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take my phone way

CatsNTats posted 11/20/2019 13:29 PM

Oh boy...

Where do I begin...

My grief has taken me to some weird places...

yesterday I messaged both OWs...because all I ever got was trickle truths from WH or "they don't exist" type responses.

I only heard back from one - who I feel like I have the truth from. The other - the one I want the truth from I believe is too much of a coward to respond - but I did not send a message that was attacking. I was just asking for truth, so I could work on my own closure after everything he put me through. And now neither of them have to protect him - because he's gone. I'm sure she's protecting herself because I had reached out to her husband when I first found out about her. But I'm going to take her silence as what I always knew it to be even though he would never admit it. There was enough there. I just want someone to tell me the fucking truth.

I just found myself wanting some closure after suffering at the hands of his infidelities, abuse, addiction and now the cruelest manipulation being his death.

Someone should probably come take my phone away from me...

I ALSO - blocked the FIL this morning on FB. He left a response on one of my posts the other day about my cat not staying off my lap since I got back from the funeral. Some shit about, "I love you, miss you, and share deeply in your loss."

No FUCKER - you don't share in my loss. You wouldn't have propositioned me for sex over his car and then all you want is to take take take - and you victimize yet your dead son. Fuck him.

I also blocked someone else too! I think my therapist will be proud of this one as she thinks I may have been trying to fill the "co-dependent void" after my separation from WH.

I was trying to help an old HS friend that became disabled because of a brain bleed (this was prior to WH death). He now has left side weakness and is bound to a chair - because he refuses to do his exercises. He was really depressed and as I have been working with the developmentally disabled the past 6 months, I thought I could help get him out of his slump. Giving him goals and things to do. But after H's death, I told him I was not available - that I am grieving - and I'm also in an intense accelerated nursing program and I need to focus on myself. I've always been pretty selfless in trying to help others. But I quickly realized in my grief how hard it was to care for others when I am the one who needs to be cared for.

He wouldn't stop. Within 3 hours of my phone being off last night so I could study - when I turned it back on I had 25 FUCKING MESSAGES. Twenty-fucking-five.

I had - HAD IT. This after I haven't responded to him more than maybe once a week. But he always does that - and sends me messages saying "I love you." or weird stuff like next time he sees me he's going to try to kiss me.

Okay - now when I say old HS friend - he was my brother's best friend back then and his friends were all like older brothers to me. No interest there. Not even remotely interested. It became obsessive. And to be clear - I hadn't spoken to him in years before this September when we reconnected on FB and I found out about him becoming disabled. He doesn't even know me anymore to be able to say the things he's said to me - like the I love you's.

It just got to be too much. I like when people check in on me to make sure I'm doing okay, but that was something else and way too fucking much for me right now. I can't be his support system or anything else. I really just wanted to tell him to fuck off (and I feel bad for feeling that way), but it felt like he had no boundaries and wasn't respecting mine. Am I a dick?

EllieKMAS posted 11/20/2019 13:35 PM

YOU ARE NOT A DICK!!

Seriously good for you Cats. No you do not OWE anything to anyone right now except your own damn self. This is what healthy boundaries and self-care look like!

As far as the OWs... I get the urge. I really do. But even if they respond, they are lying POS's too. That is a rabbit hole best left unexplored IMHO. Sucks, but the best bit of closure is moving on down the road and letting them screw up their own lives. Cus believe me, POS people will do that far more effectively than you ever could.

PS - eww about the friend. Maybe I am weird, but I really don't like it when people in that gray area between acquaintance and friend overstep like that. Yes (insert submarine warning noise) red flag red flag red flag...

You are amazing. Just amazing. Even if you don't feel that way, you really are.

Ulcerboy posted 11/20/2019 13:36 PM

No you're not being "a dick".
You'r finally looking out for yourself. I was major co-dependent and it felt pretty damn good when I could finally look out for me alone.
Time to look out for yourself.

maise posted 11/20/2019 13:39 PM

Am I a dick?
No! You need you time. You deserve your own attention and self love, and everything especially right now. He's being a dick in not respecting your boundaries or giving a fuck about how you're doing. You are going through so much, and I am sooo sorry that this is happening. I send you so so so much love, strength, and energy. You are your priority right now. Anyone that doesn't understand that needs to fuck off. Good for you blocking him and anyone else trying to drain you of your energy or cross your boundaries. ((HUGS))

CatsNTats posted 11/20/2019 13:59 PM

MAISE - I just saw and posted on your thread about your son. We must've been replying to each other at about the same time.

I send you so so so much love, strength, and energy. You are your priority right now. Anyone that doesn't understand that needs to fuck off.

That is how I was starting to feel - wanting him to fuck off.

Thank you - I really appreciate this especially with everything you have gone through recently with your child. I hope he is doing better.

maise posted 11/20/2019 14:12 PM

I do think we were responding at the same time! How funny. I hadn't realized people had commented on there lately, I'm glad I saw it today and was able to respond

I truly thank you so much also for taking the time to check in on us, and am so sorry for what you are experiencing right now.

and YES to this:

That is how I was starting to feel - wanting him to fuck off.

