telling me to work it out no matter what. But who knows, she may surprise me. If my situation doesn't improve after the holidays I plan on telling her and maybe my brothers. It is a tough call because if you R, no matter what they say, I can't see family not seeing WS in a different light. Do what you feel is right for you.

EllieKMAS posted 11/18/2019 15:49 PM

Kappy I told my mom when I was still firmly in the R camp with my xh. I made him go face her and apologize (which he should have offered to do on his own, but he was a giant manbaby... I digress). I also made him tell his parents.

Part of your WW 'dealing' with all this is facing her consequences like a big girl. Adults know that if they make a stupid/shitty/selfish decision, they will have natural consequences to it. Which is why adults weigh the pros/cons of decisions before we make them, and if there is a net negative, we usually pick the other thing.

You protecting her secret... To me, in my skin, I felt like I was being complicit in what had been done to me. It wasn't my job to shield him from the natural consequences of his behaviors. Me choosing to stay with him was my choice, and carried with it its own set of consequences for me. For me too, I felt like like I was somehow owning some of that shame by protecting him, and #fuckthatshit. Just speakin for my own self and experience there.

You see where I'm going with this? If you tell your dad and he doesn't like her anymore.... welp. That is a natural consequence for her shitty choice. If I meet a person that seems funny and likable then I find out they kick puppies for fun... yeah, I don't like them anymore.

I don't judge people who stay with their WS. I used to not gonna lie, but it is one of those experiences that you do not know one damn thing about until you've lived through it. Stay or go is an extremely personal choice and there is no right or wrong place to land on it. But no matter what you do - I go back to my original post and say that it is very important for a BS to have as much support as they can from their family. No matter how things shake out. And FWIW, my cousins that I mentioned and quite a few of my friends have come to me to tell me their stories of being a BS (which has been cool to have their support but has also been good for me to be able to help them too). Sadly, I think it is probably more common than we know.

annanew posted 11/18/2019 16:15 PM

It's not always easy to anticipate how someone is going to react. I thought my parents would disown my ex but instead my mom thought it was no big deal So don't assume your father will react harshly.

As for him not thinking you are strong... you can use this to help keep you on track and accountable. Share with him what you have laid out as requirements for your WS in order for you to consider reconciliation, so that he knows you are not giving her a free pass. Also, what everyone else has said here is correct, your wife will have to rebuild not only your marriage, but also her relationships with your family.

Fenderguy posted 11/18/2019 16:22 PM

I also work for my Dad. My job performance also suffered for awhile after Dday. Luckily my dad isn’t likely to fire me! I never told my parents, for the same reasons you haven’t. My Dad would just be awkward about it, and would never be able to look my W in the eye again. My Mom wouldn’t have said much to me, but the entire town would’ve known by the next day.

I really didn’t want my parents to know. But on the flip side, my wife didn’t really have to deal with many consequences because we kept it pretty hush. Perhaps some people should’ve known, I’m glad my parents don’t. Even saying something like “having personal problems” wouldn’t be good enough, and my Mom would’ve assumed that I had an A (which people would assume is the more likely scenario).

I don’t blame you for not telling your parents. But find a close friend that you can confide in. That might be helpful enough to get you back on track at work. Best of luck!

cptprkchp posted 11/18/2019 18:19 PM

I am a fWW and I told his parents myself. Ellie said everything I wanted to say - actions have consequences.

Best of everything to you!

RedHeadTemper posted 11/18/2019 18:32 PM

I can't focus either. Was the top performer. Now I am the worst employee. I do real estate in the side with my dad. Same thing. Went to him for everything. I didn't tell him. If he afraid he didn't want to do real estate with me any more because my WW would benifit. What a piece of crap situation we find ourselves in. I talked to a coworker instead.

Buster123 posted 11/18/2019 20:17 PM

Tell your parents, don't lie to them by omission. Tell your WW to apologize to them too, they were also betrayed, she knew this was a possibility when she decided to cheat, make her face it, the more consequences you present the least likely she is to cheat again in the future, it will also provide you with much needed support in the long run.

fournlau posted 11/18/2019 20:37 PM

I can sympathize. I would like to tell my mother because she went through this too. However, she is very religious and in her mind, she is the one who failed the marriage. I know if I told her she would ask what I had done to make his cheating possible and then tell me to put it in the Lords hands and move on Only you know how your father might react and while you want that comfort and sympathy, I can totally understand the fear of being viewed as weak even though none of this was your fault.

elKAPPYtan posted 11/19/2019 10:08 AM

My dad is a guy that has been divorced 3 times, married 4. His threshold for bullshit in a spouse is so much lower than being cheated on.

I sat down last night to tell him. I asked to speak with him after 5, and he waited until all the other employees left (usually he is out by 4). I told him that I appreciated the fact that he has always been there for me to talk with him about anything, and I wanted him to know that some shit was going on in my personal life, and I see it effecting my work. I told him that I wasn't fully ready to let him in on what as going on, probably after the holidays (going to his house for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, spending the night on Christmas). With all the shit I am going through, I didn't want weird holidays included in it.

He said that whenever I am ready to tell him, he will be there to listen. He said "I have been through more than you can imagine".

I did tell my WW last night that I was eventually going to tell him what was going on. She understood and was supportive of the idea. Whatever I needed to do.

Loukas posted 11/19/2019 10:17 AM

Good for you, Kap.

EllieKMAS posted 11/19/2019 10:24 AM

Kappy - I am SO glad you are going to tell your dad! You won't regret it. SI is great, but IRL support is greater!

She understood and was supportive of the idea. Whatever I needed to do.

Just a word of caution on this part tho - I am glad she understands but don't be surprised if her understanding gets fuzzy once the chips are down. To counter that, I would also make it a condition on her that she has to tell her parents as well. Just my 0.02.

If R happens, a big part of that is her owning her consequences and righting her wrongs - to you and ALL the people in both your families that she has also betrayed.

hopefullife posted 11/19/2019 19:04 PM

It's really tough to focus. I feel like I'm no longer the same employee they hired. But one thing did improve, now I prioritize my life goals. I'm exploring and signed up for activities I haven't done before so now I go home on time, I don't check messages on time off.

My bosses had these great plans for me at work, I got promoted and so on, but this all blew over and I had to tell them what's happening. This helped huge. Now they understand why I take a mental health day leave, why I don't do overtime, why I can't answer calls, and why they need to plan for replacement (told them I'm planning to move out of the country as soon as able). They even offered long vacation for me but told them no as I need regular work (just not excess work) to keep my mind elsewhere.

You'll be surprised at how supportive people can be. I was so worried about telling my parents since my mom was so fragile, thought she might get hospitalized with stress. They loved him so much like their own. But when I told them they were strong too. I guess it helped that I assured them I've always been their strongest most independent daughter and I will make it.