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ChoosingHope posted 11/29/2019 21:35 PM

SO. My ex husband is "dating" my boyfriend's ex-wife. For those who might remember, my ex was named "GENIUS" here for a long time.

Background: In 2011, I discovered my ex's secret email account, more than 2,000 pages documenting an incredibly dangerous and deviant double life: BDSM, group sex, sex with all genders and ages, sex with strangers in empty apartments, and an affair partner who worked for the Department of Justice with national security clearance, etc. I was clueless.

Genius is a sociopath, a diagnosed NPD, and a diagnosed sex addict. When I started divorcing him, he made my life a living hell for three years. We ended up in a 3 day-divorce trial and I had us do a 6-month child custody evaluation that ultimately recommended no overnights for genius. The judge disagreed about that because we just couldn't prove anything had happened YET to our children in his care. But he gave me legal tiebreaker and primary physical custody. He gave Genius visitation one weekday night and every other weekend.

Separation 2011, divorce was end of 2014. During that time, Genius stole from me, threw me across a room, broke into my house and forwarded himself emails from my personal computer and email account, made up wild lies about me, locked me and my daughter out of the house in the winter with no coats, fought me and my attorneys on every front, accused me of using an illegal key logger to get to the 2000 pages, etc. etc.

I never called the police. I was a coward. But I started to heal, with a lot of help from family, my community of friends, this site, and therapists.

In 2017 a friend introduced me to a wonderful man and we have been dating quietly since. He's met my children, who are now young teens, but he still doesn't sleep over with kids there (nothing wrong with it, but we've chosen to be very conservative because of situation). And he has his own, older teens.

I just found out that Genius IS DATING MY BOYFRIEND'S EX. SECRETLY, FOR SEVERAL MONTHS.

Jerry Springer material, of course.

But worse. He is not interested in her. He has been dating her for months, but just matched on Tinder with a friend of mine a week ago. He was active on Match until a few days ago when her children came home from college. He has spent every day and night with her and them. She just inherited a a LOT of money and now has a new house with pool and hot tub - in the city. Genius, sex addict, was in the hot tub with my boyfriend's college daughter and her bikini-clad friends.

Genius is a sociopath. I don't know his end plan, I don't know if he is dating her only to hurt me, or to get his hands on her money - trust me, this is what he does.

I am out of words. I'm basically on the floor. Genius is destroying my life, my peace of mind, my sense of safety. What the hell do I do?

PS: my boyfriend and I have said nothing - except he told his ex that genius is a "bad guy" and please not to allow him to be alone with their kids. She came back with some garbage about him being jealous of her happiness, etc. etc. At that point, he didn't add more. I guess the next step would be to let her learn on her own. She actually said that I am "ridiculously adversarial towards my ex."

I was abused and lied to. It's painful to hear this. I thought I had moved past my ex and the abuse and cheating. Now my boyfriend's kids - and my own kids - will be dragged into this

Okay, I'm done. If anyone is still reading, thank you.

Cooley2here posted 11/29/2019 22:02 PM

Check with your state in case your children want to stop visits. In my state the age is 14. It depends on what they want.

Your ex sounds so disturbed. Your SO’s ex is going to regret being mixed up with him.

The children come first. If your ex wants her money make sure the kids aren’t in the way.

This is really disturbing on many levels because sociopaths don’t care.

Chili posted 11/30/2019 09:58 AM

What a piece of shit.

It sounds like his MO is to constantly get hits of "power" by manipulating everyone and everything around him. I'm quite certain this latest fiasco is some fun twisted game for him. But the thing is - you can't play any kind of game with him because he changes the rules every two seconds and runs around in circles with the ball. Just you jumping in to play would probably make him giddy with glee.

I think your boyfriend giving a civilized and genuine warning to his Ex was the right thing to do.

Now, unfortunately I think the only thing you can do is stay way over there and let them spiral down the toilet on their own. I'm sure he's dying for you to engage in this drama, so don't give him what he wants.

Genius is destroying my life, my peace of mind, my sense of safety.

Please don't give him this level of power. Your children are older and I suspect starting to figure out what type of person their Dad is all on their own. Use this time to reinforce what healthy families and relationships look like. When they come to you with the crazy - affirm that "we don't do things that way" or support them in a way that doesn't allow you to get sucked into the drama.

It sounds like you have a wonderful man in your life - and a relationship free from any histrionics. Hold tight to that reality.

I'm sorry all of your kids are having to deal with this, but knowing what you've said about your Ex - this situation probably won't last for very long.

Hang in there Choosing - he is shit. You are not.

Tallgirl posted 11/30/2019 10:22 AM

Wow. I am so sorry that this has happened. He sounds pure evil. You have done well to recover from him. Please don’t let him drag you down.

If I was a parent of the kid’s friends I would want to know that genius is a bad person. I would never allow my child to go where he is. Especially given his sexual preferences.

