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Is this normal for a two year affair?

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Casgo posted 11/30/2019 09:08 AM

Iíve been reading these forums for a couple of years now. And I finally got up the courage to asks some questions.

We have been married for almost 45 years. My WW had what she calls an emotional affair after we were married only one year. Iím not sure I ever believed her (since she admits that clothes came off). We stuck it out because I loved her and rebuilt trust.

Fast forward to 1989, she went on a conference and hooked up with this guy she had a crush on. According to her, they met in the bar of the hotel and within an hour was in his room. The story goes that he couldnít perform, but that didnít stop her from trying with making out and oral.

The next night he tried again and things went to completion. She wore her best lingerie to his room, lingerie that I caught her packing and told her to leave it home.

When they got back to our state they had one date that kicked off the emotions and had a two year affair. Until I caught them getting undressed in our bedroom.

Having a young child (not his), I decided to stay and raise the child so that he could have two loving (towards him). I told my wife I would stay until he was grown and then I was gone.

Things were OK for the next 20 years. We did stuff together, but in private I refused to kiss her or hug her. As for sex, she avaoded it like the plague. I spent twenty years in a relatively sexless marriage. She says she was ashamed to pursue sex with me. If I wanted it, I had to initiate.

Finally the end was near. I wrote here out a long list of questions I needed her to answer. Crickets!

We spent 4 years talking about it. I was alsways met with lies, half-truths, downright fictional stories, and the famous "I donít remember" or "I donít know".

So now my question to try to pin down the extent of the affair she claims:
- failed sex one night at conference
- Successful sex (enthusiastic and wearing the banned lingerie)
- Sex once in backseat when they got home
- Oral in backseat after the car sex
- Lunches in car where they only made out once
- She travels with him to a 5 day conference as his date (sex vacation)
- Then she claims nothing for a year until I caught them with their pants down

the question I have is - is this normal for a two year affair? Shouldnít there be more sex during that time? If it is normal, why would their sex be limited.

Please help. I want to trust but this is holding me back.

landclark posted 11/30/2019 09:13 AM

I would think it would depend on how much access they had to each other and how many options they had for it to be private. If they had a lot of access and available private time, I think sheís probably full of it and lying.

My WH had a virtual affair shortly after marriage. He claimed he didnít get off that much. The literal writing on the Facebook wall showed he got off almost every day. For some reason downplaying the number of times seems to be their first line of defense.

Casgo posted 11/30/2019 09:25 AM

Landclark, thanks for the response.

They worked together for about a year. Afterwards they would make plans to meet, but WW said those plans fell through.

They had a chance meeting and I found them in my bedroom two weeks later. Between that and limited sex after DD makes me think it might have continued.

longsadstory1952 posted 11/30/2019 09:51 AM

No it is not normal. In fact it is abnormal. But you knew that or else you wouldn't be here.

There is a large time gap in your narrative. Not sure if it's a typo. Seems like the child would have been grown to adulthood 10 years ago.

Anyway, the real question is what are you waiting for. If the M is sexless, and you clearly withhold affection, and she is still blameshifting and lying, and she is a 3 time loser, and you were waiting until the kid was grown, why not pull the pin? You may not have much time left, but you are entitled to a real life, not a perpetual sham.

nekonamida posted 11/30/2019 09:52 AM

Casgo, what changed for you to not follow through with your original plan? Can you confirm that the A ended when you caught them? Can you confirm that she has not been getting her needs met by him or someone else all this time? It's pretty hard to believe she's just accepted this sexless marriage with you without complaint or taking the easy way out of cheating more. And furthermore, what do you expect to gain by staying with her dragging her through R?

Casgo posted 11/30/2019 13:00 PM

The gap in the story is the wait for the child to grow and move out. He did and is a great kid and a good man.

I thought I would give WW another chance or come clean. I was lied to and trickle truthed and then found out about the sex vacation about two years ago. We are in an in house separation since that revelation.

Financially it makes sense to live in a single residence. What I really miss is the trust and intimacy I expect from a marriage.

The truth, as bad as it could be is what I need. You canít forgive what you donít know.

BluesPower posted 11/30/2019 13:27 PM

The odds are, almost everything she is telling you, is total minimization and a lie.

Plus if you look at the fact that she was cheating within a year of marriage, and that apparently you did not want to have sex with her again, and that went on for 20 years?

I mean think about it.

If they were in close proximity they were having sex, you understand that right?

You have wasted your entire life "for the kids" why waste another second, file for divorce and for god's sake move on.

She has probably been cheating your entire marriage and you stayed...


Booyah posted 11/30/2019 13:55 PM

I think you're asking the wrong question(s).

The question you should be asking yourself is why after the countless betrayals are you continuing to piss away your life in a sham of a marriage?

TWENTY years with NO sex??

This isn't about her and unanswered questions it's about you and your willingness to put up with this shit.

Buster123 posted 11/30/2019 15:01 PM

I agree with Booyah here, why would you want to endure more of this sham ? if you insist have her take a polygraph (decades overdue), however they were in close proximity and it doesn't make any sense, you found them naked in your bedroom, that usually means a heck of a lot more action, if she was careful to hide it they would have gone to a hotel, however paying for a hotel on a regular basis can get expensive, therefore some cheaters try to cut costs and risk getting caught (they're already risking a lot anyways) by bringing AP to the home.

