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How do you feel when you hear about the AP?

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Nanatwo posted 11/22/2019 23:46 PM

We are six years post Dday - the rollercoaster ride is over and we rarely talk about the A - R is going well. So, I know the OW should no longer have any space in my head - but occasionally she creeps in.

I recently learned that she is now on medication for depression, has gained 60 pounds and is still single (she is twice divorced, no kids). I know how debilitating depression can be - to say I was depressed after Dday is putting it mildly. On one hand, I feel like a bad person that I could find even the least bit of satisfaction in someone else's hardships - but this is the woman who knew my H was married - knew our son (they previously worked together)- yet encouraged him to leave me - told him repeatedly how happy she would make him - and when I confronted her after Dday told me "you just need to understand." She wanted my life and had no qualms about trying to destroy my marriage.

Hopefully, there will come a time when I feel nothing if I should hear about her. Guess I'm just not there yet.

elKAPPYtan posted 11/23/2019 03:16 AM

Karma sure caught up to her. I see no problem in appreciating it when cosmic justice has taken place.

personally, I don't feel much of anything when I think of her AP. I had some anger towards him because he knew she was married with kids and pursued her anyways. but that is 5% of the anger, the other 95% is aimed at my ww's actions.

and i told his now gf that before her he was my WW's AP, so he didn't walk away without consequence, and at least she knows what he's capable of.

Skoochnski posted 11/23/2019 03:36 AM

I hope they all die slow, painful deaths from systemic anal cancer.
If any one of them stood next to Hitler and I had a gun with two bullets I would shoot them twice.

This is still fresh and new to me and I hate each of them with every fiber of my being.
The burning hatred I have for them is what drives me to get up in the morning.
Revenge is a great motivator and I will have mine.

Each female knew that my husband was married and pursued him anyway. Yes, it was 100% his choice but it takes two to tango.

The two most recent little 20 something-year-oldís only wanted a fling with him but the woman who was 48 years old back in 2005 when he was 33 tried to convince him to leave me for her.
It mustíve stung pretty badly when he had her dried up, loose, peri-menopausal pu$$y one time and then chose to stay with me even though she was offering him everything he had ever dreamed of.
Donít that just suck?!
I would just love to stick that knife in her and twist it.

The other two are just $luts. I hope they get ran over by a semi. I just learned tonight the 24-year-old has already moved on to another man at my husbandís work. (heís her supervisor.)

Makes me want to take the money I had earmarked for his Christmas present and pay some girl to seduce her new man and have sex with him so she could get a taste of her own medicine.

So how do I react when I hear about AP?

I reckon about as well as I can...🤔

landclark posted 11/23/2019 07:47 AM

The first AP in my case was on medication for depression and pain management, gained a bunch of weight, and was generally a pretty messed up person. I did at first feel some empathy for her. Now, yeah, I feel ok knowing she is messed up and will likely never have a healthy relationship because of it. If it makes me a bad person, I can live with that.

sewardak posted 11/23/2019 07:57 AM

a couple weeks ago I read she divorced her BS. Karma honey.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/23/2019 08:15 AM

I feel the same way about her as I do any human being.

J707 posted 11/23/2019 08:18 AM

I have no idea what is happening in the AP's life. He moved two states away. I'm a firm believer in Karma and it will take its course in his life. Not sure how, when or what but the Karma bus is waiting in the shadows for him, ready to strike. I'll likely never know and that's fine.

destroyed1 posted 11/23/2019 12:10 PM

I feel pretty much like Skoochnski's first sentence.

Evertrying posted 11/23/2019 12:29 PM

We don't hear about her. After he ended the A and quit his job, there was nothing left to hear about. His old job was the only connection to her.

He never talked about her after he said that he "never wants to see her, talk to her or have anything to do with her". This all came out after he realized what his A truly was. Nothing.

I have no empathy, sympathy or forgiveness for her as she was married and had no regard of the fact she was fucking another woman's husband. My husband was no better at the time either. I only have extreme hatred for her and would love to hear that her life is complete SHIT and she is living in a gutter somewhere with a gigantic scarlet letter on her chest. That I would LOVE to hear.

GreenVelvet posted 11/23/2019 12:54 PM

I just plain don't care about her. Anyone who does that is a sick sad person. The OW in my relationship had been cheated on by her husband with a coworker, exactly what happened to me. I said to her, that's pretty fucked up and you should try to heal from that, not spread it around. She's an idiot. I try to redirect my thoughts and energy whenever I find myself thinking about her.

Jimmy1962 posted 11/23/2019 20:56 PM

Damn Skooch, you are my hero!

ShatteredSakura posted 11/23/2019 22:50 PM

If there were ever a movie reference more fitting:

The scene in the Untouchables where Al Capone is making his baseball team metaphor to a group of his thugs at a round dining table. (Can't post the link but it's easy to find on youtube). Kind of interesting Al Capone's speech through the lens of infidelity (about being a team and not failing the team by going off on your own).

But the look he has right before smashing the guy with the baseball bat and wailing on him...

...that is what runs through my mind when I'm reminded about the AP.

sunwillshine posted 11/24/2019 01:05 AM

I really try not to rent space in my head to them. It doesn't work. I try praying for them, It hasn't worked, yet. I try to redirect and that is getting easier. I don't hear about them, and I try my best to stay away from their social media. Once a year or so, I go looking. my brain just won't let it go.
A couple of years ago, I did hear that one of the ow screwed her x husband out of his home and her children (now grown) out of any inheritance they would have received from said home. It only solidified my opinion of what a crap person she is. No surprise there.
Yes, I hope they hurt and suffer. If that makes me a bad person? I guess it is what it is. At least, I didn't go around screwing married people.