Has your boyfriend talked to his kids to say do not engage?

Have you consulted anyone on what you can do? I imagine you are quite limited.

I am so sorry.

inconnu posted 11/30/2019 10:48 AM

The way I see it, your boyfriend made the attempt to warn his ex-wife. Now it's on her. If I were your boyfriend, what I'd be trying to figure out is a way to warn his kids. The whole plant some seeds of doubt thing, so that his kids will be extra cautious around your ex. The hot tub thing, for instance - something like "hey, it's great that you and your friends got to enjoy your mom's hot tub on your break from college. Seems odd to me that a guy Genius' age would try to fit in with your group. Must have been (pause) awkward." The pause makes it seem like he's choosing the word carefully, and gives the daughter time to fill in the blank herself. But if that's too subtle, I'd follow it up with something like "I hope none of your girlfriends were too creeped out by the old guy in the hot tub with them."

So sorry you're having to deal with all this, all over again.

[This message edited by inconnu at 10:49 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

ibonnie posted 11/30/2019 11:18 AM

Not your monkeys, not your circus.

I wouldn't be subtle. SO's daughter is colleged aged, so a young adult? "Genius and ChoosingHope divorced because he's a diagnosed narcissist and sex addict. She has 2000 pages of evidence to back up these claims, but we'd rather not expose you to all the details. He can be very charming when he wants to be, but it's a facade. Do some research on NPD and SA. We just want you to be aware that his charming exterior is a mask for who you're really dealing with, and to keep your guard up."

fareast posted 11/30/2019 21:43 PM

Choosinghope:

Sorry you are going through this. Your exWH is seriously disturbed. But the good news is he is your exWH. I don’t doubt that his lates5 gambit is an attempt to get in your head. Don’t let him. You have a good man in your life now. Ignore your EXWH. I like ibonnie’s advice if you feel you must send something. But he is old news. Keep moving forward. Don’t give him the satisfaction of letting him affect you. He cannot destroy your peace of mind unless you let him. Good luck. Pulling for you.

ChoosingHope posted 12/2/2019 13:42 PM

Thank you, everyone. I can't believe you read this who saga.

My boyfriend and I have broken up for now. We are going to each focus on our children, who are very confused and angry.

More than that, Genius wrote me an email threatening to bring me back to court for exposing my kids to the boyfriend. (BF is lovely and has never slept over or anything like that in two years with my kids in house, and frankly is only around my kids when we have people over for dinner.) He has also threatened to trash bf's reputation professionally.

This is a big city, but it's also a small town.

BF of course has done nothing wrong, but that doesn't matter with Genius, and it's not worth risking it right now. He will make it up. He will represent himself in court, and Bf and I will have to get attorneys. I can't live through another fight with Genius - or another smear campaign. And bf needs to keep his well-deserved reputation. I can't ask him to risk that for me.

I get it. We are broken up after two years.

Genius wins, for now at least. I can't believe BF's ex has been fooled by this monster. It's beyond my comprehension.

ibonnie posted 12/2/2019 14:34 PM

More than that, Genius wrote me an email threatening to bring me back to court for exposing my kids to the boyfriend. He has also threatened to trash bf's reputation professionally.

I definitely think that your XBF's children should be forwarded this email.

Regardless of you two breaking up, he's still dating their mother/hanging out in hot tubs with them and their friends...

I can understand why you wouldn't want to day anything, but I think it's even more important for his children to be aware that their mother had invited a pyscho into their lives, and they need to keep their guards up.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 2:34 PM, December 2nd (Monday)]

Catwoman posted 12/2/2019 14:43 PM

More than that, Genius wrote me an email threatening to bring me back to court for exposing my kids to the boyfriend.

He's not going to be able to do this.

He's a bully, and many bullies fold like a cheap umbrella when their bullying is called out and steps are taken to put a stop to it.

Unless your ex-BF has a criminal record, or can be proven that his presence puts your children in danger, you can associate with whomever you like.

He has also threatened to trash bf's reputation professionally.

Up to ex-BF to deal with this, but again, I would put a stop to this. It's only going to get worse if he thinks he can continue to control you.

Cat

ChoosingHope posted 12/2/2019 16:02 PM

Wow, Catwoman, how are you?

I know. It makes us look weak and not so loyal to each other. But Genius is an attorney who represented himself for four years during our divorce. Scorched earth all the way. The smear campaign against me - can not do it again and I won't put anyone else through it.

We did forward Genius's threatening email to his ex-wife. I think she's mean and a little crazy (and desperate for attention/love), but she is NO WAY as crazy as Genius. I hold out some hope that she will be shocked by it. But I don't know her.

I think the scariest thing to me is that Genius carefully plotted this for ages. I'm told he approached her in a restaurant, introduced himself as my ex. She was appalled by him and thought he was disgusting. Now, six months later, he's practically moved in. I am certain he has carefully planned all of this and his next move is marriage.

