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Five years.

Incarnate posted 11/29/2019 09:50 AM

Five. Goddamn. Fucking. Years.

Five years ago, after a long and very pleasant trip to go see a concert that we had been wanting to see for a long time (Trans-Siberian Orchestra) with my mother and my sister, my STBXW and I came home to our five kids. We had Black Friday at home, then the following Saturday, we went to my mother's for a belated Thanksgiving celebration. After the meal, while everyone was cleaning up and the kids were nearing the point of food comas, my brother asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. It was cold, he had been drinking, and I didn't want to go. He kept pushing, so i went with him. He told me that my STBXW had confided in his wife that she had slept with my best friend in 2008.

We returned to my mother's house and I was in shock. I started loading up the kids, and the ex immediately knew something was up. I refused to talk to her. We drove the 45 minutes home in silence. When we got home, I put the kids to bed and went to my office. She followed me, asked me what was wrong, and I locked the door with us inside.

I said to her, "I know you fucked [friend]."

"What are you talking about-"

"Don't FUCKING lie to me, or I swear on every god that I will throw you out of this house right now."

She denied it. While she sat on the couch, I opened up an instant messenger and sent my friend a message, and as I was typing it, she admitted that she had slept with him once. in front of her, her first OM admitted more. She revised her story and made up a long justification as to WHY she did it. I blocked him after confirmation and raged at her. She begged me not to leave her, said that she was feeling the spark of love for me again, on and on and on.

One month later, I drank myself into oblivion and had a complete mental and emotional breakdown at my grandfather's house. Seven days after that, on my 30th birthday, I prepared to kill myself. I had a bottle of Ambien and a bottle of whiskey and I was going to make myself a nighty-night cocktail and just not wake up. I figured a month's supply (30 pills) and a whole bottle would do it.

Just before I started, my kids knocked on my office door. They brought in a cake that they had baked themselves, along with a small succulent that they had purchased for me with change they had found in the couch and under the dryer. They sang me Happy Birthday, and we ate the cake while sitting on the floor. We watched some silly cat video compilations on YouTube and I put them to bed. My ex came in afterwards, saw the pills and whiskey, and asked me what I was doing. I told her, then I flushed the pills down the toilet. I have not taken prescription sleep medication or any strong painkillers since. I have never taken them without prescription, but I refuse to fill any prescriptions for painkillers that are made for me. I just deal with the pain.

For the last five years, we were in false R. She pretended to be 'trying' while she was searching for a new partner. Last December (the 17th, according to the phone bill) she had her first phone conversation with the OM. In February, she started talking with his wife, her OW. On June 19th, we had sex for the last time. In July, she flew out to Texas under the pretense of a business conference (a four day event over a weekend) and stayed for two and a half weeks.

She came home and was cold and distant. I tried to take a 5 day hiking trip, but panic attacks and anxiety from what my intuition was SCREAMING at me cut it short and I was gone for two days. When I came home, we had another day of cold distance, and then I went and picked up my friends from the trailhead, delivered them home, and came back. We slept in the same bed for the last time on August 13th.

At 8:00 on August 14th, I confronted her about what had changed while she was in Texas, and, after some pushing and prying, she said that she had realized that she was a lesbian and didn't want to be married to a man anymore. I asked who she had cheated with, and she denied it. I asked about a specific person, she paused and said, "It wasn't [person]."

"Then who was it?"

"I told you, I didn't..."

"Don't. Fucking. Lie. To me."

"... it was [OW]."

I left our bedroom, gathered my things, and drove to my mother's house. The next morning, I dug OM's number out of our records and called him to inform him our our wives's affair.

"I am [STBXW]'s husband. Are you aware that she and your wife had an affair?"

"... I... need to call you back."

"... you fucked my wife, didn't you?"

"I really just need to call you back."

"Don't be a coward. Just admit it. You fucked my wife."

"I... REALLY need to call you back later."

I hung up and drove home, waking my STBXW and confronting her with her lie of being a lesbian.

"You fucked [OM], didn't you?"

"This is how you wake me up?"

"You're goddamn right. You fucked him. Admit it."

"He was... there."

"Did he fuck you?"

"He was... involved."

"Stop being a fucking coward. Did he stick his penis into your body?"

"... that is none of your business."

After that, I started getting anonymous facebook messages from someone who had accessed her account. They had taken pictures of her conversations with OM, talking and sexting about their time together, about their coming time together (before she left to go see them), about his threats to fly to my state and beat me with a baseball bat, as well as pictures of a screen that had pictures of her engaging in multiple sex acts with OM and OW.

This went on for two weeks while I was constantly bombarded with anonymous internet texting numbers telling e I was abusive, I was lazy, I was fat and horrible, at all hours of the day and night while I was still reeling from my life being thrown, once more, into the blender.

I am now three months and fifteen days out from my final DDay and the end of my almost 17 year marriage to an unfaithful, lying, cheating abuser. I am in IC, my anti-anxiety medication has been doubled, and I am so incredibly lonely. Tomorrow, I go to my mother's with my five daughters to celebrate Thanksgiving while the STBXW does whatever she is going to do. I don't know and I don't care.

I don't feel like I have much to be thankful for. I'm tired. I've mostly ended my dream job of being a full time author by going back to work selling goddamn smartphones. I have to build up financial history to be able to try to rent a house large enough to support myself and five children, two of which are on the Autism spectrum. I will be living alone four days a week and have my girls the other three, the days I am not working. I have no idea how I am going to find another partner. I have no idea how I am going to afford this. I have no idea what the future holds.