You deserve you.

CatsNTats posted 11/20/2019 14:17 PM

Ellie - love all the love and support you always send my way. Thank you for being here for me - always.

I know - the OW thing probably wasn't the most rational thing. It was just eating at me. The 22 year old (this still kills me) always responds to me when I have questions though.

Hopefully EMDR this week in therapy will help. I don't know. I get in moods and after hearing about a bunch of things he lied to me about from others after his death, I guess I just found myself feeling like closure will be hard to find without the full truth. I know it's going to take me a while anyway. Like I said - my grief has taken me to some weird places.

I'm by myself a lot because I have been playing catch up on my studies and sometimes my mind gets going and I can't shut it off - and then I do things - like message OWs.

I'm pretty sure the one that won't speak to me has probably set her own marriage on fire. Or will if she hasn't already. Guess it really depends on what all her BS is willing to tolerate. He initially tried to make excused for her behavior until I showed him it was more than he thought and she lied to him about "not knowing" my H.

I should probably stay out of the rabbit hole. I've found myself going down quite a few lately...

As far as the old friend goes - yeah, I did not expect it to go there. And I won't let him use the brain bleed as an excuse as I went out to assist in his care - for pay - as a job one day and he is of sound mind and able to carry on conversations just fine. His talk to text needs some work as he needs to relearn how to do things and think - even so, you know when you are intentionally blowing someone up, you know when they aren't responding, you know the difference between right and wrong. He wants more. And - that's not even on my radar, especially not with him.

CatsNTats posted 11/20/2019 14:26 PM

Ulcerboy -

No you're not being "a dick".
You'r finally looking out for yourself. I was major co-dependent and it felt pretty damn good when I could finally look out for me alone.
Time to look out for yourself.

I have always struggled with this. My brother told me the day WH was found deceased that I can't save everyone.

Being a co-dependent with now deceased WH was a big thing in our relationship. I had started a book called the Human Magnet Syndrome - I believe. I did not get very far. But my therapist said it sounded like "us" - me the codependent, him the narcissist. I may still try to give it a read once my semester is over so I don't keep making the same damn mistakes.

I have a hard time looking out for me - but I need to. Especially right now. I give too much and I'm seeing some like to take that for granted. Except right now - I'm not up for it. So I'm shutting that shit down.

EllieKMAS posted 11/20/2019 14:30 PM

Man for me, grief is by far the weirdest emotion I have ever felt. Don't beat yourself up about any of it. Grief is not rational, so no surprise you would be irrational from time to time. Be kind to yourself Cats. It's to be expected for you to be periodically cray-cray with all this!

The OW thing - man I totally get it. Totally. Just... the shittiest part about this (except, you know, ALL of it), is that ultimately closure is just gonna be a state of acceptance and peace you get to inside yourself. Imho, I think talking to the OWs will just lead to more questions and more what-ifs and more things that you don't need to be expending mental energy on. That being said, getting there will take time. And it isn't a linear journey unfortunately. But you will get there eventually, you really will.

Karma is a cold calculating bitch and she ALWAYS has her say. Rest easy on that one.

CatsNTats posted 11/20/2019 14:58 PM

...is that ultimately closure is just gonna be a state of acceptance and peace you get to inside yourself

I think I knew this - but oddly, needed to hear it (read it) to comprehend what I am going through right now and how I will eventually get there. I don't know that I had interpreted finding closure in that way before. Thank you Ellie.

DevastatedDee posted 11/21/2019 09:08 AM

Ellie is right about closure. My XWH is still alive, but I will never get the full truth from him. I can prove and he confessed to an incredible level of infidelity. I don't need to know more to know what my situation was. Closure is nothing more than acceptance that you and I were both with cheating addicts.

Good for you for blocking people. Seriously, get selfish with yourself. Sometimes it's your turn to be taken care of, so take care of you. You do deserve that from yourself.

CatsNTats posted 11/21/2019 13:37 PM

Closure is nothing more than acceptance that you and I were both with cheating addicts.

Good for you for blocking people. Seriously, get selfish with yourself. Sometimes it's your turn to be taken care of, so take care of you. You do deserve that from yourself.

I'm hoping that eventually I will be able to find the closure I need - or accept it anyway. There are a lot of levels of closure I need - that go beyond the trauma of his infidelities. Like the trauma of his abuse, both emotional and sexual/physical. I haven't talked much about what he did to me earlier this year because I don't even really know how to. I was in shock - that he would. But this Summer made it all that much more scary knowing he could possibly do it again. And it went way past the sexual assault of him taking pics and videos of my privates while I was sleeping the year prior. I'm not really sure how to close the door on some of that stuff. I kind of compartmentalized it because I couldn't believe that the man who claimed to love me would hurt me like that.
I couldn't believe he would proceed to violate me after I said no.

So, it does run a bit deeper.

And then finding closure from his addiction.

I mean, I know all these things were who he had become, but they were all separate traumas for me in a way.

I am finally ready to be selfish. I have spent so much time giving so much of myself to others that right now, I feel like I have nothing left to give.

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