Then my kids are really involved.

I thought of approaching her, armed with my divorce decree from the judge, plus the child custody evaluation. But I don't think she will listen to me right now, and I'm terrified of Genius' reaction if he finds out I blew up his plan.

I know, I sound paranoid. But I've been here before. We live in a city of more than a million people. We live in very different neighborhoods. But still, he ends up dating my boyfriend's ex wife.

Catwoman posted 12/3/2019 05:28 AM

CH, you've got to do what works for you, but in my experience, a narcissist bent on revenge doesn't quit until they get the desired reaction (which, typically, is that their former spouse is living in a cardboard box and panhandling).

Even if you don't intend to take action, you can arm yourself with knowledge. For example, isn't his professional license in jeopardy if he knowingly files a suit on false pretenses? If you work to arm yourself, you have a better chance of figuring out how best to counter his idiocy.

I don't think further communication with the GF is the answer. Sometimes you just have to let people make their mistakes and find out the hard way. Yes, I realize children are involved, but only the parents can protect their children. You can't protect BF's children.

My kids were upset when their dad broke up with Twatwaffle because of the her kids. I reminded them (they were older than Twatwaffle's), that it was Twatwaffle's responsibility to make good decisions where her children were concerned, and perhaps having a revolving door of a relationship wasn't really in their best interests (my ex moved in and out several times during their relationship before finally breaking it off).

It's been my experience that bullying doesn't stop escalating until they have either reached a dead end OR they have gotten what they want (see above re: a cardboard box). Knowing what you can and cannot do might be a good way for you to determine your next course of action. I hate to see anyone just roll over and take narcissistic abuse.

Cat

little turtle posted 12/4/2019 09:45 AM

Why did you and boyfriend break up? Because your ex wrote a threatening email?? Your ex is probably mad because your boyfriend warned his ex-wife about your ex.

How did you find out that Genius is dating your boyfriend's ex?

I think it's strange that he introduced himself as your ex when they first met. Makes you wonder what his motive/end game plan is for all of this.

You need to stand up to him. Don't let him bully you. I know it's easier said than done. But you've come so far and you're so much stronger now.

barcher144 posted 12/4/2019 10:27 AM

She actually said that I am "ridiculously adversarial towards my ex."

When I read this, I immediately thought "genius is clearly projecting here."

And...

More than that, Genius wrote me an email threatening to bring me back to court for exposing my kids to the boyfriend. (BF is lovely and has never slept over or anything like that in two years with my kids in house, and frankly is only around my kids when we have people over for dinner.) He has also threatened to trash bf's reputation professionally.

I was correct that he was projecting.

I can't believe BF's ex has been fooled by this monster.

Go easy on her. Genius fooled you too, once upon a time, right?

I am sorry that you had to break up with your boyfriend. My guess is Genius will dump her too soon.

ChoosingHope posted 12/4/2019 12:20 PM

Hi everyone. I'm thinking of changing my name from Choosing Hope to JerrySpringerLife.

Cat, when I read your words about me living in a box on the street, I came to life again. You are 100 percent correct. He has piled on and on since his "win."

I replied to his threatening email, innocently asking him to immediately identify any potential dangers to our kids. To protect them. Crickets. I then replied to his latest threat to go to court to reduce support, innocently asking him why he would threaten such a thing that would hurt his kids - and asking him if he was unemployed or in financial trouble. Crickets and the support was paid.

I will now ignore him.

BF and I are carefully considering what to do. I think it's going to work out. We just can't let Genius win.

Little Turtle: broke up because BF's kids were freaking out and mortified and scared and because Genius was so threatening that we just decided to be the adult and take a break. It was also to take a little drama out of the situation. I don't think now that it was the right decision. We will see. It's evolving.

BF found out when his son casually dropped the first name of the man his mother is dating. Then BF pulled up a FB pic and they made the match for certain. Then Genius basically moved into the mansion for Thanksgiving week, so we would have figured it out soon enough anyhow.

And yes, probably the scariest thing is that Genius plotted this from the beginning. He's either after me, or her money. Me is even scarier b/c it's so psychopathic. The money is vile too, but somehow not as scary and Machevellian.

Barcher, yes and yes. Lots of projection.

And you are correct. BF's ex is really a victim here - or will be, by the time she figures things out. She's dating a man who is not interested in her, she is paying for everything, and he's really just interested in gay anonymous violent sex. (Shudder)

Cat and all, thank you. Looks like we are going to try to move on like they are not dating - and fight if necessary. I just need to stay calm because I'm sure they will stir up all sorts of drama with the kids, etc. Ugh. I'm sure the gossip will be all over town too, soon. It's really too good to pass up - so tawdry.

little turtle posted 12/5/2019 08:39 AM

I get why you and boyfriend took a break... but it doesn't help the kids from freaking out since their mom is still with the threatening guy!! Did they talk to her about how they were feeling??

Proud of you for standing up to him.