Hopefully, someday, they will no longer ever cross my mind. I keep praying for that. I don't actively hate them like I did in the beginning. I am certainly not neutral, yet. Its only been four years and nine months.
Yeah, ow/om suck. Mostly my brain that refuses to make them nothing sucks. I envy people who go through this and are able to quickly feel nothing about the ow/om. That has not been my experience.

hopefullife posted 11/24/2019 04:16 AM

I mentally throw bricks whenever I hear about POSWH talk about her to common friend like she's a good person who wants to make it right. Not even close.

More often, I pity her. Only damaged people can do this and maybe she is. 3 kids from 3 different fathers, a woman longing so much for love she was willing to lower herself and it's sad sad sad. But my version of AP is a taunting b*tch, only then do I get angry.

I feel like she faced no consequence. She's been blessed with a kid, WH now lives with her. She's living the life. I can't wait for her karma.

TimeSpiral posted 11/24/2019 12:52 PM

I have no other connections in my life to OM. The A was 30 years ago, he is now married and lives on the other side of the country.

But then yesterday happened. I was on Twitter looking for an unrelated connection so I was browsing through my followers. I very seldom actually log in, I've not posted to Twitter in 6 years and haven't really used in 11 years. I came across one follower handle that was reminiscent of what OM used years ago. I clicked through, just needing to dispel my insecurities. This last year has made me overly suspicious and at times almost paranoid.
Same state that OM lives in - ok, lots of people live there.
Same city - ok, but it's a big city.
Similar interests...
and then I see his picture.

OM's been following me on Twitter for about 5 years. I'm fully aware that he might have looked me and my wife up at some point, whatever, but this was an overt mark that he left for me. He chose to follow me. It wasn't on Facebook or somewhere that I would need to accept a request, it's on Twitter where the connection is unilateral and silent, but there to be found.

Like I said, I don't use Twitter. OM started following me somewhere between 5 months and 1.5 years after my last post, so roughly 25 years after the A. WTF?

I really though I was being stupid about thinking the user name might be OM. I read down his active Twitter stream learning more and more about some guy that in fact turned out to be OM.

Not long after d-day #2, about a year ago, I browsed to make sure he was still far away and not a threat, but when I saw his picture in a Google search I said to myself that's it, I'm not going looking ever again. Today I feel almost tricked into absorbing so much about what OM's life is like, it makes him so much more real in the present. I don't want this, I didn't want this, and I'm pissed that I now I have to have it. I'm so pissed off that a single click that OM did 5 years ago has me so triggered. And I'm furious that I have such a substantial overview of who he is now.

OM's Twitter profile pic is and old one, back in the days where uploads had to be very small and compressed to the point of looking like a fuzzy mess when zoomed in. OM's profile pic has most of his face obscured with just his eyes visible, so before digging in I first looked hard into the image to see if it was him. My WW (during the A she was my GF) has in the last year come clean about the depth of the EA component of the A. For me the EA portion is symbolized by a particular story of them staring into each other's eyes. (BTW, do you know how many songs on the radio are about looking into each others eyes?) And then last night I unknowingly stared long and hard into this asshole's eyes.

Smjsome1 posted 11/24/2019 13:15 PM

I used to pain shop a lot. Now I donít - not as much, maybe once a month.
She (AP) married and I did look him up, as she was dating him while actively stalking WH. He literally went to prison for killing the boyfriend of a woman he was the AP for. The BF came home unexpectedly and in the tussle he shot him and he died. He was young then. After his 7 years for that was up he went back to prison for stealing, drugs, and alcohol issues. All that ended about 5 years ago.
I actually feel sorry for him, in a - life is rough and clearly he started out bad, made really bad choices and has finally started cleaning up - only to marry her, who was stalking a MM bile they were dating, and she has criminal background.

Her daughter has cut her off, none of her kids were at the wedding.

I feel sorry for myself for knowing all this. I canít wait till I no longer even have that thought to look. My deepest desire right now is to send him an account of what was going on, and I just need to let that go

hardtomove posted 11/24/2019 15:20 PM

Don't hear bout the AP it's like she tried to drop off the face of the earth. I have never met her face to face. I think because she felt she always had a chance with my WH. LTA 10 years. DD almost 6 years ago next month

Incarnate posted 11/24/2019 16:37 PM

Absolute fury. I have to bite my tongue to keep from ripping into a tirade about the string of degenerates my STBXW has chosen.

somanyyears posted 11/24/2019 19:52 PM my case, I heard from him three years 'after' he died.

His ghost visited me in a dream which led to learning the truth....22 years after D-day #1

He hears from me now; I visit his grave and piss on him.. keeping the promise I made to him in 1987.


Iwasyoungonce posted 11/24/2019 20:22 PM

I want her to suffer. And I hate that I ever think about her at all.

There was no boyfriend/husband I could tell.

99% sure that her daughter knew all along.

She's retired so no work related consequences.

I'm here suffering and she's living on the beach in Florida.

The temptation to show up at her daughters house over Christmas knowing that she'll be there is strong. Pretty sure it would scare the crap out of her....... if only seeing that on her face would make me feel better but I know it wouldn't.

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