Again, you've endured enough get out of this now, she TTd you for decades and most likely still lying, but that aside you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and a liar, based on what you said she hasn't done much to stay in this M even avoided sex with you "like the plague", get out of infidelity now, file for D and don't look back.

nekonamida posted 11/30/2019 15:20 PM

Financially it makes sense to live in a single residence. What I really miss is the trust and intimacy I expect from a marriage.

IC could be very beneficial to you in exploring this and figuring out if this is even possible with your WW given the circumstances and if not, getting support in moving on from her.

Of course you miss trust and intimacy in your marriage. But why are you accepting your needs not being met now that your son is out of the picture? Why have you accepted her throwing your second chance away for the last two years? Why is your focus now back on her and how to get her to give you what she won't instead of focusing on yourself and moving on from her if she won't give you what you need? This is like looking for water in a desert and being confused when you can't find it. What you're doing has to change radically if you want trust and intimacy in a marriage and that might mean divorce.

Robert22205https posted 11/30/2019 15:49 PM

What was her excuse for traveling to LA for a week?
Did you expose the affair to the OBS?
Has there been any further contact with the OM or further affairs with other men since?

Did you get IC? How were you able to cope with living with her day to day?

It doesn't matter how long ago it was. Every time you learn something new about her affair, emotionally it's like learning about the affair for the first time.

Have her reduce everything to a timeline. Then review the timeline and ask her specific questions (adding more detail to her timeline).

Have her take a polygraph test and ask whatever you want to confirm from the timeline. Plus consider asking if there's been any affairs since.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:55 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/30/2019 16:46 PM

What I really miss is the trust and intimacy I expect from a marriage.

I don't think you ever had trust and intimacy in this M. You have spent the last 20 years without trust or intimacy.

Casgo posted 11/30/2019 18:40 PM

Thank you all for your comments. Iíve asked the questions of myself a thousand times and my love for my son outstripped the fact that I meant nothing to her.

Iíve thought about leaving or divorce so many times that I lost count. The bottom line is that I didnít want to giving up my standard of living for her betrayal.

She claimed that she went on a conference. Little did I know that it was alone with him. She acted normal when she returned. But there were more car dates and she often brought him to the house (saying nothing happened).

When she told me she went on her sex vacation I was devastated and we separated in house. We never told anyone and I just acted badly toward her for the last 30 years.

You can assume that she still loved me to take it for so long, but I just want the truth. She is just incapable for that.

She told me that if I didnít catch her, she would have taken it to the grave. I suspect there is a lot more she will take to the grave.

At 67 it is hard to divorce. I just want to know the truth about all of her infidelities. I want peace to know that if she does tell me I will see some love.

Robert22205https posted 11/30/2019 19:15 PM

I understand why you need the truth.

Does she know you're staying for financial reasons? If so, after 30 years (and a 2 year in house separation) what is her motivation for telling you the truth?

Is she willing to take a polygraph test?

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/30/2019 20:51 PM

Most people want the truth.

You can assume that she still loved me to take it for so long

Not necessarily. She may very well feel the same as you. She didn't want to see her child part time and didn't want to lose her lifestyle.

Booyah posted 11/30/2019 21:21 PM

"But I just want the truth".

Listen, I'm sorry that you're hurting, but I want you to TRULY meditate on what I am about to say.

How could you ever expect to believe your wife (or anyone else) when you can't (or are unwilling) to be honest with yourself.

Start with being honest with yourself before you start demanding (or expecting) it from others.

Lying to yourself has allowed you to PISS AWAY COUNTLESS YRS

The1stWife posted 12/1/2019 03:11 AM

She wouldnít know the truth at this point.

So I doubt you should expect it from her.

oldtruck posted 12/1/2019 06:58 AM

tell your WW that this marriage will not last
without the truth and her taking a polygraph test

Mene posted 12/1/2019 16:00 PM

I feel your pain dude. We understand that you wanted to stay for your boy and for the lifestyle.

But no sex with her for 20 years? Fuck no! Thatís insane. You didnít have sex with anyone else in that time?

[This message edited by Mene at 4:00 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 12/2/2019 03:53 AM


What are you after? What is it that you want to achieve? Closure?

I want peace to know that if she does tell me I will see some love.

I am sorry to break this to you, but closure only comes from within yourself. Even if your WW told you the full and unfettered truth, you will still have a nagging feeling that something is still missing, especially after all this time. The trust is broken, the bond has been shattered. All you need to accept is that your WW was, and is, selfish.

She had her LTA because she wanted to. For her. She did not care about you or your son. Self-entitlement.

You already know that she will not tell you the truth.

You can assume that she still loved me to take it for so long

You are mistaking her need to protect her lifestyle as love for you.

but I just want the truth. She is just incapable for that.

I suspect there is a lot more she will take to the grave.

In these two quotes, your show that you will not be told the truth, and that there could well be more, but you are denying it to yourself.

At 67 it is hard to divorce.

Age is not a reason for not divorcing. There was an Italian(?) couple, and the BH was 95(?), and found out about his WW's A, and he promptly divorced her.

What you are is 'institutionalized'. Like long term prisoners, who at the release back into the world, do not know how to function in society. They then commit a crime to get back to their comfort zone, which is prison. You are similar, in that you fear that you will not know what to do after D.

I would suggest you seek a professional counsellor to discuss this, and address your fear.

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