This is fucking bullshit. I guess I just move forward now and see what happens.

66charger posted 11/29/2019 10:32 AM

The one thing we all should be thankful for is the opportunity of tomorrow. The opportunity to right a wrong. To fix our mess and grow stronger from it. If you were dead it would be your children who would be writing post about how their daddy died 5 years ago.

Tough times are tough times. You just have to go thru them. The key to shortening your period of duress is to have a little faith in yourself. Everything that you accomplished in the past can be done again.

Start by changing your morning routine. Get up early, watch the sunrise and exercise. Focus on improving yourself a little everyday. Getting healthy and fit is an accomplishment that is measurable on a daily basis.

And start erasing your STBX from your emotional existence. Living in pain is a choice. Never feel any emotion for the unworthy. The first step to removing yourself from infidelity starts in your head.
Your X is going for a hard fall. There is no need for you to be there to soften the blow.

5 years from now you will write another post. If you start your second life today, what do you think you will write?.

Have faith in the opportunity of tomorrow.

demolishedinside posted 11/29/2019 12:02 PM

Though none of us knows EXACTLY what the others are feeling, we do know of pain and betrayal, of the loss of the life we thought we had.

You are not giving up the dream of being a full time writer, just postponing it. In the meantime, you can write on the days you donít have your girls. Do not stop writing.

I think all of us wonder if we will be alone, but I choose to believe that if that is what you want, you will find it. Right now, and in the near future, Iím in no hurry to look. Iíd venture to say that we will be more than nervous to get into anything new and trust. I know my IC has said that the man who wants to date me will need to be very patient. We just all have so many scars.

I hate that you have been through five years of false R. Iím so sorry that your life has been turned upside down. When I get deep into the hole, I try to think of the peace Iíll be gaining by not wondering if heís doing it again or disrespecting me. Now you know who she is and need to allow yourself time to heal.

You are not alone. I know it feels that way, but there are many of us here going through it, too. Reach out when you need to.

EllieKMAS posted 11/29/2019 12:29 PM

Incarnate I don't know exactly how you're feeling, but I do know that blank hopeless feeling when the future you had expected to have is suddenly gone. That driftless stew that feels like quicksand and like you won't ever be able to get out of it.

Have faith my friend. You are a great guy, a wonderful dad, an honest and authentic man, and a creative sensitive soul. Your partner is out there and it will happen for you. But it won't happen until the universe is aligned and it just isn't yet. Keep moving, one foot at a time and you will move into a better place. I've heard it a lot and it is hard to internalize, but trust that the journey you are on is moving you to where you are meant to be. Because it really is, even if you don't 'know' it. And in my experience, if you keep living authentically everything works out in the end. It always has for me.

You have come a LONG way since your last dday and I am really proud of you.

Just take some breaths. This too shall pass.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/29/2019 13:04 PM


"....that is none of your business"

At least you'll be free of this woman who sounds like (dare I say it) evil incarnate.

Do not give up on your passion!

Marz posted 11/29/2019 14:23 PM

Your young and will be fine as long as you cut her out of your life.

rebplay posted 11/30/2019 10:28 AM

Incarnate- I am so truly sorry for what youíve been through. No one deserves that. Your ww treated you horribly. You must go on though. For you and your kids. This is going to be tough on them and they canít lose a father right now. Keep them in your focus and be kind to yourself. Youíre worth it.

Oldwounds posted 11/30/2019 12:37 PM

I'm thankful you finally get to start on a path that doesn't include the person harming you anymore.

That writing bug may go on the shelf for a bit as you get your legs back underneath you, but it will be back.

Hate how you got here, I'm on board with that -- but don't let that get in the way of the better days ahead, where you get to focus on your kids and what you need and want from this life.

Wintergarden posted 12/1/2019 04:59 AM

Incarnate you have experienced far more than you should ever have had to. You won't see it now but you will turn this around. You sound genuine in everything you say. That is a quality to be proud of, keep that quality because one day someone is going to recognise that in you and your life will change again. It's hard to see through the darkness ahead but the sun comes up every morning and eventually you will embrace that. Don't ever loose faith in yourself.

[This message edited by Wintergarden at 4:59 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]

WornDown posted 12/3/2019 08:12 AM

So sorry, you've had to go through this.

But now you know who she really is. That's the first step on the long journey out of infidelity and on to something (someone) better.

Hang in there.

Incarnate posted 12/3/2019 08:46 AM

Thank you, everyone, for your support. I've been alternating between being incredibly busy and being exhausted. New jobs, especially retail, during the holidays are energy suckers. I jot out quick replies here and there on SI before work or before I pass out at home, but generally speaking, I get up, go to work, come home, sit down, and fall asleep. At least I'm breaking my financial dependence on her...

I've got about 20 minutes before my day starts in earnest once more. It's Tuesday, which is the last day of my weekly run, yay. I get Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off, but I have IC tomorrow, so I'll still be shuffling about. Maybe I will be able to relax and spend some time with my girls on Thursday and Friday.

The future looks both promising and terrifying. However, in the words of Marcus Aurelius;

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present."

crazyblindsided posted 12/4/2019 13:52 PM

The future looks both promising and terrifying.

Ah yes you have described this perfectly (((Incarnate))).

I too have not been in R the last 5 years. Still doesn't make any of this easier. Like you I just keep putting one foot in front of the other day after day until I get there, wherever 'there' will be.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:52 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

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