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Is this normal for a two year affair?

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Bobbi_sue posted 12/2/2019 04:17 AM

A lot of people on this forum seem to think there is a possibility of getting "all the details" and "all the truth." Even good people who think they are honest either lie or downplay things they are not proud of. It is worse for people of questionable morals, involved in affairs, etc.

I don't think that it is possible to get "all the truth." But the amount of truth you have gotten from her really should be more than enough to assess your life and decide what to do going forward.

After all these years staying married to her for the sake of the child who has been an adult for some time now, what do you want, a cookie? I mean don't want to come off as insensitive but either you are okay with your life as it is, or YOU are going to do something to change it rather than expecting her to suddenly tell all and become an ideal wife who offers intimacy and everything else you want in a M.

As Booyah said,

The question you should be asking yourself is why after the countless betrayals are you continuing to piss away your life in a sham of a marriage?
TWENTY years with NO sex??
This isn't about her and unanswered questions it's about you and your willingness to put up with this shit.

DIFM posted 12/2/2019 04:36 AM

Until I caught them getting undressed in our bedroom.

This was not enough. To physically see your wife and another man undressing next to your bed? Do you think a cheater that brings another man into her husbands bedroom did not take every opportunity presented and created to have sex wit this same man wherever and whenever she could? I think it is reasonable to assume that is your truth. I know you want to hear it from her. But you know it from all the evidence she has already provided.

Finally the end was near.

What end was finally near?

You mention you can't forgive what you do not know. This is true for sure. Perhaps more importantly, you cannot forgive a thing that has not yet stopped. A large portion of the source of your pain is her lack of empathy, remorse, contrition, and respect. You cannot forgive her actions until those continuing painful choices have ceased. After 30 years, it is not likely to happen, She has made her choice to not reconcile, you seem to have made a similar choice.

You are not too old for peace in your life. That is on you. I am sorry for all the pain and drama she has created in your life.

sillyoldsod posted 12/2/2019 12:30 PM

Casgo I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

I couldn't imagine living through all those years of pain and denial with the same WS. You're waiting for Godot! How much more time are you going to allow waiting for her to provide 'answers' that will likely never be forthcoming in any case? How much longer are you going to let her infidelity, lies and omissions chew you up?

You say you 'want to trust'! Trust has to be earned. I agree with RocketRaccoon that you have in effect become 'institutionalized'. I also agree that you'd be wise to seek some professional counselling.

Yes at 67 it would be hard to divorce, but you still have plenty of time to find someone who will love you for who you are and who is trustworthy. Is financial security more important to you than your emotional and mental well-being?

You have received some good advice on here. I wish you all the best on your journey out of infidelity my friend.

KingRat posted 12/2/2019 12:55 PM

You can assume that she still loved me to take it for so long, but I just want the truth. She is just incapable for that.

She told me that if I didn’t catch her, she would have taken it to the grave. I suspect there is a lot more she will take to the grave.

At 67 it is hard to divorce. I just want to know the truth about all of her infidelities. I want peace to know that if she does tell me I will see some love.

Why are you still holding out for something you, admittedly, know you cannot get? This seems like a situation where you deliberately keeping yourself stuck. You have to accept that she is what she is and make choices to benefit yourself accordingly.

Casgo posted 12/2/2019 12:58 PM

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I’ve read hundreds of stories and thousands of replies, all in the hope that I could find a situation like mine. Some of them have been close, but I found we all have unique stories and perspectives. I hope we all find the solution that works for us.

You are right that we can’t just sit around and let life happen. We need to love the way we feel right and comfortable with. And to answer my original question, I don’t believe my WW sexual exploits were as minimal as she claims.

I, for one, took a lot of courage to reach out and share some of my story. The whole thing is even more disgusting, but I’ll keep that inside. Your responses are giving me the courage to move forward again. But what I’m sure I will face is "a lie told often enough becomes the truth for the liar.

I’ll give an update at a certain date hopefully with the truth in hand.

Buster123 posted 12/2/2019 19:22 PM

Keep posting and reading, it doesn't have to be every day, just when you feel comfortable, some of the comments are direct and may seem harsh but make no mistake about it, they are for the most part well intended, I hope you implement the most prevalent advice you found here on SI, good luck.

nekonamida posted 12/2/2019 20:01 PM

Casgo, is D an option for you if you don't get the truth? Will you truly hold her accountable if she refuses?

nekonamida posted 12/2/2019 20:21 PM

I truly think this is a case of drinking poison and expecting someone else to die from it. You wanted to punish her so you created a loveless, sexless marriage and said you would end it when you were ready but in doing so, you also created a miserable situation for yourself. Now, 20 years later, you're desperate for her to do something, ANYTHING, to show she cares or has any amount of sympathy or respect for you. And you seem oblivious to just how unlikely that is or how she, being a human with human needs, was probably finding love, care, and attention outside of the marriage for years since you cut her off from your supply. It's like you expected her to jump faithfully at the chance to prove herself to you and that's confusing because her lack of loyalty is what got her here. It's like you want her to be the perfect prisoner who genuinely felt bad and accepted a 20 year sentence and now are mystified when she's revealing herself to be who she's always been. You didn't demand honesty and change from her so she never bothered bettering herself. She continued cake eating like many WSes can and do as long as the BS doesn't demand more of them.

Cas, I'm worried for you. I think you're in for a shock if you get the truth because I don't see one single thread of evidence that your WW has weathered 20 years of a sexless marriage after being unable to be faithful when times were good. I don't see any motivation for her to stay faithful. She wasn't forced to be transparent with you. She wasn't going to IC to craft a better marriage with you. She wasn't going to experience any consequences for her behavior in the way of D. It takes a severely broken person to accept forced celibacy for 20 years. You included but at least you were fueled by anger and bitterness.

This all started with her selfishness and entitlement. Nothing really changed and so she stayed selfish and entitled. Even today, if she is withholding information from you, she is still selfish and entitled. So with that in mind, why wouldn't she have kept cheating with him or someone new knowing you weren't going to find out, weren't going to hold her accountable, weren't going to catch a surprise STD, and weren't going to D her? Sounds like a wonderful situation to a broken WS. All the perks of marriage and freedom for more on the side.

Tallgirl posted 12/2/2019 20:47 PM

I don't think so.

I doubt you have more than a small % of the truth. I'm sorry.

My feeling is that she has minimized everything, and after such a long time, likely doesn't remember much. It sounds like your marriage simply exists.

Don't you want to experience the joy of being loved? Spending time with someone you like and trust? You are 67... I think you absolutely deserve this. Can you have/do you want this with your wife?

I have some similar experiences to you - so let me say - go and find joy... be happy. If not with your wife, with someone else.

Stop waiting.

RocketRaccoon posted 12/4/2019 04:07 AM

hopefully with the truth in hand.

I think what you might be saying is that you will probably not be back, as it is highly doubtful that you will have any truth in hand.

Butforthegrace posted 12/4/2019 07:29 AM

 But what I’m sure I will face is "a lie told often enough becomes the truth for the liar.

In my opinion the truth you ought to be seeking is your own truth. You told yourself you would "stay for the kid". Was that actually your truth? The kid, per your post, is grown and gone, but you're still in the dysfunctional "MINO" (marriage in name only).

Why do you remain in it? Your WW has made it clear, through consistent actions, how she plans to behave. You have as much agency as you need to make your decision.

From where I sit, you dug your heels into the quicksand of limbo and have remained stubbornly there as the semi-liquid engulfed and submerged you. Your WW has been content for 20 years to remain off to the side, living her life as she watches you sink. What makes you believe there is even a slight chance she might now throw you a rope and pull you out?

Bigger posted 12/4/2019 08:18 AM

Casgo

I’m going to be really blunt…

What you describe is the situation I constantly warn against. The situation where an abnormal and illogical solution is found for a real problem.
I have repeatedly said that discovering infidelity gives us two GOOD paths. Not “good” as in nice, but rather “good” as in realistic and acceptable. Sort of like amputation isn’t “good” unless you have gangrene and it’s a choice between dying or cutting off your leg. Those “good” paths are divorce and reconciliation. At the end of the day you need to chose one of the two.

What you did is that when you learnt about the affair was the third, too often chosen path. The path of untreated infidelity.
That is definitely not a good path.
Like most that decide to wade that path it’s justified with the kids.

Yes… Justified. You used your kid as an excuse to live in untreated infidelity for a long, long time.
Be honest to yourself… At +16 your kid is old enough to understand parents divorce. He’s way past 16 isn’t he? So why didn’t you leave like you had promised yourself?

Then you grab another excuse… You needed time to talk things over. Like FOUR years!

Now you talk about the financial stability… That is your present excuse for inaction…


Casgo – I am not going to tell you to divorce. What I am going to tell you is to start being honest to yourself. That honesty – as I see it – gives you three possibilities:

You can accept that you aren’t going to leave your wife and carry on living the form of relationship you have for the past 20 years. If you mentally accept that then the no sex, distance, communications and all that can be lived with. Immerse yourself into a hobby and just try to remain amicable to your wife. It’s not an ideal solution, but it is something a sadly large number of people do.

You can start the HARD work of reconciliation. I’m 100% certain that with your long past you can’t do this alone. You need a good MC and probably some IC so that you two can communicate and start working towards breaking the immense walls you have built between the two of you. Do this and commit to it and chances are you two can have a fantastic marriage for what is left.

You can start the hard work of divorce. Financially the impact will be less than you think. Chances are you will downsize in house, and since the kids out and you two might downsize anyways in the next 15 years then that’s fine. Being alone allows you total control of your money. You still have a long time to build up your pension… All-in-all D won’t be the major financial trauma you envision. It’s more of an emotional cost…

What I suggest is that you really think of all three options. Personally I couldn’t imagine living the first option. The status-quo. But if you choose that then don’t post on sites asking how to improve your relationship. You have already chosen a brother/sister relationship.

I would also seriously look into divorce and get a very clear picture of how that would look. Having the picture set’s the bar for how much effort you might be willing to place on reconciling. I’m guessing that with your marriages past it will take some serious convincing to get your wife to start MC and working on all the issues. There is no half-way there… if she doesn’t come all onboard then D is IMHO your only option.

But I think I would focus on reconciling… But I would DO IT.

Casgo posted 12/6/2019 12:17 PM

Bigger

You can accept that you aren’t going to leave your wife and carry on living the form of relationship you have for the past 20 years. If you mentally accept that then the no sex, distance, communications and all that can be lived with. Immerse yourself into a hobby and just try to remain amicable to your wife. It’s not an ideal solution, but it is something a sadly large number of people do.

Your words rang true to me. Especially the quote above.

After all these years I have had it. I’m determined to move beyond the life you describe. Who knows how it will turn out, but for my own sanity I need to get the answers I seek or move on. Thank you.

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